Why is he suddenly inactive on Facebook?

[purpledooze]

First of all, I'm just curious. I know what you guys are going to say: "you need to stop this," "this isn't how NC is," "it shouldn't matter" "block him" etc etc.

 

At some point I will cut off ties, I'm just waiting for the time I'll be ready and I'll know I won't regret it. One of the reasons why we broke up was because, bottom line is, I needed some growing up to do. I'm still slowly moving forward, currently working out the logistics for my first solo-trip to a monastery in Thailand. I'm just particularly curious about this today.

 

I just need some perspective from a male POV.

 

After my ex and I stopped contacting each other, I noticed he hasn't been posting anything on his Facebook lately. Neither am I. I just don't feel like posting anything at all lately. We're both very active Facebook users before, but not anymore for some reason. He has a habit of looking through his ex's profiles (I know for sure he has me on his Close Friends list).

 

Either he's hiding his posts/new pictures from me or he's just not into posting anymore. No new instagram pictures since our trip to Beijing. No new pins on Pinterest (yes he uses pinterest). If he's filtering his posts or if he doesn't want me to get a glimpse into his life, why not just unfriend or block me? He's done it before. I've done it before.

 

Our last contact was about a month ago, when he asked me if I went to a friend's daughter's funeral, and he was curious about whether work was going well or not. I ignored him for 2 weeks, but I eventually had to reply curtly: "Sorry for not responding sooner. Been busy catching up with work and planning for farewell parties. Work is doing fine. Project's okay.".. Something along those lines. Kept it about work. He hasn't responded since.

[Stage5Clinger]

Blah... Facebook. Makes me want to vomit.

[purpledooze]

Blah... Facebook. Makes me want to vomit.

 

That's a very counter-intuitive response.

[Stage5Clinger]

That's a very counter-intuitive response.

 

I love technology but with **** like this.. **** the future. Everybody has stopped living their real life and base their worth on this bull**** corporate facebook propaganda. I drove down the road today, beautiful fall day, leaves everywhere changing, sun hitting my face, and nearly nobody outside. I think to myself... where is everyone? This is why I can't get a girlfriend literally nobody is outside. So where are they? They are inside crying, worrying, wishing someone will like their facebook post. Blocking/ unblocking sharing requesting friends wondering why someone unfriended them. WTF?!?!?!?! Meanwhile our whole lives are passing us by we are all getting older and falling further apart from everyone in our lives because of it. We'll all wake up one day and be elderly thinking back on our lives and being upset that we spent all that time staring into a monitor and then we'll die thinking about all the things we never did. It's time to WAKE. UP. GO OUTSIDE. MEET SOMEONE IN REAL LIFE AND DO FUN THINGS IN REAL LIFE WITH THEM. QUIT WORRYING ABOUT HOW PEOPLE ACT ON FACEBOOK. IT"S NOT REAL LIFE.

[purpledooze]

I love technology but with **** like this.. **** the future. Everybody has stopped living their real life and base their worth on this bull**** corporate facebook propaganda. I drove down the road today, beautiful fall day, leaves everywhere changing, sun hitting my face, and nearly nobody outside. I think to myself... where is everyone? This is why I can't get a girlfriend literally nobody is outside. So where are they? They are inside crying, worrying, wishing someone will like their facebook post. Blocking/ unblocking sharing requesting friends wondering why someone unfriended them. WTF?!?!?!?! Meanwhile our whole lives are passing us by we are all getting older and falling further apart from everyone in our lives because of it. We'll all wake up one day and be elderly thinking back on our lives and being upset that we spent all that time staring into a monitor and then we'll die thinking about all the things we never did. It's time to WAKE. UP. GO OUTSIDE. MEET SOMEONE IN REAL LIFE AND DO FUN THINGS IN REAL LIFE WITH THEM. QUIT WORRYING ABOUT HOW PEOPLE ACT ON FACEBOOK. IT"S NOT REAL LIFE.

 

I understand your sentiment. I do not wish to be rude or to attack. But like I said, I'm just curious about his current state of mind. He isn't just "some person" to me. We broke up for a reason, but that doesn't make him any less valuable to me as a person. This was someone I deeply cared about and who, at one point, deeply cared about me.

 

As I write this, I'm in Siem Reap, Cambodia volunteering to rebuild an ecovillage. As much as I miss my ex, I never let it stop me.

 

How he acts on Facebook means something because I'm noticing a change in his online behavior after we stopped communicating. I only have less than 200 friends on Facebook, most of them listed as Acquaintances. These are people I've interacted with, cared about and people who mean/meant something to me.

[Stage5Clinger]

I understand your sentiment. I do not wish to be rude or to attack. But like I said, I'm just curious about his current state of mind. He isn't just "some person" to me. We broke up for a reason, but that doesn't make him any less valuable to me as a person. This was someone I deeply cared about and who, at one point, deeply cared about me.

 

As I write this, I'm in Siem Reap, Cambodia volunteering to rebuild an ecovillage. As much as I miss my ex, I never let it stop me.

 

How he acts on Facebook means something because I'm noticing a change in his online behavior after we stopped communicating. I only have less than 200 friends on Facebook, most of them listed as Acquaintances. These are people I've interacted with, cared about and people who mean/meant something to me.

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to be careless of your situation. But seriously.. if you're concerned about someone and you like him or whatever.. why don't you try talking to him? Stalking his facebook isn't going to solve your problem. Whether or not he's posting stuff doesn't tell you anything. You're trying to read his feelings about you based on something incredibly arbitrary. Call him for god's sake.

[purpledooze]

I love technology but with **** like this.. **** the future. Everybody has stopped living their real life and base their worth on this bull**** corporate facebook propaganda.

 

I wouldn't blame technology. Not everyone spends their lives glued to the monitor. Well, I do 6-8 hours a day because I work as a software programmer.

 

Facebook is a means for me to share my adventures and experiences with friends and family while traveling the world non-stop. Maybe I can inspire them enough so they don't think it's impossible. Right now, I'm not posting as much due to my current state of mind, which I'm current working on.

 

But that's besides the point. My ex shares the same sentiments regarding social media. He used to share lots of stuff, his adventures and his experiences. He wanted to inspire people to live the same life. Now it's just complete radio silence.

[purpledooze]

Sorry, I didn't mean to be careless of your situation. But seriously.. if you're concerned about someone and you like him or whatever.. why don't you try talking to him? Stalking his facebook isn't going to solve your problem. Whether or not he's posting stuff doesn't tell you anything. You're trying to read his feelings about you based on something incredibly arbitrary. Call him for god's sake.

 

I don't think I'm ready to re-open lines of communication yet. I need to keep my emotions in check.

 

Maybe his silence is about me, maybe it's not. Or maybe something is changing in him. The last time we spoke, he said something about being jaded/bored with life. When I said, "do you want me to give you perspective?" He said, "No, give me purpose." This was weeks after he found out our baby died.

[Stage5Clinger]

This was weeks after he found out our baby died.

 

Wow, I'm sorry this rabbit hole is much deeper than I first thought. I'm not sure I feel comfortable giving you advice because he sounds clinically depressed and maybe you are too? Just make sure you get the help you need and you're taking good care of yourself. Reach out to him when you feel up to it but I think maybe you need to take care of yourself first right now.

[purpledooze]

Wow, I'm sorry this rabbit hole is much deeper than I first thought. I'm not sure I feel comfortable giving you advice because he sounds clinically depressed and maybe you are too? Just make sure you get the help you need and you're taking good care of yourself. Reach out to him when you feel up to it but I think maybe you need to take care of yourself first right now.

 

Sadly, I wish I was clinically depressed. That means I can just use medication to cure myself. I went to a psychiatrist to get diagnosed and he said that my depression wasn't clinical. It was just "reactive" to the death of our baby.

[ExpatInItaly]

Perhaps he's just got distracted with his life offline so he's been putting in more energy there, and less with social media. Maybe he just wanted a break from it for a while. Perhaps he is posting but has put you on restricted settings, so as not to tip you off.

 

I wouldn't read into it.

[Qboro90]

Sadly, I wish I was clinically depressed. That means I can just use medication to cure myself. I went to a psychiatrist to get diagnosed and he said that my depression wasn't clinical. It was just "reactive" to the death of our baby.

 

You and your ex lost a child while together? I'm so sorry, you have my deepest condolences.

 

As for your ex's social media behavior. No one here can tell you the answer you want. He could be busy, he could not use social media as much lately, he could've customized it so you're only able to see the things he wants you to see, he could be seeing someone else, there's a million possibilities. It's clear that you obsess and are way to involved in his activities via social media even to your own admission. You're literally torturing yourself and making it impossible to grow and move on. If you don't want to move on then you should contact him and express how you feel. If you've done that or you know he doesn't want to get back together then you need to make the mature decision and remove him from your social media friends.

 

Social media isn't an accurate portrayal of people's lives. It's only the best of our days and relationships. Even if he was posting, you would only be getting the positive areas of his life and experiences in which he's posting. You'd be incorrect to think that everything is wonderful just based off that. Just like his absence doesn't mean something's up either.

 

I strongly suggest you make a decision one way or another. Either reach out and communicate with him or rip the band aid off and block him on all accounts to prevent further destructive emotional trauma to yourself.

[pidgeon1010]

If I remember correctly, didn't he start dating his ex before you? Maybe he doesn't want you to be able to see what's going on with their current relationship so he has limited access to his postings (he may see no need/reason to delete you especially if you two are no longer in contact). Could be anything...perhaps he's taken time off social media to cultivate a new relationship, work on himself, etc etc. Who knows.

[SheleftmeforMichael]

In my opinion, I would take the advice that everyone has laid forth here and quit actively FB stalking. Believe me, I've been there too and it's counter productive in letting our ex's go and moving on.

 

You don't know and you never will until you actually ask him (but then you'll sound like a creeper). You can only guess and assume now.

 

In trying to answer your question...

 

When I was still crazy over my ex and doing what you were doing, I noticed a drop in FB activity as well at a certain date/point when we stopped communicating. I know from myself, I was depressed and I didn't want to share anything that would be seen her or that she could glimpse from following someone who was a mutual friend. I changed her friend status to "Acquaintance" and noticed a feature in which you can exclude all acquaintances (but will still be visible by those classified as friends) from seeing your posts. Maybe that is what happened to you and me as I no longer saw any of my ex's FB posts until...I stopped caring/looking. I hope you get to that end point too.

[purpledooze]

Quick update.

 

A couple of weeks after this (I made a separate post here), someone tried to log into my Facebook. I put on my sleuth hat and traced the IP so that I can extract some bit of revenge on the perpetrator. Though I said I DDoS'd the network in that post, I never really managed to do this because....

 

It triangulated to his address, his ISP, his Macbook...

 

Add to this the fact that his other ex unblocked me from Facebook. (I'm guessing he logged into her account to try and unblock me). I don't know WTF he's thinking.

 

I didn't react save for a public Facebook post telling 114.xx.xx.xx (I didn't reveal his name) to stop trying to get into my account and to at least spoof his IP when doing it, because if he doesn't I will damage his network.

 

A week later, I decided to quit my job. Since it was he who got my foot in the door, I decided to deliver the news myself. He was surprisingly supportive of my decision, even so far as saying I was: "brilliant, beautiful, and one of the cleverest girls I've met. Just bring that girl back. I'll be rooting for you."

 

I asked him nicely if it was he who tried to hack into my account. He said it was him, but it was only because when he had opened his browser, my account was already logged in. I knew he was lying because if my account had been logged in before, Facebook would have alerted me via text message and that I would have seen a Mac session active on Facebook's privacy settings. He denied trying to stalk me.

 

It's been a week since that conversation, where I mentioned that I may move to another part of the city so I can be closer to my new job.

 

Now he's suddenly active on Facebook.. Posting he's "Interested" in and attending events and parties happening around the part of town I told him I'd be moving to and where my new work is.

Edited November 2, 2015 by purpledooze