Maybe I cannot have a relationship now?

[TooDamaged]

I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years. My ex was constantly emotionally and physically abusive and very controlling. Over the years my confidence was worn away (I didn't have stellar confidence to begin with). If he cheated it was may fault for being fat or stupid or unattractive. I was, according to him, an idiot so nothing I did was right. My friends were dumb. My family hated me. He lied all the time to me, and to everyone. It was a mess.

 

I worked up the courage to leave in December of 2012. It has been a terrible struggle, trying to cope with the aftermath of being in such a terrible relationship.

 

I dated a little bit, but decided I wasn't ready and so haven't gone on dates at all since May of 2013. In fact, I haven't done much of anything besides finish school and work since then. I've had counseling and things, and it helped, but... It seems there are a lot of residual emotional hang ups I still carry.

 

I started to play an online game I played years ago, mostly just to keep from being bored. It was easier to socialize there than elsewhere. I met a guy online. I know it sounds dumb, believe me, I have heard about it endlessly. But I like this man. A lot.

 

We work in similar fields, he seems to have the same goals I have. He really wants to meet me but I have put the brakes on for a few reasons. First, I am scared. I am afraid to fall in love again because of what happened before. Also, when it was just online and not real, I wasn't exactly honest about my physical appearance. I am about 30lbs heavier than I told him I am. I also have stretch marks and loose skin from being heavy when I was younger and pregnancy (no children, sadly, but that is another post).

 

Anyway, I find myself constantly afraid he is being dishonest with me. I worry he will find someone his age (he is a bit younger than I am) and will leave me. I worry he won't actually feel the same way about me if he knows I lied to him (I feel terrible I did that, I wish I could take it back). I worry that he will use me. I worry that if we do get together it will end up with him cheating and lying and abusing me the way my ex did. If I text him and he doesn't respond but I know he saw it or is awake (or whatever), I panic that he is getting tired of me already.

 

And I am so worried about hurting him. I don't want to break his heart or anything, it would destroy me if I did that. I am afraid to hurt someone because I know what that hurt feels like.

 

I have shared a little, not a lot, of my past relationship with him, and he has been amazing. I am amazed he didn't run off already. He is patient and asks, what can I do to help? Or tells me he is in it for the long haul, or talks about how great it will be when we finally meet.

 

Maybe I am too damaged to be in a relationship again. I'd like to be with somebody. I'd like to try to have a family. I want those things, but maybe they just aren't for me. If I cannot handle "dating" someone online, how am I going to handle a real human being?

Edited October 11, 2015 by TooDamaged

[Reels]

You are not currently ready for a new relationship, you really need to lose feelings from the past relationships.

 

The day you will feel that you have, then you will be ready for a new relationship.

[Mrlonelyone]

I and many of us here have felt that way at times. You are not alone in feeling abused, rejected for no reasonable cause, put down, picked on and made to feel worthless.

 

This is one of those things for which there is no shortcut only the passage of time and self love can make you well enough to find somoene who will love you right.

 

This new relationship can be part of your healing process. You stayed out of the game for a couple of years. So far you have been honest with him...right? He hasn't ran yet. FWIW I would say you should take it slow and reveal things about yourself gradually. If he is a keeper he'll only love you more.

[mystikmind2005]

Please see this guys youtube clips on narcissists, look up 'Smakintosh'

 

(not meaning your one, but to recover from one)

 

This one is my favourite;

Edited October 16, 2015 by mystikmind2005

[froz]

I don't think anyone can decide when you're ready for a new relationship or not. The fact is everyone is at different stages in life and everyone has their own issues, we take all that into our next relationship.

Having said that, it sounds like there are scars and maybe they do need time to heal.