Jump to content

Those memories hurt the most


Jonp219

Recommended Posts

Have you ever had those memories with your ex where you felt like you could of been more supportive of them? I remember when my ex got into a car accident (nothing serious just a little fender bender), and her back was hurting for weeks.

Although I was very loving and understanding, somehow I feel like I could of done more?..

 

Or when she found out her grandmother might have cancer I held her when she cried and talked her through it, but somehow I felt I could of done more?...

 

I felt like in between everything we faced, we let our personal issues get in the way too much (especially me). I felt like I was inconsistent with my feeling towards her, probably because I DIDN'T know my exact feelings (hot and cold). These guilt trips don't come around as often as they use to, just once in a while. I guess since it was all my fault it still haunts me just a little, :rolleyes:

 

Don't be alarmed this is the first time in weeks where I've felt like this, but never in this light. Maybe it's just one of those days, maybe boredom has me overthinking again, who knows?

 

Just curious to know if anyone else puts themselves through these things.

Link to post
Share on other sites
seasickpeeve

Yes. As I was the girl who got dumped it's part of me trying to understand what went wrong I think. You're kinda telling yourself that if you were a better partner it would not have happened but we will never know if that is true or not.

 

We did the best we could at the time. It's all we could give then.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I remember with an old ex I used to call him up every time I thought up something I thought I could have done better. And apologized. Finally he said, "you don't have to apologize for everything you think you did wrong. It's fine."

 

Point is... They don't care, neither should we. It's water under the bridge.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Have you ever had those memories with your ex where you felt like you could of been more supportive of them? I remember when my ex got into a car accident (nothing serious just a little fender bender), and her back was hurting for weeks.

Although I was very loving and understanding, somehow I feel like I could of done more?..

 

Or when she found out her grandmother might have cancer I held her when she cried and talked her through it, but somehow I felt I could of done more?...

 

I felt like in between everything we faced, we let our personal issues get in the way too much (especially me). I felt like I was inconsistent with my feeling towards her, probably because I DIDN'T know my exact feelings (hot and cold). These guilt trips don't come around as often as they use to, just once in a while. I guess since it was all my fault it still haunts me just a little, :rolleyes:

 

Don't be alarmed this is the first time in weeks where I've felt like this, but never in this light. Maybe it's just one of those days, maybe boredom has me overthinking again, who knows?

 

Just curious to know if anyone else puts themselves through these things.

 

Sounds like you did everything right to me. It seems to me like you want to be the best person that you can be. And you can still do that. Stop torturing yourself. I'm sure your ex was no saint either. I know sometimes it's harder to accept our own failures over someone elses. We are our own worst critic. Forgive yourself. Take all of this and make sure that the next person you meet you will give 100%.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

No, pain of unrealized plans and expectations hurst the most.

 

And stop bashing yourself. I'm quite sure as much as you gave her

was enough.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I understand this thinking pattern. But the point is, in that particular situation you did what you thought was right. So unless you did something bad on purpose, you had good intentions. That's why you must never blame yourself.

 

In my own situation, I've had these thoughts about specific points in the relationship with my now ex gf. After the relationship ended, so said that my life only exists out of having breakfast, going to work, work out and read before bedtime. Made me feel like a boring dude, felt like I was 40 instead of being 23. So I had several thoughts about nights when we were watching Netflix. I thought I also could have suggested to go out and have a drink. But at that moment I felt comfortable with her on the couch and I assumed she was feeling comfortable too, so I had good intentions. If she was unhappy with the situation, it was her responsibility to stand up for herself.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

After being dumped most of us reach that point where we look back and can't help but wonder how we could have been a better partner. I think it's a step in the healing process all these emotions hit us at once and it gets to a point where you lose control for bit, and that's when it starts. The guilt, the overthinking and looking back on how we could have been better. Sometimes though even being our best isn't enough and even if we did do things differently we'd most likely still get the same outcome. It's just part of the process and i'm sure you did all that you could and had good intentions, don't be too hard on yourself this too shall pass! In the meantime focus on the positives of life and put fourth your energy into things that make you happy.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Its crazy how sometimes I see myself having conversations with her and her sister in my head sometimes. Me and her sister didn't talk much because I didn't go to her house as much, but I always tried to give her advice about school and other things. I kind of wished I had a much closer relationship with her, she reminded me a lot of myself at her age.

I know it's stupid to have these thoughts but they just come around from time to time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Chronograph

I can totally relate to this thinking pattern. I wonder why on earth so many people obviously start bashing themselves. I also do it. I go back into past situations and feel I could have acted or reacted differently, in a better way ... and then he wouldn't have left me.

 

Is there a strange allure to be able to think: "It was all my fault! I ruined it!" (because it gives you back some sort of control?) Or where does this habit of being hard on ourselves come from? Going through the past thinking where and when you could have done better is completely pointless.

 

Maybe our minds do it (sometimes obsessively) to keep us from feeling the pain? (Because over-analyzing and overthinking in my view - and I do it all the time - is just that: your mind runs in crazy circles just to keep you from feeling the scary pain.)

 

Or it's like you start thinking ... man, it was my fault, I need to apologize and so I need to get in touch, I need to explain ... so it might be an excuse to break NC.

 

I dunno. But it sucks!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I can totally relate to this thinking pattern. I wonder why on earth so many people obviously start bashing themselves. I also do it. I go back into past situations and feel I could have acted or reacted differently, in a better way ... and then he wouldn't have left me.

 

Is there a strange allure to be able to think: "It was all my fault! I ruined it!" (because it gives you back some sort of control?) Or where does this habit of being hard on ourselves come from? Going through the past thinking where and when you could have done better is completely pointless.

 

Maybe our minds do it (sometimes obsessively) to keep us from feeling the pain? (Because over-analyzing and overthinking in my view - and I do it all the time - is just that: your mind runs in crazy circles just to keep you from feeling the scary pain.)

 

Or it's like you start thinking ... man, it was my fault, I need to apologize and so I need to get in touch, I need to explain ... so it might be an excuse to break NC.

 

I dunno. But it sucks!

 

I guess it all stems from the comfort of reasoning.

 

We often would like to believe that there's a reason behind a relationship falling apart, and we want to do our best to pinpoint those mistakes as soon as possible.

 

That way we can tell ourselves, "Yes, if I could of done it this way she would of never left me". But then you start telling yourself, "Jesus Christ i'm an idiot, I just ruined the best thing that ever happened to me! What the hell have I done?! I fricken hate myself now!"

 

That's what I've been doing for the last couple of months, and yes it doesn't get you anywhere, but the dating world is scary and I don't quite see myself as a commodity considering the fact that no one wants me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Chronograph

God yeah, the dating world IS scary! I don't feel ready yet anyway but the stories I hear from friends and people are really frightening me. Especially in big cities I keep hearing about people who don't want to commit. Everyone (because of all these dating sites, apps and God knows what) seems to be believing that someone better could be just around the corner. So why bother to put some effort into one relationship? This thought makes me feel even more miserable combined with the thoughts of your original post ... that I somehow ruined something beautiful and such a thing will never ever happen to me again. Oh well!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think this way too, about my ex and others in my past. I did all i could, but I should have done more. I sometimes think i was a lousy girlfriend but I'm pretty sure that was untrue.i should have been more cheerful and shown my emotions and been more lovey doves or something. I should have been more confident and initiated things. I dont know.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My dad told me once before passing from complications of cancer (I'm sure it was a quote from someone else but I'll always give it to him):

 

"Don't regret things that you did if did your best. You did what you did with the information you had at the time."

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...