Suicidal Thoughts but no Action

[HandsomeBoh]

Hi guys,

 

My girlfriend of 3 years left me quite suddenly 1 month ago because she said she didn't like my personality. Didn't NC straight away, and I've been regretting it ever since.

 

Recently I've gotten a bit concerned by some of the thoughts entering my head. In painful moments, like my birthday, or important events, or holidays I'm spending alone, or really just some mornings, I'm suddenly struck by a sudden desire to kill myself. It's not strong, and I would never act on it, but its definitely there.

 

I have good friends aplenty, a loving and supporting family, an incredibly prestigious university waiting for me, a great job with a lot of responsibilities and people to account for (and hence I can't see a psychiatrist), a world tour planned, I'm fairly good-looking, intelligent and physically fit. Basically, apart from the fact that the love of my life left me, my life would be the envy of most people, which is why I would never kill myself for real. I think.

 

I also get that my death would affect a lot of people in bad ways. My close friends and parents who have been counselling me would no doubt feel guilty that they didn't manage to prevent it. And my ex would definitely feel responsible and I'm not even sure she could live with it, and I do want her to be happy because I'm still in love with her. I acknowledge my personality flaws and I've been trying really hard to work on them, with generally successful results. So I wouldn't be selfish and actually go ahead with it. Definitely not.

 

I think maybe it's just a subconscious call for attention, someone to love me. Or maybe my mind is trying to emotionally blackmail her to come back. Which is the last thing that could ever make her come back. How do I get rid of it?

[Ariess10]

Don't make a permanent solution , to a temporary problem

[fireflywy]

Well, first off, how old are you?

 

As for getting rid of it, and this will always sound cliché, you have to focus on all of those positive things and do them everyday. In focusing on them, you need to realize that you had worth before her, you had worth with her, you have worth regardless of whatever she says, and you will have worth for the rest of your life and long after you're gone to those who you touched.

 

If you're young, (I'm guessing you're in your early twenties) you should know that many people will never have the ability to control their responses or words in an appropriate manner and may lash out from whatever sense they feel justified in doing. In fact, we all will and do in our own little ways. So, with that said, you can use her words for reflection and change if you see some of what she said, but NEVER let her words be considered the final judgment of you.

 

Now, if you're a young man, and you realize that you have changes to make, then you are truly on a path of wisdom. Carl Jung would call this the hero's journey. All those myths and legends you read about from Odyesseus to Luke Skywalker (What's in the cave? Yoda: Only what YOU take with you) are symols of this greater journey where sometimes we face what is called the shadows in ourselves. If there is shadow or quirks you need to work on, don't be afraid of doing so, you'll have amazing things come from it and you'll see that sometimes it has purpose which you can utilize for greater things. I only say this because you needn't ever go too deep in saying you're a bad person enough to end it. Trust me, you're certainly not!

 

Now, very last point, and I've been ssying this a lot to some people on here because I see this shadow in myself and I always throw it out in case someone is dating another who they consider super attractive. Id for any reason, you dated a woman who was a looker and you want her attention because you don't want anyone else to have her or think you'll never have someone like that again, dispel that thought from your mind right now. Sometimes people get so caught up on image and project good qualities on people who are externally desireable and they get stuck when they should be focusing on who the person really was.

[Ariess10]

Looks fade my friend

[fireflywy]

So in the end, focus on the positive, cut yourself some slack, and visualize the great future you have coming to you. There's no need for revenge or spite, she has her life, you have yours, and it sounds like you've got a fantastic one in store!

[Satu]

Many people contemplate suicide in moments of great distress.

 

It's not abnormal, just a barometer of your distress.

 

 

Here is something I put together for myself, but I think that some of it might be useful for you.

 

 

1. Recognise that you're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 2 litres a day for a male.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to.

 

 

Take care.

[salparadise]

I think maybe it's just a subconscious call for attention, someone to love me. Or maybe my mind is trying to emotionally blackmail her to come back. Which is the last thing that could ever make her come back. How do I get rid of it?

 

These are good awarenesses. Many people have passing suicidal ideations at some point when life gets tough, but like you, they know they want to live and will not act on them. However, it's important to know that a significant percentage suicide survivors say they acted within minutes of deciding. So remove that possibility by removing highly lethal means (firearms, drugs, blades) from your environment.

 

Promise yourself that you will seek help if ideations get stronger or more frequent. Call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1 (800) 273-8255 and talk to a person trained to help. You can remain anonymous, and they will be empathetic, non-judgmental. There are also many local hotlines if you prefer.

 

You would be considered low risk based on what you've posted, but talking to a trained professional or volunteer will probably feel like a huge relief, and lower the stress and anxiety. They will help you identify coping mechanisms too.

 

The grief over the loss of the relationship is difficult for sure, but it will pass and you will have opportunities to love again. You realize how it would affect those who love and care about you, and you're looking forward to a bright future. You have so many reasons to embrace life. Talking to someone will help. All the best to you-

 

PS: Agree with Satu's advice about not self-medicating. It increases risk.

Edited August 5, 2015 by salparadise

[HandsomeBoh]

Thanks everyone, the impulse seems to have faded, but I'm still afraid it'll come back later. One issue I am facing is that I feel I'm not allowed to have these emotions, and it adds a secondary layer of guilt to everything. I suppose it's something like how fathers feel... I hold a commander position in the military, and I'm directly in charge of the welfare, training and morale of 40 men. I feel that even though I'm just 20 years old, I have to put up an indomitable front. So far, they haven't caught on to me, but it eats away at me from the inside.

 

I've let her impression of me destroy me and my self-confidence. I need to gain it back, be the person I really hope to be so that even if she doesn't take me back, I'll be ready for the next person in my life.

 

I made the mistake of using her as my pillar of emotional support through everything I faced in life. It gave me super strength and the determination to face everything that life threw at me, but in the long run, unknown to me, I think it ate away at her patience and ability to continue supporting me. I'm going to need to learn to rely on myself to give me strength. I still don't think that's a good reason not to try to get her back after I've managed to sort out these problems, but the common consensus is that that is a terrible idea.

[salparadise]

You need someone to talk to who will listen and not judge. Who can help you see different perspectives, and help find better ways to cope. Bottling stuff up makes it worse. Granted you need to play the role in your professional life, but that doesn't mean you can't get a good counselor/therapist, or even call a hotline anonymously when you need to talk. Going through a breakup can be hard. Reach out to someone. It's the healthy way.

[fireflywy]

Thanks everyone, the impulse seems to have faded, but I'm still afraid it'll come back later. One issue I am facing is that I feel I'm not allowed to have these emotions, and it adds a secondary layer of guilt to everything. I suppose it's something like how fathers feel... I hold a commander position in the military, and I'm directly in charge of the welfare, training and morale of 40 men. I feel that even though I'm just 20 years old, I have to put up an indomitable front. So far, they haven't caught on to me, but it eats away at me from the inside.

 

I've let her impression of me destroy me and my self-confidence. I need to gain it back, be the person I really hope to be so that even if she doesn't take me back, I'll be ready for the next person in my life.

 

I made the mistake of using her as my pillar of emotional support through everything I faced in life. It gave me super strength and the determination to face everything that life threw at me, but in the long run, unknown to me, I think it ate away at her patience and ability to continue supporting me. I'm going to need to learn to rely on myself to give me strength. I still don't think that's a good reason not to try to get her back after I've managed to sort out these problems, but the common consensus is that that is a terrible idea.

 

You're allowed to have your emotions even the worst of them. Work through them by, when you can, observing them as if you are standing outside of a viewing room and then you can gain some control. Its okay.

 

As for your emotional attachment to her, you should read (I recommend this a lot) the book "Attached: The New Science of Relationships" as it may help you discover what activates your attachment mechanism to another when they act certain ways. Its not the answer you're looking for, but sincd you're 20 and are already being introspective, this will put you WAY ahead of the game in sorting out people best suited to you in the future as you do your inner work.

 

And lastly, I just told this to another poster "This is first day of the rest of your life." Make it the best first day you possibly can.

[HandsomeBoh]

Hi guys so I've been to a psychiatrist, and I've been diagnosed with mild chronic depression. It seems likely that I've had this for a very long time, and its more than likely that this caused the breakup itself by making me constantly negative and giving me depressive mood swings. What I want to ask is that now that I'm receiving treatment and therapy for it, do you think she might see that this is a very curable disease and decide to support me through it? I get that she has no commitment or obligation, and that it would be exhausting for her, but she's always been caring and compassionate. And I do want her back in my life, and I'm a 100% committed to the recovery process.

 

So far I've managed to reach a stage of self-awareness when it comes to my mood swings so I know how to take advantage of the happy swing to accomplish great things and how to mitigate and seek help during the downwards swing. I really hate having this depression, but I have to accept that it can never be cured, and all I can do is learn to lessen its effects.