Just having a rough time

[unsaved]

Hey guys,

 

I'm 40 days since my BU, 29 days NC. Look back at my original story if you want details. Long story short, got broken up with. I loved him. He didn't love me.

 

I'm a 32 year old female who lives in middle America. I have been doing ok since we broke up. Staying very busy and moving on with my life. I'm in my last year of professional school, I coach a youth sport 2 nights a week. I play recreational sports 2 nights a week. I'm trying to just stay busy with life.

 

But for the last few weeks, I am really struggling with thoughts of being alone, not having anyone here, not feeling like my life has meaning, not feeling passionate about anything, not thinking I'll ever find someone i'll really love again, etc. It's like I'm hitting a bout of depression. I'm scared Ill meet someone and I won't think he is as good as the ex. I'm scared I won't meet anyone at all for years to come. I'm scared I will meet someone I really love and they will dump me again.

 

When I'm not thinking about that. I think about my ex. Not as much as the stuff mentioned above. And it's not so much that I want him back. But it seems like I miss him lately. Wondering what he's doing, if he misses me or even feels sorry for everything he put me through. Lately, I have been crying just hoping and thinking about whether I had any meaning for him at all in his life. If he even cares. I have no idea and I probably never will. I just miss this guy who I thought was involved in my life for quite a long time.

 

And to top it all off, this is the first time I've had a breakup where all of my friends are married or in serious relationships and really can't be there to help me get through this. Literally all of my girlfriends and most of my guy friends. In the past, I've always had single girls who will go out with me regularly and I had things going on every weekend to get me through and help me move on. But now, those friends have all moved on to marriage and long term relationships. All my married friends give me excuses when I ask to hang out. They can only meet on their time, when their kid is napping, when their husbands are working or are not home, which is hardly ever. When we do meet, I have to go to their homes and we chat for a few hours and that's really it.They can't go out because of their kid or they are staying in with their husband. Not much of a chance to go out with them ever to do new things or meet new people.

 

I have couple of single guy friends and we hang out. But it's just not the same. Don't get me wrong, I do hang out with them, but it's just different than having a girl there to vent to and to go out with and look for new guys together or just hang out together.

 

Sorry for writing so much. Is anyone else in a similar situation to this? I struggle getting up every day knowing I have no one and having these stupid feelings that my life doesn't have meaning right now because I have no one in it.

 

It is silly, I know. But it's just the way I feel. How do I get through this? Any tips or suggestions? Or anything who is in a similar boat? Just looking for someone to relate with.

 

Thanks

 

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[StalwartMind]

You can wonder all you want, but none of us know the future and what it has in store for us. While that's not going to stop most from continuing to do so, it is however something to consider. Just because one person, or multiple people on this planet don't value/love you, doesn't mean that no one else will.

 

While it can be difficult to lose someone you otherwise find great, if your partner doesn't love you, or otherwise want to be with you, then you need to accept that. You don't have to like it, in fact it's healthy to let all these emotions run through you, even if they do not feel great.

 

It can be difficult to find someone to talk to, who will have time and be able to relate, especially when all your friends are married or in relationships. Being single or alone is not the end of the world, far from it, as you can take your time and do what is needed to process all your thoughts, and eventually it will all help you become an even better person.

 

You describe your life as not having any meaning, because there is no one in it, I certainly can understand this, as it's essential to have someone you can at least talk to. Someone who similarly can and will commit time. Instead of actually spending too much time fearing or being scared if something will be as "good" as it used to be, allow yourself to have new experiences. In fact pushing our own boundaries at times, and getting out of our comfort zone, can lead to unexpected pleasant surprises.

 

While it would be fantastic if the next person you meet was just perfect, I feel it's a decent attitude to at least just try to approach initiating something again, so you don't remain idle or inactive. Opportunities are everywhere, but if we don't venture out to seek them, then they more often than not will never be discovered. Even if you go through multiple boring, poor and even bad experiences, the are all just a part of the path that will lead you to someone right.

 

Losing interesting in things certainly smell of depression, many deal with that in varying degrees, life can be a monster at times with the stuff it throws at you, especially if you are an emotional person. From what you wrote it actually sound like you could even just use a new friend, even if you perhaps would not want that of a male, sometimes even that can lead to greater experiences.

 

There are many options, in one way or another, you do need to find the courage to pick yourself up, and get out there again. Anyone who is somewhat decent will show you the patience, understanding, kindness and love which all deserve who are looking for a mutual and respectful relationship.

[Satu]

A clipping from my journal:

 

 

 

If you feel OK:

 

You look at the past, and the past looks OK.

 

If you feel bad:

 

You look at the past, and the past looks bad.

 

 

If you feel OK:

 

You imagine the future, and the future looks OK.

 

If you feel bad:

 

You imagine the future, and the future looks bad.

 

 

What that means is that you have to find ways of making yourself feel OK in the present.

 

One way of looking at things, is to consider life as consisting of frustrations and satisfactions.

 

 

You have frustrations in your life, and some of them can't be made to go away.

 

 

So what you have to do is add satisfactions.

 

 

Do things that make you feel good

 

Go to places that make you feel good.

 

Read books that make you feel good.

 

Listen to music that makes you feel good.

 

Do exercise that makes you feel good.

 

Watch movies that make you feel good.

 

 

And so on, and so on, and so on.

 

 

Build a list of things that make you feel good, and do them.

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[BriNyc82]

I can identify with every single word you just said =) I am also 32 going through a breakup where I also wonder if he regrets breaking my heart in such a cold fashion and struggling day to day. I've also been trying to keep busy but it's summer and all my friends are married with babies or on vacation and have been away. I also don't necessarily want him back, but I want that happiness back. Dating in my city is like having a second job and so frustrating.

 

It took me 2 years to meet this guy since the guy before him. Will I have to wait another 2 years to find someone? ugh

 

When my friends aren't around I have been reading my books by the river, doing bikram yoga, focusing on my career, cleaning my apartment, doing crafts, working out (kudos to you for doing that also), journaling, giving myself facials and doing girly pampering stuff! I went on a shopping spree and said F it, I deserve this! Slowly over time your passions will come back. I am still going through it but it gets better. I know it feels like there's no purpose without him but there has to be. You just need to dig deep. You're not alone in this.

[icyfeline]

I feel like a lot of us have these ideas of getting married, possibly having kids, the American Dream sort of thing - & that if doesn't happen by a certain age there's something wrong with us.

Well, here I am at 30 going backwards. Where as most people start settling down for these things, I now know I never want kids & while I'm not against marriage, I'm not seeking it out anymore. I'm kind of starting over getting to know myself & healing from past relationships.

 

What makes you happy? Are you looking for a relationship because you want one or because you feel lonely/left out?

 

I know it seems like everyone around you has someone & it can definitely sting at times, but there are plenty of others out there who are alone as well, still trying to figure it all out - & that's okay. You're young, & your life does much meaning, but it's up to you to find that out. Another person won't complete you.

Meeting someone will hopefully just be the icing on the cake when you're ready. *hugs* ♥

[Satu]

I feel like a lot of us have these ideas of getting married, possibly having kids, the American Dream sort of thing - & that if doesn't happen by a certain age there's something wrong with us.

Well, here I am at 30 going backwards. Where as most people start settling down for these things, I now know I never want kids & while I'm not against marriage, I'm not seeking it out anymore. I'm kind of starting over getting to know myself & healing from past relationships.

 

What makes you happy? Are you looking for a relationship because you want one or because you feel lonely/left out?

 

I know it seems like everyone around you has someone & it can definitely sting at times, but there are plenty of others out there who are alone as well, still trying to figure it all out - & that's okay. You're young, & your life does much meaning, but it's up to you to find that out. Another person won't complete you.

Meeting someone will hopefully just be the icing on the cake when you're ready. *hugs* ♥

 

Spending time getting to know yourself in a really deep way, is one of the most enriching things a person can do.

 

I feel sorry for anyone who hasn't had that experience.

[icyfeline]

Spending time getting to know yourself in a really deep way, is one of the most enriching things a person can do.

 

I feel sorry for anyone who hasn't had that experience.

 

Very well said, it truly is. The odd thing is how painful it feels at first, especially if you're used to being with someone. It's incredibly mind-opening though. The tough part is willing to face being alone in order to get there.

[unsaved]

Thank you all for replying,

 

I appreciate what you all said. I mean, I think I am ready and want to take on the challenge of being alone. I definitely do not want to date anyone else right now. It almost frightens me to think about, as I said before. If a guy came along who seemed too good to pass up, that might be a different story. But I'm definitely not seeking that out and don't want to. I even have a guy or two who are sniffing around right now and I want nothing to do with them. Would rather try to be by myself and be happy alone as you all have suggested. I would like to find myself on a deeper level.

 

But, as I've said, right now is so hard. I just need to know if these thoughts I have are normal or not regarding feeling empty and not finding joy in anything. How do I get to being happy alone doing activities? Does it just take time? Will these negative, depressing thoughts just pass? I know that going out with friends and staying busy with activities has always worked for me in the past and is what many suggest in getting over a breakup and moving forward in life. But, as I've said, my friends have been almost non-existent lately in that regard. And I stay busy with the activities I mentioned, which works to keep me going and not let my mind sit idly. But this time around, the activities aren't bringing me much joy or excitement. Not like they normally do or should.

 

And with all this negative thinking, it brings on thoughts about missing my ex and not wanting to be alone (or missing SOMEONE being there, not necessarily him. As I said, I have given up on this hope that I want him back. It didn't work out and it never will. I just wonder if he misses me or feels sorry).

 

It's all so hard to explain. I guess it just feels good to write it out here even if I don't get any answers as to how to fix it or make it better.

 

Of course, I'm sure I will find the answers with time. And I'm sure my answer is 'time.' There's that damn word again.

 

Thanks for listening

[icyfeline]

I think it's normal to not be interested in things as much as you normally would be & feel down sometimes, yes. Do you feel like it's due to your break up or something you can't quite put your finger on? Your break up is still pretty new so it sounds like you're dealing with those feelings at the moment from what you described.

[unsaved]

Feelings have definitely come after the breakup. Usually I'm a very happy person who likes to be active and do new and fun things and be around my friends and family. So, it's not like I'm a depressed person normally.

 

And usually I just do the things I need to do and move on with not a whole ton of struggle. Just feeling more depressed than ever this time due to the situation (now in early 30's, all friends are busy and married/in LTR's, feel like there are many available men anymore, etc.)

 

I guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and see what happens.

[icyfeline]

Looking at my other responses to you I feel I should apologize for pushing being single as an amazing thing on you. I didn't mean to make it sound like you should be & should enjoy it - If you feel like dating that's awesome too! I just got the feeling you're partially down on yourself for being single & I wanted you to know it will be okay with or without someone in your life at the moment.

 

I know what you mean though in that it's not totally your break up, you're not totally depressed, just kind of observing everyone else & feel a bit blah/stuck. Things aren't awful, but not great either...that sort of thing?

 

I'm around your age & totally relate to how you're feeling. I wish there something else I could say to comfort you other than you're not alone.

[unsaved]

Thanks so much icyfeline

 

You helped a lot and sometimes there's not much you can say to help. I just gotta work it out alone. I know it's all going to be ok. Even just coming on here and posting this and getting responses and responding back helps. I feel like I'm better than I was before i posted.

 

Also, hearing that I'm not alone helps. It's just too bad you all exist only in my internet world and not in my live world!

 

I really do need to be single for awhile. I really do think I need to find myself for real. I want to learn to be truly happy alone. I hope to feel as fulfilled as you all seem to have felt after finding yourself in a deep way.

 

I'm sure it'll continue to be rough as I'm getting used to this. I hope the roughness is on its way out though.

[icyfeline]

Aw, you're such a sweetheart, & yes things will be fine. These forums & the people on it saved me quite a few times as well, just talking helps like you said, I'm really glad it's helping you if even just a little.

 

I'm not quite fulfilled myself at the moment, but working on it, really trying to anyways.

You seem incredibly kind, caring, intelligent, & just a lovely person all around. I can't imagine anything but good things in your future, & I wish them all for you. ♥

[BriNyc82]

We are always a work in progress. Alone or in a relationship. We always need to continue to focus on ourselves.

[Marblex3]

I am so thankful for this thread! My ex and I broke up quite a while ago, but both still really wanted to make it work and have been on and off for quite sometime. We have taken turns saying we should stop but then always wind up back in touch. Well, a week ago he said he is done and just wants to be happy and is ready to move on. I also want to be happy. Part of me misses him because he knew me so well…and he had traits I loved and traits I didn't love…part of me is hopeful that I will find somebody, and part of me feels hopeless that I will be single forever. I had a very up and down roller coaster of a week of emotions feelings confident and feeling overwhelmingly sad. I miss talking to him, but also think this break might be good for me to figure out what I truly want for my future. I know I want to be married with children, but more so of what I want in a husband.

 

I should also mention I am too in my early 30's, and I too am feeling lonely, as well as all of my friends being in relationships/having kids/unavailable to hang out due to being on vacation/spending time with their families or significant others.

 

Glad to know I am not the only 30 year old single woman feeling lost and hopeless!

[Chronograph]

I'm scared Ill meet someone and I won't think he is as good as the ex. I'm scared I won't meet anyone at all for years to come. I'm scared I will meet someone I really love and they will dump me again.

 

When I'm not thinking about that. I think about my ex. Not as much as the stuff mentioned above. And it's not so much that I want him back. But it seems like I miss him lately. Wondering what he's doing, if he misses me or even feels sorry for everything he put me through. Lately, I have been crying just hoping and thinking about whether I had any meaning for him at all in his life. If he even cares. I have no idea and I probably never will. I just miss this guy who I thought was involved in my life for quite a long time.

 

And to top it all off, this is the first time I've had a breakup where all of my friends are married or in serious relationships and really can't be there to help me get through this.

 

Hey, I can so relate to this, you wouldn't believe it! I'm also in my early thirties, same friends situation, same fears about dating / being alone, never finding someone again. I feel anxious and restless right now. I don't even know how to meet potential new friends (who are single). I just know: I cannot stand spending too much of my time with happy couples, or with dating either. It's good to know that others are out there who feel the same and who understand. It's tough! Hugs!