Unrequited: How To Forget Her?

[Knight23]

Hey all, I'm new to this site, and this will be my first post here. Thanks in advance for any advice given, and for taking the time to read through my story.

 

 

Now, I'm a young guy, just a few months into 22 and just started my career as a Truck Driver. Obviously, a committed relationship isn't exactly high on my list right now. I've been part of the single life for a while, which would be perfectly fine if it weren't for my little...dilemma.

 

 

Despite my past attempts at dating and just trying to squeeze myself into the night life whenever I get the chance, I haven't been able to forget about a certain girl...I met her during my senior year of high school, and it hasn't really been the same for me since then.

 

 

We became fast friends due to our mutual love for video games, and the more I got to know her, the more I started feeling weird around her. Casual conversations with her suddenly became nerve-wracking, I'd sweat for no reason. I kind of figured it was just a simple crush. I had them before, this wouldn't been any different and I'd get over her within a few weeks.

 

 

Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way. The more I got to know her, the more time I spent with her, the more I realized I didn't want to be without her. She understood me, I didn't have to say a word for her to get it. I felt happy for no reason, even when we weren't talking and we'd just sit there reading a book...it was comfortable. She was there and that was all that mattered to me. First love.

 

 

For the years I've known her, however...she was never single. Throughout the rest of my high school career, she always seemed to have a boyfriend. Every time I'd get the balls to say something to her, another guy would already be in the picture, and I'd have to shove my foot in my mouth all over again.

 

 

Fast forward about 2 years later: she meets a man online, and falls head over heels in love with him. By this time, her parents were already planning on moving to Kentucky. This guy lived in Michigan....not too far off. Sure enough, once they moved, she took the first opportunity she could to head to Michigan and move in with him. I'm stuck in California.

 

 

The distance really should have helped to get over her, but it's not working out that way. It's been about 3 years now since that day, and I still think about her. The feelings haven't faded at all, and it really doesn't help that she still calls me quite often to talk about her current problems (or just life in general). Sometimes she's crying, and at those points, I just don't know what to do.

 

 

I love this girl, there isn't shred of doubt in my heart about it. BUT, I do know that feeling this way for a girl I know I have no chance at romance with isn't healthy: 5 years of one-sided love and affection has taken its toll on me. I honestly just want to focus on my new career....

 

 

At the same time however, I want to help her. Whatever the hell that guy does to make her cry....I can't stand it. If there's one thing she refuses to share, it's any details about this. She just won't tell me....and then she calls back all happy and says that they made up, that it's fine, and changes the subject. It worries me.

 

 

I don't know.....I'm just all over the place with this: first love, new career, her crying, my mind is in so many places all at once, I'm just so confused.

 

 

Sorry about this everyone...but please help me.

[La.Primavera]

Maybe it is time to tell her how you feel about her. It might be a huge relief to finally express yourself. If she doesn't have romantic feelings for you then it sounds like it would be healthier for you to cut her out of your life for good.

 

I know it won't be easy but you can't let this torment you forever.

[Knight23]

Maybe it is time to tell her how you feel about her. It might be a huge relief to finally express yourself. If she doesn't have romantic feelings for you then it sounds like it would be healthier for you to cut her out of your life for good.

 

I know it won't be easy but you can't let this torment you forever.

Yeah, cutting her out would probably be for the best. I feel selfish though, like I still want her in my life, even if I can't see her. Just as a friend....

 

That's not the right mindset is it? I know, I'm torturing myself. It's just...I've always been her ears, the one she always talked to. It's still that way.

 

It makes no sense. I think...I'm just rationalizing my actions at this point.

[Qboro90]

Crappy friend zone situation you got man. Couple questions tho.... What does she do to be a good friend to you recently or over the last 6mnths? Are you just getting calls when she's in a fight or upset with her BF or life and being her on call therapist where she can vent? If so then that's unfair and she's using you.

 

Hypothetical.....If you called her up on a Friday/Saturday night and said it was an emergency, something happened end you need help or you really need to talk to someone... Would she pick up or make the time to contact you? Or is that boyfriend night and shed ignore it or pretend she never saw it then call you after her BF leaves? Does her BF know about your friendship?

 

Has it ever been an issue or something her ex boyfriends would fight or bitch at her about having a guy friend and spending time/ playing video games with him? If it's never come up then it's safe to say you're not a threat to them because she's never even come close to Doing or saying anything that would make them feel like you were a problem and trying to hook up with their girl. Or it's because she's been so convincing that she has 0 feelings like that for you when her boyfriends ask, that they can tell she'd never get with you so they don't worry about it. If that's the case then I'm sorry bud, but telling her how you feel isn't going to change anything.

 

Also I think you've made yourself way to available and reachable to her in your time since meeting. Girls don't like guys that they can have at the snap of their finger, they don't like guys who they know aren't doing anything on a random night and they can call whenever they want, and more than anything... They do Not like, or better yet, won't even have the natural reaction to like a guy if he lets them discuss "my boyfriend is being an ******* ughhh, or the fights they get in/problems in their relationship". Guys who do that relegate themselves to not be taken seriously in an attraction or crush/likable type way. She needs to respect her boyfriend and know or at least feel that he's a challenge and has the ability to get other options as far as girls to hook up with or date.

 

You've never been that to her or shown her that from what you wrote in your OP. Have you ever had a gf since you've known her? Have you ever talked to her about another girl or having a crush on/liking/talking to another girl? Has she ever heard about a date you went on or be aware that you were active sexually? If none of those things then you're just a Dickless guy who she can be gal pals with. If she's never seen or heard you discuss women or intimacy with others then you've never shown her that side of you exists and other girls can see and are attracted to it.

 

Start showing and telling her things like that so she finally has to think about someone else having you and being with you.

 

Due to the fact that she's in another state and living with a BF I'm gonna say that there's no chance you and her will ever happen. Best thing is to do the slow fade and just miss a few calls, get back to her a day or two later, and even fake it and lie saying yo were busy or on a date or out with friends until you start to think less and less about her.

[La.Primavera]

Will it ever really be just friends for you though?

 

I understand it can be very hard to let go of someone when you really care about them but if it is holding you back from your own happiness in the long run then isn't worth it.

 

Only you can make the decision. I just hope you do what is best for you.

[Knight23]

Crappy friend zone situation you got man. Couple questions tho.... What does she do to be a good friend to you recently or over the last 6mnths? Are you just getting calls when she's in a fight or upset with her BF or life and being her on call therapist where she can vent? If so then that's unfair and she's using you.

 

Hypothetical.....If you called her up on a Friday/Saturday night and said it was an emergency, something happened end you need help or you really need to talk to someone... Would she pick up or make the time to contact you? Or is that boyfriend night and shed ignore it or pretend she never saw it then call you after her BF leaves? Does her BF know about your friendship?

 

Has it ever been an issue or something her ex boyfriends would fight or bitch at her about having a guy friend and spending time/ playing video games with him? If it's never come up then it's safe to say you're not a threat to them because she's never even come close to Doing or saying anything that would make them feel like you were a problem and trying to hook up with their girl. Or it's because she's been so convincing that she has 0 feelings like that for you when her boyfriends ask, that they can tell she'd never get with you so they don't worry about it. If that's the case then I'm sorry bud, but telling her how you feel isn't going to change anything.

 

Also I think you've made yourself way to available and reachable to her in your time since meeting. Girls don't like guys that they can have at the snap of their finger, they don't like guys who they know aren't doing anything on a random night and they can call whenever they want, and more than anything... They do Not like, or better yet, won't even have the natural reaction to like a guy if he lets them discuss "my boyfriend is being an ******* ughhh, or the fights they get in/problems in their relationship". Guys who do that relegate themselves to not be taken seriously in an attraction or crush/likable type way. She needs to respect her boyfriend and know or at least feel that he's a challenge and has the ability to get other options as far as girls to hook up with or date.

 

You've never been that to her or shown her that from what you wrote in your OP. Have you ever had a gf since you've known her? Have you ever talked to her about another girl or having a crush on/liking/talking to another girl? Has she ever heard about a date you went on or be aware that you were active sexually? If none of those things then you're just a Dickless guy who she can be gal pals with. If she's never seen or heard you discuss women or intimacy with others then you've never shown her that side of you exists and other girls can see and are attracted to it.

 

Start showing and telling her things like that so she finally has to think about someone else having you and being with you.

 

Due to the fact that she's in another state and living with a BF I'm gonna say that there's no chance you and her will ever happen. Best thing is to do the slow fade and just miss a few calls, get back to her a day or two later, and even fake it and lie saying yo were busy or on a date or out with friends until you start to think less and less about her.

Yeah, I date. Or at least I did before I started this whole truck driving thing. I think I mentioned it on my post. If you're talking about more serious relationships though, otherwise most of my run ins with girls have been flings. I'm on the road more often than not. Kinda hard to maintain anything serious.

 

Yeah, I've mentioned a few of my relationships to her when we're talking. I talk about sexual intimacy, just not really in the same way I talk about it to my guy friends.

 

When she still lived here in Cali, I could call her up at anytime to talk. I don't ever actually recall a time when she just ignored me. She invited me to parties, or to just hang out with her. All in all, she was a great friend. Looking back on it now, one of my few real ones.

 

When she moved though...I can still call her and she'll always answer, but she tells me that she has to go outside to talk to me since her boyfriend will hear her. It's the same vice-versa too. She's never at home when she calls. It's always somewhere else. Don't really know what to make of that.

 

As for the missed calls, I've tried that several times over the past year or so. She calls multiple times a day anyway....I end up answering at the end. It got a bit awkward when she noticed and called me out on avoiding her. I just told her about my new job. She continues to constantly call me....

Edited September 3, 2015 by Knight23

[Felicite]

It’s a pity you didn’t express your feelings any sooner to her (even If she was with a boyfriend), because you seem to really care for her genuinely

and that dosen’t happen to us often in our lives I guess.

 

I also believe that you should express how you feel about her, and whatever the outcome it will help you move on. You will at least have tried.

 

I wish you the best

[Knight23]

It’s a pity you didn’t express your feelings any sooner to her (even If she was with a boyfriend), because you seem to really care for her genuinely

and that dosen’t happen to us often in our lives I guess.

 

I also believe that you should express how you feel about her, and whatever the outcome it will help you move on. You will at least have tried.

 

I wish you the best

First love is a difficult thing. I don't think she'll ever really fade away from me. I like telling myself that as long as she's happy then nothing else matters, but that's really just lying to myself.

 

I'm serious about not wanting her to get hurt. What's worn me down the most over the years is her crying over the damn phone.

 

Don't know what good telling her about how I feel now will do. Even if she loved me by just a fraction, it won't change anything.

 

She's always been stubborn. Even if things aren't looking too good, she'll stick around to try and fix it. All I can really do at this stage is wish her the best.

 

Thanks for your advice miss, I appreciate it.

[Yummm]

5 years is way too long. You're young like me and i'm almost 4 months into a breakup of my first love, and it was torture. You can't let someone you 'love' dominate your head for 5 years, especially considering you haven't even told her how you felt?? It must be excruciating.

 

Mate, you need to tell her sincerely how you feel. You've been 'best friends' for how long now? She will understand when you open up... If she doesn't reciprocate (which is most likely and you need to prepare yourself for it), tell her that you need to give yourself some time to emotionally detach and then cut contact and let yourself heal.

 

This will also give her time to MISS you. IF she's having a bad RS, she will start missing you and you'll see where you stand, but now you must focus about YOU, NOT her. Your career and mindset is important. She's in another state and has her own life, it's not up to you to make her feel better.

 

I know it's harsh, but it's the reality of the situation. Give yourself time to detach, multiple calls a day doesn't help, and that is living proof by your own actions.

 

Stay strong buddy, do the right thing and open up, then once you get your answer, start to detach (if it goes south).

 

Hugs x

[15Love]

Yup, another vote for tell her.

 

Your job's not conducive to a relationship, and you're not in the same state...so it probably couldn't work right now, but at least you can see how she'd react and put it to rest in your mind. Sometimes the unknown eats us up.

 

Who knows, maybe she'll realize the guy she's with makes her cry too much and move on to someone who at least makes her happy.

 

Tell her, "You realize you could do better. I'd never treat you that way."

 

You could do her that favor.

[Smitten and Bitten]

Hi Knight23. I've been there, but I didn't have the balls to act, and I regret it. From what you've said so far I see two (very broad) scenarios:

 

1) She knows she always has you to cry to, and there's not much attraction on her end.

 

2) She is reaching out to you. Are you SURE you have no chance?

 

If it's #1, it's completely unfair for you to keep your life in a holding pattern just in case she needs a shoulder to cry on. That's what boyfriends are for.

 

If it's #2, jump in with both feet and all your heart; Find out once and for all if she wants you to be her boyfriend.

 

Either way you owe yourself and her an answer. Yeah I know it's terrifying.

 

Could you try this? Tell her you're going to be up her way and you'd love to see her. Then plan your next step by her reaction. If it's anything less than, "It would be good to see you." then I would think about letting her go and moving on.

[Knight23]

Hi Knight23. I've been there, but I didn't have the balls to act, and I regret it. From what you've said so far I see two (very broad) scenarios:

 

1) She knows she always has you to cry to, and there's not much attraction on her end.

 

2) She is reaching out to you. Are you SURE you have no chance?

 

If it's #1, it's completely unfair for you to keep your life in a holding pattern just in case she needs a shoulder to cry on. That's what boyfriends are for.

 

If it's #2, jump in with both feet and all your heart; Find out once and for all if she wants you to be her boyfriend.

 

Either way you owe yourself and her an answer. Yeah I know it's terrifying.

 

Could you try this? Tell her you're going to be up her way and you'd love to see her. Then plan your next step by her reaction. If it's anything less than, "It would be good to see you." then I would think about letting her go and moving on.

 

 

 

We've actually talked about me coming to visit before. And yeah, she was excited. Said she couldn't wait to show me around and whatnot. Me visiting isn't set in stone, but it's a topic that's been brought up several times.

 

 

Honestly, I think she just misses me since we haven't seen each other in person for a while already. I don't know if there's any romantic attraction on her end there. She's thrown mixed messages my way before, but I was probably just misinterpreting.

 

 

I'm being a bit negative here on purpose. She has a long-term boyfriend, she lives in a different state, I'm a truck driver. Even if she did see me in a romantic light, even just a little, nothing would come of it. The odds are against me, I know that.

 

 

I think what would be best is for me is to tell her how I feel, as many people have already said on here (including yourself), I just hate the idea of losing her as a friend if she takes it the wrong way (such as me trying to steal her away).

Edited September 4, 2015 by Knight23

[Smitten and Bitten]

We've actually talked about me coming to visit before. And yeah, she was excited. Said she couldn't wait to show me around and whatnot. Me visiting isn't set in stone, but it's a topic that's been brought up several times.

 

 

Honestly, I think she just misses me since we haven't seen each other in person for a while already. I don't know if there's any romantic attraction on her end there. She's thrown mixed messages my way before, but I was probably just misinterpreting.

 

 

I'm being a bit negative here on purpose. She has a long-term boyfriend, she lives in a different state, I'm a truck driver. Even if she did see me in a romantic light, even just a little, nothing would come of it. The odds are against me, I know that.

 

 

I think what would be best is for me is to tell her how I feel, as many people have already said on here (including yourself), I just hate the idea of losing her as a friend if she takes it the wrong way (such as me trying to steal her away).

 

The important word here being "boyfriend". It would be a different story if she were married, but she's not--be happy you have this chance! Maybe you were misinterpreting her and maybe you weren't. Maybe she will "take it the wrong way", maybe you will lose her friendship. But is this friendship worth the toll its taken, and will continue to take, if you do nothing?

[Knight23]

The important word here being "boyfriend". It would be a different story if she were married, but she's not--be happy you have this chance! Maybe you were misinterpreting her and maybe you weren't. Maybe she will "take it the wrong way", maybe you will lose her friendship. But is this friendship worth the toll its taken, and will continue to take, if you do nothing?

My balls shrunk back a bit while I read this and weighed my options, but I really can't avoid this much longer. If I don't do anything, this will be at the back of my mind and heart for the rest of my life. Might as well face the music.