What are some inspiring things people have done in the wake of a crushing breakup?

[Friggia]

Hi everybody,

 

Not doing too well lately. Feeling dejected, disappointed, guilty, wary of the future and slightly disillusioned with life after a long drawn out and deeply confusing breakup with the best friend I have ever had.

 

I am looking for stories from people who completely transformed themselves after something like this, and now their lives are better than they ever thought possible before. Maybe you did something crazy (like built a boat from scratch and sailed it around the world, or completely changed your identity --for instance, I feel like my past identity was so wrapped up in him that I just wish I had a new one)......

 

I guess I'm specifically looking for crazy stories, but anything inspirational will do.

[mossycup]

I'm experiencing a strange and complex phenomena of identity change. I feel like when my fiance broke off our engagement, it was unexpected and hurtful (as we had both felt perfect for each other and perfectly happy, or so I felt and so he said). I felt like the pain was so immense and the confusion so great that I was not capable of being the person I had been. I had already been having trust issues around abandonment and he felt like the one person I could rely on, the one person who really loved me for me in a world where I felt most people did not want to get too close. The one person who really wanted to be with me and accepted me totally and even celebrated me. When he told me, in the BU, he "never was actually sure, was just rescuing me, and I could have been anyone", it came as such a shock to my system.

 

I noticed that in response I developed this inability to rely on or trust anyone, which is sad, but a side effect of that was that 36 years (my whole life) of anxiety shifted. In my new "I can't trust anyone feeling", I basically mostly just didn't feel as anxious (and previously I have always had a lot of anxiety). I felt (and still feel, it's been about 4 months) like a different person in some ways. There are of course many components of myself that are still there, but where I used to be very introverted, now I am more extroverted. I feel more socially confident because I don't trust anyone anyways so I just am friendly to all without expectations. I have more energy because I spend no time trying to feel close to people and wondering about our relationships, and just hang out with whoever is there. I do have one friend I trust more than others, and she has been so there for me, so I do have a place to share my deeper feelings. My ambient anxiety un-related to socializing isn't there as much either, and I'm not sure why - maybe it was more related to relationships than I thought.

 

I have been agoraphobic for years and was slowly recovering but I made great strides after the BU because I would go out, get scared and then normally I would want to go home, but I would think, to what? I have nothing now in the way of happiness inside myself, so I might as well stay here and enjoy the kindness of whomever I am with, or just the nice view or whatever. Whereas going out used to seem tiring, now it feels like a healing break from my own inner world.

 

I did used to be more like this in some ways when I was younger, but overall, I've never felt this way before. I feel like a more shallow person, like some deep and personal part of me was destroyed by him, but you know what, being a shallow person is actually kind of easier and more enjoyable! I remember a story once about a woman who was a brilliant but unhappy person who was an academic, who got a brain injury, and then became a contented hairdresser without interest in intellectual pursuits. What is better? I have wondered that for a long time.

 

To be honest, I can't miss my old version of myself because to miss that is to miss the man I thought was truly my soulmate. I don't feel like I have a choice about wanting to go back or not. But there are aspects to this new identity that make life a lot easier for me. I have way more friends, I do way more stuff, I feel more confident. I don't know if I will ever feel truly close to another human being again, and that keeps me up at night, so I'm not saying it's perfect - plus the constant thoughts about my ex. But when I get too upset, the new identity will kick in and keep me on the surface.

 

It might be shock, still, I don't know - certainly I do feel traumatized by the break up. However there are lots of positive aspects to it and I hope eventually to come back to a place where I do feel able to love and trust again, but that I keep the positive parts too. I guess we'll see!

 

Incidentally my OCD anxiety is worse - and I notice that kind of anxiety comes out for me when I feel strong and in control, but underllyingly experiencing a situation I feel out of control about. So I kind of am hoping that just fades as I care less and less about my ex, and so don't feel that part of my life is out of control anymore. And I should be clear I experience periods of immense agony and suffering nearly every day missing him - but then these times where I don't care about anything and feel non-anxious. So there is lots of pain, but less fear, it seems.

 

But overall, it's been a reallly powerful experience of self-confidence in response to emotional devastation!

Edited August 27, 2015 by mossycup

[Jatli]

My break up was 1 year 4 months ago and since then I have lost 50lbs, am in the best shape of my life and have gotten my dream job. Life looks good on the outside. Not dating yet but maybe someday, no time right now.

 

All my friends tell me I look amazing and can't believe how young I look

[Cupid's Puppet]

It takes a little while longer for us women to get to that point especially after a long term relationship. However long you were together, take that time and split it in half. That is when your total transformation will be complete. I was with my ex for 8 years almost so it may take 4 years for me. Sorry I don't have an inspirational story, but I guess I just wanted to say that these things take time. In the interim I just date a bunch of goofballs and hang out with strangers all the time. I'm looking for a new job too. So hopefully that brings me a fresh start.

[JollyDays]

I forged ahead with my education and two years later graduated with my bachelors degree at the ripe "old" age of 30 in 2007...lol. But in my quiet moments, I thought a lot about her. Oh well.

[Friggia]

I was with my ex for 8 years almost so it may take 4 years for me.

 

8.5 years for me....

 

I myself am just taking on projects, including a big one where I renovate a van with some serious body work issues - and I have no experience, just learning as a go along. I'm noticing that the days where I am working on this vehicle, and focusing 100% fully on physical things that I can change or improve upon with an immediate result before my eyes, are days where I truly feel awesome and alive despite the hardships I have endured this year. I don't cry, I don't ruminate, and I don't beat myself up - I just focus and get through it. And when I'm all dirty and spent at the end of the day, I get this great feeling of accomplishment. I NEVER would have taken this on if I were still with my ex. I basically relied on him to do everything technical for me. Sometimes I miss having a man doing technical things for me, but it's still way better in my opinion to try and do such things for oneself.