How do you deal with no reason breakup

[wlh22]

Hi all,

Please don't judge me. I have been really struggling with the latest breakup. It almost feels like a dream. I felt the girl started pulling out a bit and it made me extremely aware and uncomfortable (we already had gone through one break where I had proposed and she dragged the discussion so I had to break it up... almost like she forced me to breakup due to her lack of commitment. But she came back to me in some time asking to be with me for life and giving her another chance). So with this back-story, we started dating again, and when I felt she was again pulling away or behaving hot/cold, I got scared and asked her. She said she doesn't know and it's all her and that I was not to be blamed (I apologized if I said anything wrong) and we should talk.

 

 

We never talked after that. She stopped answering my calls. And gave excuses (texts) about how she was busy and couldn't talk to me for a couple of days. In less than a week she blocked me on facebook (without informing me about this or the fact that she is breaking up with me). I suffered the entire week not knowing what was going on and whether I should keep calling her.

 

 

Anyways, when I called in two weeks saying how disrespectful and hurtful her behavior was... her response was "sorry but I just didn't feel it (taking the relationship further)". "Since I was the one who came back and asked to be together, I just didn't know what to say to you".....

 

 

WTF right?

 

 

how do you deal with this kind of person and reason for breakup. I feel like the entire year we spent (although mostly LD) was a sham! She didn't even care enough to talk about the issue or have a genuine reason for breakup. I feel all sorts of emotions from hearbreak, insult, disrespect, I miss her, I miss the image I had built in my head of how life would be in future, I blame myself for giving her another chance and what not.

Edited September 28, 2015 by wlh22

[Frank13]

She lost feelings for you and since she was the one who asked to get back together, she didn't know a good way to break up with you. She didn't want to deal with all the drama and questions like "But you were the one who wanted to get back together so why did you leave?"

[wlh22]

Thanks Frank. It baffles me to imagine someone saying I want to make you so happy. I am sorry for the break before etc. etc. less than a week before behaving like this. You wonder what the hell is the other person thinking and where did you go wrong.

 

 

She lost feelings for you and since she was the one who asked to get back together, she didn't know a good way to break up with you. She didn't want to deal with all the drama and questions like "But you were the one who wanted to get back together so why did you leave?"

[SheleftmeforMichael]

I would have dealt with that situation with extreme prejudice against her for wasting your time.

 

She could have at least made the effort on her part to fess up and come face to face with you and have a discussion and tell you that it wasn't working out for her but she took a more cowardly route which is what some people do when they're not very good at confrontation (which still sucks very much).

 

You put forth allot of effort only to have it thrown in your face when she "didn't feel it" and you were not given much of a reason why other than what you stated. That's insulting and a waste of your time.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through that situation. You deserve better than what she dished out but it is better that you saw her final true colors now so you can begin to close that chapter in your life and start to rebuild and move on.

 

Take this as a life lesson learned and experienced which will make you wiser and appreciate your next partner. And the next time you get those days when you feel like you are missing her, remember as well the effort that you put forth and what was returned. It will help balance out the feelings and help to put her in the past.

 

Good luck, man, and keep your head up. You did more than what allot of other guys would do. There is no shame in that.

[dyna85]

You can't blame yourself for giving her a second chance. You are human and you loved her. How were you to know she'd pull the same (or similar) act again?

 

Having dealt with a similar cut off with no explanation/decency, I can relate to the intensity of anguish that you must be experiencing right now. It's shocking to think someone could behave in such a callous way.

 

The reality is, in a nutshell, you deserve way better than someone who would do this. For her to drag her feet and then block you without warning and go awol with no explanation WAS extremely disrespectful and inconsiderate and speaks volumes as to who is really is. It's definitely going to conflict with that idealized version of her you thought existed.

 

You don't need someone who messes with your emotions like this, knowingly or unknowingly. For someone to be so unempathetic to not understand the impact her actions would have on you, someone who loved and cared for her, that is inexcusable, and the pain you're experiencing right now is necessary to allow you to grow, spiritually and emotionally.

 

I would give it time and just allow yourself to feel the pain. Don't numb it. I did a lot of numbing and it's come to bite me in the butt. The best thing is to just deal with the overflow of emotions and you will gain much from this, months/years down the road.

 

It's not going to be easy seeing her in this new light, but it's a reality that must be accepted. She's shown her true colors and there's no changing them. She's not considerate enough for you. You deserve to be treated with decency and to not accept less. Use this experience to focus on healing yourself.

[wlh22]

Thanks youleftmeformichael and dyna85. You both really hit the point home.

 

 

Dyna85 - you are right the anguish I went through in those moments can't be explained easily. It's as if love/care turns to disgust and hatred in some sense and becomes confusing. You are right that the way she treated me/ended it was EXTREMELY disrespectful and hurtful. And more so, someone who is so confused and keeps changing their mind/emotions/decision so randomly ... I don't want in my life. It only would have led to continued pain, confusion and anguish in my head throughout my life. She was really good at doing things that emotionally screwed with me head but always got away with it.

 

 

But certainly it has not been easy. and I feel like with each breakup I have gone through (and increasing age) the positive and fun loving and caring person in me is disappearing and is being filled with this negative person who has failed in relationships

 

I really am trying but with every blow it kind of becomes more and more difficult to trust people and put yourself out there. Let's see what destiny has in store for me! Thanks again for your kind words.

 

 

 

 

You can't blame yourself for giving her a second chance. You are human and you loved her. How were you to know she'd pull the same (or similar) act again?

 

Having dealt with a similar cut off with no explanation/decency, I can relate to the intensity of anguish that you must be experiencing right now. It's shocking to think someone could behave in such a callous way.

 

The reality is, in a nutshell, you deserve way better than someone who would do this. For her to drag her feet and then block you without warning and go awol with no explanation WAS extremely disrespectful and inconsiderate and speaks volumes as to who is really is. It's definitely going to conflict with that idealized version of her you thought existed.

 

You don't need someone who messes with your emotions like this, knowingly or unknowingly. For someone to be so unempathetic to not understand the impact her actions would have on you, someone who loved and cared for her, that is inexcusable, and the pain you're experiencing right now is necessary to allow you to grow, spiritually and emotionally.

 

I would give it time and just allow yourself to feel the pain. Don't numb it. I did a lot of numbing and it's come to bite me in the butt. The best thing is to just deal with the overflow of emotions and you will gain much from this, months/years down the road.

 

It's not going to be easy seeing her in this new light, but it's a reality that must be accepted. She's shown her true colors and there's no changing them. She's not considerate enough for you. You deserve to be treated with decency and to not accept less. Use this experience to focus on healing yourself.

[casey.lives]

Okay well.. i hate to put it so simply but it's dating.. it's the dance. Sometimes it last and sometimes it doesn't. you don't need to lose trust in this. A year is a good amount of time to measure things with feelings and with your clear lenses. what happened was that you were getting "the fade".. guys are funny like that, a hair style turned break up strategy..

 

I don't feel like continuing the relationship is a perfectly legitimate reason.

 

A year is nothing .. nothing baaaad really happened. hop. skip and go.

[Mrlonelyone]

What Casey.lives says is very true. Dating for a year or two isn't all that long of an R. A decade or two is a long time. You have no kids to fight over, property to divide, etc. In those practical senses this isn't so bad.

 

That said. This wasn't just "the fade". It sounds as if on Monday she was saying and doing loving things then by Friday she changed her numbers, blocked.

 

OP it sounds like this. You wanted to marry her, she did not want to marry you. She liked spending time with you ....but she isn't trying to be your wife. While in this age it seems like people want to be married ASAP not everyone does.

 

You learned that she isn't the one.

[wlh22]

Thanks Mrlonelyone. You are right (and Casey - thanks for being direct. I need the balanced feedback). One year isn't very long as I see people on this site breaking up after years of being together and/or marrying/kids.

 

 

But if you also right that this wasn't a matter of fade. She came back in to my life saying she wanted to be with me for life. She told me literally less than a week ago this happened about how she will never let me go, she will make really happy etc. And then this! "I didn't feel it".

 

 

This has really screwed up with my head. It brought out a whole range of emotions from feeling disrespected, insulted, not being shown basic level of care, and thinking that I can't really open to anyone else if someone can be such a liar.

 

 

Note that this girl actually came back to me after the first break saying she wants be committed with me. And she ended up this time, without even officially ending it. She just stopped picking up my calls and after 3-4 days I felt such an anguish that I had to assume she broke up with me when I realize I have been blocked from her fb.

 

 

What Casey.lives says is very true. Dating for a year or two isn't all that long of an R. A decade or two is a long time. You have no kids to fight over, property to divide, etc. In those practical senses this isn't so bad.

 

That said. This wasn't just "the fade". It sounds as if on Monday she was saying and doing loving things then by Friday she changed her numbers, blocked.

 

OP it sounds like this. You wanted to marry her, she did not want to marry you. She liked spending time with you ....but she isn't trying to be your wife. While in this age it seems like people want to be married ASAP not everyone does.

 

You learned that she isn't the one.

Edited October 11, 2015 by wlh22

[Cora]

Just wanted to say keep your chin up. I know this isn't an easy thing to go through. I can relate to how you are feeling as my ex completely shut me out too with no explanation instead of talking about it like a decent human being would do. It's difficult to see now, but the right woman is out there for you. One who would never dream of treating you this way. I'm sorry for your pain.

[Mrlonelyone]

I know exactly how you feel. I've gone around and around with one ex who has been kind of like that.

It is called a Push Pull dynamics

 

She pushes you away when you try to pull her in. Then when you stop trying to pull her in she comes closer.

 

The problem is if you try to advance to the next level she pulls away again.

 

It isn't that she does not like or love you. It is more to do with her own neuroses about relationships.

 

The question for you is do you want to put up with that. IS she that great that she's worth it.

 

 

Thanks Mrlonelyone. You are right (and Casey - thanks for being direct. I need the balanced feedback). One year isn't very long as I see people on this site breaking up after years of being together and/or marrying/kids.

 

 

But if you also right that this wasn't a matter of fade. She came back in to my life saying she wanted to be with me for life. She told me literally less than a week ago this happened about how she will never let me go, she will make really happy etc. And then this! "I didn't feel it".

 

 

This has really screwed up with my head. It brought out a whole range of emotions from feeling disrespected, insulted, not being shown basic level of care, and thinking that I can't really open to anyone else if someone can be such a liar.

 

 

Note that this girl actually came back to me after the first break saying she wants be committed with me. And she ended up this time, without even officially ending it. She just stopped picking up my calls and after 3-4 days I felt such an anguish that I had to assume she broke up with me when I realize I have been blocked from her fb.

[bathtub-row]

I know you're hurting a lot and I really feel for you. Reading about how she handled this, I think you'll eventually realize that you're better off without someone who would behave in such a heartless manner. I know you think she did what she did because she didn't care but even in a situation like that, she should've shown some decency and had a conversation with you about it. It was a crappy thing to do.

[wlh22]

Thanks Cora and Bathtub-row. Mrlonelyone - No! I don't want to be with her. But it's my own internal and emotional adjustment that I am struggling with. She left me that too in such a insensitive way. And it's not like we were fighting about one topic or having certain issues. So although there was a point I really wanted to be with her and putting myself emotionally out there again with her, the way things have ended - no I don't want to be with her.

 

 

 

The bigger issue has been processing how this whole thing has happened and how it is making me depressed. I mean this is the same woman who made all the effort to get me back in her life ... literally saying "if you please give me a chance to be with you blah blah". I gave it time to really see her actions and saw that she was genuinely putting all the effort and time and made me feel really special. So I really fell for her again, only to be randomly crushed. I went through such an emotional roller coaster, I can't even explain. it's like pain in the knee caused by hitting a iron block. it's there but I can't explain.

 

I have also recently moved to a new area and don't have anyone friends/family nearby. I am talking on phone with a few close friends but they are also getting tired that I can't seem to move on and be happy.

 

 

I really want to send her a text message, even after a month of this weird breakup saying "**** off. You really ****ed with my emotions and wasted a year of my life. You will realize what you lost when you get treated like crap one day". Please put some sense in me.

 

 

 

I am really struggling to feel normal, happy and peaceful again. It's not going to be attractive to anyone. And I am not going to feel in a good head space to be in a loving position again. I am starting to feel like all women are like this. They can't be trusted and are selfish liars who never reveal their true feelings and thoughts.

Edited October 11, 2015 by wlh22

[Mrlonelyone]

As much as this will suck the only were is time and healing. Let Yourself feel the grief. Let yourself feel the pain. It may take years and / or finding a truly good secure stable sane loving relationship to fully get over this.

 

Nothing gets me over one ex like Meeting someone new and really feeling it with them. For me personally it can take a year or two.

 

There seems to be no real cure but time and eventually new love.

 

 

For her to have done all the work for you to get back together then this ... it can be hard to swallow.

 

I'll bet you're thinking "If someone who says and does all these things for me will just up and leave me like that then how can I ever open up again?"

 

The truth is anyone can be left at any time. We have to trust our partners and view their violation of our trust not as our failing but as their failing. She failed you. She failed to live up to what you deserve. She lied to herself and to you about really wanting you back.

[wlh22]

Thanks for writing back Mrlonelyone. I think you are right, a big part of it is going to be meeting a new person. I am just afraid me in my shell is not going be attractive to anyone, and I don't have much on my side as I am already 32.

 

 

But more importantly, you are absolutely right. THIS! This is what I am most scared of. I am absolutely scared of opening up to someone again and I think it is going to be with me every moment in my head. I really hope that changes. This is the second time I fell for someone who walked out on me.

 

 

I think I also struggle to understand this psychology of "I just didn't feel it" "I just wasn't happy" ... unless of course there are visible and know reasons. I always used to think people that fight for certain things or it's obvious the other party doesn't show any care or love for you, then it's fine to leave. Otherwise, where is one's sense of love and commitment?

 

If "I am not happy" can be used as a reason, I think anything is okay and there is actually no meaning to a bond and commitment. I see people using this even after marriage and for cheating. This is really scary. The other side always gets hurt, and actually for no fault of their own.

 

 

Sorry for the rant.

 

 

 

You are right though. In my opinion also : She failed me. She failed to live up to what I deserve. She lied to herself and to me about really wanting me back. And that is really ****ed up.

 

 

As much as this will suck the only were is time and healing. Let Yourself feel the grief. Let yourself feel the pain. It may take years and / or finding a truly good secure stable sane loving relationship to fully get over this.

 

Nothing gets me over one ex like Meeting someone new and really feeling it with them. For me personally it can take a year or two.

 

There seems to be no real cure but time and eventually new love.

 

 

For her to have done all the work for you to get back together then this ... it can be hard to swallow.

 

I'll bet you're thinking "If someone who says and does all these things for me will just up and leave me like that then how can I ever open up again?"

 

The truth is anyone can be left at any time. We have to trust our partners and view their violation of our trust not as our failing but as their failing. She failed you. She failed to live up to what you deserve. She lied to herself and to you about really wanting you back.

Edited October 12, 2015 by wlh22

[Qboro90]

How old are the two of you if I may ask?

 

To be totally honest it's not accurate to say that there was "no reason for the breakup". She had her reason, you just don't necessarily understand or agree with them or she didn't spell them out to you.

 

The fact that you had only been dating a year and from what I understand proposed to her twice is something that would scare some girls away. Were you living with one another?

 

You said that the first time you broke up it was because you proposed and she didn't directly want to answer and ended up breaking up with her almost out of force. How long had you been dating when you proposed the first time?

It is never a good idea to propose to someone because you're worried they're pulling away and you think committing to a marriage and lifetime together is what will fix it..

 

That will actually break it apart. Sounds like your proposals came at times that the relationship was a bit Rocky so asking her to marry you is going to force her to say no. Let's face it, if she doesn't wanna marry you then why would you still want to date her right? Now on the other hand, if you had discussed with her how she felt about your relationship and if she had any thoughts on how she thinks her future with you looks, then you could've averted heartbreak and embarrassment of a denied proposal.

 

Never propose to someone if you are not 1000% sure you know what the answer will be. She may have come back and wanted to date you again because she was lonely and thought she was too quick to leave and then when you started being full fledged "marry me" mode again she realized that you were moving too fast or were too clingy and she wasn't interested anymore .

[Blanco]

You two were only together for a year and most of that, as you said, was long-distance. Proposing under those circumstances, in addition to how young I'll bet you both are, would be a major red flag for a lot of people.

 

And no relationship ends for literally no reason. She told you she wasn't feeling it, which, vague as it may be to you, IS a reason. If she's not feeling it, then she probably (rightfully) feels like she shouldn't continue dating someone who apparently feels strongly enough about her that he's already proposed marriage.

[wlh22]

Thanks Qboro. For context, I am 32 and she was 26. We come from a culture where live-in relationships are not acceptable and people "court" only a few months before getting married. It is more of a sense of giving respect to the relationship. Of course, there are exceptions.

 

 

I had proposed after around 6 months and I was very supportive that she needed more time. But I did not see her talk about a next step with me and giving me any confidence, even if it was down the line. Which led to me breaking up. I felt we were just at different stages of life, and I wasn't able to trust if she was looking for a serious relationship or not.

 

 

Anyways, I did not propose the second time. Rather she came back to me saying she screwed up and regreted letting me go and wants to be with me for life. Of course, I was not in an emotional state of mind to say immediately yes to marriage. We started dating/talking again. I never proposed the second time but I certainly was falling in love again and wanted to do that eventually.

 

 

So no - I don't think I pushed her by "proposing". I am very sure about that.

 

 

 

 

How old are the two of you if I may ask?

 

To be totally honest it's not accurate to say that there was "no reason for the breakup". She had her reason, you just don't necessarily understand or agree with them or she didn't spell them out to you.

 

The fact that you had only been dating a year and from what I understand proposed to her twice is something that would scare some girls away. Were you living with one another?

 

You said that the first time you broke up it was because you proposed and she didn't directly want to answer and ended up breaking up with her almost out of force. How long had you been dating when you proposed the first time?

It is never a good idea to propose to someone because you're worried they're pulling away and you think committing to a marriage and lifetime together is what will fix it..

 

That will actually break it apart. Sounds like your proposals came at times that the relationship was a bit Rocky so asking her to marry you is going to force her to say no. Let's face it, if she doesn't wanna marry you then why would you still want to date her right? Now on the other hand, if you had discussed with her how she felt about your relationship and if she had any thoughts on how she thinks her future with you looks, then you could've averted heartbreak and embarrassment of a denied proposal.

 

Never propose to someone if you are not 1000% sure you know what the answer will be. She may have come back and wanted to date you again because she was lonely and thought she was too quick to leave and then when you started being full fledged "marry me" mode again she realized that you were moving too fast or were too clingy and she wasn't interested anymore .

[wlh22]

Blanco. I don't mean to convert this discussion in to a battle hehe. you are right. I struggle the most because she was the one who came back to me and did all the work! So no - I don't think the proposal was a red flag. If it was she would have dumped me the first time only. She says she wanted to say yes but wasn't sure. and it's okay to feel that way.

 

 

The issue is - if two people want different things, move on. But then don't come back making all sorts of commitments and promises to walk out.

 

 

 

 

You two were only together for a year and most of that, as you said, was long-distance. Proposing under those circumstances, in addition to how young I'll bet you both are, would be a major red flag for a lot of people.

 

And no relationship ends for literally no reason. She told you she wasn't feeling it, which, vague as it may be to you, IS a reason. If she's not feeling it, then she probably (rightfully) feels like she shouldn't continue dating someone who apparently feels strongly enough about her that he's already proposed marriage.

[mystikmind2005]

I went through a loooong period of not dating, something like around 7 years.

 

The whole time i kept a magazine cut out story in my wallet.

 

It was the story of a woman who dumped her husband and did not even know why,,, 'feelings' that she did not understand blah blah bullcrap bullcrap.

 

I kept it to remind me why women are no good,,,, did not learn tho and now after wife of 6 years moved out last January, i do regret not sticking with it.