Thoughts of step-daughter

[kenmore]

Not coping so well today.

 

As I was out walking today, my thoughts went automatically (like they always do) to my ex family. Today, they went to my step-daughter and how it was when I first started dating my exW. Back then she was ten. It's totally different than it was when I left. Now she's a teenager, drives, has her own social set. Back then, it was just her and her mom. Looking back, it really struck me how she must have felt having some guy come along and basically take her mom's attention away from her.

 

Keep in mind too, she was not terribly social back then, She was kind-of awkward and showed no sign of turning into the beautiful girl she is now. She and her mom did everything and when I think about how suddenly her mom and I started to do everything (she was included in a lot but obviously it was different), it must have been very painful for her.

 

All that said, she accepted me into her life so fast! I remember being over there one evening watching TV while her mom was doing something in the kitchen, her coming over to me on the couch, sat down right next to me, put her head on my chest and watched TV with me. I was almost shocked but it was so amazingly sweet! It made me so happy!

 

It really hurt today when I thought about her, how much I miss her and what a sweet girl she is! I texted her this morning and told her how I felt it must have been for her and said I was sorry if I ever came between them, and she just said "no, I felt like you were a father to me." I almost broke down and cried (and I don't cry.) It was so touching. all I could tell her was I think of her as my daughter and will always love her. she said she will always love me too.

 

It's so painful never seeing her and now I'm moving away, most likely permanently. All I can do is watch her fade from my life.

 

I'm just so glad I had her in my life for the time I did and will always cherish it. Jeez I miss her!

 

Ken

[La.Primavera]

That was a beautiful thing to read. Never underestimate the impact you can have on someone's life. One thing is certain, she will never forget you!

 

All men should feel free to express their emotions, even through tears.

[kenmore]

Primavera, thank you so much! It feels good knowing I'm not just some sad idiot posting feelings lol. Honestly (and I know it's just me) my eyes still tear up reading it...this is the fourth time. Well, obviously it because it's personal to me. It does tell me what she means to me though, and that's important!

 

I did get some good advice from someone here who said to contact her! I'm thankful for that.

 

I'm not even sure why I posted it. It's not something people "reply to." There's nothing to say really. It's just a feeling but I think I said it because I was feeling it and it needed to be said! That's all. I just felt people needed to hear it!

 

I appreciate your thoughts back. Hugs!

 

Ken

[jen1447]

It's one of those things where it's hard to give a 'like' bc it seems like you're suffering in some way, so 'liking' that feels weird. But then again there's nothing much to say either, so you end up with silence.

 

I think some things are better off left pure anyway and not tainted by a lot of discussion.

[aloneinaz]

I feel you pain Kenmore. I dated this woman 25 years ago. She had a 8-9 son who lost his father in a gun accident. I really liked this kid and we did a lot of things together over the 6 months his Mom and I dated. Sadly, she just wasn't a good fit for me and I ended it w/her on good terms. She was friends w/my sister and I saw her 10 years later at a wedding. Her son was there as well and was now an adult. He came up to me and said hello. I was surprised that he remembered me. He said I was great to him and that made me feel good.

 

 

My last ex had two 10 year olds that I became very close with over the year w/dated. The daughter really liked me and would sit next to me on the couch watching her favorite shows that we discussed. The ex said she liked me more than her own father. I really missed the kids when she broke up with me. Fast forward 5-6 months later, she came back trying to get me back. She of course through in my face how much her daughter loved me and missed me in her long emails. I had moved on and was in love w/my new GF and she probably has BPD and was a horrible GF.

 

 

A few months later, my GF and I were at a grocery store. This little girl came up behind me and tugged on my shirt. I turned around and it was the exes daughter. I bent down and gave her a huge hug! She told me she missed me and was hugging me so tight. I kind of got tears in my eyes as did she. I told her I missed her huge too. She gave me another hug then went back to her mother who had hide down another isle. My GF got teary eyed when I told her who the little girl was. She said her broke her heart to see how much this little girl missed me and it was so unfair to kids to have to go through having people come in and out of their lives and I agreed as I wiped tears from my eyes.

[aloneinaz]

I feel your pain Kenmore. I dated this woman 25 years ago. She had a 8-9 son who lost his father in a gun accident. I really liked this kid and we did a lot of things together over the 6 months his Mom and I dated. Sadly, she just wasn't a good fit for me and I ended it w/her on good terms. She was friends w/my sister and I saw her 10 years later at a wedding. Her son was there as well and was now an adult. He came up to me and said hello. I was surprised that he remembered me. He said I was great to him and that made me feel good.

 

 

My last ex had two 10 year olds that I became very close with over the year w/dated. The daughter really liked me and would sit next to me on the couch watching her favorite shows that we discussed. The ex said she liked me more than her own father. I really missed the kids when she broke up with me. Fast forward 5-6 months later, she came back trying to get me back. She of course threw in my face how much her daughter loved me and missed me in her long emails. I had moved on and was in love w/my new GF and she probably has BPD and was a horrible GF.

 

 

A few months later, my GF and I were at a grocery store. This little girl came up behind me and tugged on my shirt. I turned around and it was the exes daughter. I bent down and gave her a huge hug! She told me she missed me and was hugging me so tight. I kind of got tears in my eyes as did she. I told her I missed her huge too. She gave me another hug then went back to her mother who had hid down another isle. My GF got teary eyed when I told her who the little girl was. She said it broke her heart to see how much this little girl missed me. She also said it was so unfair to kids to have to go through having people come in and out of their lives as their parents dated and I agreed as I wiped tears from my eyes.

[Grumpybutfun]

Sometimes our "children" aren't born of our seed. I adopted all three of mine and being their father has been my greatest joy. Don't give her up just because you can't live with her mother. Keep in touch and do things with her as you can. Having three adult children now, watching how my influence and love has shaped them is my only imprint on this earth that truly matters.

As far as men not being emotional, any man who loves will be emotional...it is a given. I cried like a baby when my daughter gave birth, when my son got back from Afghanistan and when my wife was cancer free. I give less than one damn what a man is supposed to do....I'm living my life on my terms.

Best,

Grumps

[kenmore]

It's one of those things where it's hard to give a 'like' bc it seems like you're suffering in some way, so 'liking' that feels weird. But then again there's nothing much to say either, so you end up with silence.

 

I think some things are better off left pure anyway and not tainted by a lot of discussion.

 

Yes, I know exactly what you mean! I have felt like that a number of times. Not much to "like" about pain (unless you like that kind of thing.) I like your last thought. That's sweet. I just had to taint it by saying that LOL! Thank you!

[Popsicle]

That was very sweet, kenmore.

[EverLastluv]

That's so sweet! I wanted to share a little about my daughter. I have only one ... Met this wonderful guy who treated her like his own. When he gets pay he will give her allowance. My daughter was so kool with him that she piggy back on his back like she will do with her own father. We just separate one month. Been together for 3 years. My daughter now 14yr old.I don't think she will like anyone else in my life like she liked him. It's so sad for me cause I really wished we could stay together. We engaged to marry but had to walk away. He is a alcoholic!

[Tayla]

Your honesty is admirable. So few would share such and be willing to be vulnerable about it. It gets my respect. Distance won't change the love, its there for when you wish to express it or reflect back upon it. She sounds like a wonderful and wise young gal.

[kenmore]

Thanks all!

 

Tonight I had an interesting discussion with her via text. I decided I needed to tell her about my new job because I posted it on Facebook today and want her to hear it from me before she reads it anonymously. She visits Facebook about once every six months so knowing Murphy's law, she's due tonight!

 

I had withheld information about it up until now because I wasn't sure I'd get the job and I didn't want her mom (my ex) to know. Tonight I wondered why I didn't want my ex to know and cogitated on that. The only reason I could figure out is that I thought if I told my step daughter I had a new awesome job and she told my ex, my ex may suddenly contact me (remember, she divorced me because I couldn't get a good job.)

 

Tonight I decided I don't care. My step daughter is much more important than that and I wouldn't be able to trust my ex anymore so that's a non-issue.

 

What made me want to post this is beside that, we had such a great text conversation and here's why! After I texted her, she texted me back in about 12 seconds. I replied right back and so on. I barely had time to pee! We went back and forth 14 times in 30 minutes. When we were done, we said we loved each other, I said goodnight, she said good luck and that was the end. It was perfect! A beginning (me posting about the job), a middle (us posting back and forth like we care, which we do) and an end (good night and good luck.) IMO, it's what a text should be!

 

It's another reason I love her, she gets it! Not only did we send love through the text, we sent info (I learned some things as did she), we connected, we caught up, we sympathized and we CLOSED IT!

 

I will love this girl all my life, I'm so glad she knows how to communicate! LOL

 

Ken

[kenmore]

Your honesty is admirable. So few would share such and be willing to be vulnerable about it. It gets my respect. Distance won't change the love, its there for when you wish to express it or reflect back upon it. She sounds like a wonderful and wise young gal.

 

Thank you Tayla, that is a lovely thing to say! She's very wise!

[kenmore]

Ughh! my ex DID contact me today. It was by email. First time since April. It wasn't pretty!

 

She told me to stop contacting her daughter, a "minor child" she so eloquently put it. She said she WILL get a restraining order against me if I continue.

 

I can't decide now if I'm feeling hurt, anger or frustration more! It's all three but the proportions have shifted in the last hour since I read that. I was seething with rage through dinner! It does NOT help digestion.

 

I also can't decide if I should respond. I have been happy with NC and moving forward with my life. I don't need this, don't need a restraining order (and believe me, she WILL get one!) and don't need her daughter to feel like I am abandoning her. If I respond, I'd say something like "okay I'll leave her alone but you should tell her it's because you are forcing me to so she doesn't feel it's my own preference." but I have no way of knowing if she would do that anyway and she would just say no. I thought about texting my step-daughter one more time to tell her but you know that will get back to the ex and hello restraining order.

 

Yep...definitely leaning toward angry!

 

Ken

 

P.S. at least this is as happy as I have been to be away from that bitch!

[Popsicle]

I'm sorry you're going through this, kenmore. I have a friend who is like your ex. She doesn't like her exes (there have been a few, none her father) continuing to communicate with her daughter after they break up/go NC. The only one she allowed to continue was the one who kept sending her daughter money. Eventually all communication stopped though.

 

Your step daughter will be 18 soon so maybe then she will make her own decisions on who she wants to talk to.

[kenmore]

Thank you for your kind reply popsicle, that means a lot to me!

 

Here's what I drafted and will most likely send tomorrow:

 

J...,

 

I have been in periodic communication with E... (you can use her name when speaking to me, I know it) [for loveshack: this is part of the message. Her email to me said "my daughter." kind of cold.] since you told me it was OK. Not over-often, about once every month maybe more frequently, just to stay in touch. I understand that B... is her dad and he decided to get involved in her life but I have thought of E.. as a daughter similar to P... right along! She feels that way to me now and always will. [to loveshack: P... is my daughter]

 

You told me one time not to speak to her because it causes her pain. I respected that then asked you if I could contact her last year because of the holidays and you said I could. I appreciate that! I took that as a blanket approval because you never said not to after that. After that I asked her specifically if me talking to her causes her pain and that I would stop if so, and her reply was "no, in fact I love it!" Ask her, she will tell you that. She loves me too and this action is going to hurt her.

 

I have always had respect for you and I would like you to have respect for me. I made a big deal about you understanding that I have integrity and it took you a f*cking long time to admit you do. I can't imagine why that is, I never took advantage of you nor asked anything of you. I have never intentionally hurt E... I love her! She means so much to me and she's a victim of our divorce. It hurts me a great deal not to be able to see her so keeping in touch means a lot.

 

I told her about my new job for one reason: because I have always told her that she can count on me to be there for her. I told her (after you asked me to leave) if she ever finds herself in a situation where she needs someone and can't get in touch with you, grandma or her dad, she can call me and I'd be there! I meant that sincerely. I need her to know that I won't be in the area anymore. I knew she would be happy for me. I wanted to share. I would have hoped you would be happy for me. I would have loved to share with you. I still love you and would have loved for you to be happy for me.

 

I will do as you say. I don't like it. I would appreciate it if you make it known to her somehow (your inimitable fashion) that I won't be contacting her anymore but I do love her. I never want her to feel abandoned by me! That would be the worst pain! That's why I stayed in touch, I love her so much!

 

Do as you please. hate me. It's what you need. Tell everyone how much I stole from you. I know you will. I just want you to let E... love me like I love her! I hope that's not too much to ask.

 

Ken

Edited September 4, 2015 by kenmore

[Majormisstep]

Hey Ken....yeah, I don't know about sending that email to your ex. It will likely generate more resentment and she could really go above and beyond enforcing NC on her daughter.

 

xSD is already caught in the crosshairs and she will probably side with mom to keep her quiet.

 

Lay low until E.. is 18 then see if you can resume some type of dad-daughter RL.

[kenmore]

Thank you Majormisstep, I appreciate the advice.

 

I have cooled off a bit. My first reaction was to just tell her to go F herself (which looking back was my first reaction often with her when she acted this way, which of course can be counted as another reason we're broken up.)

 

My second reaction after thinking about it was to try to save something with xSD, but I'm sure that the harder I push the harder ex will push back. Now, two days later I'm realizing the best thing to do is nothing at all!

 

Another thought occurred to me too: This may be the tip of the iceberg. This antagonizing email may be the first volley in her trying to open communications with me now that I have a good job. If I respond it could open that whole bag of worms, and that's the last thing I need right now in my life!

 

I appreciate your insight. You're absolutely right!

 

Ken

[kenmore]

I took Majormisstep's advice and it was right! Everyone's advice was right. Leave it alone. It was perfect. It made sense to me and everyone. Don't go against the powers that be, just let it go. Better not to poke the animals. I took that advice. It was right.

 

Until.....

 

tonight. Something new happened. In my new job, I was summoned into a loved place but not only that, in a special way. In a way that made it special to her. She had to know! It meant everything. It meant a court order if that is what it means. I don't care. Do you have any idea what she means to me? Again I'm writing this through tears. People in nearby hotel rooms must think I'm a madman pounding tables, crying and swearing softly (but audibly.)

 

I never cry, this hurts! WTF?

 

So, here's what happened. I told her "don't tell your mom, she's really pissed at me: I'm going to - next week in - way to fix their machine. I love you. I'll talk to you when you're 18. xoxoxo Daddy Ken :-D"

 

Her reply: "have fun!! I love you too!

 

Me: "I love you so much, good bye for now :-("

 

Her: "byeeee"

 

":-("

 

I don't know if you can all appreciate that. I have literally been in tears since then and I just don't! Guess I do. Crap! I just said goodbye to her f*ck!!!!

 

My keyboard is going to short. Bye.

[Majormisstep]

Take a breath and calm down.

 

You did not say goodbye. You said talk to you later. Big difference. And I think for the most part, communication with teenagers at that age is hit and miss anyway. Meaning sometimes they are chatty and accessible, other times they are busy doing their teenager things. So you have to wait for bit til she is old enough to make those choices on who she does or doesn't talk to. It will go by quickly Ken.

 

My son is moving out at the end of this month....15 minutes away but it feels like halfway across the earth. I get it.

[jen1447]

How old is your exSD? When she's 18 she'll be free to make up her own mind about who she talks to.

 

You wouldn't get a restraining order btw unless you've been behaving in a way that suggests you're a danger to her. You'd most likely get a no contact order (which is exactly like it sounds - it forbids you from contacting someone), but even that seems doubtful honestly if your 'egregious' level of contacting this teenager - your very own former stepdaughter who you have a legit emotional investment in and who loves you in return - is a few times a year with messages of support and encouragement. Your ex would have to show that you were somehow harassing her or that you were an impediment to her well being. They don't just rubber stamp these things willy-nilly in most places without evidence to support them. That said, your ex does have the right to forbid you from talking to her, so I think the smart play is to get your last messages in for a while explaining things and get back with her when she's 18. She sounds like a sharp girl so I think she can handle that.

 

Emotional messages to exes with exclamation points and vulgarities are never a good idea btw, no matter how cathartic. If you have to send anything to her at all, just be short and to the point. I don't think you should ignore her if she contacts you re your exSD tho, bc she could possibly use that as ammo for a RO petition to demonstrate your 'contempt' for her parental authority.

[kenmore]

Thanks Majormisstep, I have calmed down again. Obviously this is an emotional issue with me and maybe that's another reason to just let it go for awhile. I'm sorry about your son leaving, that will be very difficult!

 

Thanks also Jen, she's actually only a few months from being 18 but she will still be living in her mother's house and as such will be subject to her rules. While legally the situation changes, the hard feelings will continue and I wouldn't want to make life difficult for her around her mother.

 

Like so many times in life, it's sadly probably time to just let go and hope she picks the ball up and runs with it someday. I think that last communication was the last for now because I can envision how it went when she told her mom that I had this job: She was probably happy. Maybe even thought if her mom knew, maybe we could get back together again. My guess is nothing would make E... happier than us being back together. She probably told her thinking her reaction would be relief and happiness and instead she probably blew a gasket. My guess is E... knows VERY WELL what's going on about me not communicating anymore at this point.

 

I appreciate your point about the RO vs the NCO. I have been kicking the notion around already how difficult it would be for her to get a RO against me just because I shoot E... a few text messages here and there.

 

As far as responding to her though, it has already been 10 days since she emailed me so my contempt is obvious already! Not that I have contempt for her authority as E...'s mother, just for her in general. Also saying something now will invite a response and I don't need another whole convo. going on with her at this point in my life.

 

I very much appreciate you both taking the time to reach out about this and offer you're advice. It's nice to know people have my back!

 

Ken

[Blanco]

This thread hits close to home. Over three years, my ex's children became like my own, and in most ways, that was the hardest part about walking away from the relationship. We just didn't fit and I can see more clearly now that we really didn't have a future; not an enjoyable one, anyway.

 

The feelings of the lost relationship were still very much raw when she started dating a new guy, so I had to remove myself from her life and the kids' lives, too. Reading this thread makes me realize I was fortunate that my ex was even open to me still seeing the kids. I take for granted that this is not often the case.

 

I have only seen them once in the last four months. I've gotten choked up or cried a few times in that period and every time, it's been after thinking about them, not her. Her now four-year-old son was in many ways, my best friend during the relationship. When things were lousy (and that was often), he brightened my day with his natural joy for life. I feel in a roundabout way, he taught me a lot about enjoying life, even if he's not even out of pre-school.

 

As I continue to center myself and feel less awful about my ex being with someone new, I have thought more about seeing the kids again. I don't really talk to my ex, anymore, though I don't think she would take issue with this. It didn't work the first time around because I saw them at their house when the mother was present. I think finding activities to do with them away from the house (where I was just reminded of my past life) and without the mother (who just reminded me of her new relationship) is the way to go.

 

I've been planning to send them each a card with a small note for a while. Reading this thread, I think, is what's finally going to get me to do that this week. They've suffered a loss with their father being deceased. I don't want them to think every father figure who comes along will vanish some day.