Avoidance

[Van Norden]

What do you think about avoiding the same places and keeping pictures off your sight?

 

Last afternoon my therapist told me that the next step of my mourning would be looking at those pictures I've got zipped, for that would help to process the pain and death of this love eventually. And that the only way to forget completely about her in a mutual place (something I literally dread nowadays and makes me anxious as hell) is to actually make it happen and, though at first times it may be painful, then I'd be able to pass by with some indifference.

 

Is she nuts or do you consider that a good advice? How do you cope with looking at pictures or stumbling on particular places with exes?

[Ariess10]

I don't know about that, I am a huge fan of out of sight out of mind .. In time I think it will take care of its self .. I know for a fact I defiantly don't wanna see pics or my ex right now .. It would set me back big time

[jenlynn]

I think it depends more on your personality. I've definitely looked through pics of my ex and I but I also haven't moved on yet (or I'm just in the beginning stages).

 

Have you written a letter to your ex yet? I found this helpful. In the letter you write all your feelings without editing them b/c in the end, you won't be giving/sending the letter. You can then 'destroy' it when you feel the time is right. For me, I would take the pics off my phone and save them somewhere else. I would take mementos and put them in a box and put them in the closet (out of sight and mind). I wouldn't want to look at pics until I'm through the healing process. After I'm healed, I would like to think I could sort through the pics and appreciate the time we had together but not mourn him/our time.

[Satu]

There is a right time for doing these things, and I don't think it's a good idea to force it.

 

I systematically removed every sign that I'd ever had anything to do with a certain ex - photographs, letters, odd little forgotten things; but it took me a while to get to the point where that was the right thing to do.

 

Don't force it if you don't feel ready.

 

Don't force anything.

[d0nnivain]

Presumably your therapist went to school & has a license to give advice. We here on LS are a bunch of amateurs who don't actually know you. Given those two facts why on earth would you reject a professional's advice in favor of ours? That is illogical. There has to be a reason your therapist wants you to look at the pictures.

 

 

While I have always been a big out of sight / out of mind person & part of my break up ritual involves putting away the mementoes, my recommendation to you is to talk to your therapist and explore more about the basis for this recommendation that you look at the pictures. Then follow the therapist's advice or get a new therapist but do not substitute the recommendations you get on a message board for quality mental help.

[Ariess10]

I have removed myself form my ex and everything that has to do with her, so I can heal and lick my wounds .. I don't wanna see , talk , hear or pics just because I think it does no good , I mean the relationship is over for a reason it's time to heal

[Van Norden]

Presumably your therapist went to school & has a license to give advice. We here on LS are a bunch of amateurs who don't actually know you. Given those two facts why on earth would you reject a professional's advice in favor of ours? That is illogical. There has to be a reason your therapist wants you to look at the pictures.

 

 

While I have always been a big out of sight / out of mind person & part of my break up ritual involves putting away the mementoes, my recommendation to you is to talk to your therapist and explore more about the basis for this recommendation that you look at the pictures. Then follow the therapist's advice or get a new therapist but do not substitute the recommendations you get on a message board for quality mental help.

Well, had I listened to my first therapist I'd still be taking meds for schizophrenia when it's clearly not the case. Since then I always take professional advice with a grain of salt.

[Yummm]

It's a tough one..

 

I my case I see my ex almost daily, we work 2 minutes from eachother. Nomatter how much I try to avoid her we always end up bumping into eachother 1 way or another.

 

Everytime it happens my heart sinks, but it's less and less gut wrenching each time. I'm also attending a weekly social event in August where my ex goes, so we'll have to see about that.

 

With regards to pictures, they are all deleted off my phone, they are stored on a folder on my computer that is locked and I don't know the password. I personally wouldn't delete them, they are memories of a lovely experience in my life and I would like to keep them for the sake of it.

 

I did give her all the toys and cards she gave me back to her on the night she broke up with me, I couldn't keep them, but pictures/videos are nice and I don't mind holding onto them out of sight.

 

We will definitely find somebody else to love and take plenty more memorable pictures with!

 

Out of sight out of mind definitely helps, but like somebody said it depends on the person.

[jen1447]

What do you think about avoiding the same places and keeping pictures off your sight?

 

Last afternoon my therapist told me that the next step of my mourning would be looking at those pictures I've got zipped, for that would help to process the pain and death of this love eventually. And that the only way to forget completely about her in a mutual place (something I literally dread nowadays and makes me anxious as hell) is to actually make it happen and, though at first times it may be painful, then I'd be able to pass by with some indifference.

 

Is she nuts or do you consider that a good advice? How do you cope with looking at pictures or stumbling on particular places with exes?

 

IMO your ability to deal with that depends on how traumatic it was and how recent. If you go to some shared spot 2 weeks after a particularly debilitating breakup, the results probably won't be good, but if you do it two years later after you've processed it all, it can give you some peace. I've found that those places actually lose their power over time, and seeing that it's just a place with no mystical aura firsthand can be liberating.

[aloneinaz]

I think you realize that there are good therapists and not so good therapists. As to her advice? We don't know exactly what you're going through that the recommend exposure therapy to reduce your potential reactions to seeing her or running into her.

 

 

I'm also a STRONG advocate of out of sight, out of mind. I also removed everything from my computer with my last break up. Some photos were simply deleted while others where moved to a storage device. I didn't want easy access to them while I healed.

 

 

The only thing that I've found is time away from the ex eases things. The more time away from them and out of sight, out of mind, the easier it will be to not care anymore. Also, dating when your ready and meeting someone new also makes you indifferent to someone from your past.

[RogerWallace111]

It's a tough one..

 

I my case I see my ex almost daily, we work 2 minutes from eachother. Nomatter how much I try to avoid her we always end up bumping into eachother 1 way or another.

 

Everytime it happens my heart sinks, but it's less and less gut wrenching each time.

 

This is interesting. I'm also of the out of sight out of mind school of thought, but I could see there being something to destigmatization via repeated confrontation. But to just revisit some photos or a place once would probably be far from helpful for most.

[fireflywy]

I had to do out of sight, out of mind. I kept going back and forth on being open to contact, (and yes I called her, thought I was fine, but it hurt) trying to be the stronger guy, and I just couldn't do it.

 

I finally had so much anxiety, depression, strees, etc (mainly because of how devalued I felt knowing how quickly she moved on) that I had to see a doctor because I was having shoulder pains and chest pains. Apparently there IS a condition known as "broken heart syndrome" and I was developing it.

 

I finally just blocked her and am actively avoiding going out to places where I might see her. Sure, talking to her last gave me some degree of "closure" but it also opened up different wounds.

 

Everyone is different though. I'm also advocating no looking/seeing/meeting until you feel stronger.

[Jonp219]

If you're injured do you strain your body or do you allow your limbs to recover first? I think you need a new therapist.

[Itspointless]

If you're injured do you strain your body or do you allow your limbs to recover first? I think you need a new therapist.

Emotions do not magically go away of we just let them hibernate. There could be good reasons that his therapist is turning to this suggestion.

[na49]

Obviously the therapist is a trained professional, but I don't agree with all of her advice. Why reopen the wounds when you are clearly still hurting? Looking at the pictures just brings you back to old pain whereas getting rid of them is a way of moving forward/accepting it's over.

 

I agree with her telling you to visit the mutual places though. (assuming you actually WANT to go there) There will always be awkwardness associated with those places whether you go there now or wait another few months. The only real way to get over that initial awkwardness would be to walk in, and create new memories. That's only if you want to go to these places, and avoiding them is completely cool if it's what is best for you.

 

I love my university, but have started to resent it just because I know that my ex is there. I could go to graduate school here, but am choosing a harder path to go somewhere else just to get away from her/memories associated with her. The less likely I am to see her, the better. I think you're in the same boat as me.

[loveiswar101]

Like most i'm an out of sight out of mind person.

 

All pictures I had have been moved to a usb put in envelope and tucked away high in a cupboard. One day I hope to be able to plug that usb in flick though the pictures and think of the good times I had with her. But not having a lump in my throat and teary eyes while doing so.

 

But again your therapist might have a different idea for you that will help. Your paying him/her, so up to you if take advice or not.

[contel3]

I actually agree with your therapist...to some extent. When you're past the initial stages it can be therapeutic to actually re-open old wounds. For me it was talking to my ex every now and then. It helped me to keep in mind why I wanted to stay broken up.

 

I also always dreaded having to meet him in person (for work) and every time I felt like it was the end of the world because I was so panicked. Felt bad for a while. But then it got better. After a while I realised his presence didn't bother me anymore. I actually got over it faster than I would with no contact because I couldn't idealise him. I think no contact is great and does help you to heal but on a much more superficial level. Once you can really talk to the person and not feel anything is when you are completely healed. You can go no contact for years and feel great then meet the person and still feel uneasy. It depends on the situation though. And on your character.

[dyna85]

Hey Van, my honest opinion is it's too early to look at those photos. It just serves to puncture the wound a bit and cause the pain to be that much more. I'd say give it 2 yrs then you can look. For now, I'd focus on you. It's bad enough thinking about the person. You don't need her image in your face again to haunt you further.

[Chronograph]

It's a tricky one. Don't know about looking at old photos but going to the places might be a good idea. Maybe it would be about creating new associations, new memories and to reclaim these places for you and your own life. That is, if you like the places (like restaurants or parks or shops or whatever it is) and don't want to completely give up going there. Otherwise you let the breakup restrict you more than necessary maybe.

 

And I agree, completely healed means you can see the person, meet them, look into their eyes and don't feel any pain. And if you avoid contact for years and years and years and then meet them - it could still strike you. But still I'd say no contact for a good while is best. I guess it is just hard to know if you are really completely healed and over it without ever seeing your ex.