Dealing with anxiety

[madde]

Hello everyone!

It is 27 day after breakup and 14 day of full NC ( we were co workers from one corporation but different departments and have to work together few days after our breakup). Break up was on good terms, although I was blindsided after 6 months, I was trying to hold my grace and didn't begged him. Exactly reason was that he doesn't have a time for relationship and I said I respect his decision. Maybe it was something connected with immaturity because he is 23 and I am 28. Mostly pain is gone but for last week I had permanent anxiety. I am afraid that soon it can manifest in panic attacks. I know it is only 4 weeks but is it normal? I am afraid that I wouldn't feel better. I always thought that I am very independent and self-confident woman, because I felt very well being single for about 4 years, then I met him, I was very reserved for about 1.5 month and then decided to give him chance..

Thanks for reading!

[La.Primavera]

Do you know what is causing you to feel such prolonged feelings of anxiety?

[jen1447]

Breakups can cause severe anxiety and depression, yes. So it's 'normal' in the sense that it happens, probably a lot. Also it does go away, but it might be a while. Most likely it will if your only real issue here is the breakup and not a history of these problems. It's early for you yet tho, so I'd strap in for the ride, but you can take some comfort in knowing you'll come out the other side.

 

If it goes on for more than six months or thereabouts tho, you may want to seek some treatment. You could even seek some counseling now just to calm your fears if you like - spiritual leaders, support groups, even just a sympathetic friend. It helps to get it out of your system by talking.

[madde]

Thanks for answers!

Actually no, I didn't had panic problems before. My job is very stressful and also had very painful moments before. So I don't understand at all what is happening now. Before this relationship and when we were in relationship I was very peaceful and tolerant person. Maybe because the end came out of nowhere.

[La.Primavera]

Thanks for answers!

Actually no, I didn't had panic problems before. My job is very stressful and also had very painful moments before. So I don't understand at all what is happening now. Before this relationship and when we were in relationship I was very peaceful and tolerant person. Maybe because the end came out of nowhere.

 

I think it is worth exploring what the triggers are so you can try and take control of it. Anxiety is a horrible thing to experience, especially when it doesn't go away. I really emphasize with what you are going through. Do you think it might be because you feel abandoned by him or is the anxiety due to the thought of having to see him at work? Once you have figured that out you can start to come up with a plan of how you can work through it.

 

Hang in there.

[kenmore]

Welcome Madde,

 

I have to agree with Jen that it will most likely go away but anxiety can come from other things in your life that may be affecting you, so it may not be good to just assume it's because of the breakup. I think that's where La.Primavera was coming from.

 

I think I'd like to get the facts straight though. Please tell me if this is right: You were together as a couple for six months, around a month after the breakup and half of that NC. You had to work together for awhile but that's over. Is this correct?

 

Certainly seeing him around will raise anxiety levels. If you still work together, is there a way to get apart?

 

Hugs! Ken

[madde]

Break up really was shock- he was on vacation, send me text one day before his vacation ended and we worked together next day. It was ackward-we are working in different departaments, so his colleagues didn't know about our relationships. I was holding contact low as possible but he was still asking me about my vacation, holidays and how I was doing. It seemed to me that he was feeling worst than me, but I did not ask him anything- because in my opinion he was obligated to give me some explanation not me. Now I said my chief that I can't help to this department anymore but it is impossible to escape from mentioning him because we have so many mutual colleagues and they didn't know about us.

Thank you all!

Edited August 12, 2015 by madde

[La.Primavera]

Break up really was shock- he was on vacation, send me text one day before his vacation ended and we worked together next day. It was ackward-we are working in different departaments, so his colleagues didn't know about our relationships. I was holding contact low as possible but he was still asking me about my vacation, holidays and how I was doing. It seemed to me that he was feeling worst than me, but I did not ask him anything- because in my opinion he was obligated to give me some explanation not me. Now I said my chief that I can't help to this department anymore but it is impossible to escape from mentioning him because we have so many mutual colleagues and they didn't know about us.

Thank you all!

 

Wow, what a jerk! Honestly, I think you are handling the situation as best as you can. However if it doesn't get any easier it might be best to look for another job where you don't have to hear about him at all. Your emotional well being needs to be your number one priority.

[kenmore]

Well this time I was smart enough to refresh my screen to see if anyone responded before I typed

 

I agree with La.Primavera, you are handling the situation the best you can and he's a dick (had to step it up.) While I would wonder why he would text you a breakup during a vacation, that's when my wife broke up with me (on vacation, but in person.) She's a dick too.

 

Do try not to let this affect your work any more than possible unless you need to get away. If you do then you should talk to your supervisor but it will affect your job and you may lose it so be careful. I know I suggested getting apart, I was thinking more along the lines of having a colleague work with him behind the scenes.

 

This is why I hate workplace romance! It is fraught with complications! It seems like the best place to meet people because you spend so much time together and can get to know people so well, but there's usually some stuff like this that pops up. I wish you the best. Are you at work now?

 

Ken

[madde]

I am writing on my lunch break. My supervisor is one of my best friends and she was the one of few colleagues who know about our relationship.

I am so sorry, Ken, that your wife did it to you while being on vacation.

Thank you all again for your answers. It is better know that people from outside think that I did best I can, because sometimes I had doubts maybe he wanted to stay friends? But I knowed from the first second: I can't be friends with him.

Edited August 12, 2015 by madde

[learnbyliving]

Short term anxiety after a breakup is normal. If it is long term, does anyone in your family suffer from anxiety? Anxiety has a genetic component to it. Like all health conditions, the right combination of genetics and situational factors can trigger it. It runs in my family and I've always felt prone to it, but I did not experience debilitating anxiety until last year on the heels of a bad breakup.

 

I got through it by relying heavily on my friends and family for support. Because I didn't want to keep burdening them with the same stories, I turned to online support groups. Helping other people who experience the same thing has the additional benefit to you of practicing positive self-talk, which is extremely powerful. E.g. you were an independent, self-confident woman before this guy, and you will be again.

 

I also started practicing mindfulness. In basic terms, when your anxiety comes on, or you think about the triggers, shift your focus to your breathing. It is literally advised that you to think no further than the feeling of air flowing in and out of your nostrils. It's quite hard at first but really helps calm the mind after some practice.

 

Sorry if this didn't apply to you, but maybe it will help some lurkers too. Wish you the best.

[Learningtowalkagain]

I have anxiety. It gets bad during break ups. If it's manifesting into panic attacks and you feel it's starting to ruin your life go see a psychiatrist. There are good meds that can help even in the short term.

[La.Primavera]

I am writing on my lunch break. My supervisor is one of my best friends and she was the one of few colleagues who know about our relationship.

I am so sorry, Ken, that your wife did it to you while being on vacation.

Thank you all again for your answers. It is better know that people from outside think that I did best I can, because sometimes I had doubts maybe he wanted to stay friends? But I knowed from the first second: I can't be friends with him.

 

After the way he behaved, he doesn't deserve your friendship. He is untrustworthy and has shown a complete lack of empathy or respect for your feelings. You don't need friends like that.

[Gus Grimly]

I went to GNC and I bought an all natural day/night Anxiety relief supplement. I took double the recommended dose and it took the edge off. There were some nights I'd get hit by a massive wave of anxiety. I felt like I was suffocating and had the sensation of claustrophobia. It was really bad. Caused me to have insomnia which led to sleep deprivation. Started taking sleeping medicine. It caused me to lose weight, I'm crazy skinny now. It was horrible, probably the worst I've ever experienced. A total nightmare, I'm so grateful it's past me now though I still haven't had a peaceful night's rest in over a month since the breakup.

 

I know how you feel and I truly hope you will be okay. It's the worst feeling in the world and we definitely don't deserve to be punished like that. Take care and keep us posted on your progress.

[kenmore]

I am so sorry, Ken, that your wife did it to you while being on vacation.

 

Thank you! Same to you!

 

It is better know that people from outside think that I did best I can, because sometimes I had doubts maybe he wanted to stay friends? But I knowed from the first second: I can't be friends with him.

 

Ugh, when my wife started talking about divorce, the VERY first thing I told her is I won't just be friends. She has remained friends with all her exes (most were just BFs) and I knew like you did that the last thing I would want is to go visit, be nice and friendly, and do the small talk while knowing we could never be as close as we were. You definitely made the right choice there in my book!

[madde]

Your all support means so much to me! As I am pharmacist, I am using some herbals medictaions to relieve anxiety, using breathing tecniques as suggested learnbyliving. I hope this thread will help for others who is going through the same.

Wish you all the best!

[madde]

I remembered that today before 6 months was our first date. Wondering if he remember me after all? I am trying so hard to get him out of my head.

[madde]

Today is exactly one month after break up. I was going home from work through the park and burst in tears first time after 3 weeks. Godd that it was dark and no one saw me. I wish I could be old me that I was in January when I liked go home and be on my own very much.

Today one of my client asked me tenderly : Why your eyes look so sad last month? She smiled to me and said: Everything will be ok. I hardly held not to burst in tears at work.

I want to be angry on him the way he left me out of blue, but I can't do this. I miss him so much and want not to feel anything to him.

[jenlynn]

Hi Madde,

 

In reading your post and some of the aftermath- it really reminded me of my breakup in some ways. I moved to a new city and didn't know anyone and hadn't secured a job yet. People told be that I was 'brave' to do this but I've always had a quiet confidence. I was also content with myself and being on my own and taking care of myself. My ex pursued me and after a couple of months, I let myself be swept away. For the next almost 3 years everything was great (we lived together, had a dog, were happy (or so I thought) ) and he almost proposed but then he broke up with me.

 

On top of losing almost 20 lbs in a month after the b/u (lost a total of 40 in all), I also experienced anxiety for the first time in my life. I lost my appetite, couldn't concentrate, was lucky to sleep a few hours a night and found it very hard to stay motivated at my job.

 

I'm 9 months out of my b/u and I can say this has lessened a lot. About 6 weeks ago, I decided to put distance between us- apprx. 900 miles which might be helping- it's hard to gauge and I still have my days/moments. While I don't have to see him anymore, I have 'new' anxieties now- finding a new job, trying to assimilate back into my old hometown and not feeling like I fit in, trying to find housing, building a life w/o him, dealing with my new debt post-breakup.

 

I think what you are experiencing is normal but I do understand how it might be alarming. Funny thing was, in our relationship- my ex always had a bit of anxiety over things (work, getting to places on time, etc.) and I was the caring but cool as a cucumber personality. After the b/u, anxiety was a whole new territory for me. I've also had times of anger b/c I was so independent and content before I met him and in the end, he wreaked me (for awhile) and it's been really hard to put the pieces back together.

 

What has helped me:

- going to therapy and joining a support group

- venting to friends (but I felt I could only do that for so long)

- trying to keep structure as best as I could

- admitting when I wasn't doing well

- doing things that I didn't get to do as much in my relationship (ex: read more (he thought it was boring) and went on a tropical vacation (he doesn't like being really hot or lounging on the beach)

- spending time with my/our dog

- trying to make new friends even if it didn't work out (in short, putting myself out there)

- and the newest, setting boundaries (ex: letting my ex know that I left and I then going NC) also known as, losing a bit of my good girl syndrome

 

Hope this helps a bit.

[madde]

Hi,Jenlynn

Thanks for your response. I have read some good thoughts from your post. Seems that you are doing very well, brave girl!

Sometimes it just emotions that leads you not your mind..

[JDPT]

Anxiety is a normal biological reaction to the trauma that you have experienced. In time and with a significant amount of effort set forth on your behalf, you'll be able to move pass this and view it as a life learning experience. Be gentle, and allow yourself to process your emotions,.

[aloneinaz]

I've always viewed anxiety as your stress bucket overfills and then provides the anxiety. People I know who've gone thru a spell of anxiety have gotten divorced, a break up, job loss, death in the family, etc.. These are all VERY stress inducing events.

 

 

When you're feeling anxiety, the real key is to not give those sensations any power or let them scare you. Yes it's hard but simply tell yourself "ok, my body is mis-firing and dumping some un-needed adrenaline. I just need to relax, focus on positive thoughts and it will pass".

 

 

Things you can do to get immediate relief include-

 

 

* Start exercising. Cardo is good to burn off stress and adrenaline.

* Be mindful of what you're eating and drinking. When under a lot of stress, caffeine can exasperate anxiety symptoms. Alcohol can also cause anxiety the next day as your body withdrawls.

* Eat good food and drinks lots of water. Junk food and sugar is bad.

* There's lots of new evidence that fake sugars can create or worsen anxiety symptoms. Think aspartame, splinda, etc..

 

 

The key is to try and review your life and figure out what your daily stressor are. Write them down. What can you change to reduce your stress levels?

 

 

As everyone has stated, in all likelihood, these anxiety feelings will ease as time goes by from the break up. It's going to take some time but focus on some of the suggestions I proposed and they will ease up.

[kenmore]

Things you can do to get immediate relief include-

 

 

* Start exercising. Cardo is good to burn off stress and adrenaline.

* Be mindful of what you're eating and drinking. When under a lot of stress, caffeine can exasperate anxiety symptoms. Alcohol can also cause anxiety the next day as your body withdrawls.

* Eat good food and drinks lots of water. Junk food and sugar is bad.

* There's lots of new evidence that fake sugars can create or worsen anxiety symptoms. Think aspartame, splinda, etc..

 

Geez, no wonder I'm so anxious all the time, I fail every one of those tests!

 

Fortunately, my high blood pressure medicine "Atenolol" seems to suppress it and regulates my irregular heartbeat to boot. Guess I'm in the clear!

[madde]

Little update.

As you all said anxiety is getting smaller day by day. Last week we have summer courses in our corporation and eventually I found out he is moving to his hometown because of his parents. I also found out it was his parents that didn't accept that his son is together with older woman, that he is too young for relationship. Yes, it hurts. Also hurts that he didn't protect our relationship against his parents. One day I feel anxiety, then anger, then sadness. Today is 41 days since break up.

P.s. I got sertificate as one of 10 best workers in our corporation. It made me smile for today.

[madde]

No I didn't talk to him. I found out information from colleague who thought I must know it because break up was so suddenly and out of blue. I'm holding to NC.