Almost 3 years apart & still angry & hurt, but I miss him

[gant77]

I was with John for almost 6 years. We met through a mutual friend. She told me that he was a virgin and never had a girlfriend

 

I'm using my phone due to not having internet access. I had written a lengthy post and my finger slid, hit something and all of what I had written with the exception of what posted, disappeared. John had decided to not talk to girls because he wanted to focus on making and saving money. He also said he was afraid of girls. His job as a fire extinguisher technician paid very well and gave him benefits. He was extremely responsible, paid his bills early and bought things for good parents house where he was living. He paid for brand new kitchen cabinets, brand new dishwasher, and a HE front loading washer and dryer set. He had multiple vehicles and took great care of them. He and I spent all of our time together, we were virtually inseparable. After just a couple months I practically lived there, I had a dresser and I kept a set of shampoo and conditioner along with body wash and other bath stuff. He was very good to me wanting to make sure I was happy with him. He would take me out often and wanted me to go with him every where he went. He asked me to marry him soon after we became a couple. His family was happy, I believe his mom had a problem with me, seeing me as someone who was taking her son away from her. He is very close to his mom and went to her anytime we had a issue be it small or big. He would tell her my private business sometimes. I had a talk with him and he stopped telling her our private problems.

 

He would address me as his wife and told anyone he could glee much he loved me, how happy I made him, and how we were getting married. He wanted his family to come with us on our dates, I had to tell him that we needed our own time together to build our relationship and build a strong bond because at some point it would just be us two depending on just each other. His parents also had a talk with him about it, saying they appreciated being asked to go but it should be just him and I, and there were other tubes that we would go out together. He asked me one day if I wanted to rent a house with him so we could live and be together all the time. I had some concerns and I told him that since I had lived in my own before there needed to be rules in place in regards to family and friends visiting us. I told him they all needed to call first and I didn't want to come home to a house full of people and it be dirty.no one coming over late and everyone had to leave by 9 on work nights. The same rules applied to my friends and family which respected us and our rules. His friends and family did not. They would eat and drink anything they wanted without asking. Left messes and did not pick up after themselves. I had to put my foot down when I came home after work and the house was full of people and they did not offer me a seat in my own house, they just sat there looking like idiots. John had to tell one of them to get up so I could sit down. He had a talk with everyone and things got better. We would have BBQ's and celebrated the 4th of july with a large amount of fireworks. One day wet got into a small argument that snowballed into a situation that ended up with him kicking me out. I didn't fight him on it and went to my dad's to get his truck. On my way there John called me and apologized asking me to please come back home. I said no, and told him if he was that quick to kick me out over what started as a small argument then he could kick me out over anything at any time.

He was not happy at all and he moved back home soon after because he did not like being alone without me.

 

About a year after that we discussed starting a family, and we wanted kids as soon as possible. I was at home one day and my dog jumped on me and landed on my abdomen which caused a very sharp pain. I screamed so loud the dog ran from me and my dad came into my room to see what was wrong. I went to the Dr. And it was diagnosed as a very large fibroid tumour which was displacing some of my organs and was the size of a seven month old fetus. I had the surgery and was cleared to have kids. After six months with no pregnancies, I suggested John get a test for a count. He did the test and was later informed that he was completely sterile. We were devastated, but we accepted it add best as we could. He was more hurt by it than I was. It caused us to become even closer and love each other more. We both believed that we would be together until one of us died when I had my surgery he was in charge of making the decisions regarding life support and other emergencies. When he had to have surgery as well, I was his person for those decisions. We had no problems putting our lives in each other's hands. Even though we weren't married yet we acted as if we were. Everything with us felt natural and realistic. It felt right.

 

Basically we were together for almost 6 years.

 

My dad is an alcoholic and it got worse the last couple of months John and I were together. I was working at night and had to go to my house to check on my dad as he had fallen a few times. I also had to feed the dogs and cats, clean up the kitchen, and make sure my dad ate something. John wanted me too come to his parents house when I.got off work before going to my dad's.I told him that I had to check on my dad first. He told me that I took to long and would be asleep by the time I was done. He works as a school bus driver so he gets up early. I asked him to meet me at my house, I lived with my dad, and to hang out with me while I took care the house. He refused, it wasn't a location issue, he lived 5 minutes away. He had become friends with a girl during training that was in his class, I was ok with it, I.trusted him. After the discussion about coming to my house it wasn't brought up again, I thought everything was ok. My dad suddenly cut back on the drinking and I didn't have to go home right after work and I changed my schedule to get off at a reasonable hour. I told John all this and he seemed happy about it. A few days passed and I called him after work and asked if he wanted to go out, he told me that he had to stay at the school and help with something on the buses. I said ok and didn't think anything of it. I talked to him the next day and tried to make plans again, he told me he was helping out at the yard and wouldn't be able to go anywhere. He was acting different and we weren't talking everyday like we used to. He finally had me come over about a week later (if I remember correctly. It was almost 3 years ago, but I know it was happening pretty quick) I went over and we were hanging out in the garage, he went to get something in the house and left, his dad came in and told me he wanted to talk to me. He said that I needed to choose either John or my dad. I explained the situation and that it had changed and I had been trying to get back to how it was but John was really busy now. I don't really remember how it "ended" as he never said that he was breaking up with me, it just ended, all of a sudden He stopped calling me and wouldn't answer when I called him a week or so later we talked and he said that there were things I needed to

 

do if we were going to get back together. I agreed since they were simple requests. One was to stop saying and thinking his mom didn't like me. I said ok, that it'll be hard but I can work on. Believing that she did like me. During our conversation he told me something that his mom had said involving me, it wasn't mean but I could tell she wasn't being nice. I couldn't help it and I Couldn't stop myself from saying it but I said see your mom doesn't like me. He then said that, that was it and we couldn't get back together because I was never going to believe him and we just needed to not be together or something like that. I don't remember the exact words he used. A short time later we got back into communication and he asked me to have lunch with him. I said yes thinking that I may have a chance again. I tested his feelings by saying I was going to talk to the guys at the next table. He said go ahead, I don't care what you do. I think I asked him if he was seeing someone and he said yes I then asked if it was the girl from bis class and he admitted that he had been talking to her the whole time he had been there. I was extremely upset and he drove us back to the house and even asked me if he could still sleep with me, I said hell no. I asked why he wanted to cheat on her and he said he wanted two girls and have me on the side. I was to angry to remember what else was said. I know that I cussed him out. A short time passed and I moved out of my dads house, somehow I came into contact with john again and he came to see my apartment. I don't remember what was talked about, I have to admit that I did sleep with him. He left and didn't call or text me for a couple weeks, then he sent me a picture of his private parts, I do not know why because he is very small and was very ashamed of it. I'm not being bitter or lying. He is very very small. I was livid because he was in their bed and he was still using the bedding I bought for our home. I left it alone. I don't remember the time frame but it wasn't that long after the picture fiasco that I ended up getting a Facebook friend request from him. I opened it and the first thing I saw was a picture of him and her at pier 39. His status said engaged. I didn't look at the rest of

 

the page as I was devastated. I called him and he sent me to voicemail and I cussed him out and said that if he contacted me again I would send her the pic and post it on Facebook.

 

I blocked him from my page. My friend came by and I told her what he did and she called Him and he sent her to voicemail too. She had choice words for him. It was then over.

 

In total since my friend left that message I conversed with him 2-3 times. It was just to say hi and ask if I had met anyone yet. I told him no and he said that would. It was done by email. January 2014 I received a text from him and I don't remember it other than he was basically asking me to sleep with him again. I said no. He then said he would text me back later. I've never heard from him again since.

 

I didn't process the breakup of our relationship and loss of my fiance. Before it went bad we had started looking at houses and land, the plan being we, his parents, along with the sister were going to buy the type of house that you pick out of a catalog and they build it. I think he called it a pre-fab. His parents were getting one for themselves and one for the sister. We were going to put them on the piece of acreage that was going to be purchased. They put that on hold when the oldest brother passed away from cancer. About 3 months ago I was hit with a sudden realization that John had been gone for almost 3 years, and I was alone, almost 40, no kids, and my dad was getting old. He is 70, & had talked to me earlier about dying and I needed to start taking care of myself cause he wasn't going to always be around. I broke down and could not believe that he really had left me and never tried to get back with me. I had told myself in the beginning that he would come back and was just doing it because he was mad and couldn't really love anyone but me. That's why I didn't freak out over the loss. When I kept thinking about it the worse it got. Everyone I know has a significant other some even engaged. I had dated a couple guys, but nothing serious. I was realizing that my future was now gone. The fiance has taken my place and would never be alone, he'd never leave her. She would never have to worry about a home, food, bills, and love. She would marry him and they'd be happy forever. I am alone, and the house that my dad was leaving to me so I would never be homeless has to be sold when he passes to pay the mortgages. I have a hard time keeping a job, so I run the risk of being homeless. John knew my fears and wanted to marry me to alleviate them. He said that I didn't have to worry because he wouldn't let it happen. He planned on us being like his parents, and stay married forever. They don't believe in divorce. It kills me that he didn't come back or even try. He acted like he truly didn't care about me anymore and didn't care what would happen to me. We spent almost 6 years together, virtually inseparable, creating what I thought was a unbreakable bond, he told everyone he loved me and that he was going to marry me. He even addressed me as his wife to his family and friends. I dont know what I did that was so bad he decided that he couldn't make me his wife and live the rest of his life with me. My life has been nothing but problem after problem. My dad got remarried to a woman that doesn't like me and is trying to get my dad to cut me off and let me lose my apartment and live in my car. I lost the good job I had for five years, and have gone through 4 other jobs the longest lasting 9 months. Ive been unemployed now for about 6 months. I became a alcoholic and was drinking a half gallon of fireball and to fourlocos a day, for a month straight. I detoxed by myself, 9 days of hell. I've been sober since. I gained so much weight I went from a size 6 to a 12 In a Month. I stopped showering for a while. My house became a dump, and I stopped taking proper care of my pets. Days with no food or water and let the litter box overflow. I couldn't function with how drunk I was 24/7 I shook so bad I had to have thev cashiers put my pin number in because I couldnt press the buttons. They even told me I should stop drinking.

 

I'm sorry for writing so darn much. If you stayed till the end of the post you deserve an award. I just dont get why he changed into a unrecognizable person and flat out stopped all feelings for me and acts like I never existed.

Edited August 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Reels]

When you had talked to him last time?

[gant77]

His girlfriend is his only follower. Im crying and shaking

[kenmore]

Gant, your story is heartbreaking. Yes I read the whole thing. I actually came here now today because I was going to post about myself but I got sidetracked by your thread.

 

I wish to tell you something now and I hope you can somehow take it to heart. John is a jerk! You were saved a lifetime (potentially) of woe because he is gone, you need to see the positive side of the breakup. Think about some of what you said: He is with this other woman (the bus woman) but he wants to sleep with you. He cheated on you with her...what does that tell you? How do you think he would have treated you if you two got married and had little cats and a nice white Pickett fence? I said (potentially) above because you most likely would not have lived happily ever after, he is a disaster waiting to happen. Your marriage most likely would have ended as soon as you found out he's a cheating sleazeball.

 

Your drinking, lack of long-term employment, hygiene issues, weight gain are all caused by you being depressed and I totally get that. It's a horrible thing, but it is temporary. You will love again and be happy again.

 

Reading your post, a theme kept popping into my head. You are the "normal" one and he's the problem. Your ground rules are perfectly reasonable and he has his family over messing up the place? He wants to plant a house on a plot of land with two other houses both belonging to his family? He "goes to get something" as a cue for his DAD to come in and "give you the talk?" He hides behind his family and will never be separate from them as long as they are alive. Would you really have been happy living your life like that?

 

No, you escaped a nightmare. Consider yourself lucky.

 

Now I know you are hurting inside. You feel you will always be alone, you're in your late 30's and it seems the world is passing you by. Trust me, I know what that feels like! I'm in my mid-50's and I'm starting completely from scratch AGAIN! (which is one of the reasons I came in here to post about my general feeling of despair today), but you are letting this loser get to you too much.

 

You have a lot to offer and you will get your life together. You are taking positive steps! You went through a period of drink, but cleaned yourself up. You will get some independence from your dad because it's being forced upon you but that's a good thing! In the long run you will be much better off independent because many of your problems have been caused by others (not least of which is your own dad.)

 

Don't feel frightened by being alone. It's true you need to get a job and hold onto it. I'm sure your drinking didn't help that situation much. Your previous job was for five years, that's not too bad. Can you get a job in a similar industry? Can you use them as a reference? Maybe get what job you can and go back to school to get a degree.

 

My point is, yes it can be lonely and frightening. HUGS! It can also be a blessing and losing this John freak is the best thing that happened to you...maybe your whole life!

 

All my best.

 

Ken

[gant77]

Hi Ken, thank you for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate it so much. I'm just now calming down a bit. Trying to not cry after reading your kind words. I was very angry and my friend let me scream out all my anger I have for him. I have gone through crap relationships and thought that the person was truly evil and no one could be more evil. What John did to me was something that I didn't know was capable from even the most evil of people. The sudden realization of 6 years of lies, are beyond exhausting. I've never felt such anger and it's scary. I thought that I had already experienced the worst betrayal from my first love, his name is Alonzo. The difference is that I didn't feel this anger towards him, it was pain of losing my best friend, my first love. He got another girl pregnant and left me because she was going to keep the baby from him if he didn't. I was totally broken and devastated. It took nearly 10 years to feel ok again. He was apologetic for what had happened and I behaved him. His honesty helped allot. Alonzo is the only other person that seriously talked about marriage. We wanted to succeed as a couple. He's the complete opposite of John, no job, I supported him, I loved him. I can honestly say that I know he loved me. I forgave him years down the line and I hold no anger or hate for him in any way, shape, or form. I was able to say I love him and that felt good. With John, I see more and more that nothing he said or did was truthful. He was nothing but false and I will never forgive him for that. He chose me as his first everything and he has no excuses to blame his actions on. He wasn't hurt, or lied to, or betrayed by someone who he gave his heart to. How someone can be so truly evil is beyond my comprehension. I did none of the things that would cause someone to feel the need to tear down and demolish the one that loved them. I have no idea of where he learned that behavior and how easily he spoke those lies, knowing that it was all fake concerns me.

 

I am trying to get back to a feeling of being sure of things. I'm not going to be super happy or secure for a while. I'm still recovering from my drinking and severe depression. I take care of my responsibilities but I have this reluctance in all I do. I keep trying to shake it, but it's stubbornly hanging on. I hate that I allowed myself to get this low. I guess I had been denying to myself that things were that bad. At this point it's going to be an interesting journey getting back to my old self, being the person I know I am feels good. This time though I won't be offering forgiveness or sympathy or understanding. That's not like me so it's going to be difficult, I don't want to only see the bad in someone. Unfortunately, I think that's all that he has in him.

 

I found Alonzo on Facebook and I'm happy to be able to say I'm truly happy for him. He has been married for 14 years, has a bunch of cute kids, and he's in love. I'm glad that he is happy. Of course I wish he and I had worked out, but it wasn't meant to. I'm ok with that. I don't know if he'll contact me, it would be nice to say hi and tell him that I'm happy for him. In the end, regardless of how John treated me, he didn't succeed in breaking me. I will still love and I refuse to carry the scars he gave me everyday and give them to the next man. I've prided myself on not taking things out on the next relationship. I never understood how people can do that. I feel happiness, security, butterflies, eagerness, warmth and all the good feelings again. I do feel the disappointment of knowing that I will feel a lifetime of anger towards John, he'll never know about it, I know that it would make me feel better to tell him how much I truly hate him and hate everything he is and will be. I won't waste the brain cells. I decided to go to a friends house instead of just sitting on the couch and find excuses to get angry again or cry or who knows. I told my friend that I have no interest in discussing my little performance this afternoon, hopefully he won't bring it up. I can very easily just change the subject. I'm ready to heal and love again.

[kenmore]

Yeah, I can see that your biggest problem now is that it feels like everything is crashing down on you now because you had been in denial about it for so long. Three years and I can tell it's really just hitting you. I'm so sorry. I'm glad to hear that you are feeling the anger and finding ways of letting it out (if I told you about all the times I was driving to work and just screaming about my ex to get the anger out, you would either laugh or have serious concerns about me causing an aneurysm.) BTW, it's not a bad way to go, there are no witnesses other than the folks driving by seeing you screaming in an otherwise empty car.

 

You will find as you post here (welcome here by the way) that what you're feeling is perfectly normal. I have serious concerns over my ability to trust again. I feel my wife lied to me about her feelings and our security together until the one day she just said she was done. I really thought we would be together until one of us died. How can I feel like that again? The answer seems to be that nobody can ever be sure, but most people are a bit more honest about it so a general lack of trust isn't fair.

 

However, you did say how you could never understand how someone can bring harm into a new relationship based on their previous relationship, and I think that's exactly how. By bringing in hard feelings and insecurity. If you can keep yourself from doing that, my hat's off to you. It may not be as easy as you think because all of this (all of everything in life) is a learning platform and you did learn things. Those will stick with you no matter what, but if you can use it in a positive way that's just awesome! I like to think I can too...we'll see.

 

I do hope you are feeling a little better. Maybe after a big emotional release like screaming for awhile, a nice cry might be just the thing. I feel this place can be very helpful and you seem like you could use some positive vibes about now. I think you are doing great regarding the healing just recently and that you will move through the steps fairly quickly. All the more so since your denial delayed your grieving for so long. There will always be backward steps (like I am feeling today), but as long as the trend is in the right direction you will feel a little better every day on the average. That's something to look forward to! Another hug!

 

Ken

[Morphine]

Dear God. 3 years? I am sorry but it is time that YOU do something about it!!! Go out there, find new guy, enjoy yourself! Sometimes you must help the TIME to so the healing. TIME isnt always enough.

[Qboro90]

While it sounds like John was nothing but bad news and I think you escaped what would've been a nightmare marriage with him in the long run, I also think that you have a fair amount of issues you need to work on for you own health and well being. I hope I don't come off as rude or unsympathetic but I think that sometimes the hard truth can be the only way we're able to face the problems we've avoided or denied.

 

I do find it a bit strange that John's mother as well as the other family members of his and other men you've dated have all had negative feelings towards you. One person may be bias and just a pain but the fact that multiple people seemed not to like you tells me that you probably are exhibiting some kind of off putting behavior towards others. You also say that your life has been problem after problem and you haven't had a full time job, place to live, etc.

 

I doubt that all of this just happened once you and John split. He was supporting you completely financially speaking so I wonder what why you were so hot and cold as far as your arguments went followed by you saying how madly in love with him you are.

 

When you went to the restaurant to try and talk you say that you wanted to test him so you asked if you could talk to other guys while there. That is very strange and uncommon behavior. Why would you do that and how could you think that deliberately talking to other men while trying to reconcile with John was appropriate in any way.

 

There was so much in your thread I don't think anyone could fully understand what went on between you and him in order to advise you helpfully. Were you drinking while you were dating Him by the way? Did the alcoholism start when you broke up?

 

And FYI... The nasty voicemails and emails you send and leave him are a really bad idea and are not going to help you in any way. You are in your late 30's , you should know better than to act so childish by now. And involving your friend to curse at him too, just comes across like there is another side of this story where it might not sound like you were taken by "complete surprise" and did nothing to deserve him splitting up with you. Again I truly hope you're able to find happiness and get yourself back on track. I think that counseling/therapy might be something for you to look into once you get yourself working again.

[gant77]

Qboro90 I'd like to clarify that I do not call him and leave voicemails. I haven't called him since the Facebook fiasco. The one that I left was done out of anger after he went out of his way to hurt me by having me see him with her at Pier 39, which was our first out of town date, and seeing that she was engaged to him and last, but not least, sending me a nude photo, all of which were childish of him. I didn't need to see her or know about the engagement. I've dated since he broke up with me, he knows nothing about any of them.You may not agree, but, he was also childish in texting me photos of him at the state fair when he made excuses every year while we were together, why we couldn't go. I haven't called him since then. O have no plans to. My friend left the second voicemail, she was angry too. John knows her and actually was her best friends daughters bus driver. The daughter was 8 at the time. We were in shock when the daughter told her mom and our friend that John told her, yes, told her, that he had talked to me. Who does that?

 

 

My friend is also a former coworker, she saw me at my happiest with john and then she saw how much he hurt me. She was reacting in her own way. I myself have almost gotten in to a physical argument between her and someone who is now her ex because he was going to harm her. I am protective of my friends and family. I grew up playing sports and I am a huge wrestling fan, so being physical is normal, I'm a tomboy at heart.

It was one voicemail each, I agree it was childish, but please believe me when I say it was just that one time. Also I was surprised at him leaving me for someone else, and how quickly he did it. If I wasn't surprised, I wouldn't be so upset. I'm guilty of wanting to make sure my severely alcoholic father was still alive. I was home one night watching tv and I heard a crash, I ran out of my room to see my father laying face down on the hardwood floor. Then I tried to pick him up and couldn't. I called John and asked him to come help. He told me no. I had to call our mutual friend Mark, Mark was there within 5 minuets.

 

 

I honestly have no idea of what I would do if I came home to see him laid out on the floor unconscious because I didn't come home to check on him.

You seem to have allot of issues with my behavior and how he spent his money. If you think that I was taking advantage of the situation, that wasn't the case. But I think perhaps you may have your own experience with possibly being used. I was working full time when I met him, the only time I didn't work was when the employer closed the call center and I was working a few months later full time. John was well aware that if he wanted me to buy things he would ask. I was raised by a single father who it's a retried Sgt. with the PD, I learned to work hard from him, and that's what I did. I don't know if you read where I was working long hours doing overtime. If I was solely relying on John, I wouldn't be working at all. I'm actually insulted by your assumption of me. I don't see where I said that I emailed him in a nasty manner. There have been just a few emails between him and I and they were nice and even toned. The last email was me trying to get a possible reason from him as to why he handled the break up in the way he did.

 

 

Thinking back to the "childish" comment, if that's how I was I would've have reported him and the girl falsely to Google+ to try and have their accounts cancelled or started messaging her and starting trouble. I'm not like that, I made the comment about the other guys because 1. I was doing it as a joke and 2. John and I would make comments to each other about people we found attractive, we were secure enough with each other to know it was just an flirty observation and would not be acted on. I can appreciate an attractive woman. I'm not one who hates seeing beautiful women. I've been into fashion for years.The way I see it, if I'm left for someone like that then so be it. There must have been something that he wasn't happy about within me. The mother comment is interesting because Johns Mom did kind of like me, she didn't hate me, that I knew, but it was hard to be comfortable around her. She is a scary woman and at times I did feel I was being judged on if I was good enough for her baby. My dad was very cold to the guys I dated, he only liked the ex I mention periodically. He did not like John. He couldn't give me a reason. I'm sure that he felt no guy was good enough for me. I didn't let it bother me.

 

 

I guess I should have written more about their complicated relationship. He is a mama's boy. She saw me as a threat, she wasn't concerned about John becoming an adult and moving out and getting married and having his own family. She would have preferred him staying at home. She saw me as someone who was taking her baby. When John was about 10 they went hiking while camping. John threw a fit about having to walk down a large hill. His mom put him on her back and proceeded to carry him down the hill. I know I would have been spanked by my mom.

 

Her oldest son moved almost 2 hours away from her and avoided coming to visit. I was a witness to the phone conversations with her begging him to come visit. He always was drunk. One of my best guy friends is a ex. His mom and I are good friends. I helped cater her birthday while he and I were a couple. I was the only girl that she had every liked. If I go to her house with him she will tell him to get back with me. She is awesome. John's mom was fair to me and didn't outright be mean to me but she would try and say something perhaps a bit smart. For example, I came over wearing a pair of what basically would be called bell bottoms and she would say that no-one wears those because they were ugly, and would ask me if she could fix the pants. John, his dad, and his sister playfuly told her to leave me alone about it. I cooked with her, talked a little, and brought her, her favourite snack foods. Even doing all that I still felt that she didn't like me. I knew she didn't hate me but she didn't want John to have a girlfriend. My ex with the mom that I'm friends with still thinks my dad hates him. Not that he doesn't like him, but hates him. My dad likes him and he would like my ex and I to get back together. My ex doesn't fully believe me. But he doesn't let it get to him.

 

 

I read again the comment regarding the mom and you say his family members didn't like me. I'm beginning to think that you don't like me. Perhaps I'm misreading or misunderstanding you but I wasn't disliked by all his family members. Maybe I should have written about how some of them were disrespectful towards John. Those few members of his family were not what you'd call outstanding members of society. I'm not going to bash them, but they were younger then and let's just say that school and holding down jobs were not a priority for them. They took advantage of how kind and easy going John is. They made messes that were left to be cleaned up by me or John. They would play video games and treat the discs roughly. I was not going to sit there and allow that to continue. They were not used to seeing him with a girl let alone one that would stand up for him and stop them from treating him like crap. I was fair I didn't yell or anything rude. I would ask them to please throw away any wrappers the had after eating, or put any dishes or glasses in the sink. I was very respectful. In the end I was there to do for John.

 

Seeing what my dad went through as a alcoholic kept me from drinking allot. I was not a alcoholic nor a big drinker during the relationship. It actually happened when it hit me that John was not coming back and he truly was done with me and didn't love me.

[gant77]

I'm not able to edit that post anymore, I took too long I cant wait to get back to a real computer. I'll address here, what wasn't addressed above.

 

Qboro90, I receive monthly rental income from a building that my family owns in Carmel, CA

Those funds were used when John was fired from the fire extinguisher co. At 18 I received my inheritance, the only reason I had one was because my mom had passed away when I was a year and a half. I helped take care of my Godson. I kept him fed and clothed. Made sure that the house had supplies. I would help if asked. I am not one to use those for money. I prefer to give instead of take. I have given up the rest of what money I had to help others.

 

When John and I moved I told him to look on craigslist for furniture because that's where I had got allot of the stuff I needed when I had moved all those times. I also suggested the newspaper. He refused and went to a well-known furniture store. I was able to get him to shop at Ikea for the remaining small pieces. I picked out the cheapest I could find.

I wish I could have at least edited the sentence regarding her son being drunk, he would continue to drink his beers at their house. He wouldn't be fall down drunk, but he would be buzzed. That's how he coped with having to go over there.

 

I do not have an exact date but I did visit a Dr. and received a few prescriptions and after about 4-6 months I was feeling a greater sense of peace. I wasn't able to do counseling because of my schedule.

 

I got back in touch with John a while after starting to feel better being on the meds. I thought he'd be happy for me. He was not happy at all. He asked me why I didn't do it when he asked me to, to keep us together. I told him that my schedule prevented me from doing so, but should be happy that I am doing it now and am feeling better and am happier. He was just mad that I didn't do it when he asked.

[Lostgirl50]

I am truly sorry all you have gone through. I stumbled across your post after posting about my wondering when I would get over my pain. From what you wrote I noticed two things. You are still a strong woman, that is evident from you getting yourself help. Going through detox could not have been easy and you did it. Secondly, this guy does not deserve you at all. You deserve to be loved and not treated like this. He has issues not you. Take steps to move forward. For me, I just out myself in auto pilot. Didn't think too much about all I should do. I broke it down into little steps and tried not too think too much as I would get overwelmed by everything. I love to think about all the what if's and every scenario possible. I just can't do that anymore. I think a bit and then do it. You can move forward. You are strong. You will come out of this. Be that little engine that could going up the hill. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. You will be on top of that hill in no time at all. And be amazing again! I hope this helps you ! God Bless !

[kenmore]

Gant, I'm putting my hands gently on your face and making you look at me. Forget Qboro for now. Forget defending yourself, you need to heal.

 

Nobody's perfect. I did things I should have done differently but did the best I could under the circumstances I was in. You did the same. It didn't work out, sadly (Lostgirl, you listening?)

 

It's time to let go of the users, emotional black holes and psychological stormclouds. It's time to take a deep breath and say we'll be just f*cking fine, thank you.

 

Take my hand and say no more distraught brows and sorry feelings. Take some happiness in that we all have a great future ahead and can find someone who will actually give a crap. Say you will.

 

No, the future is a great thing! All the best parts of your past are still with you and dead weight is lost. Look forward with happiness.

 

Ken

[Lostgirl50]

Gant, I'm putting my hands gently on your face and making you look at me. Forget Qboro for now. Forget defending yourself, you need to heal.

 

Nobody's perfect. I did things I should have done differently but did the best I could under the circumstances I was in. You did the same. It didn't work out, sadly (Lostgirl, you listening?)

 

It's time to let go of the users, emotional black holes and psychological stormclouds. It's time to take a deep breath and say we'll be just f*cking fine, thank you.

 

Take my hand and say no more distraught brows and sorry feelings. Take some happiness in that we all have a great future ahead and can find someone who will actually give a crap. Say you will.

 

No, the future is a great thing! All the best parts of your past are still with you and dead weight is lost. Look forward with happiness.

 

Ken

Ken, I am awe stuck by this post. I pray and so want this to all come to fruition. I know I am a better person for all that I have gone through. And you are so right, the dead weight is gone... That is a good thing ! Thank you !

[kenmore]

Ken, I am awe stuck by this post. I pray and so want this to all come to fruition. I know I am a better person for all that I have gone through. And you are so right, the dead weight is gone... That is a good thing ! Thank you !

 

Lostgirl, it's my pleasure! I see who is hurting and I am too so we're in the same boat, but I feel my circumstances have given me a better chance of healing and quickly getting a better perspective, so if I can help, that's all I want.

 

I was in so much pain, Lg. I love(d) my wife so much. I can't even believe I can sit here and say it so objectively, she was my life! She's done and so am I. I never wanted this but here it is and I had to accept it. It was a clean break...so clean there was no wake. It just went from here to nowhere. That gave me the advantage of no lingering hopes, feelings etc. I had them all year but there's absolutely nothing left of hope now, period.

 

If I can gain a strength and pass it on then that's a gift. Please feel free to lean on me anytime you like! As I said, it's my pleasure. It's part of my healing process too.

 

Hugs to you! You will be fine, you have that in you. Just a little more time, that's all.

 

Ken

[Lostgirl50]

Ken, you are so right about helping others helps to heal the pain. I have been slowly creeping out of the haven I created for myself. I am 50 years old and inside feel like a newbie going out into the world for the first time. Now though, I do not view the world with innocent eyes. At times, I feel like a scaredy cat. I will crumble into a million pieces easily if someone were to criticize me at work, but I become a lion when I see someone being treated unfairly. So odd. As for my relationship with my ex it w just recently I had my moment that ending it was truly for the best. I now am a little lost cause I have accomplished what I set out to do - returned to school, completed it, got the job I wanted and now ?? I am at a loss again. I have to face the fact I have to work on my personnel life. Tht is terrifying - much harder that any course at school could ever be ! LOL! Give me calculus anyway over this ! Giggle !

[kenmore]

Ken, you are so right about helping others helps to heal the pain. I have been slowly creeping out of the haven I created for myself. I am 50 years old and inside feel like a newbie going out into the world for the first time. Now though, I do not view the world with innocent eyes. At times, I feel like a scaredy cat. I will crumble into a million pieces easily if someone were to criticize me at work, but I become a lion when I see someone being treated unfairly. So odd. As for my relationship with my ex it w just recently I had my moment that ending it was truly for the best. I now am a little lost cause I have accomplished what I set out to do - returned to school, completed it, got the job I wanted and now ?? I am at a loss again. I have to face the fact I have to work on my personnel life. Tht is terrifying - much harder that any course at school could ever be ! LOL! Give me calculus anyway over this ! Giggle !

 

LOL I know exactly what you mean! In the last several years I went to college, passed all my classes with A's, got my certificate, tried to get a new job with the certificate, got a job just to make money in an unrelated field, quit that job at my wife's insistence, separated, began a new career in insurance, watched that disintegrate (man did I suck at that lol!) and am just awaiting a new job offer with another company where I'll have to move two states away. The work and school kept me distracted. Now I have nothing but time to think. I'm being sure to keep busy in other ways, but there is too much time for reflection on my life and how uncertain it is!

 

Congratulations on your education and new job!!! That's awesome!

 

I think if you just keep doing things like you have been doing them (obviously taking a number of proper steps) and maintain a positive outlook your personal life will just fall into place. You are right, that aspect can be the most frightening! When we think our futures are all planned out and it turns out not only were they not, but weren't even in our control, it's totally unnerving.

 

It's ok to feel like a newbie in your position. It's to be expected. Just try not to crumple into too many pieces at work. Since it is a new career, some allowance is always made because there's a learning curve. In no time, you'll feel confident and used to your new job and life. It's all good, the trick is to learn how to see it that way. All my best!

 

Ken

[Qboro90]

Qboro90 , I receive monthly rental income from a building that my family owns in Carmel.

 

I wish I could have at least edited the sentence regarding her son being drunk, he would continue to drink his beers at their house. He wouldn't be fall down drunk, but he would be buzzed. That's how he coped with having to go over there.

 

I do not have an exact date but I did visit a Dr. and received a few prescriptions and after about 4-6 months I was feeling a greater sense of peace. I wasn't able to do counseling because of my schedule.

 

I got back in touch with John a while after starting to feel better being on the meds. I thought he'd be happy for me. He was not happy at all. He asked me why I didn't do it when he asked me to, to keep us together. I told him that my schedule prevented me from doing so, but should be happy that I am doing it now and am feeling better and am happier. He was just mad that I didn't do it when he asked.

 

 

If you took any of what I commented personally or if it came across as rude or not compassionate then I apologize. That was not my intention whatsoever. I think the great thing about LS is the fact that you're able to get an unbiased opinion from people who do not know you therefore have no reason to judge or like/dislike you. Just wanted to clear that up so you weren't under the impression I made any assumptions about you one way or another.

 

To reply to a few of your comments, I actually have been fortunate and have not had to deal with any abusive relationships in my lifetime, whether it be through family or partners I've dated. The observations I made were based off the information you supplied and how I perceived it.

 

The only thing I'll add is that you are incredibly detailed about your ex and some of the events that have transpired between you and him as well as each of your past histories. While it helps to get a wider picture of your time with him, I also think that perhaps some of the instances you mentioned were over analyzed a bit too much. For example, the hiking/camping trip when John was 10 years old and was carried down by his mom. Have others that met him made comments about his "mommas boy" behavior without you suggesting it first? Or is that just how you perceive it. While I do think that his attachment to his family is a bit much, I also can't fault someone for being "too close" to their family members. Do you think that he could say the same about you regarding your relationship with your father? Keep in mind that even if he did think that way about you, that doesn't make it necessarily right or true. The way you looked after your dad was incredibly courageously and I'm sure took a toll on you physically as well as emotionally.

 

The comments i made about being "childish" we're meant in the aspect that you do not need to go tit for tat with him. I read your post so I saw how ridiculous and immature and flat out crazy he was towards you. So when I say the voicemails from your and your friend weren't the best idea, don't you think that saying "yea that's probably true" is more appropriate than explaining why he deserved it based of an example you gave of how he did something similar? That just makes me think of when I confront my son about if he's fighting with his sister and he says "yea but he hit me first and she did this too...". That doesn't make it right for him to retaliate or sink to John's level. Can you see the reasoning behind that at least?

 

I caution leaving messages, voicemails, and emails because of exactly what happened. John did something absurd and used that information and told the 8 year old daughter of your friend. You might be protective of one another but deliberately getting involved in a clearly drama filled break up is only going to end up coming back to bite one of you in the butt. John telling the daughter is exactly what you don't want to happen. Protect each other by being there for one another to talk to and vent and offer advice, not to be each other's bodyguard and vigilante justice, no matter how much John deserves it. Set an example for her daughter. Now that 8 year old girl might think that arguing like that and saying nasty things to people is "normal behavior" which isn't something she needs to be exposed to at her age.

 

I understand that you want to explain why you did certain things and what he did that caused you to do them. I'm just advocating taking the high road instead of engaging in a fire fight with this man who has shown over and over to be inappropriate and hostile.

 

Him dating someone so fast is not a reflection of your relationship. That new girl is not getting "the new improved John". Shes just his next victim. His true colors will come out, I guarantee that. So don't torture yourself with comparing yourself to her or thinking what she has that you don't. Think about what she doesn't have... And that's a brain if she's dumb enough to shack up with a man who clearly on the train to crazy town.

 

Again, best of luck, Id never try to judge someone based off a few paragraphs of a post in this forum so just know that you can disregard everything I said if you so choose. The point of this forum is to give you a bunch of different opinions based of our interpretation of the situation presented.

 

Hope you find happiness