I let a good thing get away..

[freebird31]

About a little over 2 years ago, my ex and I broke up. It basically left me devastated for the last two years. It wasnt until about one month ago, when I finally got my true acceptance, closure, and peace from the situation and accepted that it was over for good.

 

Anyway about 1 year ago, (last summer) I dated this new guy. I really liked him, we liked eachother a lot. And he was amazing. At the time, I was still hung up on my ex and still coping with the loss, and I was just not entirely ready for a new relationship. We had undeniable chemistry, he is mature, and a genuine person. The problem was, I just was not ready to date.

 

He is now in a relationship of 2 months with someone else. And i now feel ready to date. I feel great, i feel at peace with myself, and I feel like I am ready to share that with someone else. I cannot help but feel like i let a good thing go. We still talk from time to time, we are still "friends." But I want more.

 

I truly feel like we are a great match. I know he is dating this other girl, and maybe she is good to him. But I cant help but feel like maybe she isnt right for him.

 

Anyway, I already told him how I feel and how I let a good oppurtunity get away. He knows how I feel. And he still wants us to remain friends.

 

I guess, I need to just let it go. and move on. And accept that maybe this was not meant to be? I cant help but feel cheated. I never expected him to wait for me, I let him walk away. But i truly was not in the right place at the time and I was not ready and i would not have been able to give myself to another person, or healthily be in a new relationship at the time.

 

I really feel like we have a deep understanding of one another, great chemistry, share the same sense of humor, but most importantly we are both genuine people with an understanding of each other's paths. We make a great duo. And it would defintely be a lasting relationship, as we have all the components that form a solid foundation (communication, maturity, etc.)

 

I let a good, no, great thing get away. I guess I just have to accept this for what it is at this point. i dont know.

 

Any advice/thoughts/opinions? Sigh.

Edited July 24, 2015 by freebird31

[freebird31]

Not to mention that I really like him. And the times we talk are just nothing but endless laughter, cracking up, and deep conversations. It's truly real. Nothing like my past relationship. He knows the chemistry is there too. Its too real to deny

[Gus Grimly]

That's a shame. Too bad you couldn't have just taken the relationship nice and slow. If you and he have this amazing kinetic energy together, I'm sure he'd of understood.

 

Are you sure being friends with him wont hurt you in the end? I mean the way you talk about him, you're definitely crushing hard on this guy.

[pidgeon1010]

Unfortunately, sometimes people come into our lives when we are not ready for them and the risk of letting them go is that, they'll never come back when we are ready. He is aware of how you feel and there's nothing else you can do. I am not sure if being "friends" is the best thing for you at this moment, based on your feelings for him. You will just be prolonging something that may be inevitable (i.e. that he is never coming back). All you can do is move on with your life and if it is meant to be, it will happen. He has to come to the decision whether he wants to give you two a try again. The ball is in his court.

[LeslieKnope]

Hi freebird,

 

I am very sorry about your situation, but also oddly comforted. My ex also started a relationship with me prior to him being ready (he had previously been with a woman on and off for six years) and it's taken me awhile to process that there wasn't really anything I could do (or do better) that would've saved our relationship. At the time of our breakup, he kept saying 'maybe I'm making a big mistake' and I felt pretty sure he was. But actually he wasn't - the timing was off. If I had met him a year from now instead we probably would've been okay, but who knows? I miss him dreadfully but I also can't possibly wait around for him when I know there are so many great guys out there (honestly!).

 

I guess what I'm saying is, I know that's no comfort to you, but maybe it's best to look at it this way:

 

a) you've finally reached a point where you've moved on from the last ex. That's fantastic - we're all very jealous on this board!

b) isn't it nice to just know there is a great guy who cared for you once without all the bs? Doesn't that give you hope that there are other great guys out there that will do the same?

c) as others have said, if it's meant to happen it will. Good for you for letting him know your feelings, that takes a lot of guts. You've done all that you can at this point - if he wants to pursue it, he'll come back to you.

 

Take care!

[freebird31]

I can't help but feel like I made a huge mistake. Mm yes, we could have taken it slow. And we tried. But it was overall too much for me at the time so we decided to just remain friends. It extremely sucks. We both have had similar situations and both have gone through a lot. So I know I deserve someone who is as genuine and compassionate as he is and i know he deserves the same. I truly wish I had been ready at the time but I really wasn't and I couldn't just keep him around. I had to really let him go and be single in order to find myself and my peace, and especially and most importantly know that I could get through it on my own. Unfortunately I let something amazing get away in the process. I'm sure his girlfriend is great, but him and I share a great understanding of each other. And I know it had potential to grow to be something real. Blah. :/.

[LeslieKnope]

I hear ya! And it's totally okay and normal to feel sad about it. Grieve some, but don't feel sorry for yourself. Maybe he'll be ready down the road. You've done what you can for now.

 

Hugs!

[freebird31]

I hear ya! And it's totally okay and normal to feel sad about it. Grieve some, but don't feel sorry for yourself. Maybe he'll be ready down the road. You've done what you can for now.

 

Hugs!

 

Thank you:)

I know it will be fine. I mean if I can get over my ex which took me two years and a lot of effort, I can get through anything. I know I can move on. It's just a shame we have to. Thanks for your kind words

[freebird31]

I'm sure that their relationship will be something good. But I know if we were to have a relationship it would be more than just good, it would be something real, something mature, and healthy. I'm going to let this go and do my thing. It's all in God's hands and God's timing of things. There's a reason why it didn't work out right now, or maybe even wont ever work out. I have faith in Gods timing.

[freebird31]

Is there anything more that I can do ? I really can't stop thinking about it. What bothers me most is that I really is how unfair this whole situation is. I'm trying to play a good sport but I cannot. I lost a great opportunity while I was still pining over someone who didn't care at all for me. I feel so frustrated with myself.

[aloneinaz]

Here's what you need to do.. LIVE YOUR LIFE.. You're ready to date and have a relationship. Start casually dating again. Maybe you'll meet a new guy that you have an even better connection and chemistry with?! This other guy knows you want a shot again if his new GF doesn't pan out. Don't wait for him and be his second choice. You have all these strong feelings for him but clearly he doesn't feel the same way about you OR he'd come right back.

 

 

Yes, you're friends with him now. Don't lose sight that him knowing you want him back and engaging with him is only stroking his ego and self esteem. It feels good to have a steady GF and an ex that's still hot and heavy for you. I wonder if this new girl he has knows he's talking to a recent ex? Hum..

 

 

You should simply let this guy know you're going radio silent so you're not a distraction to him and his new GF. Let him know you're going to start dating again and if he finds himself single again in the future to check in with you then.

[freebird31]

Here's what you need to do.. LIVE YOUR LIFE.. You're ready to date and have a relationship. Start casually dating again. Maybe you'll meet a new guy that you have an even better connection and chemistry with?! This other guy knows you want a shot again if his new GF doesn't pan out. Don't wait for him and be his second choice. You have all these strong feelings for him but clearly he doesn't feel the same way about you OR he'd come right back.

 

 

Yes, you're friends with him now. Don't lose sight that him knowing you want him back and engaging with him is only stroking his ego and self esteem. It feels good to have a steady GF and an ex that's still hot and heavy for you. I wonder if this new girl he has knows he's talking to a recent ex? Hum..

 

 

You should simply let this guy know you're going radio silent so you're not a distraction to him and his new GF. Let him know you're going to start dating again and if he finds himself single again in the future to check in with you then.

 

 

He told me that he wants to be friends still and that he doesnt want to waste a friendship. And he said that he wants to to grab a drink with me sometime. I am pretty sure his GF doesn't know about this. Idk. I kind of have been looking forward to grabbing a drink with him because I want to tell him everything that I already told him in text (my feelings for him and how I feel about this situation) in person. I really want to tell him face to face. Thats it. After that, I dont think that I would be able to see him again for a drink. Because I know that would simply be stupid.

 

The great thing about him though is that he is a really humble person. He even seemed surprised when I confessed my feelings to him, but thanked me for my honesty.

 

Idk :/ I feel so frustrated with this situation. And to be quite honest, I dont think him and his girlfriend are even a right match. They are completely different. I really feel like he was just overly ready to settle down for a relationship, so he just settled down with the next available girl after me. Sue me for being so honest.

[aloneinaz]

He told me that he wants to be friends still and that he doesnt want to waste a friendship. And he said that he wants to to grab a drink with me sometime. I am pretty sure his GF doesn't know about this. Idk. I kind of have been looking forward to grabbing a drink with him because I want to tell him everything that I already told him in text (my feelings for him and how I feel about this situation) in person. I really want to tell him face to face. Thats it. After that, I dont think that I would be able to see him again for a drink. Because I know that would simply be stupid.

 

The great thing about him though is that he is a really humble person. He even seemed surprised when I confessed my feelings to him, but thanked me for my honesty.

 

Idk :/ I feel so frustrated with this situation. And to be quite honest, I dont think him and his girlfriend are even a right match. They are completely different. I really feel like he was just overly ready to settle down for a relationship, so he just settled down with the next available girl after me. Sue me for being so honest.

 

 

Don't be blinded by your heart. You need to be thinking with your brain. He's keeping you as his plan B in case the new girl doesn't work out. As a guy, I can tell you I've done this as well. We'll say, "why can't we be friends and stay in touch". You and him both know he's crossing the line to meet w/a recent ex for a drink. His new GF would be furious with him and probably kick him to the curb if she found out. If he'd do this to her, he'd certainly do it to you as well.

 

 

I thinking your risking further pain and suffering by meeting him in person. Throwing alcohol in the mix as well can create havoc for you both. I'm not sure if your mindset is on "conquering" him back but I suspect it may be. He may get buzzed and you may end up in the sack with you thinking he'll come back. He most likely won't and stay with his new GF.

 

 

Personally, the smart play here is to vanish for a while. Don't let him have his cake and eat it to. You're not giving him a chance to miss you by staying in contact w/you while he's banging his new GF. If you don't hear from him again, then it wasn't meant to be but at least you kept your pride and self respect while not blowing his ego up to far.

[freebird31]

Don't be blinded by your heart. You need to be thinking with your brain. He's keeping you as his plan B in case the new girl doesn't work out. As a guy, I can tell you I've done this as well. We'll say, "why can't we be friends and stay in touch". You and him both know he's crossing the line to meet w/a recent ex for a drink. His new GF would be furious with him and probably kick him to the curb if she found out. If he'd do this to her, he'd certainly do it to you as well.

 

 

I thinking your risking further pain and suffering by meeting him in person. Throwing alcohol in the mix as well can create havoc for you both. I'm not sure if your mindset is on "conquering" him back but I suspect it may be. He may get buzzed and you may end up in the sack with you thinking he'll come back. He most likely won't and stay with his new GF.

 

 

Personally, the smart play here is to vanish for a while. Don't let him have his cake and eat it to. You're not giving him a chance to miss you by staying in contact w/you while he's banging his new GF. If you don't hear from him again, then it wasn't meant to be but at least you kept your pride and self respect while not blowing his ego up to far.

 

 

Thanks for the advice. So in the case where he asks me to meet up, what should I say and tell him? Or in the case where he just randomly decides to text me to chat, should I engage in the small talk with him?

 

To be quite honest, if he was doing this to me if we were together. As in, texting and chatting with an ex even through a text, I would not be able to deal with the jealousy.

[freebird31]

..................

Edited July 28, 2015 by freebird31

[freebird31]

I have to add that he was not really my "ex." We were not in a relationship. He was just dating me, casually at the time. But we talked everyday for many months...so we did somewhat invest a lot in each other. The only reason why it was never taken to the next level, was because I did not want it to. I still was crazy for my ex at the time, and only wanted my ex. But now that all that fog has cleared from my mind, I see things for what they are now. I see that my ex was not the right match for me whatsoever! (took me 2 years to realize this!) And I feel like I lost an oppurtunity with great potential with the new guy.

 

Me and the new guy were never in a relationship or anything completely serious (my fault, like i mentioned before.) But now I am ready! And I dont think he would leave his GF to come back to me. I mean, I think that would be completely stupid on his part, dont you think? Its like rolling dice, gambling. Im sure he is not really even sure about the potential we have or can even trust me that I won't mess it up again, so thats why I dont think he would ever leave his current GF for me. He has already moved on. I dont know. Im so frustrated. I should just let it be. But my question is, should I remain in contact with him?

[aloneinaz]

Thanks for the advice. So in the case where he asks me to meet up, what should I say and tell him? Or in the case where he just randomly decides to text me to chat, should I engage in the small talk with him?

 

To be quite honest, if he was doing this to me if we were together. As in, texting and chatting with an ex even through a text, I would not be able to deal with the jealousy.

 

 

Since you've been talking to him already, be courteous and let him know that you're not interested in keeping contact as he has a GF and it's not fair to her. Then, stop texting or replying to any other contact. You're being honest and not rude. If he keeps texting, that's on him. You're NOT required to reply to him and he'll take the hint. He'll either accept it or he will miss you and MAYBE come back. If it's several weeks or months and he reappears being direct in telling you he wants to date, then you know the other R/S didn't work out and he's falling back to you.

 

 

Again, if he was REALLY into you, he'd eject the new girl to get back together with you. Don't lose sight of that. As I've stated, he (like everyone) is enjoying all the attention he's getting from two woman.

[aloneinaz]

But my question is, should I remain in contact with him?

 

 

I would not. As I said, let him know you're cutting contact and if he finds himself single in the future, to shoot you a text to see where you are in your life.

 

 

Also, after reading this post, I agree that he wouldn't want to risk losing this new girl to go back to the person that wouldn't commit to him if that's what he wanted back then.

 

 

Let him go to explore that relationship. In the mean time, go on some dates yourself. See what's out there for you. You never know what the future will hold

[freebird31]

I would not. As I said, let him know you're cutting contact and if he finds himself single in the future, to shoot you a text to see where you are in your life.

 

 

Also, after reading this post, I agree that he wouldn't want to risk losing this new girl to go back to the person that wouldn't commit to him if that's what he wanted back then.

 

 

Let him go to explore that relationship. In the mean time, go on some dates yourself. See what's out there for you. You never know what the future will hold

 

 

Thanks so much for the advice. I will defintely do this. I have a feeling he will try to talk to me, But I like what you had to say. I will defintely tell take your advice. And I think that I should be doing my own thing and date new people. And he should defintely explore the relationship, as you said.

 

Thanks for this awesome and helpful advice

[freebird31]

Unfortunately, sometimes people come into our lives when we are not ready for them and the risk of letting them go is that, they'll never come back when we are ready. He is aware of how you feel and there's nothing else you can do. I am not sure if being "friends" is the best thing for you at this moment, based on your feelings for him. You will just be prolonging something that may be inevitable (i.e. that he is never coming back). All you can do is move on with your life and if it is meant to be, it will happen. He has to come to the decision whether he wants to give you two a try again. The ball is in his court.

 

Sooo two years later. And I hear back from this guy. He just got out of a relationship with that same girl. He had been with her since. And wants to hang out. I was immediately skeptical. I asked him how long he had been broken up and why they had broken up. He said about a month and because he got bored. And he didn't want to talk about it anymore. I talked with him for a few days he would call me. Until I decided I didn't want to get involved with him. He said he doesn't want to date anyone or get serious. But that he would want to hang out with me over drinks to "reconnect". The whole thing sounded strange to me. And sounded as if he just needed someone to rebound on. I ended up telling him maybe we can "reconnect" sometime in the future when his break up isn't so fresh.

[freebird31]

To further clarify. He said he doesn't want anything serious at the moment. But that maybe hanging out with me might be a stepping stone for something more later. I still felt skeptical.

[bummer]

Boy is he ever trolling to see if you'll bite. Good for you to not accept and I hope you stay that way. All you'll do is feed his ego when he gets you and when he's bored or finds something new, it's back to the backup bench.