Kristine Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Yes it's been 10 years, this 3rd time I married for love, not need or fear of being alone. But love sucks. I mean this man has put me through so much I'm not even sure what to do. All I wanted was to love my 2nd husband, a nice guy. Life wasn't easy, but not being in love made it seem harder, however we had family support both sides. Not the case anymore. Now my life has hit rock bottom and I've prayed for Gods help, intervention, and death. I am legally homeless. My credit is severely damaged, severely. My husband has a record for embezzlement, got evicted from his last place, and really all logic says head for the hills, run fast and furiously. But loving someone seems to go against logic. I can find refuge at my moms house. Just me, only if I leave. But we don't really get along that well. Basically his plans never pan out. They just don't. I can't figure out why I fell for this guy. It's not sex, I had two biopsies because of excessive bleeding for 3 months, 1 to 2 months healing., married for 6 months. It's not his appearance, maybe he smoozed me. He's just nothing like my norm. I really miss my old life. I miss it so much. As I reflect on my choices that lead me here I mostly regret leaving the challenges I was facing with #2. I should have tried harder with him, but I was younger and just not patient, not in love. Well love is joke. Marry people with similar backgrounds, which #2 was, it's just a mess otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 (edited) Sorry you are in such difficult straits. The fact that you are suffering so much should clearly tell you that you need to get away from this guy. Being with him means pain, pain and more pain, and it is unlikely to change. If you don't mind me asking what happened to the first husband? Why did you marry the second one if you didn't love him? Is there any pattern in what attracted you into the relationships and drove you out? It does rather sound as though you are always moving on? Is that because you get bored easily? I agree that compatibility is probably the most important factor in a marriage. Love (or rather passion) is exciting but unless there is compatibility, the relationship is likely to be rocky. It's a bit like having a wonderfully decorated cake, you can only have a little before you start to feel you need proper food instead. It sounds like you need an escape plan of some kind. I wonder if a women's refuge could help as although you do not appear to have been subject to physical abuse, your husband's behaviours have dragged you into dire straits. I think if you were to stay with your Mum, you would need to have a job nearby already so that you could find somewhere to live and escape if things got difficult. You mentioned that only you could stay at your Mum's - who else did you have in mind? Edited August 30, 2015 by spiderowl Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kristine Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 First husband was black, cheated during my pregnancy when I confronted him a year later he got angry and backhanded me. Then I left. My 2nd husband white, like me, family loved him, similar backgrounds, family couldn't believe he was interested told me give him a chance. They wanted me married, figured no white man would have me with me having a black son. That's how it happened. Link to post Share on other sites
15Love Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 You need to spend time on your own. Get your head clear. Husbands can bring you down if you're not whole. Best of luck Girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kristine Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 I was single for 8 years. That's not it. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 (edited) TBH, sounds like all 3 husbands were inappropriate. Even your 2nd husband, because you settled for a man you didn't love. Any decent man who loves you will accept your son along with you. This is 2015. I think what you're seeing is that husbands 1 and 3 are the pits, due to the abuse and crime, and #2 not being an abusive criminal looks like a prince in comparison. I recommend individual therapy to work on: * relationship skills (patience etc.) * fixing your manpicker Your life is in your hands (along with your son's). Start working on a plan...start small if you have to. Maybe a plan to re-establish financial security, as that will give you more options and flexibility to make good choices. Are you employed? Also, unless getting back with H #2 is a serious option, I would waste little time in handwringing over that. You did what you thought best at that time. Now, you're older and wiser. Make better decisions going forward, don't live with regrets for the past. Edited August 30, 2015 by SoleMate more thoughts 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 I was single for 8 years. That's not it. Just being single in and of itself is "not it". It is developing yourself and getting yourself to a place where you are self-sustaining and independent and able to take care of yourself without having to rely on some guy is "it." What the problem here is is that your 'man-picker' is defective and you suck at picking men that are good for you. The fix for that is develop yourself where you are a fully functioning, self sustaining person on your own that you are comfortable with and OK with. When you reach that state a couple different things happen. One is that you won't feel this need to have a man around to "complete" you or to take care of you or to support you. In other words you won't be "desperate." At that point a good man becomes an additional asset and augmentation to your life as opposed to something you 'need.' And secondly, when you get to that point, good, decent men will become interested in you and you will be able to attract that level of quality. When you are trainwreck and desperate, decent men can smell that a mile away and won't touch you with a ten foot pole. When you are needy and desperate, the predators, the sharks and the players come out of the woodwork and line up outside your door. The words of wisdom that helped me were that you have to be in the league that you want your partner to be. If you want your partner to be someone attractive and fit and sexy and successful and squared away and a decent person who treats people well. You have to be fit and attractive and sexy and successful and squared away who treats people well. you can't be a 4 and land an 8. (Please understand I am not saying you are a 4 or implying that you are unattractive or undesirable. I am just making a conceptual point. You have to be what you want to attract.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kristine Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 Yes I heard that as well. Reason I spent that time single, honestly. That son would be 20 now, and he is deceased. Link to post Share on other sites
15Love Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Where you happy when you were alone? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kristine Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Yes I was very happy for a while. What happened is I started to miss sex, a lot. I felt like I couldn't get where I wanted to go by myself, as far as housing, my income alone wasn't enough. Really started to see that having someone to share life with could be beneficial. But all the guys I dated, well lacked in the sex area in a major way. My age group the good ones are married,for the most part. Link to post Share on other sites
lostsoul1985 Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 You don't know how refreshing it is you hear this. Thanks for your honesty. I sort of heard this similarly from an ex my only serious relationship recently after not being in contact- declined to meet on that basis. Link to post Share on other sites
irishguy Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 How long did you date your current husband before you married him . Link to post Share on other sites
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