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Really struggling to move on...


jonesey0

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Well, i already posted my story in this forum, but i'll make a quick recap of my situation.

 

Me and my now ex-gf were together for 14 years, lived together for the past 4 years (but lived partially together for almost 10 years), and were now both in our 30's (i'm 32, she's 30).

We were engaged since Dec'13, and had plans on getting married this year or the next one, and have children the year after.

 

Marriage wasn't a priority to me, since in my mind we were "married" for a long time, and everybody else who knew us told the same - that we were more of a married couple than 90% the people they knew.

 

We loved each other very much, were best friends and partners, and our relationship was really great and loving for all those years. We never separated, we never had a break, we never even spent one day without talking to each other. Everyone - family, friends, etc - thought we were the most lovable and united couple they knew, the one who will last forever.

 

She broke up with me in March (we're almost 6 months broken up), and said she had lost feelings and thought we were just friends, not lovers anymore.

 

I asked to reconsider and give us another chance in the first days after the breakup, and since then never even touched the subject of the breakup in all our interactions, neither has she.

 

In these almost 6 months, we remained in LC, initiated by both, and we have been together personally 5 times.

 

In the last two months i stopped initiating contact with her, and every couple of weeks she texts me, everytime asking stuff about our dog (which stayed with me). The dog is just an excuse for her to reach out to me.

 

From friends, i know she is very down on herself, cries alot, asks if i'm seeing someone, doesnt like going out, and her family is worried about her, and that she doesn't have or even wants to meet someone else.

 

Two weeks ago we met for coffee - my initiative - and it was really great for the both of us. We were supposed to just have coffee, but end up having dinner together, and we were together for 4 hours, until 11:30 PM.

 

She is still the same person i love, she hasn't changed anything in her behaviour, and i could see she is very sad.

 

When we said goodbye, she told me we should meet again soon, and then said that she knows she doesn't have the right to ask me for anything.

 

She went on vacation the past weeks with her parents, and neither contacted the other.

 

In these 6 months i have really grown up as a man, and my professionally and phisically i really improved myself. I'm in a much better frame of mind than i was 6 months , 1 year ago.

 

Should i wait for her to come to terms with what she wants from her life, remain in LC with her, meet her when we have the chance, try to take things slow and rekindle what we had?

 

Should i let go of her, and really move on with my life?

 

Should i have a serious talk with her, ask her what she wants from me or what role she sees me in her future?

 

I love this woman, i really miss her, and the idea of not spending the rest of my life with her is heartbreaking.

 

But over ther past 6 months i know one thing: i WANT to spend the rest of my life with her , i dont NEED to spend the rest of my life with her in order to be happy and have a fullfilling life.

 

Any input? Thanks in advance.

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This living in limbo is going to extend your pain indefinitely. It's time for her to sh** or get off the can.

 

6 months is plenty long enough for her to decide if the breakup is final or not. Tell her you need to know her final answer, and you need to know it right now. If she wants to rekindle then all is good. If not, then cut ties. If she can't give you a final answer, then it means "no". Don't allow yourself to be strung along any more. Anything but "yes!", is "no".

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Hi.

 

Next week it'll mark six months that my ex-girlfriend broke up with me, and while i feel that i have done much progress over the few months on me, i still think about her 24/7.

 

I can't honestly think of one thing i have done in the past six months that gave me joy, or the last time i was truly happy with something.

 

I still can't come to terms with why she broke up with me, to be alone. If she got into a new relationship with somebody right after the breakup, at least i would know the reason, and by now i think i would be much better.

 

After being together for 14 years, sharing everything, growing up together, supporting eachother in everything, i just don't know how i will be able to move on.

 

Everything i experienced in my life in the past 14 years that i cherish and remember, she was by my side.

 

I never imagined my life without her, and right now i feel really lost.

 

I don't feel anger towards her, i don't hate her, i don't blame her for anything.

 

How can i move on with my life, still loving this person so much, even though i have lost all hope of getting back with her?

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Hey, I can totally relate to how you're feeling. My relationship lasted 15 years and ended about 4 months ago. And of course I'm still not over him. I wouldn't say I didn't experience any joy in these past 4 months but still there is kind of a fog hanging over my soul, surely. What were the reasons why she left you?

 

I'm not sure if it would be easier if your ex would have somebody new to be honest. My ex does have somebody new or at least he has left me for someone else and believe me that is ****ing hard! I guess we always tell ourselves "if only it would at least be like this ... then it would be easier". Actually I thought to myself "if he only would be alone now as well and wouldn't be with someone else then it would be easier". So the complete opposite of your thought. Maybe it's just that we think the situation we are in must be the worst of all.

 

I don't know. 6 months is still not much after 14 years. I can totally relate though, I'm thinking that it "should be" enough after my 4 months already. But it isn't I guess.

 

Hang in there! It will be okay! Talk to friends, or family, watch movies, swim or cycle or dance or read a book or write in your diary ... whatever gives you a little bit of peace.

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Hey, I can totally relate to how you're feeling. My relationship lasted 15 years and ended about 4 months ago. And of course I'm still not over him. I wouldn't say I didn't experience any joy in these past 4 months but still there is kind of a fog hanging over my soul, surely. What were the reasons why she left you?

 

I'm not sure if it would be easier if your ex would have somebody new to be honest. My ex does have somebody new or at least he has left me for someone else and believe me that is ****ing hard! I guess we always tell ourselves "if only it would at least be like this ... then it would be easier". Actually I thought to myself "if he only would be alone now as well and wouldn't be with someone else then it would be easier". So the complete opposite of your thought. Maybe it's just that we think the situation we are in must be the worst of all.

 

I don't know. 6 months is still not much after 14 years. I can totally relate though, I'm thinking that it "should be" enough after my 4 months already. But it isn't I guess.

 

Hang in there! It will be okay! Talk to friends, or family, watch movies, swim or cycle or dance or read a book or write in your diary ... whatever gives you a little bit of peace.

 

Thanks for your kind words.

 

The reason she gave to leave me was that she felt we were just friends, and that she didnt know what she felt towards me anymore.

 

Later i found out that she had developed a crush on some guy that worked with her, but that backfired because he went back to his ex. They didnt even had coffee together.

 

Unlike your case, which i finished reading minutes ago (so sorry for everything you've been through), we have been in limited contact since the breakup, but never touched the subject of the breakup. We met 5 times, even had dinner last month and were together for 4 hours.

 

As of today, we are in the longest period of no contact since the breakup - 3 weeks.

 

I've been trying to keep me occupied, i have my life in order professionally and financially, but i really miss having her around. We were great together.

 

Life sucks.

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Thank you. I see. Well, I don't know. People in this forum quite fiercly defend no contact as a rule and I definitely experienced myself what benefits it can have. Honestly, I wouldn't have been able to meet my ex or go for dinner. I would have been much too scared and all churned up inside. Any contact, even any email was stressing me out like God knows what. So no contact really helped me to calm down and focus on my own life. That might help you, too?

 

I don't know your reason (and hers) to still see ach other. I guess you are still hoping for reconciliation?

Somewhere in my mind I am too but I also feel that it is less and less likely. My ex was very clear and cold in contact. And that might be better than being friendly and agreeing to meet up for a chat or something, although that might appear kind.

 

It sucks! I know. My ex was very over-zealously emphasizing how he is "very well" (in his last direct message), so he seems to be wanting to show that of course the break up is still the right thing, no mistake, no sadness, no missing me. Horrible! But we can't change them. Or it. It's just ****.

 

But hey at least you got a tiny little bit of satisfaction cause her crush didn't work out, no? (I'm joking, I know it's probably meaningless in all the pain.)

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Well, six months after breakup of 14 year relationship and one month without any contact between us (longer period of time since the breakup), i'm really struggling to move on..

 

I can't think of anything but her all day long, i'm having a really tough time concentrating on my job, on my hobbies, everything.

 

It's been so long and i lost all hope of us getting back together...

 

I can't believe how a person who was so close to me, who loved me so much, could just walk away, and never look back.

 

How can she not miss me ? How can she not miss what we had, the only person in the world who really knows and understands her, who helped her through everything in her life?

 

I don't take pleasure in anything i do these days, and i have been travelling, going out, been with friends, changed my appearence radically, look much younger...

 

 

 

I can't even understand, after six months, how could she pull the plug on everything, why she did it, how can she not regret it...

 

Any suggestions on how i can turn this around, and really move on?

I just wish i wake up one day, and i am looking forward to whatever i have to do that day, instead of going around like a robot.

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Sooooo, I went back and tried to brush up on your story.

 

13 years together.

 

BU for 5 months. You invited her for coffee. She stayed for hours.

 

She said lets do it again soon.

 

You waited two weeks to email her.

 

She said she's going on vacation with her parents, but would like to plan something after.

 

After that I didn't see if you said what you did next.

 

Did you try to schedule again and she turned you down?

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Sooooo, I went back and tried to brush up on your story.

 

13 years together.

 

BU for 5 months. You invited her for coffee. She stayed for hours.

 

She said lets do it again soon.

 

You waited two weeks to email her.

 

She said she's going on vacation with her parents, but would like to plan something after.

 

After that I didn't see if you said what you did next.

 

Did you try to schedule again and she turned you down?

 

No, i didnt contact her after that. Neither did she.

Its been 6 weeks of no contact.

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Why don't you persue her. I don't think she thinks you care much.

 

If I wasnt privy to your inner thoughts I wouldn't think you cared.

 

I don't know that, i believe she knows my feelings for her.

 

In these 6 months i always have been polite and friendly around her, never mentioned the relationship or getting back together, anything like that.

 

She broke up with me, she gave up on us, and didnt even explained me why.

 

If she wants anything to do with me, i believe she would take the first step.

 

And she hasn't.

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Be gentle and take deep breaths. This will be a long road ahead but you can do it. Trust yourself that you will heal from this and move forward with your life and live better and stronger. We have been through the wringer and are here for you.

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Be gentle and take deep breaths. This will be a long road ahead but you can do it. Trust yourself that you will heal from this and move forward with your life and live better and stronger. We have been through the wringer and are here for you.

 

Absolutely spot on.

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I don't know that, i believe she knows my feelings for her.

 

In these 6 months i always have been polite and friendly around her, never mentioned the relationship or getting back together, anything like that.

 

She broke up with me, she gave up on us, and didnt even explained me why.

 

If she wants anything to do with me, i believe she would take the first step.

 

And she hasn't.

 

If she has been polite and friendly around you and never mentioned getting back together would you be surprised to find out she was crazy about you and wanted th future with you? Cause that's what you're doing to her!

 

You seemed to suggest you weren't the best at the end of the relationship before she left. Sounds like she might just respects herself and perhaps was trying to get out of a dead end situation.

 

Guys are so complacent these days!

 

 

I'm not sure what everyone else knows to be counseling you to move on, but from what I can glean from your story...you need to fight for her.

 

If you want her, try.

 

If you just want her to want you, move on.

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If she has been polite and friendly around you and never mentioned getting back together would you be surprised to find out she was crazy about you and wanted th future with you? Cause that's what you're doing to her!

 

You seemed to suggest you weren't the best at the end of the relationship before she left. Sounds like she might just respects herself and perhaps was trying to get out of a dead end situation.

 

Guys are so complacent these days!

 

 

I'm not sure what everyone else knows to be counseling you to move on, but from what I can glean from your story...you need to fight for her.

 

If you want her, try.

 

If you just want her to want you, move on.

 

I wasn't at my best at the end of the relationship, and neither was she. It was 4-5 rough months we had, after she had a health problem and things started to go south after that.

 

I want her, i have no doubt in my mind about that.

 

But maybe she needs time for herself, to figure out who she is and how special it was what we had. I believe we both took for granted what we had, and didnt appreciate how hard it is to have a long, healthy and loving relationship like we had.

 

I needed time away to realise that. Hope she feels the same.

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LoveIsMyReligion

14 years is a long time...

 

I would imagine this will take a while to recover from, however I can assure you that waiting on your ex to decide whether or not you are happy is a bad decision.

 

People tend to gravitate towards those who are in a positive state of mind, people who are enjoying themselves, someone who is comfortable in their own skin and couldn't care less about the opinion of others.

 

I think your best chance of winning this girl back is to make being happy as a single man your #1 priority. If she contacts you, keep the conversation brief and to the point, don't ask questions about her. If you do end up meeting sometime in the future she will either realize you are still hung up on her, which will validate her decision to break up, or she will realize that she made a mistake by leaving such a positive upbeat person.

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14 years is a long time...

 

I would imagine this will take a while to recover from, however I can assure you that waiting on your ex to decide whether or not you are happy is a bad decision.

 

People tend to gravitate towards those who are in a positive state of mind, people who are enjoying themselves, someone who is comfortable in their own skin and couldn't care less about the opinion of others.

 

I think your best chance of winning this girl back is to make being happy as a single man your #1 priority. If she contacts you, keep the conversation brief and to the point, don't ask questions about her. If you do end up meeting sometime in the future she will either realize you are still hung up on her, which will validate her decision to break up, or she will realize that she made a mistake by leaving such a positive upbeat person.

 

Spot on.

That's what i'm trying to do with my life, little by little, but it's really hard.

It's like i try to move forward but have a huge weight pushing me back.

But i believe i'm getting there.

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Lately i have some good days, where i am able to go work, take pride in what i do, talk to coworkers and everything seems to be going back to normal.

 

Then, i have some other days, like today, where i just feel really down on myself, wonder where she is, if she misses me, if she wants to reach out to me...

 

I miss seeing her, talking to her, touching her, her smell..

 

It freightens me that sometimes i have trouble remembering those things about her...she is really gone!

 

That is something really terrible for me to acknowledge....

 

We've together 14 years, spoke to eachother every day all those years, never been apart for more than 4 days!

 

How can she just move on, and not even have the urge to talk to me and see me?? I cant understand that...

 

We were together 14 years..and none of us ever dreamt of breaking up..until now.

 

Never had a break, a big fight, threats of breaking up, nothing...

 

She left me, our house, our dog, our future, everything, and never even looked back...

 

How is this possible?

 

Im really lost...

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LoveIsMyReligion
Lately i have some good days, where i am able to go work, take pride in what i do, talk to coworkers and everything seems to be going back to normal.

 

 

She left me, our house, our dog, our future, everything, and never even looked back...

 

How is this possible?

 

You don't want things to go back to normal. This is a wake up call for you to do anything BUT normal. I quit my boring job and moved. I bought a new wardrobe. I made the gym a part of my every day life.

 

It's tough but the worst thing you can do is put a question mark where there should be a period. Would it really make a difference at this point?

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  • 2 weeks later...
SoThatHappened

Going against the grain here, Jonesey, but I say may a last-ditch over-the-top effort to get her back.

 

If that doesn't work, you have your answer and you HAVE to move on.

 

You regret the things you DON'T do more than the things you DO.

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Well, exactly two months after the last time we were together and had any contact, she texted me today.

 

A small text - sorry to disturb you, only wanted to know if everything is alright with you.

 

Strange thing is, this hasnt affected me at all. And i know for sure that i wont answer to this.

 

Two months without a word from both sides, and asks me if im ok?

 

What is she thinking? Getting tired of this.

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14 years is a long time. and I don't know your story fully. But "two months of no contact" .... what are you thinking? She may also be confused by your behavior.

 

 

 

 

Like others said, it is clear you need to first decide what you want and act ON IT. Don't test her. Don't assume anything. Tell her "You are okay and you have been wanting to get back together and would like to meetup" or tell her "You are okay but just not ready to talk to her, as you need to focus on moving on in your life and wish her the best". You choose!

 

 

Well, exactly two months after the last time we were together and had any contact, she texted me today.

 

A small text - sorry to disturb you, only wanted to know if everything is alright with you.

 

Strange thing is, this hasnt affected me at all. And i know for sure that i wont answer to this.

 

Two months without a word from both sides, and asks me if im ok?

 

What is she thinking? Getting tired of this.

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We had a great time together two months ago, i invite her again one week later and she makes an excuse that she cant go and we reschedule later.

 

Two months pass without a word from her..and now i get this text - hi, sorry to disturb you, i just want to know if everything is alright with you and 'our dogs name'.

 

I dont think i should even consider respond to this.

Two months ago i gave it my last try, and she then ignored me for two months.

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Ive already posted my story in this forum..to make a recado:

14 years together, engaged, together since highschool, she broke up with me 7 months ago.

Tried in the first week for her to reconsider, since then none of us ever touched the subject of our relationship.

Very limited and friendly contact during the first five months, been together four times, two months ago we had coffee then dinner for four hours.

During the five months, contact was 80% initiated by her.

Since we had dinner, i invited one week later to meet again, and she said she couldnt because she was going on vacation with her parents (true) and that well reschedule soon.

Two months passed and no contact from both parts.

 

Yesterday she texted me - hi, sorry to disturb you, i just want to know if everything is alright with you.

 

I didnt answer, and honestly dont know if i should.

Part of me believes i should ignore her, for her to see what is life without me, and without knowing how i am or what the hell im doing.

 

Ive done my healing, and im starting to feel fine with my life.

But i still love her, and think we could be great together.

 

Please help me here: should i ignore her and see if she really wants me and contacts again, or should i reply politely and friendly,like ive done since the breakup?

 

The only time i didnt reply to one of her texts, she freaked out and kept calling me until i said everything was ok.

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Ive already posted my story in this forum..to make a recado:

14 years together, engaged, together since highschool, she broke up with me 7 months ago.

Tried in the first week for her to reconsider, since then none of us ever touched the subject of our relationship.

Very limited and friendly contact during the first five months, been together four times, two months ago we had coffee then dinner for four hours.

During the five months, contact was 80% initiated by her.

Since we had dinner, i invited one week later to meet again, and she said she couldnt because she was going on vacation with her parents (true) and that well reschedule soon.

Two months passed and no contact from both parts.

 

Yesterday she texted me - hi, sorry to disturb you, i just want to know if everything is alright with you.

 

I didnt answer, and honestly dont know if i should.

Part of me believes i should ignore her, for her to see what is life without me, and without knowing how i am or what the hell im doing.

 

Ive done my healing, and im starting to feel fine with my life.

But i still love her, and think we could be great together.

 

Please help me here: should i ignore her and see if she really wants me and contacts again, or should i reply politely and friendly,like ive done since the breakup?

 

The only time i didnt reply to one of her texts, she freaked out and kept calling me until i said everything was ok.

 

I would reply, and in a way that will force her to reveal if this text is just breadcrumbs or if it is in fact her placing herself in your orbit in hopes that you'll reconsider her.

 

I'd suggest sending something like this (If you want to have another go with her): "Hi, I'm fantastic thanks, it's great to hear from you! I'd love to see you, you should come over to my place and we can make dinner and have some drinks - when are you free next week?"

 

If she's interested in only a friendship, she won't agree to this - Because "dinner and drinks at my place" is a romantic gesture and on top of that she will be having to make the effort to come to you (unlike what you've done in the past with coffee etc). If she says no or suggests anything else, just respectfully decline, tell her to get in contact if she changes her mind and leave it at that.

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