redglass Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Hello, I could really do with some advice, hoping you guys can help me a little bit. My best friend's boyfriend has just died. It was completely unexpected - no sign of illness and certainly no abuse of anything. Police found that his post-mortem was inconclusive, but it seems it may have been a heart attack. They were together for seven years. I knew him quite well, but I know her much better. I've stayed with her for several nights but she's inconsolable. Has anybody experienced this? Any advice? Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Just keep hugging her. There are no words. She has to grieve & she's going to do that at her own pace. It's a shock & will take time. Just listen & be supportive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author redglass Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 Just keep hugging her. There are no words. She has to grieve & she's going to do that at her own pace. It's a shock & will take time. Just listen & be supportive. Thanks for the swift reply. I'm doing what I can. I'm driving her family to the funeral. She was already rather fragile so I'm really quite scared. So far she's doing OK but it seems like a crazy time Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 bereavement counselling may help, poor girl, it is terriby sad event, broken hearts heal in time, but i think try a counsellor 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author redglass Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 bereavement counselling may help, poor girl, it is terriby sad event, broken hearts heal in time, but i think try a counsellor I've suggested that but she just gets worked up. I can't seem to get through to her. How can I help her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author redglass Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 Just keep hugging her. There are no words. She has to grieve & she's going to do that at her own pace. It's a shock & will take time. Just listen & be supportive. Thanks. I've tried. She just looks at me as if I'm a moron. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 You say that you are driving her family to the funeral. To me that indicates the funeral hasn't happened meaning the death is rather recent. At this point, so soon after the event she does not need grief counseling. She's supposed to be upset. Her whole world just slid off it's axis. She gets to scream & cry & be lost for a while . . .probably at least a year. If during that time she doesn't seem to be getting better, then grief counseling may be appropriate. My EX BF died & I felt like I was walking around in pudding. It was surreal. The feeling didn't go away for several months. If they were together for a while, she probably feels like a widow, without the paperwork or the benefits. Make sure she heats. Hug her. Shut up about the grief counselor and just be her friend. Let her take all the time she needs. Realize now there will be flare ups at Christmas, their anniversary, his birthday etc. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Why is this in the coping section? Link to post Share on other sites
Poppyolive Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 You're being an awesome friend. Staying with her, cooking her meals, music, movies, make her bubble baths... Just being there. Support her through this crazy emotional sad time. Please take care of yourself too. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
avintagegirl Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I've suggested that but she just gets worked up. I can't seem to get through to her. How can I help her? Don't suggest she do anything but let out out her grief. When my father died I had a lot of people telling me what I should be doing. This is her time to do exactly what she she should be: grieving. Thanks. I've tried. She just looks at me as if I'm a moron. Of course she does. She is thinking you don't understand and she is right, you don't. I am not trying to be mean but I think all too often we try to understand the grief of other people when it is not possible. Her grief will go on for a long time, especially with the results as they were. To not know will be excruciating. I knew why my dad died and it wasnt wholly unexpected. Yet in the car on my way to the grave, I stopped breathing. I had to be physically shook before I started breathing again. My best advice is to do what you are doing. Support her in every way. Make sure she is eating, breathing, and sitting when she needs it. She may treat you like crap for awhile because you are close to her. Just know its those moments she needs you the most. Best of luck to the both of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jonp219 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I can't even imagine what she must be going through at this horrible moment. Just stay with her, talk to her, and listen to her. Don't leave her side and make sure someone is with her at all times. Be strong for her and make sure she's treating herself well during this whole ordeal. My thoughts are with you and your friend during this difficult moment. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 (edited) bereavement counselling may help, poor girl, it is terriby sad event, broken hearts heal in time, but i think try a counsellor True, but you also have to beware of broken heart syndrome. Its a real syndrome and can actually stress the heart. And yeah, the counseling is a must but if she won't do it and gets angry, then do the best you can for her and let her grieve as she will. My heart breaks for her. I can't even imagine what she must be going through at this horrible moment. Just stay with her, talk to her, and listen to her. Don't leave her side and make sure someone is with her at all times. Be strong for her and make sure she's treating herself well during this whole ordeal. My thoughts are with you and your friend during this difficult moment. Jon is right. Don't let her be alone. Edited August 4, 2015 by fireflywy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Why is this in the coping section? Same reason any of the posts that are here are here, coping with the loss of a relationship be it either mutual breakup, unwanted break up, cheating, or having a loved one taken from us for some other reason. Plus, her friend will hit the same stages of grief that exist for many here and so many people here have great insight. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Why is this in the coping section? From the Sub-forum header: Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss. I think that covers it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Just be there for her. One thing that I think helps is for you not to worry or concern yourself with saying the right thing or trying to come up with something to say that'll console her. Nothing anyone can say is going to do that at this point. She's heartbroken and in utter shock so the best thing you can do for her is just to be present and there if she needs you. If you see that she's being surrounded by people and can tell she doesn't want to talk to them you can step in and say that you need her for something so that she doesn't have to deal with that herself. I think the best thing you can do is tell her that if she needs to get away for a couple minutes during the services you will sit with her. Even if you just sit there in silence, you're her best friend and you just being there is comfort enough. If she just wants to be alone and cry, help her find a few minutes to be by herself and ensure no one bothers her. Also don't say things like "he's in a better place now", or "we might not understand but it's part of Gods plan", or "heaven gained an angel". If she is not a religious person. I know from experience that people who aren't very religious absolutely hate when people say these remarks to them when their everything just died. The better place would be here with her, that plan sucks, etc. Yes people are just trying to be nice and offer some sort of consolation but it's so much better to just tell her things like "I cannot imagine what you are going through, I'm so sorry and i love you so much" and just hug and hold her. Trying to say something more in depth than that is just going to make her feel more and more surreal and overwhelmed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 When my best friend's mother died (and they were so close) I saw her on the morning after, at the school gates, bringing her kids to school. She was surrounded by well-meaning and affectionate friends, who were all offering their condolences, but as is usual, had no idea what to say. Death is still an 'embarrassing' subject for some. I approached her, and as I did, she smiled tearfully at me. I just hugged her, until SHE let go. I squeezed her hand, and then left. She told me later that that hug had meant more to her, in that moment, than all of any words I might have said. Actions speak louder than Words. How very, very true..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 And yeah, the counseling is a must but if she won't do it and gets angry, then do the best you can for her and let her grieve as she will. Don't let her be alone. Totally disagree that counseling is a must. Grief is an emotion just like being happy or sad or angry. In the immediate aftermath of his death especially during the 1st few months, the survivors need to be sad. They need to experience & mourn the loss. Death is a part of life. It's sad & we feel shock or empty but it's not unusual. The person doesn't immediately need counseling simply because they are crying at a funeral. They certainly don't need meds. She can also be alone. She's grieving not suicidal. After my EX's funeral, I just wanted some peace after a while. I wanted all the well meaning friends & family to get out of my house so I could quiet my environment & my head. Do check on friends who have experienced loss. Help them. Love them. Listen to them but there is no need to smother them. Realize you can't "fix" this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 The only time those grieving may need counselling (emphasis on the 'may') is when it becomes obvious that they're NOT managing to move on, are in a perpetual state of depression and grief, and seem a shadow of their former selves. This is not immediately obvious, but I would say, give people a good six months to a year, depending on their base personality. After that, observe and note.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 (edited) the counsellor can not bring her boyf back, i think this is why she says no however counsellors know things, ask some about the stuff they say and use their ideas, in this way, OP has support too, at some point, the girl will need an outing to somewhere good, a club, a restaurant, shops, a weekend break (i see too much staying in and brooding) Edited August 4, 2015 by darkmoon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 (edited) Totally disagree that counseling is a must. Grief is an emotion just like being happy or sad or angry. In the immediate aftermath of his death especially during the 1st few months, the survivors need to be sad. They need to experience & mourn the loss. Death is a part of life. It's sad & we feel shock or empty but it's not unusual. The person doesn't immediately need counseling simply because they are crying at a funeral. They certainly don't need meds. She can also be alone. She's grieving not suicidal. After my EX's funeral, I just wanted some peace after a while. I wanted all the well meaning friends & family to get out of my house so I could quiet my environment & my head. Do check on friends who have experienced loss. Help them. Love them. Listen to them but there is no need to smother them. Realize you can't "fix" this. After reading your comment, and how recent the loss occurred (after I posted and it was late), I would have to agree with you. I only recommended that because the OP said that her friend was already quite fragile before tye loss and that the OP was really scared for her. Normally, people aren't scared for their friends when their friends are grieving, (concerned, empathetic, supportive, yes). Those words just raised red flags to me, and hence formed my initial recommendation. Edited August 4, 2015 by fireflywy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author redglass Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 Can I thank everybody so much for the advice and kind words. I had something of a mini breakdown today (looks like I'll be posting about myself at some point as lots more has been going on!) and actually had to go to the doctors. I think being strong for my friend has taken its toll - although I of course won't stop doing that! The posts in this thread have really helped and it's full of great advice. Thank you, everybody. Link to post Share on other sites
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