Tell me why I shouldn't send an angry text to my ex

[wlh22]

It has been more than a month! I Know!

 

Please help me. the girl literally disappeared from life for no reason saying she just didn't feel it. she didn't even have the courtesy of telling me she was breaking up with me. leave aside the pain she caused me by breaking up despite I treating her so fine.

 

I really want to write to a message something along the line of "You have ****ed with my head and emotions. And I know you will realize my worth later in life. **** off and enjoy your life".

 

I know I shouldn't ... but I feel like after almost a year, she just moved on ignoring me and not getting emotionally hurt and my head has been messed up (You can read my other thread for full reference)

 

The last time I spoke to her was when I called her (since she never actually broke up with me but just ignored my calls) a few times and she never picked up. She just chose to avoid me and didn't even tell me she doesn't want to be with me. I saw one day she blocked me on FB without informing me about her intention to breakup. What an anguish I went through.

 

After 2 weeks (a month ago) I called her from another number and she picked up only to say "I am sorry but I didn't know what to say. I just didn't feel it"....

 

And I was dumb-founded and couldn't even yell or say ****ty words... I thought she got away clean and she shouldn't have.

Edited October 11, 2015 by wlh22

[Empyrea]

An angry text is definitely not the way to go, it just gives her too much power to know that she's still getting to you after all this time. I do understand the feeling, though. She shouldn't get away with that kind of behaviour - I mean, guys do it all the time, they get away with it, and it has basically become the norm. And that's terrible!! So I can't say with full sincerity that you should definitely let it go. I mean, you should. But if I were you, I might wait until I'm no longer writing from an emotional place (as you clearly would be at this point - don't do it!) and then just write an unemotional e-mail BRIEFLY explaining why that kind of behaviour is ****ty and that she should never do that to anyone ever again. Honesty is always better than just disappearing on someone without any explanation. But again, you're not ready for that. Write down your thoughts, keep working on the letter until you've only said what you absolutely must - it shouldn't be more than like half a page. And then, after maybe 10 drafts decide if it would benefit anyone if you sent it. And there's a good chance you'll decide that you don't want to send it. Which will mean that you've moved on and don't really care anymore - that's the best case scenario. If you do send it, maybe that'll provide some sort of closure for you - just know that she will NOT reply to that and you shouldn't expect her to. Maybe one in twenty people reply to those kinds of letters, really it's just for your own sense of closure. That's my 2 cents anyway.

[HGD38]

I was in your shoes but it was 4 years. If you really want to tell her what you think, write out an email or text and then send it to someone you trust, or even yourself. As Empyrea said, you will just give her the power if you send that to her! My advice, go live your life and move on, then in the future if she ever makes contact and you're 100% over the situation then you can tell her calmly how her actions affected you and how you hope she won't do it to anyone else

[dyna85]

It has been more than a month! I Know!

 

Please help me. the girl literally disappeared from life for no reason saying she just didn't feel it. she didn't even have the courtesy of telling me she was breaking up with me. leave aside the pain she caused me by breaking up despite I treating her so fine.

 

I really want to write to a message something along the line of "You have ****ed with my head and emotions. And I know you will realize my worth later in life. **** off and enjoy your life".

 

I know I shouldn't ... but I feel like after almost a year, she just moved on ignoring me and not getting emotionally hurt and my head has been messed up (You can read my other thread for full reference)

 

The last time I spoke to her was when I called her (since she never actually broke up with me but just ignored my calls) a few times and she never picked up. She just chose to avoid me and didn't even tell me she doesn't want to be with me. I saw one day she blocked me on FB without informing me about her intention to breakup. What an anguish I went through.

 

After 2 weeks (a month ago) I called her from another number and she picked up only to say "I am sorry but I didn't know what to say. I just didn't feel it"....

 

And I was dumb-founded and couldn't even yell or say ****ty words... I thought she got away clean and she shouldn't have.

 

Do NOT do this. For the love of all that is holy, do not do it.

 

I know what you're going through sucks big time and you are in a lot of pain... it's good that you're so self-aware and in touch with your emotions. I honestly wish more people in this world were as feeling as you.

 

The thing is, you are going to empower her further if you do this. She's already proven she's a gigantic coward. Nothing you say or do can fix that. Nothing you say or do will stop the pain. Nothing except taking it day by day and accepting how you feel and learning from this experience.

 

She is who she is and her actions are part of her history that she must live with for the rest of her life. Obviously her conscience is lacking. There are many people in this world who do cruel things like this and it messes with your mind and emotions, but you have to learn to deal with these things, because this is part of life. It's a lesson in how we aren't as in control as we think and how we deal with situations out of control that cause us to writhe in dismay shape us.

 

Don't let this break you. You are not alone. There are tons of people on this forum and out there in the world who know what you're going through and have felt similar if not the same exact pain/misery.

 

Be the better person and don't contact her further. She doesn't deserve it. I think these people get off on further attention. That, or they really don't care. Some day they might realize the error of their ways and repent and some won't. I know of people who have been burned so bad and never got an apology. I will always admire them for their strength and continued compassion in light of such cruelty. You have to rise above and press forward, and don't do anything rash. This woman is a B and it is very upsetting that she treated you this way, but I do believe she will later get it back ten fold. Some day she will understand how it feels to be dealt with how she deals with others. People reap what they sow, but none of this is your concern. Focus on healing. Take care of yourself. You are hurting, understandably. You will be ok. If it's not okay, it's not the end, bc in the end all will be okay. Have faith and trust.

 

Sorry for being long winded. Stuff like this really grinds my gears!! I hate to see people hurt by uncompassionate people.

[Frank13]

If she doesnt feel it than she doesn't feel it. It doesn't matter how well you treated her. People shouldn't stay in a relationship that they aren't happy in.

[Raena]

They way she ended things with you was really crappy. I'm sorry for that. But whatever you do, don't give her any indication that it upset you. She's a coward for handling things the way she did but if you message her now about it then you risk making yourself look foolish. Don't let her do that do you, choose not to.

[Empyrea]

Yeah, I'm afraid she wouldn't be open to hearing anything you have to say at this point, but maybe she will one day. Like for example I have a friend who dumped his gf and didn't handle it very well and kind of disappeared on her, but then got in touch over a year later just to catch up and was so shocked to discover she was totally cold, absolutely indifferent to him, and very capable of emoting exactly how lousy she had felt when he had treated her like that. That talk had a profound effect on him.. he had no idea he had hurt her so much and I'm sure he will handle his future break ups with more consideration. But if she had told her immediately after breaking up, he might have just brushed it off as her being emotional and hurt still. Anyway, for her, of course, this conversation made no difference, because she was over it and didn't really care that he was sorry, but yeah, it was a message he had to hear. Too many people get away with this kind of behaviour.

[wlh22]

Frank13 - This really hits my nerve. There are so many ****ed up partners and abusive and cheating spouses. and your reason to breakup with me is "I just didn't feel it". Where is your sense of bond and commitment. Unfortunately this seems to be becoming a common thing in today's generation and they have completely lost sense of compassion, care, love, friendship, and the realization of the fact that relationship isn't about "falling in love" but "loving someone". This reason maybe okay in first days or weeks of dating where you are getting to know each other. After a while, it feels like the pettiest reason to breakup with someone

 

 

It's sad that people who think like this leave the other party in great harm.

 

 

If she doesnt feel it than she doesn't feel it. It doesn't matter how well you treated her. People shouldn't stay in a relationship that they aren't happy in.

[wlh22]

Thanks all. I did not send anything. I know I shouldn't and

 

 

Yes Raena. I certainly would look foolish. the problem is already feel foolish to have trusted her words and going back to her. I built up my emotions and even when I saw something odd in her behavior I really was careful not to say anything to hurt her feelings. I should have been more dry and played the game equally somehow, not falling for her words on face value. But you are right, I choose not to let her make me look like a fool ever again.

 

 

They way she ended things with you was really crappy. I'm sorry for that. But whatever you do, don't give her any indication that it upset you. She's a coward for handling things the way she did but if you message her now about it then you risk making yourself look foolish. Don't let her do that do you, choose not to.

[wlh22]

Thanks dear dyna85. I did not. Not because I care about her but because I don't want to care about her. I just need to move on from this mental situation.

 

 

The sad part is, emotional and feeling people like us always seem to get these kinds of people.

 

 

What amazes me is that I never even understood what and why all this happened. I mean what was so darn bad that you couldn't be happy? I mean you wrote to me a week before how you are sorry for the break first time and how you will never let me down and how you will make so happy. You took me shopping and asked to pay for your shoes, literally 3 days before doing all this. Where was your "lack of feeling" for me then? There are so many little details I can go on and on... but it doesn't really matter.

 

 

It is really sad someone can be so irresponsible about their actions. This has caused me much pain.

 

 

 

 

Do NOT do this. For the love of all that is holy, do not do it.

 

I know what you're going through sucks big time and you are in a lot of pain... it's good that you're so self-aware and in touch with your emotions. I honestly wish more people in this world were as feeling as you.

 

The thing is, you are going to empower her further if you do this. She's already proven she's a gigantic coward. Nothing you say or do can fix that. Nothing you say or do will stop the pain. Nothing except taking it day by day and accepting how you feel and learning from this experience.

 

She is who she is and her actions are part of her history that she must live with for the rest of her life. Obviously her conscience is lacking. There are many people in this world who do cruel things like this and it messes with your mind and emotions, but you have to learn to deal with these things, because this is part of life. It's a lesson in how we aren't as in control as we think and how we deal with situations out of control that cause us to writhe in dismay shape us.

 

Don't let this break you. You are not alone. There are tons of people on this forum and out there in the world who know what you're going through and have felt similar if not the same exact pain/misery.

 

Be the better person and don't contact her further. She doesn't deserve it. I think these people get off on further attention. That, or they really don't care. Some day they might realize the error of their ways and repent and some won't. I know of people who have been burned so bad and never got an apology. I will always admire them for their strength and continued compassion in light of such cruelty. You have to rise above and press forward, and don't do anything rash. This woman is a B and it is very upsetting that she treated you this way, but I do believe she will later get it back ten fold. Some day she will understand how it feels to be dealt with how she deals with others. People reap what they sow, but none of this is your concern. Focus on healing. Take care of yourself. You are hurting, understandably. You will be ok. If it's not okay, it's not the end, bc in the end all will be okay. Have faith and trust.

 

Sorry for being long winded. Stuff like this really grinds my gears!! I hate to see people hurt by uncompassionate people.

[ScienceGal]

The "I'm not feeling it" explanation is pretty much all I got after an almost 2 year relationship. I said "it doesn't sound like there's anything to discuss then", he said "no". I hugged him goodbye and walked away. That was just over 5 weeks ago. I haven't reached out and I won't.

 

Anger will do nothing to help you or to change her mind. NOTHING. The reality is, some people lose feelings, or they never really had them to begin with. People do irresponsible and hurtful things, but the longer you let your ego control you, the longer you will suffer.

 

Try to learn as much as you can from this. Were there any hints? Any gut feelings you had? Did you compromise too much to be with her? Is there anything you can do to avoid a similar situation in the future?

[wlh22]

Thanks ScienceGal. You put it very nicely! When your partner says "I just don't feel it" or "I am not happy anymore", it is clear that THEY have made THEIR decision and the only thing we can ask is "Is there anything I can do to change the situation?" like you said.

 

 

I absolutely need to learn to let the anger go. It is likely the ego and the selfish part of me that is causing this anger. Or the fact that we had already broken up and she came back to pursue me. So this is the last LAST thing I would have expected her to do.

 

 

There were some red flags in the beginning when we started talking about future and commitment and I felt she very cleverly avoided the discussions or gave smart answers and did not want to introduce me to her family. That was my gut feeling and that's why I ended the first time.

 

 

The other red flag was her interest in my income. There is no harm in a girl getting attracted to a well-to-do guy but beyond a point in relationship that should not be a topic of discussion. I recently changed jobs and she actually asked me how much my income was. It is certainly not a good feeling when you feel your partner is with you for your money. But there was no way of validating that. I actually discussed it with one of my friends saying how she recently bought shoes and asked me to pay saying she will pay the next day but didn't even bring it up the next day. Stuff like that. Difficult to isolate genuine gold-digger from genuinely someone feeling they have the right to be natural with me because they now think we are together/close. But it was bothering me and I couldn't figure out a way to discuss with her.

 

 

Besides that... honestly - no. She did a lot of work to convince me she was serious after coming back so this came as a big shock to my system.

 

 

I will try to work on my anger.

 

 

 

 

The "I'm not feeling it" explanation is pretty much all I got after an almost 2 year relationship. I said "it doesn't sound like there's anything to discuss then", he said "no". I hugged him goodbye and walked away. That was just over 5 weeks ago. I haven't reached out and I won't.

 

Anger will do nothing to help you or to change her mind. NOTHING. The reality is, some people lose feelings, or they never really had them to begin with. People do irresponsible and hurtful things, but the longer you let your ego control you, the longer you will suffer.

 

Try to learn as much as you can from this. Were there any hints? Any gut feelings you had? Did you compromise too much to be with her? Is there anything you can do to avoid a similar situation in the future?

Edited October 12, 2015 by wlh22

[SheleftmeforMichael]

Reading your situation, I'm really glad you didn't message her in anger like you were planning.

 

I agree with all the advice given thus far in this thread so i'll try not to rehash anything said.

 

Think about this as well...Sometimes the message you want to send to her that you've carefully laid out and expect to be thought provoking (or out of sheer rage) as to gain a response does not go as planned either.

 

When my ex still lived with me (broke up yet I still let her live with me for 3 months so as to give her time to find new place - painful mistake), I had carefully put together a letter that laid all my thoughts and how much it hurt me for her to move on so quickly (it took her literally 3 days. lol) for her to find out on my dining room table. I had thought if she read this, I'd get some type of reaction as to answer the question - Why? Or maybe even a sorry.

 

When I came home that day expecting a response...I got nothing. Not even a word. Just a "Yeah...I read it." Not what I was expecting at all and it was a crushing blow to my ego and heart to have my words and feelings dismissed like that.

 

Now that time has passed and I look back on that situation, I realize even if I had gotten a response, it still wouldn't have done me any good. It would have just continued the pain in my heart and madness I was feeling in my mind (she lived with me, yet saw this other guy everyday, did her thing with him, then would come back home to getting emotional support from me - very painful mistake on my part).

 

So both paths (getting a response vs. not getting a response from my message) would have still led me to nothing good in the end.

 

And It would have been the same for you. If she replied to you, it would have just fueled more rage in your heart and would have let her know where your head was at (you're not over her and still in pain) which would have left you looking weak/desperate (you don't want that - it gives them too much power)...but at the same time, had you sent your message, you may have not gotten any response at all.

 

Either path would have led you to a waste of your time. Don't let her waste your time like that when she's not deserving of it.

 

I can relate and know how you feel (as others on this forum). It's time to go back to NC and try and save and rebuild what's most important to you in your life...and that's you, dude. She is the dumper, if anyone should be reaching out...it should be her, not you.

[wlh22]

Thanks SheLeftMeForMichael. I know you are right (I know!!) that she doesn't deserve it. Really! She doesn't. I hope in time I can just be in a position where her actions and she both don't bother me (emotionally). I hope that happens soon. Thanks for listening.

 

 

 

 

I actually decided to visit a Psychiatrist because the anger and the emotions were becoming overwhelming and I am currently staying alone in a new city so have zero physical support in terms of social circle.

 

 

This was my first time to a Therapist in my life so I am not sure what to expect but unfortunately, I didn't find much use out of it. He sort of told me it is nothing medical and mostly it is coping. So he suggested I try something new (like joining a gym, starting a new hobby) to channel my energy.

 

 

I will go back in a week, but not sure if it is being of any use. And it is expensive to get in return 30 mins per week

[SoThatHappened]

It's good you didn't send her anything. You'd regret that big time.

 

It's good that you went and talked to a therapist, even if you don't feel you got what you wanted out of it.

 

His advice is good, though. Exercise, new hobby, etc.

 

Your best bet, while you're going through heartbreak, is to frequent this forum. Read and post. Helps a ton.

 

Keep with NC.

[wlh22]

Yes. You all may think I ****ed it up! I called her today for my own ****ing closure.

 

 

I don't know why exactly. I mean I got sort of what I expected - which is - "I know I have hurt you and I know I did wrong. But what do you expect from me at this point? I don't know what I can do it make it okay. I know I can't. You were a great guy and I know I did wrong. All I can say I am sorry"

 

 

I didn't yell or curse or anything but I certainly told her what she did was cowardly and disrespectful and she should think about how much impact it may have on the other person, who was clearly in love and trusted everything she said.

 

 

So the conversation sort of became - I know I ****ed it up but what do you want from me now?

 

 

I know folks on this forum would disagree with my approach but I just couldn't deal with no closure and her not hearing this / having a dialogue with me after me proposing to her once, her coming back to me making all sorts of commitment, me putting my trust back in her (which wasn't easy to be honest) and then her breaking my trust and heart.

 

 

I also think, I am sad at my own luck (I mean it has sort of happened to me before I have been dumped after LTR for sort of no specific fault of mine or know reason) about my life. Maybe... I am not sure exactly which is which

 

 

What a roller coaster ****ing year. At some level it's good that I didn't end up with such an unstable person. I mean she was telling me how she will never screw up less than a week before RANDOMLY walking out on me. The issue is I feel like she never meant anything she said, because I don't think anyone can be this random and unemotional.

 

 

Anyways, that's that! After the call she wrote me a text "I am sorry WLH. I hope you forgive me. I don't know what I can do to make it okay. I know I can't. All I can say is I'm sorry. Please forgive me"

 

 

I didn't reply to it. My heart continues to become weaker and afraid of opening up with every breakup. This sucks!

 

 

 

 

It's good you didn't send her anything. You'd regret that big time.

 

It's good that you went and talked to a therapist, even if you don't feel you got what you wanted out of it.

 

His advice is good, though. Exercise, new hobby, etc.

 

Your best bet, while you're going through heartbreak, is to frequent this forum. Read and post. Helps a ton.

 

Keep with NC.

[wlh22]

I know this is weak. I feel like I am falling really weak. That's not a good feeling for a man. I feel really heartbroken, and depressed. My trust has been broken and my trust in people and commitment in general is breaking. I really hope this is momentary and I somehow feel back to my normal self. It's amazing how someone else's screw-up can mess one's head, heart and emotions. That's luck!

[SoThatHappened]

Alright, calm down.

 

You're heartbroken. People do the dumbest things when they're heartbroken. You're not emotionally stable right now, not even close.

 

Was it ill-advised to call her? Yep. But, you can't take it back.

 

The only thing you can do is cut contact and act like she died.

 

She didn't tell you what you wanted to hear, which was "I'm sorry and I want you back."

 

Instead, you just got "I'm sorry." This should reaffirm that she doesn't want to be with you, at least right now.

 

Let her go. Any more contact and dwelling on her is going to continue to set you back.

 

I still strongly advise not contacting her. You're in a fog. I've been there. Took me a while to get out of the fog and see things for what they really were.

 

Now is Day 1 of NC for you. In a while, you'll get better.

[wlh22]

Thanks for listening to me dude. I was not expecting to hear "I'm sorry and I want you back". Based on how things have unfolded I knew she was not going to say that and nor I would want her back.

 

 

It was more about my anger of what ****ing happened and how she treated me.

 

 

I just can't digest how someone can come back to you, after knowing I had proposed once, and make all sorts of promises and ask you to be back. And then BAM! dump you out of the blue. And then be selfish enough to not even confront it.

 

 

You are right. I am heartbroken and emotionally extremely low. I just don't know how to "not dwell" on someone like this and imagine feeling completely okay and normal in future

 

 

Alright, calm down.

 

You're heartbroken. People do the dumbest things when they're heartbroken. You're not emotionally stable right now, not even close.

 

Was it ill-advised to call her? Yep. But, you can't take it back.

 

The only thing you can do is cut contact and act like she died.

 

She didn't tell you what you wanted to hear, which was "I'm sorry and I want you back."

 

Instead, you just got "I'm sorry." This should reaffirm that she doesn't want to be with you, at least right now.

 

Let her go. Any more contact and dwelling on her is going to continue to set you back.

 

I still strongly advise not contacting her. You're in a fog. I've been there. Took me a while to get out of the fog and see things for what they really were.

 

Now is Day 1 of NC for you. In a while, you'll get better.

[SoThatHappened]

Totally understandable, especially when you're blindsided.

 

My ex was asking for an engagement ring and couldn't wait to bang my brains out literally hours before she admitted to cheating on me. So, I know how being blindsided feels.

 

You're brain is so messed up right now. You probably can't function or think straight.

 

What you absolutely need to do:

 

- NOT CONTACT HER or check up on her in ANY WAY

- Exercise. Seriously, the best thing you can physically do for your mentally messed up head.

- Talk to people about it.

- Cry

- Be easy on yourself and don't blame yourself.

 

These few things will aid in your recovery so much you'll be shocked.

 

You're going to go through some serious ups and downs. But, as long as you do what's mentioned above you'll be in a better place.

 

Who knows, she may come back (you'll likely get breadcrumbs at least, especially since it was out of the blue).

 

Just ignore them UNTIL you're indifferent. You may not get them before you're indifferent, but that's OK.

 

Keep posting and reading here.

[wlh22]

Yes. Thanks a bunch. I will definitely stick with this list from now on. I need to cry. I don't think I am doing that really. It is just pressure but no outlet right now. I didn't do anything wrong so I don't blame myself. Funny how women leave guys saying "I just didn't feel it" and it automatically makes a man feel (the ones who are serious) it was the man's fault he didn't do certain "things".

 

 

- NOT CONTACT HER or check up on her in ANY WAY

- Exercise. Seriously, the best thing you can physically do for your mentally messed up head.

- Talk to people about it.

- Cry

- Be easy on yourself and don't blame yourself.

 

 

I actually don't think I will get breadcrumbs (but who knows). Although I think I may get some sort of contact weeks/months down the line from her as an apology. But who knows. I don't think I will respond to anything from her anyways.

 

 

I think the biggest shock to my head and heart was that SHE WAS THE ONE WHO CAME BACK TO ME telling me she screwed up the first time letting me go (I had talked about marriage and she sort of didn't say yes but didn't say no, so things dragged a couple of months before I had to end it to protect my own heart as we clearly seemed to be in different boats and I felt she may break my heart down the line. 2 months later she contacted me asking if I was single and how she screwed up with me). She asked me to be with her for life, to give her a chance blah blah. Of course I wasn't in a position to say YAY let's marry. I had developed serious trust issues with her. So I told her I need some time and we started "dating" again. In time I made small moves to increase my commitment (emotional and otherwise) and conviction as I saw her REALLY putting the effort. and THEN BAM! But I also wonder if I should have put more trust, effort and commitment from my side the second time and that would have led to different results. Its an emotional mess.

 

 

This has really messed up my entire system. Yes - I fell in love again. I was tremendously attracted to her. Hell I wanted to marry her at one point. So I feel like she played with my emotions and then didn't even show care towards me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Totally understandable, especially when you're blindsided.

 

My ex was asking for an engagement ring and couldn't wait to bang my brains out literally hours before she admitted to cheating on me. So, I know how being blindsided feels.

 

You're brain is so messed up right now. You probably can't function or think straight.

 

What you absolutely need to do:

 

- NOT CONTACT HER or check up on her in ANY WAY

- Exercise. Seriously, the best thing you can physically do for your mentally messed up head.

- Talk to people about it.

- Cry

- Be easy on yourself and don't blame yourself.

 

These few things will aid in your recovery so much you'll be shocked.

 

You're going to go through some serious ups and downs. But, as long as you do what's mentioned above you'll be in a better place.

 

Who knows, she may come back (you'll likely get breadcrumbs at least, especially since it was out of the blue).

 

Just ignore them UNTIL you're indifferent. You may not get them before you're indifferent, but that's OK.

 

Keep posting and reading here.

[wlh22]

WOW! To add **** to the storm. Her profile on the dating site we met is now active today

[wlh22]

I am really struggling. I fail to understand how someone who says they want to be with you for life can change so much so quickly ... I am feeling chest pains and barely able to feel pleasant about life

[wlh22]

Please help.

[Glass Hut]

Please help.

 

What if your ex is part of your exercise group? It could certainly be worse haha.