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Lonely or Grieving?


sprater

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Hey everyone,

 

I've got a short story to tell of my most recent relationship. My biggest question is am I lonely without her, or do I really miss her?

 

We started dating October 17th, 2012. We just recently broke up at the beginning of July. So 2 2/3 of a year we've been together. It was a very rushed relationship to begin with. She moved in within a month of us knowing one another. We were fairly close during the first year. We had an excellent intimate relationship, and an excellent emotional relationship. During the next 6 months, I lost attraction to her; so our intimacy went downhill. She'd cry because she thought I didn't find her attractive (which I didn't, but I never communicated that to her). After that, I started working third shift. I was really hateful, and short nearly all the time just due to the change in lifestyle. I treated her very poorly. I felt uninterested, like I was just going through the motions. It never really tweaked my interest to end the relationship though - I don't really know why. But I showed to be heartless towards her at times. I cheated. I just did my own thing, and came home to her. She treated my children as if they were her own, and did anything for me, for us. She was one of a kind, really. She told me that I didn't treat her as if she was a priority. She said that I didn't acknowledge her, so she left. It's been nearly a month now and I feel sad all the time. I have random spurts of crying. I recently talked her into staying with me for 3 nights.. we were intimate, and emotional. We told one another we loved and missed each other. But when it came down to me asking her to come back, she says "she doesn't know if that's what she wants.. if I'm who she wants. She doesn't feel lost without me."... It feels like she's simply messing with my head. Trying to lead me on. But sometimes she feels genuine. She texted me last night and said, "I love you. I'm sleeping next to your sweater."... She wanted to start over, which I declined at first. I said she needs to give me another chance and stay over for awhile and see what happens. Then, I went back on that and told her that I'd be willing to start from scratch and regain her trust. She said, "That's what I wanted right after we broke up.. but I don't know about now. You're not giving me anytime to breath" - yet she's texting me all the time.

 

I'm dealing with my father being diagnosed with cancer, and this isn't helping at all. I'm chasing her. Why? I showed no interest in the relationship. I don't know whether or not I should continue texting her like she wants, showing her that she's wanted (which I didn't during the relationship).. or if I should just cut ties. I don't know if i'm after the companionship, or after the girl. I don't know if she wants me to prove things will be different, or just to take me through the ropes to make her feel better.

 

 

Thanks everyone for reading.

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TaraMaiden2

You are a crazy mixed-up guy and it's hardly surprising.

 

You need counselling because you have several problems here:

 

(1) Poor commitment, (2) co-dependency and (3) depression.

 

(1) You want her, but you want to keep her at arm's length. This is selfish and you're looking at the relationship in ways to suit you, and comfort you, not benefit her. Because of your depressed state (3) you want company, support and you've gone where you familiarly got those qualities before. Back to her. Because she was reliable, supportive and constant.

YOU were the one who screwed things up....

 

(2) You believe that your happiness and contentment are her responsibility. You have attached the feeling of contentment and fulfilment to having her in your life.

But obviously she's wary now, because of the way you treated her (so badly - you admit this) so she's protecting herself and testing the waters to navigate through your reactions. You don't like this:

 

It feels like she's simply messing with my head. Trying to lead me on.

 

She's doing nothing of the kind. Given the way you treated her in your relationship, she has every right to be treading carefully. Things, emotionally, can never be 'black and white'. She would love 'back in'. But it's you who has to prove you can be a reliable and constant partner.

Does she know you cheated on her during your relationship?

 

(3) Your father's situation is making you depressed because you see his mortality and fear his dying.

How serious is the cancer?

What type is it, and what is the prognosis?

She is not your therapist. She doesn't deserve to have to counsel you and carry you through this... that's not her place.

 

Which is why I suggested you seek counselling, at the head of my post.

You are honestly emotionally in no fit state to investigate a relationship (let alone re-igniting one) in your current frame of mind.

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(1) You want her, but you want to keep her at arm's length. This is selfish and you're looking at the relationship in ways to suit you, and comfort you, not benefit her. Because of your depressed state (3) you want company, support and you've gone where you familiarly got those qualities before. Back to her. Because she was reliable, supportive and constant.

YOU were the one who screwed things up....

 

You're right. I screwed things up. What I'm trying to figure out for myself is if I am trying to go back to her for all the wrong reasons.. or if I love her and I realize that I messed up. I'm not very good at sorting out emotions.

 

 

(2) You believe that your happiness and contentment are her responsibility. You have attached the feeling of contentment and fulfilment to having her in your life.

But obviously she's wary now, because of the way you treated her (so badly - you admit this) so she's protecting herself and testing the waters to navigate through your reactions.

 

So you feel her actions are her being wary, not of her trying to "mess with me"? I don't want to go after someone if there is not an opportunity, just merely a waste of time.

 

Does she know you cheated on her during your relationship?

 

Absolutely not. I slept with someone else right after our breakup as well. She had asked before we slept together a couple of days ago, and I told her no; because if she knew I slept with someone else (as she even readily admitted) she wouldn't even consider coming back to me.

 

(3) Your father's situation is making you depressed because you see his mortality and fear his dying.

How serious is the cancer?

What type is it, and what is the prognosis?

 

He just got over prostate cancer. He was diagnosed with a single cell lung cancer, with is inoperable and uncurable. They said chemo was his only home. If chemo doesn't work, he's got 3-6 months.

 

He also was diagnosed with brain cancer, however they said they believe this to be benign(sp?) and doesn't show any immediate consequences of not using radiation on this - so they are focusing on the lung cancer.

 

Which is why I suggested you seek counselling, at the head of my post.

You are honestly emotionally in no fit state to investigate a relationship (let alone re-igniting one) in your current frame of mind.

 

I can't really afford counselling. I could have used counselling years ago. Not being able to sort through my emotions. Not really knowing myself.

 

I can't even really try to pursue a new relationship; they just come to me. I've been out of it for so long; the only opportunities that really arise are hookups. I wouldn't know how to begin to try to pursue my own love interest unless it fell into the palm of my hands. I guess a big problem of mine is all throughout my life things have come easily to me.

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TaraMaiden2
You're right. I screwed things up. What I'm trying to figure out for myself is if I am trying to go back to her for all the wrong reasons.. or if I love her and I realize that I messed up. I'm not very good at sorting out emotions.

 

I can tell. That's because you look at emotions from your perspective, not other people's. In other words, you only ever see things from your own perspective. You don't take other peoples' rights, to their own emotions and perspectives into consideration. You see things purely from your side. That's why you at least realise you're not very good at it....

Is it possible you have narcissistic tendencies?

 

That's not intended as a jibe or criticism. I'm genuinely exploring the possibility....

 

So you feel her actions are her being wary, not of her trying to "mess with me"? I don't want to go after someone if there is not an opportunity, just merely a waste of time.

This confirms what I said above. You haven't considered her thoughts on this, her motivations, her reasoning or sound-based logic. This is a purely one-sided opinion...

 

Absolutely not. I slept with someone else right after our breakup as well. She had asked before we slept together a couple of days ago, and I told her no; because if she knew I slept with someone else (as she even readily admitted) she wouldn't even consider coming back to me.

Again, this is manipulating the situation to suit your motives. You have deliberately lied, deceived and pulled the wool over her eyes, to suit your own needs. The fact that you know she would never have come back to you if you had been truthful, is merely another example of your self-serving intentions.

I definitely see narcissistic traits here. But I'm no psychiatrist. It's just something I believe I recognise, having been with one myself....

 

Really? You think manipulating her into screwing you is an honourable place to start? Then you complain she's messing with YOUR head....?

 

 

He just got over prostate cancer. He was diagnosed with a single cell lung cancer, with is inoperable and uncurable. They said chemo was his only home. If chemo doesn't work, he's got 3-6 months.

 

He also was diagnosed with brain cancer, however they said they believe this to be benign(sp?) and doesn't show any immediate consequences of not using radiation on this - so they are focusing on the lung cancer.

Cancer isn't 'benign'. He may well have a tumour but it may just be sitting there neither shrinking or growing. Or it could be a non-cancerous tumour....

 

How does all of that (bolded) make you feel?

 

I can't really afford counselling. I could have used counselling years ago. Not being able to sort through my emotions. Not really knowing myself.

You need counselling now. or at least, a good, long HONEST frank, forthright discussion with a doctor.... Who may be able to refer you. No health insurance?

 

I can't even really try to pursue a new relationship; they just come to me. I've been out of it for so long; the only opportunities that really arise are hookups. I wouldn't know how to begin to try to pursue my own love interest unless it fell into the palm of my hands. I guess a big problem of mine is all throughout my life things have come easily to me.

Yes. Again, from experience, narcissists are the most charming of people... everything just 'comes easily to them'.

 

it's highly destructive to those who 'come easily to you' though.

 

You need to completely back off from this woman.

you've already started out with deceit and a lie.

And somehow, by hook or by crook, you need to see a professional.

 

Or is that something you shy away from, because it would mean revelations and admissions....? (Yes, my experience again....)

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Is it possible you have narcissistic tendencies?

 

I've been told I do. By her and by others.

 

 

This confirms what I said above. You haven't considered her thoughts on this, her motivations, her reasoning or sound-based logic. This is a purely one-sided opinion...

 

As previously stated, what I mostly find are hookups. That is what I feel she used me for. She'll say "We're not having sex" prior to the three nights she spent with me - yet she slept with me anyway. I asked her why she slept with me, and her response simply was "I don't know".

 

Really? You think manipulating her into screwing you is an honourable place to start? Then you complain she's messing with YOUR head....?

I had no intentions on sleeping with her. Intimacy wasn't ever one of the strong suits of our relationship. I was simply trying to get her to reconsider coming back and living with me.

 

 

Cancer isn't 'benign'. He may well have a tumour but it may just be sitting there neither shrinking or growing. Or it could be a non-cancerous tumour....

 

How does all of that (bolded) make you feel?

 

My apologies. The tumor is believed to be benign. They haven't tested it, but doctors say they are pretty sure that it is. So it's lung cancer we're facing. It made me feel like someone kicked me in my stomach, or like I had tunnel vision momentarily.

 

You need to completely back off from this woman.

you've already started out with deceit and a lie.

And somehow, by hook or by crook, you need to see a professional.

 

Or is that something you shy away from, because it would mean revelations and admissions....? (Yes, my experience again....)

 

From your insight, what do you think my feelings are towards her? Love, or simply wanting someone. If I "back off" from her, I feel if it is love that I am experiencing I will lose her. She craves attention, and feeling important. Something I denied her of for a year and 1/2.

 

I will give therapy a shot and see if it's something that is beneficial towards me - regardless the cost being that you're so adament that I need it. But I've got to feel it's benefits for it to be something I continually spend time investing in.

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TaraMaiden2
I've been told I do. By her and by others.

Do you see truth in this, then? And what do you think about yourself, if you regard these opinions to have some worth, or validity?

 

 

 

 

As previously stated, what I mostly find are hookups. That is what I feel she used me for. She'll say "We're not having sex" prior to the three nights she spent with me - yet she slept with me anyway. I asked her why she slept with me, and her response simply was "I don't know".

The problem is, if she suspects you have narcissistic qualities, I can tell you exactly why she is behaving the way she is.

Firstly, she is permitting her feelings and emotions, and rationale and logic to combine, in trying to decide what to do.

 

One should never make decisions based on an emotional ground.

Decisions need logic and hard-headed reason.

There is no doubt she has deep feelings for you.

Unfortunately, she knows exactly what you are like. She sees, or perceives your narcissism and it's putting her off, (logic and sound reason playing in, here) because she knows narcissists work from a base of 'what's in it for me' (as you have amply demonstrated in your comments. Again, not a jibe or criticism. it's insight into what makes you 'tick'.)

She would love you to change, knows from her own past experience that she cannot change you and you are unlikely to change (as again seems evident from your own thoughts on the matter) but she wants to love you. She wants it to work. So her logic (I won't sleep with you) is getting highly knotted up with her emotions (sleeps with you).

 

 

I had no intentions on sleeping with her. Intimacy wasn't ever one of the strong suits of our relationship. I was simply trying to get her to reconsider coming back and living with me.

If this were really true - then you wouldn't have slept with her. The fact that you deliberately lied to her to ensure she would stay with you, underpins this.

 

If you honestly had no intention, you would have said:

"This is wrong; we can't base a decision on whether we can re-connect and pick up again, on screwing around and having sex. It's not the right way to go."

But you didn't.

The road to hell is paved, as they say, with good intentions.

if you think sleeping with her, is the wrong way to go - then don't sleep with her.

This just sends her completely the wrong message.

She needs to know where you stand, in order for her to know what she won't stand. And you agreeing to have sex with her, satisfies you physically (the hookup part) and gives you the admiration and adoration you want. It filled a need.

But it's a mess.

 

My apologies. The tumor is believed to be benign. They haven't tested it, but doctors say they are pretty sure that it is. So it's lung cancer we're facing. It made me feel like someone kicked me in my stomach, or like I had tunnel vision momentarily.

This has rocked your secure world, and not in a good way. This has shaken your stability and your taking for granted that things in your life were stable and flowing.

This is an unexpected shipwreck, and you're not waving but drowning.

Are you close to your father?

I suggest you tell him just how much he means to you and you open up to him, while you still have time. He's not there for you. You have to be there for him. Don't close yourself off in your own grief.

This isn't about you - you get that, right? :)

 

 

 

From your insight, what do you think my feelings are towards her? Love, or simply wanting someone.

The two are often indistinguishable, and they overlap...

 

If I "back off" from her, I feel if it is love that I am experiencing I will lose her.

Forgive me if I sound harsh, but just for a second, quit thinking about how this affects you, and put yourself out there to think about what she wants, just for once.

A relationship is 'Us' not 'me and then her'.

 

Maybe if you were brutally honest with her, admmitted to her what you have admitted here, wore your heart on your sleeve and prepared yourself for hearing what a cad you have been - own it, admit it and face up to it - she would actually gain respect for you, and WANT to make it work.

If you lose her, it won't be through any fault of hers, will it?

 

She craves attention, and feeling important. Something I denied her of for a year and 1/2.

can you blame her? She DESERVES attention, and IS important.

Everyone wants to feel appreciated, understood and loved. You denied her that during that time. Is it any surprise that she is trying to tell you that this is what she needs from you?

Question is - can you deliver?

Are you prepared to do what it takes, to deliver?

 

I will give therapy a shot and see if it's something that is beneficial towards me - regardless the cost being that you're so adament that I need it. But I've got to feel it's benefits for it to be something I continually spend time investing in.

Don't give up at the first hurdle. I went through 3 therapists before finding one I could relate to, and who could relate to what I needed - and when I did, my time with them was short, because we were so 'on the same page'. But never forget: A therapist is a sounding board. They listen, they reflect, they open suggestions. The hard work necessary, comes from you. It's an investment in yourself.

Edited by TaraMaiden2
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It sounds very much to me like you want her to be there for you when you're grieving. Especially with your fathers situation being as precarious as it is. If you KNOW you treated her like crap and you cheated, you have to fix it. Which means being honest about what you did and what you are going to do to prove to her that you have changed. And she has every right to know you cheated. Don't try and get her back with dishonesty.

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