Jump to content

How can love be gone??


Chronograph

Recommended Posts

Chronograph

Hello,

 

I have been reading posts on this site for a couple of days now and it really helped me. In fact sometimes it’s the only thing I can bring myself to do in the evenings or during the day.

 

My ex broke up with me 2 months ago. It all happened quite suddenly for me, we had been together for 15 years and I’m 33, so it’s nearly half of my life. It was a huge shock and I had to change so many things so rapidly that I think I hardly had enough time to realize what is actually going on. After realizing there is no way of fighting for him I decided to move out of our flat and back to the city where I had been living before (we were living abroad together the last 3 years, in a place where I really loved to be, a place I had called my home, where I had friends). So because I couldn’t afford to stay in that place I decided to move back. So my life and environment completely changed. It's as if my whole life has exploded.

 

And I really find it so hard to have no contact and to imagine that this is really final, that we might never be in contact again. That we never see each other again. After 15 years! I can’t get my head around it! The reasons why he broke up with me are not 100% clear. I think there is – among other things – another woman involved. I also see other reasons why both he and I were not happy all of the time but I honestly believed that we could have worked it out, we seemed to be on a good path to find new ways of dealing with old patterns.

 

Anyway, I’m devastated. The mornings are the most difficult. I usually wake up feeling constricted, with a heavy heart, chest and stomach. Memories of our time together flash my brain totally randomly and uncontrolled. It's as if he has died. I ask myself whom I have known for all these years. He seems to go through massive changes and maybe has an identity / quarterlife crisis, or whatever. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. But I haven’t stopped loving him and I don’t know if I ever will. How can we never ever be interested again in how we are, if we have spent such a long time as lovers? How can love ever be gone, if it was there?

How can you deal and cope with that painful and absurd fact that someone was soo close for such a long time and all of a sudden is completely gone?!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

This thread has a link to an article with a really good overview of the 'science' or biology of breakups. The science behind your pain.

 

But anyway, just put your time in. It's all you can do. Best thing I can tell you is that it happens to everyone sooner or later and it does get better. :)

 

hugs

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear you're hurting.

 

You'll get through it. It doesn't feel like it, but you will.

 

You need to take very good care of yourself to do so. Consistently, day after day.

 

 

Here is something I put together for myself which might help you:

 

 

 

1. Recognise that you're in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 1.5 litres for a female.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to.

 

 

Take care.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
HowMightI-live

Hey, so im sorry that you're going through this. Im sure a lot of people know what it is you're going through and can relate to the earth shattering feeling of lost. I too can relate and i too have asked those same questions you're here asking today. I spent 3 years with someone i loved dearly and when that person left i had no idea what to do with the love i felt for her or where it would go. To be honest, i'm about 7 and a half months in and i still dont have those answers but i know it gets better. The pain that you wake up to and experience right before drifting off into sleep, that gets better. It subsides and grows distant, it stops hurting as much. You begin to feel indifferent toward those constant questions you once yearned to be answered. You begin to feel okay with time. Hard day's are hard day's and they come and go. You're up and down, that's life. As long as you're accepting to these things you're processing, healing, and.growing; even when it.feels like you aren't. So just try to.accept that you dont have the answers today and the problem is already solved. Don't over think it or anything, try to just allow yourself to grieve, mourn, and feel without feeling like there's something to solve or an explanation needed. Take it day by day, it gets better.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Chronograph

Thank you so much for your words and support! It's good to know that there are people out there, who understand what I'm going through. The morning feeling gets better every day now. Would be nice if there was a button to stop these randomly occuring memories, though (at least for a while).

 

It's also like ... I kind of can imagine that I will get over it at some point in the future but there is a part of me which just doesn't want to get over it. Cause that would mean to really let it go. And that's ****ing scary!

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Thank you so much for your words and support! It's good to know that there are people out there, who understand what I'm going through. The morning feeling gets better every day now. Would be nice if there was a button to stop these randomly occuring memories, though (at least for a while).

 

It's also like ... I kind of can imagine that I will get over it at some point in the future but there is a part of me which just doesn't want to get over it. Cause that would mean to really let it go. And that's ****ing scary!

 

There is no magic solution to what you're experiencing. We all wish there was. Having gone thru it myself two years ago, the only thing that works is time passing w/absolute NC w/the ex. Out of site, out of mind.

 

 

Don't idolize the ex or relationship. Any relationship that endures a break up is not meant to be. I know it sucks. I know we all don't want to really "let go", but it's what it takes.

 

 

When you feel better enough to date again, you'll start really feeling like the worst is behind you. It allows you to realize there are MILLIONS of folks like you looking for their next great relationship.

 

 

I'm 2 years out from my ex dumping me. Though she reappeared 6 months afterward wanting another opportunity, which I declined. If I ran into her today w/a guy at a store, it wouldn't bother me in the least. Time away from her along with my GF have made me thankful she ended it. I'd have no problem saying hello to them both.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Thank you so much for your words and support! It's good to know that there are people out there, who understand what I'm going through. The morning feeling gets better every day now. Would be nice if there was a button to stop these randomly occuring memories, though (at least for a while).

 

It's also like ... I kind of can imagine that I will get over it at some point in the future but there is a part of me which just doesn't want to get over it. Cause that would mean to really let it go. And that's ****ing scary!

 

The way you are feeling is 100% normal and to be expected.

 

The final letting go will happen in its own time.

 

Take care.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Chronograph

Yeah, you're right but it's hard not to fall into the trap of idolizing the ex or the relationship. I'm really good at this idolizing thing (especially when I don't see them or hear from them, so this is a downside of NC) ... did it on a massive scale with the man I loved before my ex.

But hey, today I remembered and listed all the things that were not cool in our relationship and I have to admit to myself (I have to stay honest) that I myself was not so happy the last couple of years. That immediately made me feel better. Thanks everyone for your support!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yeah, you're right but it's hard not to fall into the trap of idolizing the ex or the relationship. I'm really good at this idolizing thing (especially when I don't see them or hear from them, so this is a downside of NC) ... did it on a massive scale with the man I loved before my ex.

But hey, today I remembered and listed all the things that were not cool in our relationship and I have to admit to myself (I have to stay honest) that I myself was not so happy the last couple of years. That immediately made me feel better. Thanks everyone for your support!

 

I did the same exact thing as a suggestion from someone on this site. Write down the pros and cons of the ex. I was BRUTALLY honest in doing this and I was SHOCKED at how few "pros" I could really identify. I also knew that relationship was toxic and horribly dysfunctional. Going thru that exercise just kept me grounded in NOT allowing me to contact her again and allow me to move onto someone else.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...