2 years down the drain, in a matter of days. (my story)

[HowCouldShe]

Hi Everyone,

 

 

So here is my story. I had been dating who I thought was a the most amazing girl I had ever met for the last 2 years. (Our 2 year anniversary was actually today). Wed, September 23rd I woke up and I knew something wasn't right. She always told me I love you, goodbye before she went off to work. She only said bye this time. So I text her at about 10am and asked her what's up.... her reply: "It's about us". I asked her to call me, she did and she told me point blank "I'm no longer happy and I want to move out Sunday." She was totally gone by Sunday.

 

 

To say this caught me by surprise would be a complete and utter understatement. We were a couple that just "got" each other. I've been in bad relationships, I'm 33 years old, I've been left before...but there were always signs. I'm not saying it was perfect, and there was an argument 5 months ago where she had to go drive around the block a couple of times, but the fight was never constant. We were almost always happy (or so it seemed) and we actually just got back from a great vacation in San Clemente, Ca. A month ago we went out for a great date night, she also got us concert tickets for our anniversary this year and we constantly talked about marriage, babies, the whole nine yards.

 

 

Added to this, she was extremely close to my 5 year old son. He considered her a stepmother. We have a 1 year old German Shepherd puppy and we have lived together for the past 1.5 years.

 

 

When she initially told me, obviously it caught me off guard and I said and did everything to try and fix or talk or change her mind about the situation. Everyone I talked to said there is either another guy or some sort of mental breakdown. Her reasoning, after digging and basically pleading for answers...

 

 

"The truth is I'm depressed. I need to fix myself! There isn't another guy I don't even want to look at another man! You are not the only problem that has caused my depression! My girlfriend has to force food down my throat because I'm not eating"

 

 

When I tried to say lets go talk to someone together lets fix this, she wouldn't budge. She wanted me gone and the longer I pestered her and didn't respect her space the more it pushed her away. That first night I probably bombarded her with 70 texts and 5 voicemails, no response. I cried, I pleaded, I questioned, etc. etc. (my own abandonment issues really kicked in) she became angry and saying hateful things. She even told me to my face that "she doesn't love me anymore" (a few days prior she said she didn't know), ripped up our pictures, thru out flowers I had gotten for her on our first anniversary, put important cards I had gotten her in the trash, etc. I know I messed up at this stage (it was just that first night of constant texting that I feel went overboard, from Sat to last Wed when I cut communication only about dozen or so msgs back and forth) looking back. I was just in utter shock that after 2 years she could get up and drop me, my son, our dog, the house the bills, everything in a matter of days.

 

 

When she left that previous Sunday, she obviously changed her Facebook status, took our pictures down, and un-friended me. I'm very in-tune with my own issues and my past experiences and I know if I didn't block her I would be constantly looking at it. So I blocked her on FB on that Sunday (after I did it, I let her know I'm not angry with her I just need to heal).

 

 

This past Wednesday (9/30), I txt her one last thing: "I need to respect your space. I haven't been able to do that. For this reason, I need to block you moving forward. If anything changes, I guess you know where I'm at. Love Always, (my name)." After sending that text message I blocked her thru phone and txt and haven't spoken or reached to her since.

 

 

 

 

The weird thing...

2 days later, she calls me from her work phone (I didn't block that one) but I did not answer. I figured this was way too early for some change of heart she must have wanted to let me know she forgot something and will leave a voicemail. Well, she didn't leave a voicemail and she never called back. That was this past Friday. Later that day, I receive a friend request thru FB from someone I don't know from her hometown. I could tell the account was created THAT same day because they had 1 friend. I believe it was either her, one of her friends, or her younger sister that is wanting to keep tabs on me since she no longer can see me on FB.

 

 

Now, I didn't call back (not because I don't desperately want to fix this whole situation, but because she constantly told me to leave her alone and I'm sticking that. She told me to respect her space and leave her alone. She initiated everything here...but I have no anger towards her yet.) I just feel she needs to be the one to un-do this whole situation.

 

 

 

 

Now obviously, as of today (our 2 year anniversary) I am proud to say I am into day 4 of NC. I know its not a lot...but honestly guys, we were together EVERYDAY for the past 2 years. I mean, closest (and I thought) happiest relationship I had ever been in. Plus, the uncertainty of how this mental breakdown happened and why was I the target??? I was 2 months away from giving her an engagement ring and she destroyed our entire life in a matter of 4 days.

 

 

NOW... my question is today is our anniversary (or was). Since she did reach out in some fashion on Friday, I have since unblocked her thru phone & txt, but I have not reached out to her, sticking to NC. My question is, why did she reach out on Friday and if you were me would you reach out today at all to at least let her know she is unblocked? Others have told me no and not to reach and if she really needs to get ahold of me she will, but by letting her know she's unblocked its forcing a response. She needs to initiate and lead the communication. I am genuinely concerned for her mental state and well-being as well as our relationship and I'm very curious why she reached out. I have no answers and iam desperately lost. I am completely in love with her and I miss her desperately.

 

 

What happened here?

Edited October 4, 2015 by HowCouldShe

[Cora]

I would not reach out to her and would keep her blocked. Like you said she knows where to find you. I understand you are concerned about her mental state. That's only natural to be concerned for someone you love and care for, but you cannot fix or help her mental state. If she really wanted to talk to you, reconcile or whatever she knows where to find you and would try harder than just a phone call from her work number and no voicemail. That is just my opinion though.

 

I'm so sorry you are hurting. It's a very ****ty situation she put you in.

[BlueIris]

... "The truth is I'm depressed. I need to fix myself! There isn't another guy I don't even want to look at another man! You are not the only problem that has caused my depression! My girlfriend has to force food down my throat because I'm not eating"

...

What happened here?

 

She got depressed.

 

You do have a young child and work, so perhaps you didn't see it. Sometimes we miss the signs even in our loved ones. But I can see why she would leave if she needs to work through a depression and the household/living situation was part of that.

[oldshirt]

How old is she?

 

 

Does she have any kind of history of mental illness or depression or just general nuttiness?

 

 

Any other subtle little signs of her being disgruntled with the relationship?

 

 

Does she have a history of abandoning other commitments in a rash manner? ie quitting a seemingly stable job out of the blue? Trading in a car under payments all of a sudden because she suddenly liked that new, shiny red one while she was driving by the dealership? Is she prone to impulsive and impetuous behavior like that?

 

 

Any signs of another man or her searching for another man/men that you may have overlooked or ignored?

[Mrlonelyone]

Wow. After the way she just up n left I think this is more than a reach out by phone once, then never try again situation. I mean. As Dr. Phil says you teach people how to treat you. If you take her back real easy then you will have taught her she can dump on you and your son.

 

You deserve better.

Your son certainly deserves better.

Heck even your dog deserves better.

 

She should come back in person with a good explanation for you a toy for your son and some name brand kibble for fido.

 

I would say forget it, forget her, but the truth is sometimes people and relationships go thorough these things. My mother did to my father, then came back. He did to her, and came back. Now they are over 40 years together, 35 of them married. Even when it works out relationships are pain.

[oldshirt]

If you were my son I would advise you to assume she is gone for good and start living your life as if she has turned against you and is not your friend and won't be back.

 

 

I would advise my son to immediately get her off any joint accounts or financial instruments and get her off any joint property held. You may need to see an attorney for this but you need to protect your assets and property in case she has gone completely rogue.

[Mrlonelyone]

If you were my son I would advise you to assume she is gone for good and start living your life as if she has turned against you and is not your friend and won't be back.

 

 

I would advise my son to immediately get her off any joint accounts or financial instruments and get her off any joint property held. You may need to see an attorney for this but you need to protect your assets and property in case she has gone completely rogue.

 

Seeing the things I have seen in my own relationships and others. It is a good idea to have two copies of all vital papers filed away where each spouse can have unrestricted access to them. Pre nuptial agreements exist for the same reason. Never trust anyone 100%. Trust but document and verify.

[oldshirt]

she is either trying another man on for size or she has gone completely nuts.

 

 

In both of those scenarios, she is now a hazard to you.

 

 

If it's another dude, she'll show up on your doorstep if it doesn't work out.

 

 

If she's crazy, she'll show up on your doorstep when she realizes she is crazier on her own.

 

 

In both scenarios there is a very real risk of her cleaning out any bank accounts, maxing out credit cards, liguidating other assets and properties. You need to be proactive so that she can not do you any harm.

 

 

Once you have done that it's ok to take her calls if it will help YOU accept what has happened and help you to move forward with your own life.

 

 

But absolutely do NOT roll out the red carpet and welcome her with open arms.

 

 

She will have to earn a second chance and even if you decide to give her another chance, you need to ready, willing and able to pull the ejection handle if she so much as farts sideways.

 

 

I know you are heartbroken and that she was the bees knees, but she obviously isn't. She is dangerous and of bad character. Handle her as such.

[BlueIris]

I’m not understanding the condemning responses.

 

I see this a lot, where people see a break-up as a betrayal but they’re not married, or in this case, even engaged, and they don’t have a child together.

 

I guess a good general question is what do people who are in a pre-marital or still informal relationship “owe” to each other?

 

There’s no evidence that she ripped him off financially. But… OP, you do mention that she left the house and bills. Was this a house you owned or leased together? Whose name is on the lease or mortgage? Did you two get the house together in reliance on each others' income? If she has a financial obligation that you are being stuck with, you might want to talk to her about working that out.

 

If I were in your shoes and my partner left, I’d definitely want to look at what I might do differently in the future.

 

What was the argument about 5 months ago? How did you two handle that?

[oldshirt]

and finally, if she is crazy, that is not your responsibility to treat or manage. That is between her, her doctor and her shrink to deal with.

 

 

Your responsibility is to protect your assets, your property, your child and your heart from crazy people.

 

 

If she has gone off her rocker, your responsibility is to protect yours until she is under a shrinks care and the all-clear has been sounded by her care providers.

 

 

Until then, she is a hazard and a liability.

[BlueIris]

Back when I did divorce law, a fair number of man came in saying that they didn’t see it coming, or that there had been a break or crisis a ways back but things seemed fine since then. It was surprisingly common. Usually, her decision wasn't sudden and there were signs if you think back. Often, when a crisis did occur, maybe like your fight 5 months ago, she voiced her upset or anger, and then tried to put it aside and make extra efforts to save the relationship. But the reasons for the earlier crisis or break weren’t resolved. I think that if you want to figure out what happened, look back at the fight 5 months ago.

[HowCouldShe]

Thank you for the responses thus far! This helps!!! See my responses below. I'm really trying to figure out WHY she contacted me on Friday and what he deal with the friend's request is.... just completely lost.

 

 

How old is she?

 

 

Does she have any kind of history of mental illness or depression or just general nuttiness?

 

 

Ironically, yes, she was together 2 years with a guy that cheated on her (then sent pics of him cheating on her) that eventually sent her into counseling for awhile. When she broke up with me she said she needed to go see a counselor and that she had been looking at bottles of ibuprofen and knives and thinking of suicide. It breaks my heart, because I was always true, always gave my heart out and I feel like this may be in some sick way part of this breakup.

 

Any other subtle little signs of her being disgruntled with the relationship?

Not that I can really think of. We did everything together, like I said we just got back from an amazing vacation, she helped me coach my son's t-ball league, we went out did things, etc. etc.

 

Does she have a history of abandoning other commitments in a rash manner? ie quitting a seemingly stable job out of the blue? Trading in a car under payments all of a sudden because she suddenly liked that new, shiny red one while she was driving by the dealership? Is she prone to impulsive and impetuous behavior like that?

No, she obviously left that guy (and still hates him to this day), but very stable job history, no sudden impulsive behavior, very very stable.

 

Any signs of another man or her searching for another man/men that you may have overlooked or ignored?

Never. We were always together. We never looked thru each other's phones (because we trusted each other), she never went out for "girls nights" (we're both kind of home bodies) and I generally never got the feeling someone else was in the picture. Plus, that Saturday before she left when I pressed her on that to see if there was a guy she screamed at me, threw her phone at me and said check it if you want. There is no other guy.

 

She was cheated on so she knows how it feels. So always told me if someone isn't happy all they have to do is leave (which she did. When I pressed her on this after the breakup... I said after 2 years, at least give me some closure...if you're developing feelings for someone else that's fine... I just need to get on. She was VERY adamant about there being NO ONE.

 

Wow. After the way she just up n left I think this is more than a reach out by phone once, then never try again situation. I mean. As Dr. Phil says you teach people how to treat you. If you take her back real easy then you will have taught her she can dump on you and your son.

 

You deserve better.

Your son certainly deserves better.

Heck even your dog deserves better.

 

She should come back in person with a good explanation for you a toy for your son and some name brand kibble for fido.

 

I would say forget it, forget her, but the truth is sometimes people and relationships go thorough these things. My mother did to my father, then came back. He did to her, and came back. Now they are over 40 years together, 35 of them married. Even when it works out relationships are pain.

I agree. I'm just so worried and this has caught me so off guard, especially when she started talking the suicide thought talk. And she wont let me help so I can only do what she tells me to.

 

If you were my son I would advise you to assume she is gone for good and start living your life as if she has turned against you and is not your friend and won't be back.

 

 

I would advise my son to immediately get her off any joint accounts or financial instruments and get her off any joint property held. You may need to see an attorney for this but you need to protect your assets and property in case she has gone completely rogue.

Everything was in my name, but we did depend on each other financially to get ahead. I'll be able to pull thru and keep going its just extremely tough for me now. The only bill that was in her name was the internet and I immediately switched that over once things went down.

 

 

 

 

I’m not understanding the condemning responses.

 

 

What was the argument about 5 months ago? How did you two handle that?

There was name calling involved. We both had a history of it. If I called her a b**** she would throw it right back and call me an a**hole. She wasn't the type to bottle up anything is what I guess I'm saying. She always let her feelings known....until now.

[BlueIris]

What was the fight about? Name-calling can be depressing because it shows an inability to come together in crisis and control emotions because of respect and caring for the other person. But what I’m wondering is, what point or issue were the two of you arguing about?

 

And I’m glad to hear that you’re not left in the lurch financially.

[lil hoodlum]

I know you don't want to believe this but there is another guy.

 

 

Don't believe a word what she tells you. Her actions speak more at this point. She's depressed? Really? Depressed people or depression shows many signs. She only said that becuase she couldn't think of another answer to tell you since you pushed for an explanation of her behavior.

 

 

I know you are hurt and your world has been turned upside down. I hope you can recover from this quickly and move on with your life.

 

Good luck to you.

[HowCouldShe]

What was the fight about? Name-calling can be depressing because it shows an inability to come together in crisis and control emotions because of respect and caring for the other person. But what I’m wondering is, what point or issue were the two of you arguing about?

 

And I’m glad to hear that you’re not left in the lurch financially.

 

 

I don't even remember to tell you the truth.

 

I know you don't want to believe this but there is another guy.

 

 

Don't believe a word what she tells you. Her actions speak more at this point. She's depressed? Really? Depressed people or depression shows many signs. She only said that becuase she couldn't think of another answer to tell you since you pushed for an explanation of her behavior.

 

 

I know you are hurt and your world has been turned upside down. I hope you can recover from this quickly and move on with your life.

 

Good luck to you.

 

 

Wow. Were you cheated on before? When I get to the bottom of this, I'm going to come back to this thread and point out you were wrong. She's not the type. Likewise, if you were right... i'll sincerely point it out.

[BlueIris]

I don't even remember to tell you the truth.

 

You asked, "What happened?" I think that this ^^^ is the key. You don't remember what led to such a bad fight that she left then. This indicates to me that it didn't register as important to you.

 

My BF had a similar thing happen in his marriage, of 30 years. They were fighting about a financial crisis and his wife kept ignoring the elephant in the living room whereas he saw it every day. He went into a depression, stopped bringing it up or arguing about it, and then he left quite a period of time after the crisis point.

 

I've seen this happen many many times in relationships that end and depression is a component of it.

[HowCouldShe]

You asked, "What happened?" I think that this ^^^ is the key. You don't remember what led to such a bad fight that she left then. This indicates to me that it didn't register as important to you.

 

My BF had a similar thing happen in his marriage, of 30 years. They were fighting about a financial crisis and his wife kept ignoring the elephant in the living room whereas he saw it every day. He went into a depression, stopped bringing it up or arguing about it, and then he left quite a period of time after the crisis point.

 

I've seen this happen many many times in relationships that end and depression is a component of it.

 

I think you might be right. I wish I could register those little fights in my mind, because maybe in her mind they weren't so tiny. (Well obviously). I always believe though that... when you love someone, you work together and sit them down and if you are feeling a certain way... then you need to tell me... hey... "Don't do this or I'm leaving". Maybe she didn't think I would listen, maybe she didn't think it would register. But she could have tried.

 

 

I know for myself and many men out there... we are not mind readers. Why do women always think that? We are simple creatures. We tell you what we are feeling, thinking, and express ourselves. In my experience, if this was the case, she was bottling up a lot of things over a period of time which is neither healthy or fair to herself or the relationship. But me knowing her, and knowing she could dish it out just as much as take it... I could never see her bottling anything up. She would literally have adult temper tantrums sometimes if she didn't get her way. Forcefully slamming doors or screaming at the top of her lungs and it would be over trivial matters, like if I wanted my son (who I've raised by myself since he was 1 month old), to watch a movie in bed with us and if he fell asleep, then so be it. She HATED him sleeping in the bed (which hardly ever happened... maybe 3 or 4 times in the 2 years we were together. But it was enough to piss her off royally and she let me know.

 

 

At least for me, I never meant to hurt her. I love her with all my heart. I hope to get to the bottom of this.

Edited October 5, 2015 by HowCouldShe

[Frank13]

I know you don't want to believe this but there is another guy.

 

 

Don't believe a word what she tells you. Her actions speak more at this point. She's depressed? Really? Depressed people or depression shows many signs. She only said that becuase she couldn't think of another answer to tell you since you pushed for an explanation of her behavior.

 

 

 

I agree with this. We have seen this too many times when the guy knows 100% that there is not another guy but it turns out there is.

 

That's the reason for the sudden departure. When there is another guy, staying with you feels like she is cheating on him, which as you mentioned was done to her. Since you two were always together, its probably a co-worker.

[oldshirt]

Responses below.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't even remember to tell you the truth.

 

 

Yes you do. What was it about and how was it resolved? It may be a very relevant factor to this so please share.

 

Wow. Were you cheated on before? When I get to the bottom of this, I'm going to come back to this thread and point out you were wrong. She's not the type. Likewise, if you were right... i'll sincerely point it out.

 

 

 

 

Don't be so quick to dismiss. Those of us that have been here for awhile have seen full-blown relationships with other people that were way less obvious than this.

The truth is women very rarely leave a stable, nonabusive relationship where there is no addiction and no abuse and no abandonment or infidelity on the man's part if there is no other 3rd party waiting in the wings.

Depression/mental issues is a possible factor to be considered but when you hear clippity clop clippity clop coming down the street, you think horses and not zebras.

99% of the time when a young, fertile woman leaves a stable, healthy relationship with a decent man, it's because she is contemplating another man's offer and trying him on for size.

Whenever somebody writes in with a story like this, many of us advise to start making a serious investigation into another party (which will include hacking computers, phone bills, Facebook, email, planting hidden cameras, voice activated recorders, having her followed etc etc) and in the vast majority of cases, it turns out to be true.

 

 

 

 

[Stage5Clinger]

The two year mark is a landmark that often breaks up relationships. Kind of a **** or get off the pot moment. Sounds like she really really likes you but doesn't have to **** at the moment. Just let her move on and move on yourself. She does sound depressed so if you want to be a shoulder to cry on go for it -- but chalk that up to charity work, and not a method of getting back together with her.

[HowCouldShe]

Responses below.

 

Only possible way that happened is thru work (where she works at a call center). And honestly, if I have to go thru that much work to get a simple explanation then she wasn't worth it in the first place.

 

 

Hurting like hell...but Day 5 NC is just about done.

[HowCouldShe]

Having a really tough time today...couldn't sleep till 2am and call out of work. I'm currently talking to a professional and at least I get to talk to him today. I can't tell you how much this has crumbled my whole world, I've tried as hard as I can to stay positive and power thru, but the way this went down and the lack of answers and WHY DID SHE CONTACT ME ON FRIDAY AND WHAT'S WITH THE RANDOM FB FRIEND REQUEST BY SOME UNKNOWN PERSON IN HER LITTLE HOMETOWN???....ALL FOLLOWED BY NOTHING!

 

 

I know its only been 6 days NC, but literally we were together everyday for 2 years. I poured my heart and soul into this relationship and she destroyed it completely. Why am I not angry? Why do I keep thinking she'll reach out again? She doesn't deserve every aching moment and yet she has them all. God I want to heal... I'm going to the gym every day, eating right (I've lost 15lbs since the breakup), seeking professional help, and trying to stay busy with work and my son and NOW TODAY I have a day like this. And she probably isn't even thinking about me.

 

 

 

 

ONE QUESTION:

I'm not sure how facebook works, but when she initially broke up with me she put her status as single. Now, (from what my brother's wife says, who is still fb friends with her) the status is hidden and it still shows the date we met on her timeline, 10/4/13. Does that mean she has that date as either "it's complicated" or "in a relationship" and hidden?

[HowCouldShe]

Great and I just got back from the Professional I'm talking to and he's telling me I need to write her a letter (or send her a fb msg and sort of open the doors)... iam scared out of my mind right now.

[HowCouldShe]

ugh... I'm freaking out here. Basically I'm putting together a draft/letter to let her know the door is open (since I had everything blocked) to show her there is no anger and to get things off my chest. I hope this is the right thing to do.... this gives her all the power again.

[BlueIris]

ugh... I'm freaking out here. Basically I'm putting together a draft/letter to let her know the door is open (since I had everything blocked) to show her there is no anger and to get things off my chest. I hope this is the right thing to do.... this gives her all the power again.

 

I don't think that's a good idea. She is depressed and going through her own stuff. The bolded parts as well as some of your other responses indicate to me that your letter could hurt. Another poster stated that she ended a "stable healthy" relationship but I see many parts that I wouldn't characterize as healthy and that could cause someone to become depressed. But if you do write and send it and she doesn't come back, or you already have, I guess you can move on and it might help her to move on too.

 

Good luck OP. I believe you that you didn't intend to hurt her.