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New guy dealing with cheating wife


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Hi all. Been married 12 years. I was emotionally unavailable to my wife for first 5 years or so of our marriage. During that time she cheated on me. I knew it but until 2 years ago she admitted it. It was 3-4 times and then it ended and she promised herself never again. Even tho I played my part in this. I can't forgive her. Daily reminders ect.... How can I get past it? When fid you know it was time to walk away. I want to make it work. I just don't know how.

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Friskyone4u

Zoomor

 

Maybe you can't get over it because you are not sure she has not done it again. You did not give much detail.

 

If, and only if, you are certain she has remained faithful (and trust your gut), you might consider MC (marriage counseling). But let me caution you you need to insure by telling the therapist what you need to focus on. You do not want to be paying for someone to tell you to just suck it up and move on or focus on what you have done wrong. You were in the same marriage and did not cheat. That is 100% on her.

 

Infidelity can and is a deal breaker for many. If that is your position you do not need to defend it or apologize for it. If you are thinking of even the possibility of divorce you need to see an attorney to find out exactly what your rights are and what you life will look like financially should you choose that option.

 

If you try to reconcile, the minimum you should have as non negotiable boundaries for your WW are

(1) absolutely total no contact with OM

(2) total transparency of her electronic devices

(3) totl commitment by your wife to do everything humanely possible to help you heal

 

She should be wanting to do all three of those voluntarily and not be looking at it as punishment. Lastly, if this affair was with a co worker and they are still working together that needs to change

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Thanks for the reply. It was not a co worker. I have 100% of her passwords, phone, bills email everything. It was a guy from up the street that no longer lives there. Also our house is up for sale and we are in the process of moving because I hate driving home and seeing the house. I contacted the guy thru Facebook and their stories lined up. I don't think she has done it again not do I think she will. I think at this point there isn't much more she can do. We will be fine for a few weeks then boom it bothers me again. I haven't thought about divorce but I have thought how can this work. How can I trust that if u get hurt at work or in a car accident she will stay to help. I have had many female partners but only one before my wife I considered a girl friend. I was with that girl 2 years. And that ended cause she cheated. I guess I'm just starting to think it's my fault.

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Friskyone4u

Get the thought about it being your fault out of your head!!!!!!!

 

A lot of experts say it takes 2-5 years to recover from this even if BOTH partners are doing the hard work.

 

Three things in your favor

(1) OM is not geographically around

(2) they are not co-workers

(3) she is not resisting any transparency

 

I am NOT a shrink, but if you want to stay married, i would do the following

ACCEPT THAT SHE DID IT BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO AND DID NOT THINK SHE WOULD GET CAUGHT. Don't obsess about the why because you can spend years searching for that and still not know. probably more than one contributing factor, but bottom like she did it

ACCEPT THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO ONE OR THING YOU DO THAT CAN TOTALLY GUARANTEE IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. Better communication and marriage coping skills can greatly minimize the chances of it happening again.

 

i think you might want to try IC rather than MC to help you since it seems you are convinced your wife is doing all the right things. One thing i would not recommend is a separation. All that does is keep you out of each others way in most cases and without verifiable rules on that you might find she sleeps with someone else and uses the fact that she thought you were done as an excuse.

 

Face the demons together or split.

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TaraMaiden2
Get the thought about it being your fault out of your head!!!!!!!

I completely and totally agree with this.

 

HOWEVER:

 

The OP wisely acknowledged his responsibility within the marriage by admitting he was emotionally unavailable to her in the first 5 years.

 

So hats off to him for at least owning that part.

OP:

 

A couple is 100% responsible for their 50% of the relationship.

 

To begin with, when you married, you each vowed certain things to one another.

You do not elaborate how you were emotionally unavailable, nor why, but you do at least see there may have been a catalyst for her straying.

 

That is no excuse on her part.

 

But it gives fuel to her infidelity.

 

I personally would suggest both individual counselling, for you both, initially, then get together for Marriage/couples counselling.

 

Understand this:

Couples counselling is not necessarily designed to keep you together.

It's a communication tool. It enables you to both talk with one another plainly, on a safe and level playing field.

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I completely and totally agree with this.

 

HOWEVER:

 

The OP wisely acknowledged his responsibility within the marriage by admitting he was emotionally unavailable to her in the first 5 years.

 

So hats off to him for at least owning that part.

OP:

 

A couple is 100% responsible for their 50% of the relationship.

 

To begin with, when you married, you each vowed certain things to one another.

You do not elaborate how you were emotionally unavailable, nor why, but you do at least see there may have been a catalyst for her straying.

 

That is no excuse on her part.

 

But it gives fuel to her infidelity.

 

I personally would suggest both individual counselling, for you both, initially, then get together for Marriage/couples counselling.

 

Understand this:

Couples counselling is not necessarily designed to keep you together.

It's a communication tool. It enables you to both talk with one another plainly, on a safe and level playing field.

 

She was pregnant with our first son 3 months after we meant, married with 2 kids 3 years later and a house. By this time she was 24 I was 27. I Was addicted to playing video games. Sad to say but yes it's true. All I did was work and game and take kids to sporting events on weekends. I would go a few days without even saying hello. I was not good to her at all. I agree if it was the other way around I would of threw the computer out and canceled Internet. Not cheated. This is why I think she wanted me to play vid games. But I guess I'll never know. Since she told me we do a lot together. Gym, walk, talk, vacations. But then one day like today BAM I lose it and start thinking all crazy thoughts.

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TaraMaiden2
She was pregnant with our first son 3 months after we meant, married with 2 kids 3 years later and a house. By this time she was 24 I was 27. I Was addicted to playing video games. Sad to say but yes it's true. All I did was work and game and take kids to sporting events on weekends. I would go a few days without even saying hello. I was not good to her at all. I agree if it was the other way around I would of threw the computer out and canceled Internet. Not cheated. This is why I think she wanted me to play vid games. But I guess I'll never know. Since she told me we do a lot together. Gym, walk, talk, vacations. But then one day like today BAM I lose it and start thinking all crazy thoughts.

Women are emotional creatures and feel insecure unless they are validated (this is a great generalisation, but on the whole, it's true).

 

Many men can separate the emotional from the sex. Many women need emotional feeling when they have sex.

I would suggest that this guy not only had sex with her, but filled a gap that you weren't nourishing, by being emotionally unavailable.

 

Did she ever remonstrate with you? Ask you to not play so much? Did you two ever argue about what you did (or rather didn't) contribute?

 

I'm not apportioning blame here, but I'm just seeking clarification on the situation....

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She did say stuff to me. I just didn't listen or give her the time of day. And at one point before it happened she told me she was going to cheat. I told her good do it so I can leave you. I'm not mad at her. I understand why she did it. I'm not saying she is right or wrong. I think she could of done more with us and not cheat. I would never give up on her. That's the part that bothers me I guess. I wasn't there but feel like she could do more to help us. We are working on it but I'm having a hard time trusting her. Yes she gives me full access to anything at a drop of a dime no questions asked. I feel at this point it's all on me. I've been a better husband and realize I want it to work. I just have no idea how.

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And yes we looked into MC but at 185 an hour that's hard to do with car payments, mortgage, kids school and her school.

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TaraMaiden2
She did say stuff to me. I just didn't listen or give her the time of day. And at one point before it happened she told me she was going to cheat. I told her good do it so I can leave you. I'm not mad at her. I understand why she did it. I'm not saying she is right or wrong. I think she could of done more with us and not cheat.

Well, forgive me for being blunt, but why didn't YOU do more?

You virtually told her to do precisely what she did. She called your bluff.

 

And she tried, but you didn't listen.

 

See, I still reckon she is at fault for cheating.

But I also hold her responsible for not leaving you, because pushed to that limit, I would have walked.

 

That's a cruel thing to say to your wife, when you probably knew all along that actually she had a point, and that you were just being defensive.

 

 

 

I would never give up on her. That's the part that bothers me I guess.

 

You don't get it.

 

In her eyes, that's EXACTLY what you did.

 

By telling her to go cheat, because then you could leave her, you were basically throwing her to the lions...

 

I wasn't there but feel like she could do more to help us.

Why do you feel she should have made more effort when you were not making any?

What more could she have done?

She tried to talk to you, but you woudn't give her the time of day.

What more did you want her to do?

 

We are working on it but I'm having a hard time trusting her.

That's really not fair though, is it?

Not trusting her is a bit rich coming from a man who wouldn't give his wife the time of day, and actually told her to cheat because then he can leave her.

 

I'm sure you will maintain that you didn't really mean it.

I don't doubt you.

But at the time, you hurt her, and at the time - you DID mean it.

Cutting words like that, stay with women a long time.... so for you to not trust her is an entitlement you don't really have....

 

Yes she gives me full access to anything at a drop of a dime no questions asked. I feel at this point it's all on me. I've been a better husband and realize I want it to work. I just have no idea how.

 

Own your part.

Don't just give lip service to the fact that you were emotionally distant.

 

Accept that you contributed to her infidelity, and to a certain extent, emotionally pushed her over the edge.

 

As I have said: She should never have actually cheated.

But shove a person in the chest, hard enough and often enough, and they will at one point, retaliate....

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Your right in everything you said. And yes at the time I did mean it. The question is. How can it be fixed? What do I do when I get fixated on it? How do I get past it?

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TaraMaiden2
Your right in everything you said. And yes at the time I did mean it. The question is. How can it be fixed? What do I do when I get fixated on it? How do I get past it?

 

I hate to tell you this but the only way I believe you can get past it, is to acknowledge WHY you feel this way.

 

And you feel this way - because you want to.

 

You WANT her to carry the can.

you WANT her to bear the blame.

You WANT her to bend over backwards to mend this.

 

because the more she does, or agrees to do - the less guilty you need to feel about the fact that you played a part in this.

 

You have to face, acknowledge, accept, own and be responsible for the fact that in your own way, you played just as big a part in the demise of this relationship as she did by cheating.

 

Look at yourself in the mirror, and tell yourself:

 

"Suck it up, big guy.

If you hadn't ..... she wouldn't have ....."

 

You MUST bear the share of the load.

 

The trust you have lost in her, simply hides your own feelings about what you did to help create this mess.

 

The more you can justify NOT trusting her, the less you have to focus on just what happened at your end.

 

You have to be honest with yourself, but more importantly, you have to be honest with her.

 

And you have to look her in the eye and tell her:

 

"I hate what you did, but I know I pushed you.

So I also hate what I did, because it was my neglect of you, my choosing to deliberately ignore my own wrong-doings, and not listening, and being unavailable to you, that I see helped drive you into the arms of another guy.

 

We are both responsible for the way things have turned out.

Yes, you cheated.

But I told you to.

You called my bluff.

For that, I am sorry.

Because I realise that at that point, you were pleading with me to love you as I should have done, and I deliberately turned you away.

 

We need to fix this.

I would really love to see whether we can get back on an even keel.

 

Enough of the accusations, mis-trust and bad feelings.

We can fix this together if you want to.

 

I want to.

 

Do you?"

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