Jump to content

Six months since she left me and I'm going insane


Andy_land

Recommended Posts

Hi everyone, new guy here, I'm 24. I don't know if I need help, advice, tips or all of those, I'm really lost, you be the judge.

 

Six month ago my ex girlfriend left me almost out of the blue. The last month she was cold and distant but she had her last exams and whatnot, I didn't read much into it. She took a job in another country and one night in March, about a week before her flight, she texted me "I'm not gonna miss you when I'm gone", and that was it. We met one last time before she left because I begged her. I still dream of that night, the worst night of my life. She was calm, as if nothing happened, she said she couldn't make it work because of the distance, that she didn't wanna hurt me. I didn't say much, I was in shock. I drove home in tears that night.

 

She was my first serious relationship, as in L bombs were dropped from both parts for the first time in our life, we used to playfully talk about future together, kids, etc. Needless to say I died inside, there's really nothing else I could say to describe what I felt. So she left the country and never came back. She texted me once she landed like never happened, something like "I just wanted to let you know I landed and everything's ok!", then she cut all contact and I haven't heard from her in six months. The lack of closure and the way she left me slingshot me into an ugly depression, which I'm still fighting with no success. I still think about her all the time, I constantly dream of her, the pain is burning me alive inside. I'm a ghost of who I used to be, I fake every smile, every laugh, I can't enjoy anything anymore. I just wake up, go to work, function, and then go home only to feel the darkness crawl out of its dent and driving me insane. Is it normal after six months to be exactly where I was the night she sent me that text? I still cry, a lot. Pretty weak uh? I agree. I have good friends, I'm lucky, but I stopped talking to them about how I really feel a long time ago, I don't feel it's right to unload my burden on them after six months. I feel numb all the time, lost, depressed, lonely, full of self-loathing, I can't understand how the person I loved more than life could hurt me so much for no real reasons. I guess I'm not built for this. Anyway, thank to anyone who read this. I don't know what to do anymore.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi everyone, new guy here, I'm 24. I don't know if I need help, advice, tips or all of those, I'm really lost, you be the judge.

 

Six month ago my ex girlfriend left me almost out of the blue. The last month she was cold and distant but she had her last exams and whatnot, I didn't read much into it. She took a job in another country and one night in March, about a week before her flight, she texted me "I'm not gonna miss you when I'm gone", and that was it. We met one last time before she left because I begged her. I still dream of that night, the worst night of my life. She was calm, as if nothing happened, she said she couldn't make it work because of the distance, that she didn't wanna hurt me. I didn't say much, I was in shock. I drove home in tears that night.

 

She was my first serious relationship, as in L bombs were dropped from both parts for the first time in our life, we used to playfully talk about future together, kids, etc. Needless to say I died inside, there's really nothing else I could say to describe what I felt. So she left the country and never came back. She texted me once she landed like never happened, something like "I just wanted to let you know I landed and everything's ok!", then she cut all contact and I haven't heard from her in six months. The lack of closure and the way she left me slingshot me into an ugly depression, which I'm still fighting with no success. I still think about her all the time, I constantly dream of her, the pain is burning me alive inside. I'm a ghost of who I used to be, I fake every smile, every laugh, I can't enjoy anything anymore. I just wake up, go to work, function, and then go home only to feel the darkness crawl out of its dent and driving me insane. Is it normal after six months to be exactly where I was the night she sent me that text? I still cry, a lot. Pretty weak uh? I agree. I have good friends, I'm lucky, but I stopped talking to them about how I really feel a long time ago, I don't feel it's right to unload my burden on them after six months. I feel numb all the time, lost, depressed, lonely, full of self-loathing, I can't understand how the person I loved more than life could hurt me so much for no real reasons. I guess I'm not built for this. Anyway, thank to anyone who read this. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

The bolded above is what you might want to focus on.

 

You don't understand...but she DID hurt you... for no real reason.

 

Do you really want someone in your life like that? She betrayed you. Please don't let people capable of betrayl into your life. Via your heart, head or otherwise. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. You're not alone here. Post often. Start to heal.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Life isn't about just one person.

 

Life isn't meant to be about just one person.

 

One person can't give you happiness.

 

Nobody can give you happiness.

 

Absolutely nobody, ever.

 

Invest in your relationships with the other people in your life: family, friends, co-workers, etc. These people are important. At this point, they are much more important than her, because they are in your life, and she is not.

 

Stick to NC ruthlessly.

 

You have to really make yourself want to get over her.

 

The only closure you will ever have, is the closure that comes from inside, when you fully realise and accept the fact that this relationship is forever over.

 

This woman who is so predominant in your thoughts, is just an ordinary person, someone unremarkable, and not even particularly nice.

 

She just isn't worth the pain.

 

 

Take care.

Edited by Satu
  • Like 10
Link to post
Share on other sites
This woman who is so predominant in your thoughts, is just an ordinary person, someone unremarkable, and not even particularly nice.

 

She just isn't worth the pain.

Awesome! Well said, Satu, and so true.
  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

First off, thank you guys for taking the time to read my pain, you are nice people.

 

So, a little more information, for what it's worth. We were together for a year and a half, I got to know her family a little bit, I loved those guys actually, and she got to know mine. The way she treated me at the end just seems inhuman to me, as if I was an enemy, someone she needed to hurt, intentionally or not, just before she left. This is the root of all my pain. I would never do that and in my mind nobody would ever do that. I know I'm in make-believe land right now but that's not something I can control. How do other people deal with this? I know this has happened to countless men and will continue to happen until the end of time but then how do they avoid getting burned to the ground like it's happening to me? to be honest I'm exhausted of being like this, it drains all my energy. I guess I just wanna forget and move on... I don't get people.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I know this has happened to countless men and will continue to happen until the end of time but then how do they avoid getting burned to the ground like it's happening to me?
By understanding - really, truly, fully understanding - that another person's treatment of us does not define us.

 

To love yourself, even if she doesn't love you.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

It all seems... unreal. I can't snap myself out of this bubble of sadness and despair. Questions crowd my mind all the time, thoughts, memories of me and her, as if I was looking for the proverbial red flags but I really can't find any, and the questions remain unanswered. She hurt me beyond belief, even though I gave her nothing but love for a year and a half. I'm afraid that deep down I'm growing a fear of this happening again, a mistrust towards people which I never had and I don't wanna have. I'm afraid the fear of something like this happening again is crippling me, along with the walking depression and constant sadness in background. I've been rejected before her, just I've never been hurt like that, we never had a serious argument, we loved each other, at least that's what I thought. Well, thank you guys for the words of wisdom, much appreciated.

Link to post
Share on other sites

We all been there :( The people we love most can be the ones who hurt us most. It's mind bogging.

 

BUT... then we have to realize they were not all this... if they were capable of hurting us so much when we gave them all our trust, they were after all not the right people.

 

Are you trying to force yourself to meet other people? I know it's best to do it when we're healed, but it might take your mind off her a bit and remind you that there are other people out there.

 

As for not getting hurt. It's impossible to find a formula for that. We all get hurt a few times in life. It stings. But if we don't become vulnerable to other people, we won't find love, so it's part of the process. Take it as a learning lesson for your personal growth.

 

I am much older than you and when I look back, I know these moments like the ones you are going through hurt like hell but helped me grow as a person and mature. And find better people after ;)

 

(((hugs))) and hope you feel better soon. She's not all that. There are plenty interesting girls out there. Go find them ;)

 

It all seems... unreal. I can't snap myself out of this bubble of sadness and despair. Questions crowd my mind all the time, thoughts, memories of me and her, as if I was looking for the proverbial red flags but I really can't find any, and the questions remain unanswered. She hurt me beyond belief, even though I gave her nothing but love for a year and a half. I'm afraid that deep down I'm growing a fear of this happening again, a mistrust towards people which I never had and I don't wanna have. I'm afraid the fear of something like this happening again is crippling me, along with the walking depression and constant sadness in background. I've been rejected before her, just I've never been hurt like that, we never had a serious argument, we loved each other, at least that's what I thought. Well, thank you guys for the words of wisdom, much appreciated.
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

10 steps you can take which consistently tend to make people's lives happier and more fulfilling:

 

 

- Do things for others

- Connect with people

- Take care of your body

- Notice the world around you

- Keep learning new things

- Have goals to look forward to

- Find ways to bounce back from difficulties

- Take a positive approach

- Become comfortable with who you are

- Be part of something bigger that gives you purpose and meaning in life

 

 

Take care.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

Being your first serious relationship, I understand the severity of the burn.

 

So often we look to others to make us feel worthy of love and belonging.

When all of your self-love is dependent upon another person, you will lose, every time. The key is to fall in love with yourself before trying to include someone else. Know how wonderful you are and what you have to offer. This way, a partner can enhance your life, but they can't take away your self-respect and self-love. They can't make you think you are not worthy. It will always hurt like hell when a relationship ends, and you will likely have made mistakes, and start questioning yourself. But your core, your true-self will remain intact because you know what you deserve... (better than what you were getting).

 

Good luck.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Are you trying to force yourself to meet other people? I know it's best to do it when we're healed, but it might take your mind off her a bit and remind you that there are other people out there.

 

I am. I've been forcing myself out like crazy since she left me, resulting in one of the most busy summers I've had in years (not like that, I mean just hanging out with people, work, etc regular stuff). As I said I'm lucky I have a pack of great buddies, they're the best. The thing is I feel like I haven't made a single step forward in six months. I sure as hell hope I'm wrong, I hope the healing has already begun and I just can't see it.

 

I guess this is just life slapping me in the face for the first time, I mean a real slap, the ones that leave a mark, isn't it? I'm big on trust, in my naive and probably stupid mind something like what she did could never happen. I've read about it, I've heard about it from friends but still before she did what she did I thought that could never happen to me. 24 years and I still don't know he first thing about people...

Link to post
Share on other sites
First off, thank you guys for taking the time to read my pain, you are nice people.

 

So, a little more information, for what it's worth. We were together for a year and a half, I got to know her family a little bit, I loved those guys actually, and she got to know mine. The way she treated me at the end just seems inhuman to me, as if I was an enemy, someone she needed to hurt, intentionally or not, just before she left. This is the root of all my pain. I would never do that and in my mind nobody would ever do that. I know I'm in make-believe land right now but that's not something I can control. How do other people deal with this? I know this has happened to countless men and will continue to happen until the end of time but then how do they avoid getting burned to the ground like it's happening to me? to be honest I'm exhausted of being like this, it drains all my energy. I guess I just wanna forget and move on... I don't get people.

 

I'm really sorry to hear what happened to you. I can quite understand how you feel about it. I was with someone who went cold on me suddenly. You ex's message was cruel and heartless. I think it does show how you didn't really know her true nature. There might have been signs of her lack of empathy and (dare I say it) rather cruel streak if you think back.

 

It's amazing what some people can do. I tend to think of them as having more than one character - the apparently loving one and the other side which we tend to overlook because it is vaguely uncomfortable at some level.

 

You did not know who your girlfriend really was. I am sorry you were hurt in this way. You did not deserve it. You were (I assume) honourable and treated her kindly. Remind yourself that you were the decent character in all this, that you did nothing wrong but love her. This is something that you should be proud of. Do not let her unkind, stupid behaviour make you think worse of yourself when you had integrity. Be proud that you know how to love and to respect others.

 

I'm afraid this is the kind of situation where you do not get closure. This is because what she did does not make sense. She was just weird. Weird people don't make sense. She was not kind so she won't give you closure (and believe me, you don't need closure from a woman that is unlikely to know herself why she has a cruel streak). See HER as someone with problems, not you. Once you realise that closure is not going to happen and that contact with her would only cause pain anyway, you will stop hanging on for it. She was a bad episode in life. Most women will not behave like her. Learning to trust another woman might not be easy but writing your ex off and allowing yourself to heal from this will eventually lead to you being open to meeting someone new. There is hope.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

My most recent ex sort of did the same thing.

 

Just went cold on me one day, and then ended it by text a couple of days later.

 

It's been a year now and I still don't have an answer as to why she ended it, and I've come to terms with the fact that I probably won't ever know, and to be honest I don't care anymore anyway.

 

This is what you have to do; accept that there are no answers to any of your questions, and make peace with that. Just look at the facts; she is gone, you don't know why, and it's time to move on. Once you accept that, you provide yourself with closure.

 

It's a cold-hearted & cowardly move to pull on someone, and you really don't want people like that in your life.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

My ex did exactly the same thing, guys/gals. It's really awful; makes you crazy wondering what you did wrong. Not having answers is the hardest part.

 

She has mental and emotional issues though. There could also be someone else. Like CT98, I'll never know and need to make peace with the not knowing.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I gotta be honest, hearing that this happens so often kinda makes me wanna puke. I thought this kind of senseless and cruel behavior was just something immature high school girls did, and honestly it never even happened to me personally back then. Some people never grow up I guess..

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I gotta be honest, hearing that this happens so often kinda makes me wanna puke. I thought this kind of senseless and cruel behavior was just something immature high school girls did, and honestly it never even happened to me personally back then. Some people never grow up I guess..

 

Leaving someone out of the blue and giving little explanation is very immature. But it's not something the majority of people do. Keep in mind, most posters on here have had bad experiences, so it just seems like it happens a lot. I'm 33 and it's never happened to me, so allow me to be another data point :)

 

Look at it this way, at least she didn't stay and lie, cheat or manipulate you. That could've went on for a long time and the hurt you're feeling now still would've happened. Be grateful that it is happening now. Embrace it. Be pissed. Be whatever you feel like being. Even if you still feel like crap, you are healing little by little.

 

Keep posting. You will get there.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Is it normal after six months to be exactly where I was the night she sent me that text?

 

Nope, not normal. Especially given that it was 1.5 yrs as compared to, say a 20 year marriage.

 

Meds, therapy.. you need one or both.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Meds, therapy.. you need one or both.

 

F that, SHE needs both to pull off something like that. Man, I'm really sorry you got treated like that. Move on move on move on. Yes, some people in this world are severely messed up in the head. Pity them. Pity them and move on. That person ain't worth 6 months of pain.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
F that, SHE needs both to pull off something like that.

 

To pull off something like what?

 

Her feelings changed after a relatively short relationship and she dumped him.

 

Doesn't make her a lunatic. That's rather normal if you ask me.

 

Most relationships end. One person is usually wanting out and the other tends to ignore the vast warning signs until the gavel comes down and then they're like 'what happened, where did I go wrong, I need closure!" as if there weren't always answers right there in front of their nose.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
To pull off something like what?

 

Her feelings changed after a relatively short relationship and she dumped him.

 

Doesn't make her a lunatic. That's rather normal if you ask me.

 

Most relationships end. One person is usually wanting out and the other tends to ignore the vast warning signs until the gavel comes down and then they're like 'what happened, where did I go wrong, I need closure!" as if there weren't always answers right there in front of their nose.

 

Well for one, saying "I'm not gonna miss you when I'm gone" to someone who you've been in a relationship with is pretty ****ing cold. That's just me, though. Maybe it's nothing to you. Also a year and a half, relatively short? That's long enough for me to get pretty serious about someone.

 

I think I see what you're saying, no need to be all sad if you can spell it out so logically. But here it just seems like she did a 180. From being a romantic partner to a cruel stranger. Not quite the same as needing closure. More like, "wtf happened to you?"

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Well for one, saying "I'm not gonna miss you when I'm gone" to someone who you've been in a relationship with is pretty ****ing cold.

 

Her feelings obviously changed some time ago. So for her, it wasn't difficult to say such a thing. It might be cold, but it was honest, and it doesn't mean she needs meds or therapy.

 

Also a year and a half, relatively short? That's long enough for me to get pretty serious about someone.

 

They were together 1.5 years, but her feelings didn't go away overnight. Emotionally she probably broke it off somewhere around the 1 year mark. The subsequent months were just meaningless filler while she figured out her next move. Meanwhile, she played the role of the loving girlfriend, while her head was all over the place. Some days she probably did feel for him, other days she couldn't get away fast enough. That's usually how it works. How often do you hear, or read about someone who was dumped, who says "just last week we were talking about marriage and kids, and now THIS!".

 

That's just how people are. It's not so black and white.

Edited by Tobin
Link to post
Share on other sites
Her feelings obviously changed some time ago. So for her, it wasn't difficult to say such a thing. It might be cold, but it was honest, and it doesn't mean she needs meds or therapy.

 

 

 

They were together 1.5 years, but her feelings didn't go away overnight. Emotionally she probably broke it off somewhere around the 1 year mark. The subsequent months were just meaningless filler while she figured out her next move. Meanwhile, she played the role of the loving girlfriend, while her head was all over the place. Some days she probably did feel for him, other days she couldn't get away fast enough. That's usually how it works. How often do you hear, or read about someone who was dumped, who says "just last week we were talking about marriage and kids, and now THIS!".

 

That's just how people are. It's not so black and white.

 

Even when you put it out like that, it sounds just as ****ty to me. Maybe that's how some people are, but I wouldn't use such a blanket term for everyone. Talk about things not being black and white.

 

Who are you trying to convince here? I gave my opinion, but this is not my relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, I think it's normal after 6 months to still be feeling this. Other people may disagree though but I typically sulk for that long or more. It does get better though and eventually it gets less and less.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi everyone, new guy here, I'm 24. I don't know if I need help, advice, tips or all of those, I'm really lost, you be the judge.

 

Six month ago my ex girlfriend left me almost out of the blue. The last month she was cold and distant but she had her last exams and whatnot, I didn't read much into it. She took a job in another country and one night in March, about a week before her flight, she texted me "I'm not gonna miss you when I'm gone", and that was it. We met one last time before she left because I begged her. I still dream of that night, the worst night of my life. She was calm, as if nothing happened, she said she couldn't make it work because of the distance, that she didn't wanna hurt me. I didn't say much, I was in shock. I drove home in tears that night.

 

She was my first serious relationship, as in L bombs were dropped from both parts for the first time in our life, we used to playfully talk about future together, kids, etc. Needless to say I died inside, there's really nothing else I could say to describe what I felt. So she left the country and never came back. She texted me once she landed like never happened, something like "I just wanted to let you know I landed and everything's ok!", then she cut all contact and I haven't heard from her in six months. The lack of closure and the way she left me slingshot me into an ugly depression, which I'm still fighting with no success. I still think about her all the time, I constantly dream of her, the pain is burning me alive inside. I'm a ghost of who I used to be, I fake every smile, every laugh, I can't enjoy anything anymore. I just wake up, go to work, function, and then go home only to feel the darkness crawl out of its dent and driving me insane. Is it normal after six months to be exactly where I was the night she sent me that text? I still cry, a lot. Pretty weak uh? I agree. I have good friends, I'm lucky, but I stopped talking to them about how I really feel a long time ago, I don't feel it's right to unload my burden on them after six months. I feel numb all the time, lost, depressed, lonely, full of self-loathing, I can't understand how the person I loved more than life could hurt me so much for no real reasons. I guess I'm not built for this. Anyway, thank to anyone who read this. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

It is normal to still feel like that. I'm sorry that you are hurting, but she treated you in a very hurtful way. It happened to me recently and I understand.

Her way of breaking up with you shows a very immature person, that just runs away, and doesn’t communicate what she feels. From the person you knew and loved, she turned over night into the meanest person possible.

 

It also stings when you try to talk to friends, they look at you with in a way “how can you not still be over her yet?”. But that shouldn’t make you feel like there’s something wrong with you.

I’ve seen people play it cool and when something happens to them, they do things I would never even imagine to do.

 

The only thing you have left is NC, and to focus on yourself. They say that with time it gets better. I wish time could fly, so that we could wake up one day and just be out of this bad place.

But unfortunately, we have to go through the whole process. I understand we learn things from this process, but sometimes with specific people that meant something, you just learn to live with the loss and you will always have a hole in your heart.

 

I hope it gets better for you from now on..

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Again, thank you all for posting, that's very kind.

 

I don't know, maybe I did ignore the red flags, or maybe I was just too stupid to see them, truth is around the 1 year mark, which would be October 2014, I was having the time of my life with her, it was around that time that we said we loved each other, and even though at this point I can't tell if she actually meant it I did mean it. But then again, I'm obviously terrible at figure out people so maybe she was just playing me all along... I don't know.

 

Thanks for the support.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...