Moving on, but dealing with some fears...

[Aurora_227]

Hello, all!

 

My ex and I have been broken up for over 2 months. We are in our early twenties. It was his first relationship, but not mine, and we dated for a year and a few months. He ended things because he felt there wasn't a spark, couldn't see a future with me, something was missing, etc. It was terrible, we both cried terribly hard during the breakup, but I've come a long way, even in these last few months.

 

Right after the breakup, he was trying too hard to be friends. I told him I needed more time and went NC for a month (I know this isn't long, but I had valid reasons). I was experiencing great anxiety because he now lives in my area and I wanted to at least break the ice before I awkwardly run into him again. I recently reached out to him to send him a friendly message. He responded well, although our mutual friends said he may be confused as to why I reached out. My only guess is that perhaps he assumed I wouldn't be ready for much longer to open the lines of communication. Not sure.

 

Anyway, while I'm healing and potentially working towards some type of friendship/friendly communication (I haven't send him another message - ball is in his court), I'm dealing with these feelings that I'll never find someone as good as him. I'm sure this isn't true, but it's hard. He treated me so well during our relationship and he was my best friend. How do you overcome these doubts and fears? I'm trying to visualize my dream guy to help, but it's still a struggle. Thanks so much!

[mossycup]

I empathize with you. I sometimes feel the same way about my ex fiance- he treated me amazingly until he dumped me out of nowhere, although not for the same reasons, and without as much emotion/connection - he was just clear and direct with his reasons and stopped all communication but for a polite encouraging email to me about a work project.

 

I too struggle because I thought he was the "one" and let me tell you, as hard as it is to feel that way in your early twenties, try feeling it when you are in your mid thirties, have been in many relationships, and spent time alone too, and never thought you'd find someone good, and then did, and then he leaves, and not that he wasted those years, but, those were two less years I have to procreate should I wish to. Trying to pick up the pieces and make sense is so hard.

 

What I am thinking is this: there isn't someone "better", there is just someone different. When you find that person, you will forget your ex and you will deeply enjoy the new person. He WILL be "better" in the sense that you will enjoy your time with him more than feeling ****ty because your ex left (because your ex isn't just the person who was kind to you - he is also the person who dumped you, so any loving partner is going to be better than that), and maybe even enjoy your time with him MORE than you did with your ex. Truthfully there were men in my past who were objectively perhaps "better" than my current ex, ie smarter, better looking, who I even felt more passionately about, but when I found my ex he just felt so great compared to past loves. And, hopefully someday I will find a person who feels so great compared to my ex. That's cause we live in the present, and if a person is nice, we will enjoy them.

 

I find it really hard because I want my ex to be "the one", since that is what he felt like, but, as time passes I am beginning to accept he might not be. This feeling is VERY relieving, even if i only experience it for five seconds once a week. Hopefully it will grow, and then life will feel normal and good again, and they will mean less and less. And good things will happen and my heart will be open to those good things.

[aloneinaz]

You'll find someone that's better and who rocks your world in more areas. Trust me. Being much older than you and having many relationships under my belt, I can say that each relationship after the last was better. Why? I knew what I liked in women and knew what were deal breakers. You get better at "filtering" potential partners during the dating process. You don't allow yourself to get into a heavy relationship with someone who doesn't meet your criteria. That's what dating is about. Trying people on to see who fits and who doesn't.

 

 

All relationships have risks. You have to accept them unless you want to be alone. You have to understand that sometimes people you fall for were not who you thought they were, especially after the "honeymoon phase" ends. People use a lot of words but their actions are what speak the loudest. With that, you have to have a sense of humor in all relationships, in my opinion. We ALL take them way too seriously. The more we can roll with the flow, the easier our lives will be for us.

[Ariess10]

I know how you feel , 3 months NC and sometimes I feel I won't have what I had with my ex.. The truth is I won't , you'll never have what you had With your ex with someone new that just a fact . But you will have a different connection just how it goes . Rest assure you will move on and have different feelings and memories ..

[Aurora_227]

What I am thinking is this: there isn't someone "better", there is just someone different. When you find that person, you will forget your ex and you will deeply enjoy the new person. He WILL be "better" in the sense that you will enjoy your time with him more than feeling ****ty because your ex left (because your ex isn't just the person who was kind to you - he is also the person who dumped you, so any loving partner is going to be better than that), and maybe even enjoy your time with him MORE than you did with your ex. Truthfully there were men in my past who were objectively perhaps "better" than my current ex, ie smarter, better looking, who I even felt more passionately about, but when I found my ex he just felt so great compared to past loves. And, hopefully someday I will find a person who feels so great compared to my ex. That's cause we live in the present, and if a person is nice, we will enjoy them.

 

THIS. And this is something major to remember - I keep romanticizing the good parts of our relationship. Don't get me wrong, they WERE good, but in the end, he did break up with me. A lot of people think he's going to regret it, but in the end, that doesn't really matter.

 

I'm very sorry you're going through this, too. I'm sure it's far scarier to be a little older and go through a breakup when you were expecting to stay with them and possibly have a family. The thought of this also scares me, but I'll try to take one day at a time. I'm sure that there are other people out there that can make us/you/me feel those same emotions we felt with our exes, but of course, fresh out of a breakup it certainly doesn't feel that way.

[Aurora_227]

You'll find someone that's better and who rocks your world in more areas. Trust me. Being much older than you and having many relationships under my belt, I can say that each relationship after the last was better. Why? I knew what I liked in women and knew what were deal breakers. You get better at "filtering" potential partners during the dating process. You don't allow yourself to get into a heavy relationship with someone who doesn't meet your criteria. That's what dating is about. Trying people on to see who fits and who doesn't.

 

 

All relationships have risks. You have to accept them unless you want to be alone. You have to understand that sometimes people you fall for were not who you thought they were, especially after the "honeymoon phase" ends. People use a lot of words but their actions are what speak the loudest. With that, you have to have a sense of humor in all relationships, in my opinion. We ALL take them way too seriously. The more we can roll with the flow, the easier our lives will be for us.

 

This makes me feel better, thank you. I know I'm young and trying to keep a positive attitude about it. It's been difficult for me because in my group of friends, I'm known as the "traveler" - the one who will travel and see the world, experience new things, while they settle down, get married, and have children (as many of my friends already have children, married/engaged, or are in serious relationships). While they mean it in a positive way, to me, I want to be the "traveler" with a companion. I thought this was going to be my ex (in fact, we did travel) but this was not the case, and that's okay. I just hope that I can find that companion again one day.

 

Perhaps you have some advice, from a man's perspective, of re-entering the dating world. Since I have become single, I have encountered more "creepy" people flirting with me. That sounds terrible, but it's the truth - they try to cross way too many boundaries too quickly (of course, this isn't the case with all of them). I'm not opposed to going out on dates, but so far I've had red flags go up immediately on almost every guy (no, not just because I'm still dealing with the breakup - because I genuinely saw/heard things that concerned me).

[Aurora_227]

I know how you feel , 3 months NC and sometimes I feel I won't have what I had with my ex.. The truth is I won't , you'll never have what you had With your ex with someone new that just a fact . But you will have a different connection just how it goes . Rest assure you will move on and have different feelings and memories ..

 

This is true, thank you. I know this is a truth because I've experienced this in my own dating life already...it's just hard believing it right after a breakup. I do hope you're coping with it well and moving along in your life because life is short!

[Ariess10]

This makes me feel better, thank you. I know I'm young and trying to keep a positive attitude about it. It's been difficult for me because in my group of friends, I'm known as the "traveler" - the one who will travel and see the world, experience new things, while they settle down, get married, and have children (as many of my friends already have children, married/engaged, or are in serious relationships). While they mean it in a positive way, to me, I want to be the "traveler" with a companion. I thought this was going to be my ex (in fact, we did travel) but this was not the case, and that's okay. I just hope that I can find that companion again one day.

 

Perhaps you have some advice, from a man's perspective, of re-entering the dating world. Since I have become single, I have encountered more "creepy" people flirting with me. That sounds terrible, but it's the truth - they try to cross way too many boundaries too quickly (of course, this isn't the case with all of them). I'm not opposed to going out on dates, but so far I've had red flags go up immediately on almost every guy (no, not just because I'm still dealing with the breakup - because I genuinely saw/heard things that concerned me).

the fact you are seeing red flags is great , I need to start opening my eyes .. As for the creeps it's gonna happen just how it goes , I have heard many girls talk about this so I try not to be one of them lol

[Aurora_227]

the fact you are seeing red flags is great , I need to start opening my eyes .. As for the creeps it's gonna happen just how it goes , I have heard many girls talk about this so I try not to be one of them lol

 

Sure, of course! That's just part of dating in general and honestly, it really goes both ways with the "creepiness" factor (guys and girls can be too push/creepy). I think the key is to take some time and really focus on yourself. Some people can jump right back in and start dating again with no problems. Good for them! I think this time, for me at least, I've tried to take time to heal and focus more on what I want in a relationship instead of just trying to fill the hole with another relationship that may not be what I want. Perhaps I should have stuck with NC longer, but I think that for me, it's helped me get over the anxiety of speaking with him again.

 

If you're wanting to open your mind and see red flags, try remembering things you didn't like from past relationships...for example, I had an ex who would always get on Reddit on his phone when we were on dates. He would literally block the conversation with his phone, as he held it in front of his face. I had another who was talking about marriage within the first few months of us dating and I was in high school at the time. If you're on the same page, that's fine, but I most definitely was not ready for marriage at 18 years old. Kudos to the ones that are.

 

This doesn't mean the moment you find something you don't like you should run. No one's perfect! But if there is absolutely, positively, something major that shuts you off, at least acknowledge it to yourself. If it's something you can work past, that's great. But don't settle for a new relationship just because it's the first thing that comes along.

[aloneinaz]

 

Perhaps you have some advice, from a man's perspective, of re-entering the dating world. Since I have become single, I have encountered more "creepy" people flirting with me. That sounds terrible, but it's the truth - they try to cross way too many boundaries too quickly (of course, this isn't the case with all of them). I'm not opposed to going out on dates, but so far I've had red flags go up immediately on almost every guy (no, not just because I'm still dealing with the breakup - because I genuinely saw/heard things that concerned me).

 

 

I don't know how you're going about meeting potential dates. For me, being older, busy, etc.. I found OLD was a great medium to meet women. The key though is to "filter" big time. I'd never met anyone for a first date that didn't pass several phases. The last one, a phone conversation before meeting. I disqualified so many potential dates at the phone call stage. I wanted quality dates that could lead to a second date. I wanted to know as best possible that we were a potential fit for me and for her.

 

 

When I really filtered hard and used this technique, I started having good dates. I met my now 2 year GF who lives w/me after several dates that had potential but after a few dates, red flags appeared.

 

 

You have to be patient and have a BIG since of humor in dating. Don't take it seriously. Take it as a fun experience. Meeting a potential partner isn't life and death and shouldn't be viewed this way. Sadly, too many people do.

[Aurora_227]

I don't know how you're going about meeting potential dates. For me, being older, busy, etc.. I found OLD was a great medium to meet women. The key though is to "filter" big time. I'd never met anyone for a first date that didn't pass several phases. The last one, a phone conversation before meeting. I disqualified so many potential dates at the phone call stage. I wanted quality dates that could lead to a second date. I wanted to know as best possible that we were a potential fit for me and for her.

 

 

When I really filtered hard and used this technique, I started having good dates. I met my now 2 year GF who lives w/me after several dates that had potential but after a few dates, red flags appeared.

 

 

You have to be patient and have a BIG since of humor in dating. Don't take it seriously. Take it as a fun experience. Meeting a potential partner isn't life and death and shouldn't be viewed this way. Sadly, too many people do.

 

Hmm, when you said OLD, what do you mean? Maybe I'm missing something.

 

I'm not actively going out and looking for dates. I'm in this limbo where I'm getting past this last relationship and looking forward to another, but I know I'm not quite ready to take the leap into another one (unless some amazing guy comes along). The ones that have contacted me were over social media. Some seemed very nice, although I'm not sure if they were compatible. Others were somewhat nice...but not so much. I live in a college town and attend a school where partying is at the forefront of most everyone's minds. The dating scene here more or less involves meeting people in bars, which I'm not against, but I'm not entirely fond of either.

 

And this is true - many of us do take dating too seriously. I know I do! But for me, it has a lot to do with my sensitivity. I'm highly sensitive to the emotions of both myself and others, so while I do enjoy dating, it also takes a toll on me...that's something I'm working on with my counselor. Dating should be fun, not stressful.