What love is...

[kenmore]

I have been doing a lot of thinking about this subject lately. I like to go on long walks and that gives me a lot of time to myself to just think. Inevitably I think about things I shouldn't like my loneliness, bad dates or my ex, but I feel I get a lot of good out of it too sometimes.

 

This subject is love and what it really is. People have told me many times that "sometimes people just fall out of love." Conditions change, circumstances change, they will say; PEOPLE change. While that's all true, I think the definition of love may be all over the map. Here's how I see it:

 

First of all, people mean well and I know that. All most people here want to do is make someone who is hurting feel better because they know what feeling like crap is like. I totally appreciate that, but I think many people have the misguided impression that real love can just go away. I believe that real love is more than just a strong like. Like can come and go. You can like someone or something one day and dislike them the next. Has anyone ever heard the term dislove? It doesn't exist. True love is a feeling like an addiction which once it's in your brain, it will never go away. You can fight it, you can separate yourself from it but you can't make it go away. In fact, I believe real love is just that, an addiction. When you're with someone you really care about for awhile, part of your brain changes. Actually rewires to make that person necessary to fulfill your life (at least it feels that way.) I'll further submit that some people are more prone to addiction and some are not prone at all, and it may very well be that those who are not prone to addiction at all may never feel true love.

 

Now I realize I'm treading on something here that's beyond love shack to confirm or disprove, this is merely for discussion purposes. I posted it in "coping" because I think some understanding of this concept will change the way a person copes with losing a love. I feel that since my wife found it so easy to just end our relationship completely over something as mundane as my earnings tells me she simply didn't feel the same toward me as I felt toward her. I also feel that if she didn't then, she never did. That's a bit of a tough pill to swallow, but it explains a lot.

 

I may be completely wrong about this, I have not made it a life study by any means, but from my personal observations it seems to be true. It took me a long time (well into my 30's) before I understood that love is not just "like on steroids." It's another concept altogether. Once in love, there is no return, ever! I have loved like this only twice in this sense. My two wives. There is nothing in this life that will ever take away the pain of losing either of them or cause me not to think of them regularly. I "love" other people, my family, my daughter, my step-daughter etc and that will never end either, but it's at a different level (don't hate me for saying that, just trying to be honest.) The love you feel for a mate is like no other...if you have it at all.

 

Ken

[aloneinaz]

In my mind, the love we feel for our kids or family members is MUCH different than we feel for our partners. We will never stop loving our kids for example but we can stop "loving" and ex partner. At one time I really "loved" my now ex wife. Now, oh hell no!

 

 

I personally think the word "love" and "I love you" are thrown around far too easily in relationships. I'm a much bigger advocate of the expression "words don't mean crap, peoples actions do", as it pertains to how our significant others treat and respect us versus their use of that L word.

 

 

I also believe that people's brain chemistry can get out of whack when they are fresh in a new relationship with someone they really like. Usually, this lasts for several months at the beginning of the R/S. When the honeymoon phase cools down, people who said they were "so in love" due to those chemicals in their brains, now realize it wasn't really love but rather infatuation. They are now seeing things more realistically and realize what they thought was love, wasn't it at all.

 

 

How I know I'm in love with the woman in my life is the thought of them suddenly being gone from my life can cause anxiety! Thinking about them being with another guy would cause me to go postal on that person. I can see the future together with them. I know I'd take a bullet for them. I'm grateful to have them in my life.

 

 

When I've had relationships that cleared the honeymoon phase and the infatuation and excitement of the person wore off and I didn't feel the way I described above, I ended it. I knew I wasn't in love with them because I knew by ending it, I said I was ok for them to go meet and have sex with someone new and that thought didn't bother me at all.

Edited August 14, 2015 by aloneinaz

[Reels]

True love never dies. I had heard of it, and have realized it very well. I had loved someone 4 years and I had breakup in 1.5 years cause she cheated on me. I can tell, it has been hard to live everyday and it is all because I loved her.

[kenmore]

In my mind, the love we feel for our kids or family members is MUCH different than we feel for our partners. We will never stop loving our kids for example but we can stop "loving" and ex partner. At one time I really "loved" my now ex wife. Now, oh hell no!

 

Don't you feel any strong feelings for her now? Sure, you may be angry or filled with hate / disgust, whatever, but there must still be strong emotions attached to her. Maybe you don't equate those feelings with love because they don't feel like love, but why are they there? You can find someone else, but that doesn't replace an old love, it just kinda adds another layer.

 

True love never dies. I had heard of it, and have realized it very well. I had loved someone 4 years and I had breakup in 1.5 years cause she cheated on me. I can tell, it has been hard to live everyday and it is all because I loved her.

 

The pain will lessen with time, I'm sure of that, but you will always feel something deep inside when you think of her. I agree, it will never go away.

 

While I believe love never dies, it's even more so when two people are still together; seeing each other every day. Maybe there get to be feelings of resentment or anger toward the other because of things that annoy you, and that cloaks the deepest feelings as well, but anger and disgust change with time and exposure. People break up all the time because of anger or resentment and later come to regret it because those feelings fade and love comes through.

 

What I guess I'm saying is that the fact that since my wife shows no signs of giving a crap anymore, I don't feel true love was ever there. She had said she used to "love me deeply", but I seriously doubt it. I just don't think anyone who "loves me deeply" can go from that to nothing. I'm still trying to figure it out even though it makes no difference anymore. I should be trying to figure out why I care.

 

Ken

[jen1447]

^ Human nature - ppl always want answers.

[aloneinaz]

Don't you feel any strong feelings for her now? Sure, you may be angry or filled with hate / disgust, whatever, but there must still be strong emotions attached to her. Maybe you don't equate those feelings with love because they don't feel like love, but why are they there? You can find someone else, but that doesn't replace an old love, it just kinda adds another layer.

 

 

Ken

 

To answer this question, I feel indifferent to my ex wife. There's no hate, animosity nor anger. I ended the relationship. I have really NO emotions towards her what so ever. Yes, she is a part of my history but in my mind, she's my past and I've only looked forward since divorcing her 8 years ago.

 

 

It's my belief that we transition into loving someone and then we transition out of love. Again, the word "love" is so abused and over used. It's just a word to describe emotions. If people didn't fall out of love, the national divorce rate wouldn't be over 50% of marriages. This site wouldn't exist.

 

 

It's such a common theme here with dumpees wondering how their ex could say they "loved" them one day and then dump them the next. They wonder "did they ever really love me" and "how could they simply move on so quickly, like I didn't exist".. I'm a believer and have experienced the changes in our brain when we are heartbroken. We don't think with our brains freshly out of a relationship, especially if we've been kicked to the curb. We think with our hearts. Only when we recover from the break up and start feeling more normal again, does our rational thinking kick back in. This is when most realize their relationship that they were crying over wasn't that great at all and they are glad it ended. They also come to the conclusion that most of the pain wasn't from missing the person but rather, it was from feeling rejected and missing what the relationship provided.

[Oregon_Dude]

most of the pain wasn't from missing the person but rather, it was from feeling rejected and missing what the relationship provided.

Exactly. Well-said and true.

[fireflywy]

All I know is that sometimes I wish mine would go away.

[writergal]

Love is...when the other person's happiness is more important than your own. Love is...the gift of one's self to another (without any conditions).

[Popsicle]

I totally agree with your conclusions, kenmore, and have had the same thoughts before myself (especially in regards to my own ex-H). One thing that happens with me though, is once I get to the point where I know for sure that the other person doesn't love me in the same way I love them, which takes a long time to realize by the way, suddenly something is lost within me. It's like my blood turns cold and I just can't bring myself to want to be with them any longer, even though I still have feelings for them. The imbalance of the situation just becomes so glaringly obvious, and I know that they can never make me happy and become distant. At that point, they usually complain about my distance but I don't know what else to do. I end up leaving. I see the change as a natural process of protecting myself and I think it's healthy.

[kenmore]

I totally agree with your conclusions, kenmore, and have had the same thoughts before myself (especially in regards to my own ex-H). One thing that happens with me though, is once I get to the point where I know for sure that the other person doesn't love me in the same way I love them, which takes a long time to realize by the way, suddenly something is lost within me. It's like my blood turns cold and I just can't bring myself to want to be with them any longer, even though I still have feelings for them. The imbalance of the situation just becomes so glaringly obvious, and I know that they can never make me happy and become distant. At that point, they usually complain about my distance but I don't know what else to do. I end up leaving. I see the change as a natural process of protecting myself and I think it's healthy.

 

Hi Popsicle, I'm glad you're talking to me again!

 

I know, I feel that too, she rejected me coldly and of course I feel the imbalance and don't want to be with her anymore, but I still do. That's what sucks! I don't on a logical level, at all! I'm moving up north, I can't anyway, but I still have to admit that if she contacted me tomorrow wanting to "talk", I'd probably talk. No good could possibly come of it so I don't want her to, nor do I want to contact her but have to fight myself. I won't so don't worry.

 

Az, I hear what you're saying. I felt that way too, just wondering when people would get it and move on but the reason I posted this is I don't think that time will ever come for me. I think I know now how things are going. To me, love is something that can't die. I know others feel differently. You said yourself "I've only looked forward since divorcing her 8 years ago." You have a different perspective than I do. Sure I'm looking forward, but I can't stop looking backward too. I just don't think she felt like I did...ever.

 

I'm more with you fireflywy! Just wishing it would go away but it doesn't.

 

Ughhh!

[Chronograph]

I agree with writergal. True love is wishing the other person the best, without any conditions, not wanting them to change, just loving them for who they are, even when they don't want to be with you. It's selfless. But that said I'm not sure how realistic that is or if it's just utopia. I mean who is actually able to do this? If you're partner tells you "that's it, I'm leaving, I thought I might be happier with that new person here, bye bye" ... then you "should" be happy for them if you really love them. But who is so strong? I don't know anyone. (Maybe only after years of time have passed.)

 

I don't think that true love is like addiction. If it feels like addiction it's not healthy. Aloneinaz is right, most people don't miss their partners but what the relationship provided. That's what a lot of people become addicted to. The comfort, the companionship, the feeling that everything is okay with you, just because you are in a relationship. Just read a good book about that, it was called "Addicted to love" and it was about how our society has this norm that we can only be happy in relationships. But actually it might be more desirable to feel that everything is okay no matter if you have a partner or not. We all need to stop rejecting ourselves, or punishing ourselves, or bashing ourselves. We are okay, we are whole as we are. If only a partner can give you the reassurance that you are lovable than you will always be addicted to relationships but this will at the same time be the reason so many relationships fail.

[Majormisstep]

And I think love is an action, not necessarily spoken.

 

I'm a do-er...so to me loves means I will do things that my partner enjoys, like cook or back massages, listen to them if they've had a bad day, etc. Their needs are important to me. Saying "I love you" can be hollow if it is not supported by action somehow in the relationship.

 

Everyone's definition of love is different. To some it means financial security, others passion and sex, companionship, simple partnership, picture perfect family....whatever is their currency.

 

We will never know why our "dumpers" didn't hang in there...for better or worse.

[seasickpeeve]

I've been giving this thought to since a break up. I'm questioning whether love is real or just a fantasy/story we tell ourselves, and your partner backs up this story with words and actions until they don't. So when they stop supporting your love story, it becomes really scary because now your love story is now incomplete and you are writing the ending on your own.

 

I think different personalities love in different ways and to different levels. I'm a romantic and I think poetically so the 'love story' I told myself was bigger, deeper...than what my very practical matter of fact logical boyfriend would have told himself.

 

So it makes sense then that for him the end of the relationship he just told himself 'it didn't work, thats the end of that chapter, time to move on'.

where as the end of my love story was more like 'I've lost the love of my life, my heart is broken, my love story is incomplete'.

 

I think it is all the words we use use, the pictures in our minds, the way we tell ourselves our stories. So by that, two people can say 'i love you' to each other but be seeing/feeling/meaning very different things.

 

Makes me wonder if it's possible to share true love or if it is all just a fantasy we help each other indulge in whilst it suits us.

 

I'm just convinced that my love and his love were very different things. When I step back and look at our personalities, now I can see they're very different. I'm romantic, imaginative, creative. He's logical, practical and mind led. Same relationship, probably two very different experiences.

[kenmore]

Seasick, I have been thinking about this post. One of the reasons I made this thread was because I felt people don't understand what love should be (same majormisstep.) It isn't up for interpretation. I understand that people interpret it based upon how they feel and the circumstances surrounding their lives and feelings but love is unconditional (sorry to sound so camp.) I think a firm understanding of that fact can help the healing process.

 

If there is love felt, it can't stop. It can't be turned off and it can't be forgotten. In my younger days I had never felt it so didn't understand. Now I have felt it twice.

 

The "love story" you told yourself and the feelings you're feeling are genuine. What they feel? Who knows?

 

I just think either my ex is hurting like me (doubtful) or she was never in love at all. She doesn't have the luxury of just going (oh, this is inconvenient for me now so I'll just stop loving him.) It can't be like that and I know it.

 

I think you have it right from the get-go. We just need to find someone who can give it back.

 

Ken

[Popsicle]

Hi Popsicle, I'm glad you're talking to me again!

 

I know, I feel that too, she rejected me coldly and of course I feel the imbalance and don't want to be with her anymore, but I still do. That's what sucks! I don't on a logical level, at all! I'm moving up north, I can't anyway, but I still have to admit that if she contacted me tomorrow wanting to "talk", I'd probably talk. No good could possibly come of it so I don't want her to, nor do I want to contact her but have to fight myself. I won't so don't worry.

 

 

I think that you are just lonely. You behave that way.

[elaine567]

I think different personalities love in different ways and to different levels. I'm a romantic and I think poetically so the 'love story' I told myself was bigger, deeper...than what my very practical matter of fact logical boyfriend would have told himself.

So it makes sense then that for him the end of the relationship he just told himself 'it didn't work, thats the end of that chapter, time to move on'.

where as the end of my love story was more like 'I've lost the love of my life, my heart is broken, my love story is incomplete'.

 

I think you are correct, I think love is just a fantasy/story we concoct in our mind and how deep into that story we allow ourselves to go will predict how well we get over break ups too. Practical people are practical, those of an emotional or dramatic bent will be emotional and dramatic.

 

YOU were in mystic land full of fairies, angels, harps and love everlasting and he was in a business arrangement.