Chronograph Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 I'm confused. My breakup is 4 months ago, NC for 2 months now. I don't know if 4 months is long or not. I have lost my ability to judge time. I recently tried to start dating again, went on one tinder date. It wasn't a success. I would have been open to get to know the guy a bit better although he wasn't completely my type and I'm not looking for something serious anyway atm. Just seeing what comes along, maybe flirting a little. Anyway, it became clear quite quickly that he wasn't interested further although he didn't say why. He didn't mean anything to me and I didn't really fancy him either but still it was a kind of a rejection. And it didn't feel good. Afterwards, I cried a lot more about the breakup than I used to the last weeks. So does this mean I'm not ready yet? Part of me is curious and wants to get out there, meet guys. But on the other hand I don't want to meet many more men, who then vanish without an explanation. Problem is, that sort of thing seems to be happening a lot and it can happen at all stages in the process of getting to know somebody. I mean someone can leave you after years of living together. So ... I don't know, I'm not sure what to do. If I'd say "**** dating" for now, delete all apps and give myself another month or two I get this inner voice screaming: Then it will be half a year after the breakup and you won't have found somebody new! This is not acceptable! (I've got crazy inner voices, I tell you) Also, how will I get rid of my fear of dating, if I don't date? How will I know I'm finally ready for this dating game (which always includes the possibility of rejection) if I don't do it? But I'm kind of already fed up with it. I tried mainly tinder and okcupid so far and just seeing all these profiles with all this exhausting self-display makes me sick. I don't like this game. Maybe it's only online dating. But then again I honestly don't think that I will meet many guys in another way. I'm in the beginning of my thirties and I'm not going to clubs a lot or something. I wouldn't know where to meet potential men. All my friends are in relationships, my colleagues as well, and they are all older, have kids. So, how do you go about this? How do you know you're ready for something new? Where does the self-confidence come from to say: I'll just take my time (to heal and for myself) even if it will take a year, or more? Is it just me that is torn between a curiosity what's out there, impatience with myself and feeling stressed and under pressure when looking at OLD sites? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Why does your inner voice seem to devalue you unless you are part of a couple? That is your main problem. The passage of time is meaningless compared to the search for a quality partner. Sometimes you get lucky & that happens quickly but usually not. Link to post Share on other sites
BriNyc82 Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 My breakup was 3 months ago and I know what you mean how it makes you more upset about your breakup. I've recently gotten back out there and for every terrible date I just get more upset bc i know how easy it could be. I don't think you need to stress yourself out with dating:months ratio. I've had some dates that were a bust and I never heard from them again but I also didn't want to hear from them so I didn't care. Maybe I'll feel differently if it was true rejection. Like you said you are going in with an open mind and seeing what happens so you need to anticipate that not every date will be a home run. Maybe take a breather for a bit. And forget tinder. It truly is a hookup app and nothing more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chronograph Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 Very true! I think my inner voice more like devalues me if I don't have at least some fling, or sex going. I know, it's horrible! I'd rather not have that problem. But the feeling is very real. The idea I could go without a flirt, an affair, or sex for one year makes me break out in a cold sweat. I guess I'm scared I could be some boring, uptight wallflower. Link to post Share on other sites
BriNyc82 Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Very true! I think my inner voice more like devalues me if I don't have at least some fling, or sex going. I know, it's horrible! I'd rather not have that problem. But the feeling is very real. The idea I could go without a flirt, an affair, or sex for one year makes me break out in a cold sweat. I guess I'm scared I could be some boring, uptight wallflower. Totally get the fear of being alone but like the OP said you don't need validation from anyone else. Sure the ego boost is nice.....But youu can't rely on other people to constantly feed that for you. Maybe you should try being alone and happy for a bit =) Link to post Share on other sites
adiamond Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 OKC, coffee meets bagel are better than tinder. I tried tinder and it was literally a hook up app. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chronograph Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Yeah, I know. You are right. Tinder is a hookup app and I should probably try and be alone for a bit longer. I'm not fully healed (although I'm not sure how you can fully heal by staying on your own, or how you would know that you are fully healed. More than one friend recently said to me that you only truly get over someone when you find a new partner. Is that true? I don't know). I have the feeling everybody else either quickly finds a new partner after a breakup, or if they stay single they at least try and meet new people and / or have a sex life. So I feel kind of like I have to do this, too. "Cause that's what people do". I'd feel kind of "abnormal" to go celibate. (And it's not that I'm not curious what's out there, I already am curious. But it still seems a bit much for me.) Sigh. Link to post Share on other sites
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