Chronograph Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 hey guys, I feel pretty much ****ed up today and that's been the case for the last couple of days. My breakup is nearly 3 months ago (15 year relationship, we were our first loves, he wanted to end the relationship, I'm in my early thirties) and since then I moved out, live back in home country now (so changed cultures), found a new place to live (will move in next week, currently staying at my parent's) and also found a job. So I did lots of organizing, also met a lot of friends, been active, went dancing and to parties and so on. The last couple of weeks were quieter with nothing much to do, so I guess that's one reason why my pain and sadness have become worse again after I felt better. But in general I don't know why it is so strong again. Waking up in the morning felt less and less painful, but now it seems to hit me again. I'm just so sad. And I'm crying a lot more, more even than I did in the beginning. Is that part of grieving and coming to terms with the fact that it's over? Where is he gone, why did he change? He did change quite suddenly, it seemed to me something "exploded" in him. He always was and wanted to be the nice guy, he was sweet, caring, helpful. He always also said about himself that he is a "good" person. When I got angry (not about him), or desperate or depressed, he never understood it, always disliked it strongly. But I think people have to get angry or in a bad mood sometimes, you cannot always hide frustration, it's sometimes healthy to vent, isn't it? Cause if you don't, then there'll come a point, when it all comes out in a sort of a explosion. Like it happened to him. And now he seems to want to be all selfish, mean and destructive. He said: "maybe I'm crazy now, or maybe I have been crazy all these years, I don't know". It's a bit scary, I think, a bit like in Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde. (I think he is seeing another girl already, a colleague of his, they were flirting for a while and he admitted that he feels attracted to her.) I don't know if I'd want him back. I think we both would need to change. I reached out to him after 2 months NC to offer a lose email contact then and again telling each other how we are. I mean, come on, after 15 years together never hearing a word again?! We always were good friends as well. But to my great surprise he refused. He wants distance, he is enjoying his freedom and he is not sure if he can ever share that with me. Isn't that weird? He is technically the dumper, so he shouldn't have a problem with lose email contact. No? I felt hurt and rejected and so I know it is probably for the best. So I went back to NC and it's been 3 weeks now. Sorry, not too sure what this post is aiming at, guess I just needed to vent and would appreciate some advice and support on how to get through this valley of tears. I'm in total lethargy right now and cannot bring myself to do anything. Thanks for reading! Link to post Share on other sites
Ariess10 Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 You gotta ride he waves , up and down up and down .. That's how it's gonna be for awhile .. I mean 15 years is a very very long time , I was with my ex for 3 and I couldn't imagine 15 years then breaking up .. Hang in there I am sure with time you will get to a place where your at peace .. It's gonna be a long long road but you can do this 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chronograph Posted July 22, 2015 Author Share Posted July 22, 2015 Thanks for your words. "Riding the waves" is a good metaphor, I can't be reminded of it too often. It will get better again, it won't stay that way, it won't, it won't, it won't! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ariess10 Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 I feel like a surfer lol , it sucks no way around it .. But like you said it won't be like this forever 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chronograph Posted July 22, 2015 Author Share Posted July 22, 2015 I guess that's a good way of looking at it. I like it. We're all surfers! (Shame that all these emotional waves hurt so much though.) Link to post Share on other sites
Lostgirl50 Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I was married a long time too. My ex became someone I never thought he could me - mean, nasty, cold. And then warm the next. It came in waves.- like he couldn't figure out what to do with me. It will get better for you - it did me. The longer you are away from him the better. My advice - go with your gut feeling. You know what is right. Take it day by day, and if that is hard take it hour by hour. You will get better. Hugs ! Btw, you have accomplished so much already, moving , getting a job! That is amazing to me ....I did well to do the basics around my home.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Some good advice so far. Stay with the NC---you know that. And that extends down to checking his social media. Stay away from anything that puts you in proximity to him. Is it over forever? Will the two of you ever speak again? No one has answers to these questions. But you have to begin to conduct your life like he is dead. It's going to take a while. I'm 1 year and 4 months NC and much better now. Granted, we were only together a year. But I can't "activate" the same depth of pain I could before. Like your situation, I found myself in the midst of a different person. Would I want to be with that person now? No. I don't think the person she is today will be the person she ends up being, anyway. She's only 26 and a naive 26 at that. There will come a point in both your lives where you will look on each other more reasonably. You will look on him with the understanding that we all grow and change, some people more abruptly and violently than others. He will look on you with esteem, fondness and gratitude. But that is not for a while. In the meantime, deal with each day as best you can and make the most of your life. Find little things to enhance your life. Those little things add up. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BriNyc82 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 I'm so sorry, 15 years is half my lifetime. And yes it is absolutely normal to have emotions (a wide variety even!) It is healthy not to bottle things up. It seems like he's more concerned about being the nice guy than being who he really is. Perhaps who he really is, is scary underneath? I'm very proud that you have been so strong. I personally don't know if I could be as strong as you. I'm going through a similar situation (not nearly as long as you were together) but he was also the nice guy, the dumper, and wanted absolutely no contact after. Who knows anymore. Hang in there. I've found that when I'm really really down if I do something nice for someone else it helps. This forum has provided me so much strength and positivity too. Write away! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lostgirl50 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Wow ! All you posters are amazing - helpful and kind. I just want to give a little more insight. Just a couple of days ago I myself had a ah ha moment. My ex and I were married for 25 years with 2 kids , divorced officially for a year and a half. Long story short I had to see my ex due to my kids. I liken it to walking into a snake pit ! I walked away with the realization that the man I once loved was truly gone. The rose colored glasses were off and I could see him for what he is now - validation for me that I am much better off without him. People change - some for the worse. Being away from him I was letting the good memories interfer with reality. He is not the good guy he once was, therefore not the man for me now. The ah ha moment ! Perhaps I am at the top of the wave and not the botttom? I don't know. But hopefully , this may provide you with some hope. It will get better ! Hugs! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chronograph Posted July 23, 2015 Author Share Posted July 23, 2015 Wow ! All you posters are amazing - helpful and kind. I just want to give a little more insight. Just a couple of days ago I myself had a ah ha moment. My ex and I were married for 25 years with 2 kids , divorced officially for a year and a half. Long story short I had to see my ex due to my kids. I liken it to walking into a snake pit ! I walked away with the realization that the man I once loved was truly gone. The rose colored glasses were off and I could see him for what he is now - validation for me that I am much better off without him. People change - some for the worse. Being away from him I was letting the good memories interfer with reality. He is not the good guy he once was, therefore not the man for me now. The ah ha moment ! Perhaps I am at the top of the wave and not the botttom? I don't know. But hopefully , this may provide you with some hope. It will get better ! Hugs! Thanks! But you see, this is why I sometimes think "NC forever" can have a negative effect in that you only see the good memories, you idealize the person and the relationship and then you can't stop being sad and wanting them back. Whereas meeting them again after a while ... will make you realize just that: the person that you loved is truly gone and the one that is standing there in front of you doesn't appeal to you in any way any more. Still sad. But ... a relief. But maybe this sort of meeting can only happen after a long time after the breakup. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lostgirl50 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Thanks! But you see, this is why I sometimes think "NC forever" can have a negative effect in that you only see the good memories, you idealize the person and the relationship and then you can't stop being sad and wanting them back. Whereas meeting them again after a while ... will make you realize just that: the person that you loved is truly gone and the one that is standing there in front of you doesn't appeal to you in any way any more. Still sad. But ... a relief. But maybe this sort of meeting can only happen after a long time after the breakup. Yes, I think so. I was terrified and prepared for the worst. I went away smiling because I can see the real person he is now. But, when is the right time to do this? I have no idea. And the person you are seeing , he or she can try to lure you back. It is a tricky - I was lucky ! Perhaps, a list of all the bad things the person did to you posted on your fridge would help in the mean time? Big words ! Swear words help I think!! LOL! Hope this helps ! Link to post Share on other sites
iheartgoodmusic Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 The only thing that works to get past a breakup is time. You will go through cycles of different emotions. It takes time to heal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BriNyc82 Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 Thanks! But you see, this is why I sometimes think "NC forever" can have a negative effect in that you only see the good memories, you idealize the person and the relationship and then you can't stop being sad and wanting them back. No contact for me has had the exact opposite. At first yes, I could not stop thinking about all of the good times. Now it has become hard to remember those good times. I try to remember our conversations or the things he would do for me and it's getting harder and harder with each passing day. NC has helped me because it's giving me distance. Granted, he is the one who dumped me and wanted the strict NC which reiterates just how much it is really over, but as time goes on I am able to see the not so good sides to him also. It is sad to let him go, but I didn't let him go. He let me go........... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chronograph Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 I guess both can be true. NC for a good while is surely the best thing. But I think meeting your ex after say a year and facing just how much he has changed (for the worse) or how he has developed even more into that direction apart from you and your values in life ... I think that can also help to let go. Just facing the fact that this person you loved just doesn't exist anymore. Sad but true. Link to post Share on other sites
Xiomn Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Thanks for your words. "Riding the waves" is a good metaphor, I can't be reminded of it too often. It will get better again, it won't stay that way, it won't, it won't, it won't! Wave after wave.. pain slowly drifting away.. I find going the gym really helps to get your mind of things for a good hour or two if that's an option for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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