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Major events the ex will be at -- trigger?


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

Old 29th September 2015, 9:52 PM   #1
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Major events the ex will be at -- trigger?

I guess common sense says don't do it.

Problem is, I went through a break up and we really bonded over common interests while we were together. We both enjoy fan fare and I've always wanted to go to a comic convention, he went to a ton even in different cities. It was always one of our plans.

The one in our city is something I wouldn't mind checking out, but I know I would likely see him there. And, I will likely see the reason we broke up there. Bascially, he was emotionally cheating with some of the cosplay dancers there who also work at a local strip club. He was more interested in paying for their company in the private rooms at the bar than my feelings. I didn't want to be a doormat and exotic dancing isn't well regulated where we live. They are super hero themed at this one club. So naturally comic cons are good business opportunities for them.

My interests don't change, but it's hard to move one when we shared this. Especially when the convention expo comes around, its advertised EVERYWHERE. Radio local tv online city buses and billboards. I have friends and even my own brother goes and so that's all I hear about for weeks before and after.

How do I handle this? I would like to be able to go and enjoy it with my friends, but I think it might really upset me and bring me to a dark place. Even if I dont see him or the girls he would text as he was cuddling with me. Some of these women are literally super hero themed sex workers and he knows them since he goes to the bars and the expos. And I've seen how disrespectful he acts with them.

But another part of me says I need to live my own life and I know the event is happening, I can't hide from it, half the city is involved so why not TRY to enjoy myself?

Anyone exeperience this with sports or maybe art or something similar? This is really upsetting me.
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Old 30th September 2015, 10:00 AM   #2
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I wouldn't go. It's a comic book convention not a friend's wedding or a true event of consequence. You aren't ready to have him & his strippers in your face.
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Old 30th September 2015, 11:59 PM   #3
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For a long time after my break up, I avoided certain restaurants and places I would frequent with my ex. Not necessarily because I was afraid to run into her but more because they would bring back painful memories. I could go back to most of those places now with no problem.

You're right that you need to live and enjoy your life, but that will come with time. It seems like you had a love for fan fare and comic conventions before you met him so there's no reason why that should change after you guys split up. It also looks like your break up is still pretty fresh. I would sit this one out and go to the next one. I was in a similar situation as you about a month after my break up and I decided to go to the event in question. It was terrible. I saw her and I had a terrible time. I actually left early because I felt physically ill. Totally not worth it.
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Old 1st October 2015, 12:48 AM   #4
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Yeah I would stay away for now.. There's a lot of stuff I can't do because of the reminders, hell, there's even certain clothes I can't wear. In particular, I bought a pair of shoes on the trip we were on - I haven't been able to put them on yet, as she left the day we got back.

I can't go to some restaurants, watch some movies, etc. The wounds are just too fresh. Like lost soul said, it's not worth it. I too have gotten physically ill and felt like I was about to have a panic attack. But, if you feel like you can handle it, absolutely go for it because you do have to live your life.
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Old 22nd October 2015, 5:09 PM   #5
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I guess you're right I do know about the anxiety that comes with this. But then I think the challenge is dealing with the triggers and what not when these events happen. I need to find ways to redirect my thoughts to the point where I don't care and who he's there with etc
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Old 22nd October 2015, 5:21 PM   #6
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I'm in a similar spot. My ex and came from the same artist's community. Since I've gone NC I have skipped a lot of events, parties, and places so I wouldn't have to see him. Right now it is more important for me to heal than to risk seeing him. I've gotten the good advice that when it feels safe (when I feel strong) to make sure I go with a friend to any event...someone to confide with or run interference. Right now I would say it is too soon for you if you are having to worry or think about it. Just my opinion.
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Old 22nd October 2015, 6:11 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by glamtran View Post
I guess you're right I do know about the anxiety that comes with this. But then I think the challenge is dealing with the triggers and what not when these events happen. I need to find ways to redirect my thoughts to the point where I don't care and who he's there with etc
you can give yourself time to grieve and not deal with the triggers for a while. you could maybe skip this one out but confront the next one.

take it easy... it takes time. you'll get there and it's totally okay if you're not still ready.
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Old 23rd October 2015, 10:32 AM   #8
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I've skipped a bunch of things. I finally showed up at one and my person made a whole big thing of going, "It's you! You're alive!" I smiled uncomfortably like a spotted celebrity and went back to what I was doing. I enjoyed myself for the most part but at the same time I'm not very eager to leap back into the community, honestly there are better and healthier things for me to be involved in.

I guess it's a question of enjoyment verses anxiety and which is gonna win out.
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Old 23rd October 2015, 9:35 PM   #9
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How about if you're the organizer? And the ex is on your list of people you always contact? Do you a.) carry on as usual and not delete her from your list b.) delete her from your list or c.) cease organizing or even participating in said activity because of a stupid ex.
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