Jump to content

Trying to sort my new path out


Recommended Posts

Hello All,

 

I shared my story this past April in another thread. The link is here if you wish to read over all the gory details. :)

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/523848-break-up-6-months-ago-still-struggling#post6263617

 

For almost seven months post-breakup (he broke up with me after a near engagement and three years together and for me it was a total blindside), I have tried extremely hard to pick up the pieces and build a new life in the same city as him. The problem I was finding was this. Almost 4 years ago now, I packed my car and drove to this city without a job and barely housing and not knowing anyone. I was there for two months when I met my now ex.

 

Naturally what happened was that he swept me off my feet and we began a whirlwind romance. We moved into together, I started meeting friends through him, he went through some medical challenges/procedures, he was working hard as was I and on and on. We were hustling and having a ton of fun in those three years. He constantly talked about the future and I still look back and feel that he treated me very well. However, I now realize he isn't a great communicator and let tiny things build up until they imploded for him/us.

 

Afterward my challenge was this- I was in a city where I didn't have any close friends of my 'own'. All my friends were friends with him or had a connection with him. So, that was difficult enough. Additionally, we were sharing our dog every other week or so. For me, this was making the healing process incredibly slow. I still saw him, would come up to our/my prior home to 'exchange' our dog, heard about him through friends, saw memories of him everywhere throughout the city, etc. He makes substantially more money that I do. So, he was traveling around the state/country as I would watch our dog. He got a new car and on and on. So, no struggles for him really. On the other hand, with my social service job, I was struggling to pay rent, buy food and was sleeping on an air mattress. I felt that I had tumbled down Maslow's hierarchy of needs- down to the very bottom. It was exhausting to say the least.

 

I made the recent decision to move back to my hometown to hopefully, heal a bit faster, implement NC, have a lower cost of living and be closer to old friends and family. However, I never really felt at home here in the past and now that I'm here, I'm having those same feelings. In short, I don't feel that I belong anywhere. It's been hard b/c I thought I was building a family with my ex- as he would allude to 'our family' pics on social media, talk about our future constantly, etc. Also, I'm in my early 30s which has perhaps made this a bit harder (?). And of course, I was the stand by and support her man gf, and I greatly supported him in his career over the 3 years as he climbed the corporate ladder from bottom to top. We talked about finances and career and it was decided that we would 'invest' in his career now as it made sense (quicker promotions, greater income), and my career and my time would come in a few years. I was fine with this as I saw it as logical and as an investment in our future together.

 

So, now I feel duped and bit dumb, of course. I try to monitor myself really well and try my best to stay out of a 'victim' mindset but sometimes I almost have to laugh at how I really got the short end of the stick on this one.

 

I guess the feedback and suggestions that I am looking for are; has anyone moved back to there hometown and has it been helpful? Has anyone just moved to a totally new city and started completely over? Any great coping skills/strategies that I'm missing? Has anyone felt extremely displaced after a break up as I do?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Having a fresh place without memories of your EX can be quite helpful. Keep yourself busy. Do things that make you happy or at least content.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
RogerWallace111

Sorry you're dealing with this. Leaving town was wise and probably the only good choice given the emotional/social/financial circumstances. But being back "home" can bring it's own type of mental turmoil. Especially when you feel like you don't even belong there.

 

I left the city my ex and I had lived in almost immediately after the split. We'd moved there together from what was more-or-less "home" but things only lasted several months after that. I had an extremely timely opportunity to send my belongings back with my step dad who was coincidentally in town with his van, I took my car down, and was back "home", 800 miles away, before I'd even fully processed the situation. Serious ripping the bandaid off. I stayed with friends and had some fun, distracting times but within a week or so I felt terrible being there. It's been years since I felt like I "belonged" anywhere I was, and the new city with my ex had been the closest semblance to that in recent memory. So leaving that and coming back "home" felt deeply wrong. Anyway, I stored some stuff and packed up my car by the end of week two, and got out of there. Now I'm in new city #2 of the year. Couple friends here, no job yet, couch surfing. It feels much better over all, with it's potential, etc, but there's a new array of equally rough mental/emotional hurdles.

 

So, yes, I've felt extremely displaced and still do. But between the dark times it's a more exciting displacement. It's hard to say if staying around your hometown for a while will/could be ultimately beneficial or healthy. For me it wasn't but I'd only been gone months where as you'd been gone years. Plus the majority of my family and friends were no longer there anyway.

 

You should think about what you want for yourself in the future & where you want it to be. I know this f*cked up your plans, and I feel for you. If you did feel like a victim it'd be understandable. But I've noticed that early 30s seems to be a pretty typical time for the ending of a major relationship these days. There are lots of guys your age who are single and geared toward marriage, etc., that will be the case most everywhere. I don't know any specific coping strategies, but I recommend doing some soul searching over what you want career & location-wise for yourself. Concern yourself with the relatively immediate future and not the big picture. That will precipitate in time.

 

Anyway. Seriously sorry you had to be uprooted from your life. I'm a few years younger than you and didn't spend as much time building what I had, but I know the feeling in my own way. Out here in a huge city figuring it out from the ground up, while the ex sits in our old apartment, with our cat, working, living her daily routine. Trust that you'll somehow be better for the hardship and just do what you can to be proactive in the moment.

Edited by RogerWallace111
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Chronograph

Jenlynn, your story sounds very similar to mine! I'm also in the beginning of my thirties and I was living abroad with my ex, in a city I always wanted to live in. I felt at home there. But he had the better job I could not exist there on my own. So when we broke up I decided quite quickly that I'll move back to the city where we had been living before. (Not my hometown, but the city I feel most at home in my home country, so I'm kind of back home now). And I feel totally displaced. I also moved back and had to organize everything in the middle of the emotional process. I haven't had a chance of processing the breakup cause I moved so quickly. It's like a reverse culture shock, on top of the break up shock. I always wanted to return eventually, but of course not under these circumstances.

 

A friend of mine said moving to a new place puts people under a lot of stress. So moving in itself is very stressful and takes time to process. Moving on top of a breakup must be like a trauma really. So that's where I'm at at the moment. But I know even if I would have stayed in this city everything would hurt just as much. There is a certain relief that I got "out of there" and that I can't run into my ex. But surely it will be harder to go there again in a few months time to visit my friends and all because it will be very much associated with the breakup.

 

To me the place where I'm now feels alien and I find lots of aspects that I dislike. I don't feel that I belong here anymore. I have changed over these three years abroad and I'm afraid to lose my new self. But I guess once you move away and live somewhere else for a certain amount of time ... you kind of lose that total sense of belonging anyway. Sad but true.

 

I don't know if that helps and you can relate in any way?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Chronograph

... oh and I think what helps me is asking myself the question: Did I have a better option? - No. Was there anything I could have done to stay there and then have a similarly good prospect to build a life there on my own (being able to afford a decent flat on my own, get a good job and so on)? - No. Or at least it would have been such a huge struggle. And I didn't know why I should put myself through that struggle as well. It's kind of: Give yourself a break.

Cause the place where I'm back now is so much cheaper, I can actually afford a whole flat here (instead of a small shabby room there) and I have friends and family here. It is all very rational, my heart still cries out for that other place cause it has been my home, I was living there with him, it was a dream of mine to live there and I had made good friends there as well. But, yeah. I try to be thankful that I was able to live there for three years at all. And who knows, in a few years I might go back there on my own.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hi Chronograph,

 

Yes, our stories/experience does sound very similar. I agree that for me to move, it was the rational/logical/financially smart thing to do. I just felt that I was struggling way too much for it to be healthy and I felt no love and support in what I once considered my home.

 

I hope to use my hometown as a landing pad/launching pad and give myself the time and space to heal and figure out my next steps. Wishing you well in your journey and healing. Your sharing was helpful. :)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...