Go NC and ignore her?

[jonesey0]

Hi.

 

My ex-gf broke up with me 4 months ago. We were together for 13 very happy years. We lived together for 5 years, and were engaged for 1 year.

 

 

She said she now only sees me as a friend, and not as a boyfriend.

I found out later that she was crushing on a guy from work, but that didn't go anywhere, because he went back to his ex.

 

In these four months we have been together 4 times, and have talked/texted about once every two weeks, always very friendly to each other.

 

In the first two months, i was initiating contact. Then i stopped, and now it's 90% her.

 

She always answered to my contact, and called me on my birthday and everything (as did her whole family).

 

But everytime she contacts me is about seeing our dog, which stayed with me.

 

I think that she uses that as an excuse, because everytime she is with the dog she seems like she could care less.

 

And if she really missed the dog, she could be with her every week, as i have stated to her.

 

Now, my question his:

 

Is she stringing me along, and at the same time going out and trying to see if she meets someone?

 

Should i ignore her the next time she comes with the "see the dog" talk and go NC?

 

I should also mention that since the day we broke up, we have never talked about the relationship, getting back together, closure, etc.

 

Thanks in advance.

[Gaby]

Man what i would do, is ask her,

'Look i cant do this anymore, we had some great times together but you ended it so what do you want exactly?

[Ariess10]

I think she made herself very clear that she doesn't see you as a bf.. I would make myself so ghost she would forget my name .. Why be around someone that doesn't look at you the same anymore ..?? That's what I did with me ex. She doesn't want me in her life , fine you got it made myself a ghost and plan to stay that way .. There is so many other people in this world that would love to spend time with me .. Not gonna waste my life on someone that could careless

[jonesey0]

She also told some close friends that when she sees me with another woman she will know she made the worst mistake of her life. But she wants me to move on..

 

We started dating very young (she was 15, i was 18), and she said a close friend she wants to go back to be the person she was before dating me! And reconnect with her friends from that time, who are all now married and with kids.

 

She started to go out at weekends with some friends, who all have boyfriends/married.

 

This is just too confusing to me...

[Satu]

She also told some close friends that when she sees me with another woman she will know she made the worst mistake of her life. But she wants me to move on..

 

We started dating very young (she was 15, i was 18), and she said a close friend she wants to go back to be the person she was before dating me! And reconnect with her friends from that time, who are all now married and with kids.

 

She started to go out at weekends with some friends, who all have boyfriends/married.

 

*This is just too confusing to me...

 

 

There's nothing confusing here.

 

She ended the relationship.

 

She doesn't want to be with you.

 

End of story.

 

NC and ignore.

[Satu]

double post deleted

Edited July 20, 2015 by Satu

[Ariess10]

There really isn't much to say , like the other poster said she made it clear .. Do yourself a favor and go nc heal heal heal

[jonesey0]

It's hard to let go of someone with whom you grew up with. We were together almost half of our lives, we like the same things, we're the best friends of each other, and nobody knows one another like we do.

 

We never broke up, we never separated, we never even not talked to each other one single day throughout all this time. We never even were on the verge of breaking up during all this time. We were really a strong couple, and everybody acknowledged that.

 

She always was very insecure regarding everything but me (college, job, family, friends) and i was her rock, the one who always supported her through everything.

 

She was bordering on depression a bunch of times, and i always managed to cope with that.

 

I have been ok the last two months, i'm financially well estabilished, i have a good job, a house, a new car, i'm in the best shape of my life, everyone says i look 10 years younger.

 

But i know she is my soul mate, and i just hope eventally she will realize that.

 

I just can't wait for her forever, without moving on with my life. It's too hard.

[Satu]

*But i know she is my soul mate, and i just hope eventally she will realize that.

 

I just can't wait for her forever, without moving on with my life. It's too hard.

 

*No she isn't. She's a human being, just like any other.

 

When you look at her, and see her as a completely ordinary person, your healing will be complete.

 

 

Take care.

[Ariess10]

*No she isn't. She's a human being, just like any other.

 

When you look at her, and see her as a completely ordinary person, your healing will be complete.

 

 

Take care.

 

I like this

[jonesey0]

So i should just give up on her, or at least give up on waiting for her to come around ?

 

The truth is in four months she didnt show any regret, any emotion regarding the breakup, at least towards me.

 

She said a mutual friend that she thinks about it every night, that she has trouble sleeping, etc.

 

But in the end.. she hasnt given me any clue that she wants us to try again, or that she even thinks about it.

 

I feel like she just swiped of her mind all the years we were together, and has no feelings whatsoever towards me nowadays.

 

At least is what she shows me.

[Ariess10]

So i should just give up on her, or at least give up on waiting for her to come around ?

 

The truth is in four months she didnt show any regret, any emotion regarding the breakup, at least towards me.

 

She said a mutual friend that she thinks about it every night, that she has trouble sleeping, etc.

 

But in the end.. she hasnt given me any clue that she wants us to try again, or that she even thinks about it.

 

I feel like she just swiped of her mind all the years we were together, and has no feelings whatsoever towards me nowadays.

 

At least is what she shows me.

I feel the same way , 3 years and haven't heard from her in 4 months.. But she's doing me a favor because the relationship was broken that's why we broke up .. Her texting me would just hurt more .. I think our exes know it's over and time to move on .. It's just how it goes man there really isn't any other way to say it .. You spent time together , had fun grew and now it's over and time to let the past be the past .. (I am trying to take my own advise also) .. They are gone , so now it's time to grief as much as you need to and then move on with your life .. It's gonna be hard but it's something that needs to be done

[15Love]

Just stop answering her calls! She's using the dog thing to make sure you're still hanging on, she's getting all the fun of a pet with none of the work, (pets are a lot of love AND a lot of work!!) and you are not bound by law to give her visitation rights. Implement strict NC!

[Learningtowalkagain]

Just stop answering her calls! She's using the dog thing to make sure you're still hanging on, she's getting all the fun of a pet with none of the work, (pets are a lot of love AND a lot of work!!) and you are not bound by law to give her visitation rights. Implement strict NC!

 

Agree with this...she's stringing you along. I'm sure she still thinks about you and whether she made a mistake but I wouldn't wait around for her. You'd know if she wanted to give it another shot after 13 years. You've indicated she hasn't given you any hints so move on with your life. Go NC...you owe her nothing at this point.

[jonesey0]

Thanks for your input.

 

I agree that after 13 years, i can't be a safety net for her.

 

I can't allow her to put me in that position. That's not the way the person i loved for all my life should treat me.

 

That's very selfish behaviour, and not fitting of the person i knew and gave everything i had in me.

 

If you want to know the whole story, it's in this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/537991-girlfriend-broke-up-after-13-years

Edited July 20, 2015 by jonesey0

[Honey565]

Hi.

 

My ex-gf broke up with me 4 months ago. We were together for 13 very happy years. We lived together for 5 years, and were engaged for 1 year.

 

 

She said she now only sees me as a friend, and not as a boyfriend.

I found out later that she was crushing on a guy from work, but that didn't go anywhere, because he went back to his ex.

 

In these four months we have been together 4 times, and have talked/texted about once every two weeks, always very friendly to each other.

 

In the first two months, i was initiating contact. Then i stopped, and now it's 90% her.

 

She always answered to my contact, and called me on my birthday and everything (as did her whole family).

 

But everytime she contacts me is about seeing our dog, which stayed with me.

 

I think that she uses that as an excuse, because everytime she is with the dog she seems like she could care less.

 

And if she really missed the dog, she could be with her every week, as i have stated to her.

 

Now, my question his:

 

Is she stringing me along, and at the same time going out and trying to see if she meets someone?

 

Should i ignore her the next time she comes with the "see the dog" talk and go NC?

 

I should also mention that since the day we broke up, we have never talked about the relationship, getting back together, closure, etc.

 

Thanks in advance.

 

I am so sorry to hear about your case. You confusions are normal. You still love her, you didn't want to end that relationship, you see her as a soul mate,etc...

 

The truth is that nobody knows what is in her head. Nobody knows what does she think or feel really, but the point is that as much as it's hard not to think about it, you should not spend a minute of your time thinking about what is she thinking. It really doesn't matter. Yes, maybe she is questioning her decision, probably it is not easy for her neither, there are memories and she can't erase you from her mind and life just like that...but that doesn't mean that she wants to be with you. And that is the only truth. Only real thing...the rest are speculations.

 

That is the part you must focus on. I know how you feel. I have been there too and i allowed myself to keep contact for much longer than i should, pretending to be friend and that i can be friend. I got nothing out of it. I was getting just new confusion. He would tell me he questions decision, he would say he misses me, but after that nothing would happen. He was just giving me false hope and he wanted to keep me as a friend as long as possible, until he overcomes completely. Just like your girlfriend. She likes familiarity that she had with you, she doesn't want to lose that completely, that is why she is sticking around. But you must tell her that you can't be friend to her. Not because you don't care about her as person, not because you will stop thinking about her, but for your own sake and healing. Yes, there are always chances that she will change her mind, but usually they are very slim. You have been together for 13 years, it is not a short time. And probably she thought about ending it for a long time, so it's not something that she did without lots of thinking. So, chances that suddenly she will change her mind and want you back are very low.

 

My friendly advice would be to tell her openly that you can't be her friend and that if she really cares about you as person, she should leave you alone. Explain her. Many of us dumpees, think that dumper sticking around is a sign of his/her true affection and love. And it's not. It's opposite. When somebody loves you and cares about you truly as person, then he/she should want you to be happy and to move on. And that is what it is all about. You end with somebody and let them go. That is fair player. Even when you are dumper, that doesn't mean that you don't have some feelings, you can have, but you show that you are adult, responsible and considerate person once you completely go from life of the person that you have decided not to be with anymore. Love and care is letting go. At least, until the other person feels ready to re-establish contact and be friend. And what your girlfriend is doing is just using you to move on easier. And that is selfish. She left you, she doesn't want you, she should let you go. What friends? There is no friendship when one person loves and other doesn't. We can't be friends if we wish different thing from our union, don't we?

 

I am sorry that i didn't have somebody to tell me this long time ago. To tell me to cut all contacts immediately. It would save me from much more pain and disappointment. Cut it now and save yourself from more misery. You already had enough.

 

And only when you are away from her life, she can really feel your absence. Only when she really loses you she can maybe think of what she had with you. Chances are still very slim and you shouldn't hope for that. I know it is hard to know this, but face it now. It will be hard, you will touch the bottom, but after bottom, you can't fall any lower. You can just go up. And slowly you can rebuild your life.

Edited July 20, 2015 by Honey565

[Morphine]

If I may add to this topic: take a break. This is your first brwak up. 13 years is a lot of time. You guys probably became too comfortable and she lost attraction. Sounds to me that she needs some excitement in her life - case of GIGS. I strongly believe in reconciliation - only because I was just dumped by my gf of 7 years. I have a feeling that I will change my mind soon.

 

Going back to my previous point: try to reignite the spark?? It is not only about the money...

[Honey565]

If I may add to this topic: take a break. This is your first brwak up. 13 years is a lot of time. You guys probably became too comfortable and she lost attraction. Sounds to me that she needs some excitement in her life - case of GIGS. I strongly believe in reconciliation - only because I was just dumped by my gf of 7 years. I have a feeling that I will change my mind soon.

 

Going back to my previous point: try to reignite the spark?? It is not only about the money...

 

Maybe it's GIGS...but if not, he can lose his precious time and get hurt even more.

 

He can maybe wait month or two more and then go to her and tell her how he feels and ask her for the last time if she wants to be with him or not. If answer is no....erase her completely from life. Everything..no dog..no contact...nothing. It will be hard, but it is the only way to move on.

[jonesey0]

I was with her last week, because of our dog, and when i went to pick up the dog at her parents house, the parents went outside to say hi to me along with her, and it was really awkward.

 

I was very confident and easygoing (dying inside, but made an effort) and the parents behaved like we were still together, asking about my vacations and family. I noticed her mother was constantly looking at her, maybe to see her reaction towards me.

 

One other thing: One month ago, when we were together, i asked her if she wanted to go for some coffee, to catch up. She hesitated for a while, and then said maybe some other time, because she had all her family at home.

 

A close friend of hers then told me she wanted to have coffee with me, but not in our parents hometown (our parents live 500m from each other), because it would be awkward.

[Honey565]

I was with her last week, because of our dog, and when i went to pick up the dog at her parents house, the parents went outside to say hi to me along with her, and it was really awkward.

 

I was very confident and easygoing (dying inside, but made an effort) and the parents behaved like we were still together, asking about my vacations and family. I noticed her mother was constantly looking at her, maybe to see her reaction towards me.

 

One other thing: One month ago, when we were together, i asked her if she wanted to go for some coffee, to catch up. She hesitated for a while, and then said maybe some other time, because she had all her family at home.

 

A close friend of hers then told me she wanted to have coffee with me, but not in our parents hometown (our parents live 500m from each other), because it would be awkward.

 

You are desperately searching for signs from her and trying to dig out something. She wanted, but didn't want..her friend said. There is goodsaying:

 

When you want something you search for the way, when you don't want you search for an excuse.

 

Think about it and try not to see something that doesn't exist. If she loved you and wanted to be with you, she would be all over you. It would be clear and obvious and you wouldn't need to interpret hidden messages and read between the lines in your favor.

 

Try to understand that she has feelings but she clearly doesn't want that relationship and there is always a very good reason behind it. It is not 0% and 100%. It is not that you leave somebody and feel nothing. No, you can feel many things, but that is not anymore what it was. And it is just confusing and giving false hopes to somebody who loves and wants to be with you. You are hurting yourself even more. Just stop it now, for your own sake. I am telling you this from the best intention and as person who went though same as you hoping for years and building false hopes over breadcrumbs. Be smarter than me.

[jonesey0]

You are desperately searching for signs from her and trying to dig out something. She wanted, but didn't want..her friend said. There is goodsaying:

 

When you want something you search for the way, when you don't want you search for an excuse.

 

Think about it and try not to see something that doesn't exist. If she loved you and wanted to be with you, she would be all over you. It would be clear and obvious and you wouldn't need to interpret hidden messages and read between the lines in your favor.

 

Try to understand that she has feelings but she clearly doesn't want that relationship and there is always a very good reason behind it. It is not 0% and 100%. It is not that you leave somebody and feel nothing. No, you can feel many things, but that is not anymore what it was. And it is just confusing and giving false hopes to somebody who loves and wants to be with you. You are hurting yourself even more. Just stop it now, for your own sake. I am telling you this from the best intention and as person who went though same as you hoping for years and building false hopes over breadcrumbs. Be smarter than me.

I know you're right.

 

I'm looking for anything to give me hope, but deep inside i know that in this moment there's nothing to hang on to.

 

It's just really hard to think we're never gonna be together again, and that all that we've been through in the past and all the plans we had for our future don't mean anything to her right now.

[Morphine]

Maybe it's GIGS...but if not, he can lose his precious time and get hurt even more.

 

He can maybe wait month or two more and then go to her and tell her how he feels and ask her for the last time if she wants to be with him or not. If answer is no....erase her completely from life. Everything..no dog..no contact...nothing. It will be hard, but it is the only way to move on.

 

Oh no, I am not saying he must wait. All I am saying is that they need to take a break and see what time will tell. In the meantime, he should focus on himself and seeing other girls.

 

I know you're right.

 

I'm looking for anything to give me hope, but deep inside i know that in this moment there's nothing to hang on to.

 

It's just really hard to think we're never gonna be together again, and that all that we've been through in the past and all the plans we had for our future don't mean anything to her right now.

 

This is so me. After 7 years of relationship I am looking for anything to tell me - there is still a hope. I have a good career ahead of me (a doctor) and all I can think about at this moment is her and the future plans I had with her. Even though it is clear SHE DOES NOT WANT ME IN HER LIFE. She hurt me. I learned what means to have psychological pain. It is much worse than physical...But I am still searching for signs. I wish I could stop.

 

The best thing we can do is to forget about our Ex's. At least for now. I'd love if she suddenly change her mind and say - I want us back. I hope I'd be over her then and say no. Reality will be different. I will probably obsess over her in the next 6 months or so while she gets engaged with her new bf. She has changed so much...

[Honey565]

Guys, i know how you are feeling. It is so hard and it's devastating.

 

But try putting it this way. It will never be the same. Chances are so low that they might change their minds and realize you are so great, that they are better with you, etc..

 

In fact, it might even happen during the progress of healing, but if you are too available, and if the doors are wide open for indirect, confusing messages, then they will use it. But the intention will never be direct and open. When the doors are closed, then they will try to open them only if intention is real. When doors are opened, then any message will pass through, without any filter. And that message will hurt you even more. It will raise hope and then you will feel awful when you see it was not real. You will be rejected over and over again. And one rejection is just fine.

 

You will suffer and it will be hard. But cut everything and now. You don't need anything from them. You don't need their pity or guilt. When somebody leaves you, they must face new reality now. The sooner they face it, better for you. It will give you time to distance from everything and help in the healing process. And if nothing, at least your ex will respect you even more.

[jonesey0]

Guys, i know how you are feeling. It is so hard and it's devastating.

 

But try putting it this way. It will never be the same. Chances are so low that they might change their minds and realize you are so great, that they are better with you, etc..

 

In fact, it might even happen during the progress of healing, but if you are too available, and if the doors are wide open for indirect, confusing messages, then they will use it. But the intention will never be direct and open. When the doors are closed, then they will try to open them only if intention is real. When doors are opened, then any message will pass through, without any filter. And that message will hurt you even more. It will raise hope and then you will feel awful when you see it was not real. You will be rejected over and over again. And one rejection is just fine.

 

You will suffer and it will be hard. But cut everything and now. You don't need anything from them. You don't need their pity or guilt. When somebody leaves you, they must face new reality now. The sooner they face it, better for you. It will give you time to distance from everything and help in the healing process. And if nothing, at least your ex will respect you even more.

Thanks for your words, i know you're right.

 

The morning she left our house she was crying her eyes out, and the last thing she said to me was begging me to not stop talking to her, that she couldn't handle that.

 

Looking back, i should have done that right away. I was available everytime she wanted throughout these four months, and with a smile on my face, even thogh i was and still am hurting like hell.

[Morphine]

Looking back, i should have done that right away. I was available everytime she wanted throughout these four months, and with a smile on my face, even thogh i was and still am hurting like hell.

 

Going NC is going to be the hardest thing to do...for you and for anyone else who is in love with their ex's. I know I am. I am dying from inside.