Feeling guilty after ending it, but why?

[Speedy79]

I'm sorry this is so long, I haven't been here in years, and I know there are good people here, maybe a couple will listen and help me...I'll keep it as short as I can.

 

We met a few years ago and became friends for a couple of years before dating. Her marriage had been on the rocks for over a decade and she wanted a divorce. We went to a dance together with friends and she got drunk and wound up kissing me. I didn't fight it, even though I felt terrible and guilty the next day. She kept pushing to hang out more and although I told her I wanted to wait until the divorce was done, she got mad and I didn't put my foot down, so we started seeing more of each other. She filed for divorce and her husband started following her, catching us together once. It was ugly and I felt bad for not having put my foot down in the first place. I've felt ashamed of myself and guilty ever since that night.

 

She has 3 teenage boys. I knew them before we started dating and they all approved of me and their mom dating. We got along very well in the 2 years their mom and I dated. Unfortunately, in the beginning my dad caught wind that I was dating this married woman and told me he would never accept her, that she seemed to want everything on her terms, and that I deserved better. This upset my girlfriend and was the cause of many fights over the 2 years. She was almost obsessed with winning him over, and I knew she never would. But she could not let it go. When the time finally came she was even allowed in my parents' house, my father wouldn't speak to her, and the night would end in her crying and a fight between me and her.

 

She wanted me to start staying at her place more about 2 months into the divorce, and badgered me to move in. I didn't, totally, but I spent most nights there, only going to my condo once a week. Going from bachelor in a clean house enjoying a few hours of peace and quiet changed to chaos, a filthy house with clothes strewn everywhere, loud kids, a dog and 3 cats walking over me all the time. If I wanted to talk to other female friends - one that I'd known for over 12 years - she got mad, and often times told me to tell her whenever one of them would text me. The fights continued over my dad not liking her, and the fact that she drank every night made those fights worse.

 

She would drink a bottle of wine every night, and I got in the habit too, so we would split a bottle. One bottle became two, and on a weekend three bottles in a day wasn't uncommon. Some work nights would be 3 in one night. Drinking of course made fights worse. She got me in a choke hold once, and another time I had to call the cops on her. Sex was often great, but when she was loaded, having sex with someone stinking of wine and with bloodshot eyes just felt wrong to me.

 

She couldn't sit still, either. It seemed every ten out of 11 weekends was booked, by her, for us. Sitting in, relaxing and watching a movie wasn't common, and if we DID happen to watch a movie or tv show, it was interrupted by her constant talking. If I ever requested time to myself, she'd get offended and take it personal, or she would allow me to have my time, which consisted of me doing what I wanted but her talking to me incessantly, resulting in me never really being able to immerse myself in anything anymore.

 

A night out used to be something I looked forward to with her, but more and more it wound up in a drunken row and her either hurting herself physically or hurting me emotionally. A few times we'd visit friends and someone, sometimes a kid, even, would ask me "is she drunk again?"

 

She started to tell me I didn't have to go places all the time with her on the weekends, but some days would go on about how her ex didn't go places with them. She'd tell me he barely ever fixed anything around the house, so while often times I WANTED to fix stuff for her and her boys, often times I felt I HAD to.

 

My brother's wedding was last week. I was the best man, but I dreaded it for months. I had been to two weddings with this woman and both ended in drunken foolishness. Sure enough, my brother's reception not only included her accusing me of flirting with a bridesmaid (I had been talking with my AUNT, actually) and then half an hour later telling me she never said that, but the night also ended in her getting drunk again, and causing a scene because my father wouldn't say goodbye to her. Two other people also told me she told them we were getting married next year, which she also claims she never said.

 

Well, two days later after lots of thought, I ended things. I told her that in two years she clearly couldn't get over my dad not liking her, and her drinking never improved, no matter how much she said it would. She begged and pleaded with me in person and via text until I got very mean with her, something I hated to do. She said I hurt her children and was a father figure to them. She also pleaded saying maybe we could start over and that she hadn't had a drink in two days, something else that was likely a lie, since yesterday when she was at work I went to her house and collected my things, finding empty beer bottles around her bed.

 

My parents say I did the right thing. My best friend says she was nice, but a handful. And despite all of this, I STILL feel guilty. I was no angel and she was no demon, but I hurt her and her boys. I feel terrible but these last two days I've felt able to live again. Granted, it's just going for a walk on my own or watching a movie all the way through, but it feels good. And that makes me feel even more guilty.

 

I don't know what to do. I am seriously considering making a psych appointment, because I feel hopeless and like a jerk. Can someone give me any advice, please?

[Downtown]

Speedy, when a person abuses alcohol regularly, it is difficult -- even for a professional treating her -- to figure out whether her dysfunctional behavior is caused by alcoholism or, rather, BOTH the behavioral issues and alcoholism are caused by a third factor: moderate to strong traits of a personality disorder (PD). That said, it nonetheless may be worth your while to take a quick look at my list of 18 Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss it with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for a PD may help you avoid a very painful experience -- e.g., avoid taking her back or running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Speedy.

[Speedy79]

Thanks, Downtown. Many of those warning signs are definitely familiar, although the victim role wasn't directed at me. Everyone else was out to get her. Regardless, I wouldn't assume to diagnose her issues. Hell, someone else may look at those signs and say they apply to me, I don't know.

 

One thing is for sure, I don't know why I keep ending up with women like this. I'm looking at psychologists in my area to finally see. Maybe that will be of some help.

[Downtown]

Many of those warning signs are definitely familiar....

In that case, Speedy, I suggest you take a look at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that discussion rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Someone else may look at those signs and say they apply to me, I don't know.

Actually, they do apply to you. BPD is called a "spectrum" disorder because every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At low levels, these behavioral traits (ego defenses, actually) are essential to our survival, especially in childhood but also (to a lesser degree) in adulthood. They become a problem only when they are so strong and persistent that they undermine one's ability to sustain close LTRs.

 

At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question.

 

I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

One thing is for sure, I don't know why I keep ending up with women like this.

If your exGF really does have strong BPD traits, the most likely reason you tolerated her fights and verbal abuse for two years is that you are an excessive caregiver, like me. If so, your desire to be needed (for what you can do) far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the man you already are. The result is that you will keep walking right on past all the emotionally available women (BORING!) until you find one who desperately needs you. Because such women are masters at projecting vulnerability ("catnip" to you and me), we can spot them across a crowded room.

 

I'm looking at psychologists in my area to finally see. Maybe that will be of some help.

A wise decision. If you suspect your exGF exhibits strong BPD traits, I recommend that you see a psychologist who has never treated or seen her. That way, you are assured that he is ethically bound to protect only YOUR best interests, not hers. I mention this because, even when the client has full-blown BPD, therapists generally are loath to tell her -- much less tell her BF or insurance company -- the name of her disorder. With BPD and several other PDs, your best chance of obtaining a candid professional opinion is to see your own psychologist.

[Speedy79]

I also downloaded a book for my Kindle about codependency, so I can understand and stop being this way.

 

She did have very strong victim issues, and I do recall often saying "put yourself in my/their shoes", which was something she had a hard time doing. It sucks because I've had to cut off mutual friends of ours as well, people who I know would take her side.

 

I remember being at a BBQ once and she got loaded up on wine, and was her usual obnoxious, loud, "look at me! pay attention to me!" self. It was pathetic and embarrassing, but not to her. One of our mutual friends said "Leave her alone, she's happy!", while the friend's 10-year old child asked me "She's drunk again, isn't she?" It hurt to tell him yes. She was like an 18-year old kid in a 43-year old body.

[Downtown]

I remember being at a BBQ.... She was like an 18-year old kid in a 43-year old body.

If so, Speedy, she is NOT a BPDer (i.e., doesn't have strong BPD traits). A BPDer typically has the emotional development of a 4-year-old, not a teenager. When emotional development freezes at that young age, the person does not move on to the more mature ego defenses used by adolescents and adults. Instead, she hangs onto the primitive defenses available to young children. These include, e.g., projection, black-white thinking, magical thinking, temper tantrums, and denial.

 

The person becomes reliant on those childish ego defenses because she never had the opportunity (in early childhood) to learn how to control her emotions, to do self soothing to calm down, to avoid black-white thinking (by learning to tolerate strong conflicting feelings and ambiguities), or to intellectually challenge intense feelings instead of accepting them as self-evident "facts." When those emotional skills are lacking, the person is unable to control impulses (e.g., to drink or spend excessively) and unable to trust others for any extended period.

[Speedy79]

Well she had major trust issues, and I remember telling her often that things weren't so black and white, which is how she saw things - my dad disliked her but nobody else, so to her my whole family hated her. Not rational at all. So maybe 4 years old, I don't know. Point is she was a child.