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I just can't tell myself to move on


Jonp219

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I'm doing all I can to move forward in my life. I'm going to some Meetups, going to school, taking a public-speaking course every week, i'm reading self-help books, and watching self-help videos.

 

Seeing my ex the other day really set me back, it had a bigger effect on me than I thought it would. It made me realize that I haven't moved on, I'm still fixated on her. I wish I could just tell myself, "Hey, that's it she's gone she's dead to you MOVE ON!" But my mind is playing tricks on me...

 

Being stagnant in the dating world doesn't help me either. No matter how much one may work on themselves you still think about what she's doing with someone else, you still want to know if there's someone out there for you, you still want to know that someone else will give a **** about you. Yes, yes I know, self-love, I know. However, I can't move on knowing that I will never be able to reciprocate the same love I once had. I have to have some certainty on the matter, but of course that's impossible.

 

It's true what they say, when you do your best you can walk away with your head held high, but when you don't you will always live in regret. Maybe that's the reason I can't move on, the love I showed her was half-assed because I was scared of falling too hard (How stupid can I be?). I'm trying to be gentle with myself, but it keeps eating away at me.

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He who says he can, and he who says he can't are both usually right.

 

You're going to have to make moving on an ACTIVE decision. Dust yourself off, and keep walking. I'm now five months post break up and still think about her everyday, but I'm doing my best to move on. This includes, everytime a wistful thought comes up that perhaps she's thinking of me, of me saying "Nope. She isn't. It wasn't right." and then I try and focus on some day in the future, and some other face. Of course, the thought of dating right now scares me because I know I'm weak, but I'm still moving.

 

Its an ACTIVE, everyday process.

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Oh, and if you think about dating, and wonder if there is someone else out there for you, take five minutes each day, and without guilt or restraint, IMAGINE yourself with someone in your mind. You can make her as beautiful as you want, as kind, as funny, etc, and then pick a place you'd like to go and imagine doing it with someone who FITS with you.

 

You might be surprised, how much energy this brings to you. Its just a simple act of visualization.

 

As for your guilt, visualize yourself being better in the above scenario actively dealing with your thoughts and issues, and then imagine that person still embracing a more balanced you. Its also empowering.

 

 

You can do it Jon.

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Thanks Firefly.

 

I'm trying, I really am. But ever since I saw her I feel like I have to be extremely vigilant now. I'm always looking out for her car, and she's suddenly taken form in my mind (yet again). I just hate all the time I'm taking to recover from all of this, I wish the process would move a little faster.

 

I tried the visualization trick you taught me last night and it worked, it made me feel a little better.

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SycamoreCircle

It's too early. These things take time.

 

I'm over a year now. There were some opportunities months back to start things up with different girls and I just couldn't do it. Both of them were women I met online.

 

But guess what? I met a woman on the street the other day. She's a tourist. We have a date planned and I'm looking forward to it. Nothing huge, nothing incredible, but at least I'm not beating myself up over liking the idea of seeing her.

 

It tells me I'm making some progress. But I'm a year and 3 months.

 

You need to give it time...

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It's too early. These things take time.

 

I'm over a year now. There were some opportunities months back to start things up with different girls and I just couldn't do it. Both of them were women I met online.

 

But guess what? I met a woman on the street the other day. She's a tourist. We have a date planned and I'm looking forward to it. Nothing huge, nothing incredible, but at least I'm not beating myself up over liking the idea of seeing her.

 

It tells me I'm making some progress. But I'm a year and 3 months.

 

You need to give it time...

 

I think I still have my shield up, it might take some time for me to bring it back down, I feel women can sense it on me.

 

I'm having trouble meeting women, everything is moving at 100 mph. I never tired talking to women on the street even as a youngin', so I kind of have an anxiety towards it. All the women I've ever gotten involved with were connected to mutual friends, and since high school my circle has shrunk.

 

Anyway, I just got to keep pushing through. Have fun on your date I hope everything goes well.

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SycamoreCircle

You're still a very wounded person. Everything is raw.

 

Practice little things. Practice building self-confidence. Have you ever spent the night out in the wilderness by yourself? Try it sometime. You're in NYC, right? Take a few days and go out to Harriman State Park. There's trails you can hike and shelters you can sleep under. Learn how to build a fire by yourself with nothing more than a lighter or matches. Cook your food over the fire. Rent a sani-stick from an outdoor store and use it to sterilize water that you get from streams. Drink that.

 

I'm telling you---fierce survival things like that build your self-worth and help put your life and place in perspective. If you have any questions, just drop me a PM sometime.

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ballycastle
You're still a very wounded person. Everything is raw.

 

Practice little things. Practice building self-confidence. Have you ever spent the night out in the wilderness by yourself? Try it sometime. You're in NYC, right? Take a few days and go out to Harriman State Park. There's trails you can hike and shelters you can sleep under. Learn how to build a fire by yourself with nothing more than a lighter or matches. Cook your food over the fire. Rent a sani-stick from an outdoor store and use it to sterilize water that you get from streams. Drink that.

 

I'm telling you---fierce survival things like that build your self-worth and help put your life and place in perspective. If you have any questions, just drop me a PM sometime.

 

 

I can really relate to the OP. I am 2 years post breakup and I am not recovered. I have changed jobs twice, socialised, taken on therapy but I have not come to terms with my loss. It gets a whole lot worse and much more difficult as you get older...everyone is paired off/no one willing to take a chance with a new partner or settle.

 

 

I am now of the firm belief that for me it is the end, ie/ my last love was indeed that.

 

 

 

 

I am having therapy to come to terms with that realisation and having to live with it, particularly worse knowing I am always the only one of my friends with out a mate.

 

 

I feel like a freak/failure

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It's too early. These things take time.

 

I'm over a year now. There were some opportunities months back to start things up with different girls and I just couldn't do it. Both of them were women I met online.

 

But guess what? I met a woman on the street the other day. She's a tourist. We have a date planned and I'm looking forward to it. Nothing huge, nothing incredible, but at least I'm not beating myself up over liking the idea of seeing her.

 

It tells me I'm making some progress. But I'm a year and 3 months.

 

You need to give it time...

 

This 100%. There is NO timeline for this. You just keep going.

 

As for the visualization, when you do it, get EXCITED about it. Welcome the mystery, the thought of a new first kiss, a fun date, a walk under the stars, her joining you in something fun, etc. Then tell yourself, its okay that you're not there yet, that you want feel bad even if you DO get out there and things don't rush along, but also tell yourself that you're happy you get some downtime to really kick other things in the ass right now and that you ARE growing; that this is a transition point for a young, intelligent, good looking guy, who has time on his hands.

 

Enjoy it. I know it isn't easy to do, and it takes an active mind set, but it DOES help.

 

I actually enjoy the mystery of it all myself. I know I don't want to date, which in a strange way makes me even more fearless if I strike up a conversation because I'm more relaxed. The mystery and excitement, howard, comes from not knowing when the lightining may strike.

 

And when it does, it should be awesome because I know I'm long overdue for something wonderful to be RETURNED to me. For you, you are going to have a chance to pour somethi g awesome into someone else.

 

:)

 

Anyway, keep up the visualizations. Five minutes everyday at least.

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I can really relate to the OP. I am 2 years post breakup and I am not recovered. I have changed jobs twice, socialised, taken on therapy but I have not come to terms with my loss. It gets a whole lot worse and much more difficult as you get older...everyone is paired off/no one willing to take a chance with a new partner or settle.

 

 

I am now of the firm belief that for me it is the end, ie/ my last love was indeed that.

 

 

 

 

I am having therapy to come to terms with that realisation and having to live with it, particularly worse knowing I am always the only one of my friends with out a mate.

 

 

I feel like a freak/failure

 

Nope. You're not a failure. I don't know your story, but you're NOT a failure and statistics are showing that there is a trend of people remaining single long and longer. Just look at the divorce rate. Their isnt failure, there are just good attempts that, because we are dealing with other people who are tremendously fluid and always changing, that just didn't work.

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I can really relate to the OP. I am 2 years post breakup and I am not recovered. I have changed jobs twice, socialised, taken on therapy but I have not come to terms with my loss. It gets a whole lot worse and much more difficult as you get older...everyone is paired off/no one willing to take a chance with a new partner or settle.

 

 

I am now of the firm belief that for me it is the end, ie/ my last love was indeed that.

 

 

 

 

I am having therapy to come to terms with that realisation and having to live with it, particularly worse knowing I am always the only one of my friends with out a mate.

 

 

I feel like a freak/failure

 

There is no such thing as "The one". " The One" is the person you're currently with and for you that spot is current vacant for someone special to fill.

 

Let me tell you something, my ex wasn't the greatest girl I've ever met nor was she my favorite girlfriend. My favorite was the girl before her, me and her would of made the perfect pair, but the distance hurt us so we broke it off. My ex and I spent 4 years together and for a lot of those years I questioned whether she was the one or not. She was head over heels for me while I was considering if marriage or moving in was in our future.

 

I just didn't know, subconsciously I truly wanted it to end on multiple occasions. However, I DID love her, you can't be with someone for 4 years and not love them. I loved her just as much or probably more than I loved that first girl because SHE was my girl at the time, SHE was my one and ONLY at the time.

 

What's my point? My point is it doesn't matter who your ex is. You WILL love again. Not once did I say to myself, "Aww man she's lame the other girl was way better", however I did tell myself once " Idk, this might not be right for me, but I will do my best to make it work for the both of us". I knew she wasn't a good fit for me, she and I have ALOT to work on. She needs to do some soul searching herself, but I can only worry about me. Its all about who you're with at the time.

 

You said you socialize? What does that mean? We socialize with people everyday. Are you putting yourself out there? Are you meeting new people? Sometimes we say we socialize but we're really only talking to people within confines of our comfort zone. You have to put yourself in some uncomfortable positions to truly grow. It's those challenges that are going to make you forget about your ex.

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RogerWallace111

Interesting reading your posts. You know, in a cerebral way, many truths about your feelings and the reality of the situation. But you struggle letting go. I know how that is. You acknowledge that there's no "one", that you questioned your relationship throughout, even in your case that felt that your previous ex was a better fit for you. I don't have any real advice but it all highlights that aspect of the feeling human's psyche and heart that can be so f*cking frustrating. That place beyond all logic that leaves one regretful, pining- whatever- when it is of no f*cking use and your brain isn't even on the same page.

 

I think the feeling of not having done all you could or showing your love how you could have can make moving on more difficult but I don't think it's a particularly key factor. Being able to say that you loved an ex 100%, gave it your all and the relationship still didn't "succeed" doesn't seem to comfort people. It eliminates a lot of what-if?s but would bring a whole new slew of why?s. But that's not to say it isn't difficult to live with. Though I showed my love very passionately most of the time in my most-recent relationship, I have my own regrets that contribute to that feeling of the book not being fully closed. Those what-ifs. Namely being a scathing *sshole when my ego was threatened and pridefully acting like I could leave it all no sweat, when the opposite was apparently true.

 

There's a lot to learn for future relationships in this sort of sh*t. There's a tendency for people to go "if you ever question it's not worth pursuing", etc. And I entertained those thoughts in both of my serious relationships. If I have some doubt that she is fully what I want/need should I bother ? Thoughts that subconsciously gave me license to behave as if the consequences wouldn't affect me. But the truth is, if at the heart of it, you feel connected to the person (I don't know to what degree you did to your ex), it's worth giving the potential positives as much attention as the potential negatives.

 

It's funny that the people who do the most "dating" and experience "love" with the largest spectrum of people are also, typically, by nature, the most detached and able to move fluidly from one to the next. While the over-thinking types would be most fortunate to have done that sort of weeding-through and honing of taste, so they could at least know their turmoil is/was over a worthily rare partner.

 

Anyway... With all you say about your time in the relationship and feelings toward this girl, I hope you can "move on" sooner than later. Sounds like she really didn't do it for ya. If it's really the feelings of having reciprocated half-assedly that are keeping you stuck, that should be easier to get over than, say, feeling that she was super rare and you loved her madly. I suspect that when youre ready some new female interaction will help you come to terms with or simply forget that regret.

 

Oh and also- if coming out of this relationship you really feel like it's simply "who you're with at the time" that matters, that's a pretty blatant indicator that she wasn't too desirable in your eyes. I don't believe in "the one" either but I do believe there will be those with whom a given person connects with in a particularly unique, special way. You'll know you've got a more important one when it transcends them just being your lady of the moment.

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I can really relate to the OP. I am 2 years post breakup and I am not recovered. I have changed jobs twice, socialised, taken on therapy but I have not come to terms with my loss. It gets a whole lot worse and much more difficult as you get older...everyone is paired off/no one willing to take a chance with a new partner or settle.

 

 

I am now of the firm belief that for me it is the end, ie/ my last love was indeed that.

 

 

 

 

I am having therapy to come to terms with that realisation and having to live with it, particularly worse knowing I am always the only one of my friends with out a mate.

 

 

I feel like a freak/failure

seems to me that you need a new therapist , no matter how old you are you can always start over that's a fact .. I don't know how old you are , but I am 32 and coming out of a 3 year and I plan on moving in and having another relationship .. So for you to say it's the end is just bull ..
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Interesting reading your posts. You know, in a cerebral way, many truths about your feelings and the reality of the situation. But you struggle letting go. I know how that is. You acknowledge that there's no "one", that you questioned your relationship throughout, even in your case that felt that your previous ex was a better fit for you. I don't have any real advice but it all highlights that aspect of the feeling human's psyche and heart that can be so f*cking frustrating. That place beyond all logic that leaves one regretful, pining- whatever- when it is of no f*cking use and your brain isn't even on the same page.

 

I think the feeling of not having done all you could or showing your love how you could have can make moving on more difficult but I don't think it's a particularly key factor. Being able to say that you loved an ex 100%, gave it your all and the relationship still didn't "succeed" doesn't seem to comfort people. It eliminates a lot of what-if?s but would bring a whole new slew of why?s. But that's not to say it isn't difficult to live with. Though I showed my love very passionately most of the time in my most-recent relationship, I have my own regrets that contribute to that feeling of the book not being fully closed. Those what-ifs. Namely being a scathing *sshole when my ego was threatened and pridefully acting like I could leave it all no sweat, when the opposite was apparently true.

 

There's a lot to learn for future relationships in this sort of sh*t. There's a tendency for people to go "if you ever question it's not worth pursuing", etc. And I entertained those thoughts in both of my serious relationships. If I have some doubt that she is fully what I want/need should I bother ? Thoughts that subconsciously gave me license to behave as if the consequences wouldn't affect me. But the truth is, if at the heart of it, you feel connected to the person (I don't know to what degree you did to your ex), it's worth giving the potential positives as much attention as the potential negatives.

 

It's funny that the people who do the most "dating" and experience "love" with the largest spectrum of people are also, typically, by nature, the most detached and able to move fluidly from one to the next. While the over-thinking types would be most fortunate to have done that sort of weeding-through and honing of taste, so they could at least know their turmoil is/was over a worthily rare partner.

 

Anyway... With all you say about your time in the relationship and feelings toward this girl, I hope you can "move on" sooner than later. Sounds like she really didn't do it for ya. If it's really the feelings of having reciprocated half-assedly that are keeping you stuck, that should be easier to get over than, say, feeling that she was super rare and you loved her madly. I suspect that when youre ready some new female interaction will help you come to terms with or simply forget that regret.

 

Oh and also- if coming out of this relationship you really feel like it's simply "who you're with at the time" that matters, that's a pretty blatant indicator that she wasn't too desirable in your eyes. I don't believe in "the one" either but I do believe there will be those with whom a given person connects with in a particularly unique, special way. You'll know you've got a more important one when it transcends them just being your lady of the moment.

 

I appreciate your response Mr. Wallace. Your first paragraph in this reaponse is very much true. The human psyche is a funny thing, its a physical computer that is constantly spewing out data that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Even now I can't make TOTAL sense of what is it that I'm feeling.

 

There are many things that connected me to my ex. I'm not going to name all of them now, but there were plenty. Problem was our personalites conflicted, a lot. Every time I would try to be a great boyfriend we would end up fighting for some stupid reason. Something about US was always off. Something I noticed a lot was her best friend and had a boy friend and those 2 had a tubulous relationship (physical fights, constant break up , yelling etc.) However they had a very apparent connection, something me and my ex didn't have. Me and my ex had awful communication and it bugged me. Intellectually/Openly I wish me her were on the same level, but we weren't.

 

I also had trust issues. However that had more to do with me than anything else. I was scared of her leaving me, I'm very codependent, I didn't love myself or my life. It took this break up to make me realize that not only do we deserve better but we need to get our lives together (especially me).

 

And to your last point. If you're with a new girl and you're fixated on your last one then I find that to be a problem. Why wouldn't a new girl help you move forward? Unless she's a really crazy bitch it shouldn't be a complete struggle. The focus needs to shift to the person you're currently with.

 

But hey brother don't listen to me. I don't know if anything I'm writing makes any sense because my emotions are still fresh. This is just how I see things at the moment.

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seems to me that you need a new therapist , no matter how old you are you can always start over that's a fact .. I don't know how old you are , but I am 32 and coming out of a 3 year and I plan on moving in and having another relationship .. So for you to say it's the end is just bull ..

 

Ariess you found another lucky lady? Congrats!

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RogerWallace111
I appreciate your response Mr. Wallace. Your first paragraph in this reaponse is very much true. The human psyche is a funny thing, its a physical computer that is constantly spewing out data that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Even now I can't make TOTAL sense of what is it that I'm feeling.

 

There are many things that connected me to my ex. I'm not going to name all of them now, but there were plenty. Problem was our personalites conflicted, a lot. Every time I would try to be a great boyfriend we would end up fighting for some stupid reason. Something about US was always off. Something I noticed a lot was her best friend and had a boy friend and those 2 had a tubulous relationship (physical fights, constant break up , yelling etc.) However they had a very apparent connection, something me and my ex didn't have. Me and my ex had awful communication and it bugged me. Intellectually/Openly I wish me her were on the same level, but we weren't.

 

I also had trust issues. However that had more to do with me than anything else. I was scared of her leaving me, I'm very codependent, I didn't love myself or my life. It took this break up to make me realize that not only do we deserve better but we need to get our lives together (especially me).

 

And to your last point. If you're with a new girl and you're fixated on your last one then I find that to be a problem. Why wouldn't a new girl help you move forward? Unless she's a really crazy bitch it shouldn't be a complete struggle. The focus needs to shift to the person you're currently with.

 

But hey brother don't listen to me. I don't know if anything I'm writing makes any sense because my emotions are still fresh. This is just how I see things at the moment.

 

Being able to acknowledge your tendency toward codependency is a good. Many aren't so honest with themselves. I'm codependent in my own way as well. Often thought having a strong sense of self and faith in my own badassness meant this was not the case. Or my tendency to react to things with anger instead of whining. But no, there was serious codependency. If not I wouldn't have been so affected by her actions in the relationship, or have felt such intense withdrawal symptoms. I've wondered, can one become not codependent ? In any real way ? Getting your life together, achieving your goals, and having things that are important to you going on certainly makes you more self sufficient, and stronger in relationships, but I'm not sure any amount of life-success can fully keep one who's prone to it from "depending" on their partner emotionally, to some extent. There's a ubiquitous idea in eastern philosophy that the more attachment there is in a relationship, the less "real" the love is. Which always made sense to me in principle. But realistically ?? Will you or I ever find ourselves in a relationship with some one worth our time yet somehow stay detached/indifferent ? Seems farfetched. I suppose the only option is to be the optimal version of yourself to minimize codependency, and not let that codependency show itself in sh*tty ways. But I suspect it's not something one ever truly overcomes. It's a waste that a Romeo & Juliet kill themselves over each other, but that doesn't change the fact that they felt compelled to.

 

I also don't know if anything I'm writing makes sense :), ****'s pretty fresh for me too and I'm on little sleep.

 

It's definitely a problem to fixate on a past girl while with a new one, and no doubt you should be present, appreciative and giving your full attention to the girl you're with. "Anything worth doing is worth doing well". I guess I just mean that if you've yet to think of a partner as more than "that person I'm currently dating", they're not worth being so attached to. Which is fine. Cause there are potentially deeper, "soul" level connections to be had and the ups and downs of that will be much rougher.

 

But honestly I look forward to being in some relationships that aren't intense romances. Being able to think of my girlfriend simply as "the girl I'm currently with" sounds f*cking great. This type of love where you feel like you're bleeding for the person hurts too much.

 

Anyway. I think you're gonna be doing fine before long. Where are your thoughts at today ?

Edited by RogerWallace111
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Being able to acknowledge your tendency toward codependency is a good. Many aren't so honest with themselves. I'm codependent in my own way as well. Often thought having a strong sense of self and faith in my own badassness meant this was not the case. Or my tendency to react to things with anger instead of whining. But no, there was serious codependency. If not I wouldn't have been so affected by her actions in the relationship, or have felt such intense withdrawal symptoms. I've wondered, can one become not codependent ? In any real way ? Getting your life together, achieving your goals, and having things that are important to you going on certainly makes you more self sufficient, and stronger in relationships, but I'm not sure any amount of life-success can fully keep one who's prone to it from "depending" on their partner emotionally, to some extent. There's a ubiquitous idea in eastern philosophy that the more attachment there is in a relationship, the less "real" the love is. Which always made sense to me in principle. But realistically ?? Will you or I ever find ourselves in a relationship with some one worth our time yet somehow stay detached/indifferent ? Seems farfetched. I suppose the only option is to be the optimal version of yourself to minimize codependency, and not let that codependency show itself in sh*tty ways. But I suspect it's not something one ever truly overcomes. It's a waste that a Romeo & Juliet kill themselves over each other, but that doesn't change the fact that they felt compelled to.

 

I also don't know if anything I'm writing makes sense :), ****'s pretty fresh for me too and I'm on little sleep.

 

It's definitely a problem to fixate on a past girl while with a new one, and no doubt you should be present, appreciative and giving your full attention to the girl you're with. "Anything worth doing is worth doing well". I guess I just mean that if you've yet to think of a partner as more than "that person I'm currently dating", they're not worth being so attached to. Which is fine. Cause there are potentially deeper, "soul" level connections to be had and the ups and downs of that will be much rougher.

 

But honestly I look forward to being in some relationships that aren't intense romances. Being able to think of my girlfriend simply as "the girl I'm currently with" sounds f*cking great. This type of love where you feel like you're bleeding for the person hurts too much.

 

Anyway. I think you're gonna be doing fine before long. Where are your thoughts at today ?

 

My emotions are fresh when I wake up in the morning. So after I ate breakfast I had a good cry (it helps). Every time she pops up in my mind I try to think of the situation as objectively as possible. Whether it be her enjoying her life with another man, having sex with another man, or just plain forgetting about me. I try to separate my emotions from what I'm thinking and just observing it with an open mind. I tell myself things like, "Oh, there it is. Me thinking about her doing this, this, and that. My imagination is active at the moment, is it my imagination or is this really happening? Who knows, and who cares?" I've read plenty of books and articles saying that this is a good tool to use in order to recover from past trauma. I've tried it many times and I would say it's very effective (You should try it if you haven't).

 

My emotions will fluctuate from time to time, but we'll see what the future holds. Right now i'm focusing on becoming a better man. I've been meeting with some life/dating coaches downtown. People with powerful personalities who are willing to help me become a better me, and no, not the expensive kind, these guys are extremely cheap and most of their services are free, so I don't feel like i'm being swindled. Besides I've met people who have gotten help from these guys and most of them tell me how dramatically their life has changed since meeting them.

 

I take everything people tell me with a grain of salt. I know the kind of man I want to be, I know the qualities that I want to possess, and in order to obtain those qualities you have to put yourself around people who possess those qualities so you can emulate them within your own personality.

 

I remember I was watching this guy on YouTube and he told the best break-up analogy I've ever heard. He said, Imagine little pebbles, and lets just say you think all these pebbles are very attractive. Now let's just say one of these pebbles is your ex, what pebble are you going to choose? Obviously your ex because you KNOW this pebble. However, if you got to know every other pebble on a deeper level, 9/10 times you will fall in love with SOME of them. You see, every girl I've ever fallen in love with I didn't think much of them before KNOWING them, because they were JUST attractive, a pretty face with tits and ass. BUT when you get to know who they are, and they start sharing their secrets and opening up to you, now that's love. And it all depends on how much you're willing to open yourself up to that love on a daily basis. One has to leave the confines of their cynical post break-up ideologies in order to see how true that really is.

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My emotions are fresh when I wake up in the morning. So after I ate breakfast I had a good cry (it helps). Every time she pops up in my mind I try to think of the situation as objectively as possible. Whether it be her enjoying her life with another man, having sex with another man, or just plain forgetting about me. I try to separate my emotions from what I'm thinking and just observing it with an open mind. I tell myself things like, "Oh, there it is. Me thinking about her doing this, this, and that. My imagination is active at the moment, is it my imagination or is this really happening? Who knows, and who cares?" I've read plenty of books and articles saying that this is a good tool to use in order to recover from past trauma. I've tried it many times and I would say it's very effective (You should try it if you haven't).

 

My emotions will fluctuate from time to time, but we'll see what the future holds. Right now i'm focusing on becoming a better man. I've been meeting with some life/dating coaches downtown. People with powerful personalities who are willing to help me become a better me, and no, not the expensive kind, these guys are extremely cheap and most of their services are free, so I don't feel like i'm being swindled. Besides I've met people who have gotten help from these guys and most of them tell me how dramatically their life has changed since meeting them.

 

I take everything people tell me with a grain of salt. I know the kind of man I want to be, I know the qualities that I want to possess, and in order to obtain those qualities you have to put yourself around people who possess those qualities so you can emulate them within your own personality.

 

I remember I was watching this guy on YouTube and he told the best break-up analogy I've ever heard. He said, Imagine little pebbles, and lets just say you think all these pebbles are very attractive. Now let's just say one of these pebbles is your ex, what pebble are you going to choose? Obviously your ex because you KNOW this pebble. However, if you got to know every other pebble on a deeper level, 9/10 times you will fall in love with SOME of them. You see, every girl I've ever fallen in love with I didn't think much of them before KNOWING them, because they were JUST attractive, a pretty face with tits and ass. BUT when you get to know who they are, and they start sharing their secrets and opening up to you, now that's love. And it all depends on how much you're willing to open yourself up to that love on a daily basis. One has to leave the confines of their cynical post break-up ideologies in order to see how true that really is.

 

Good ol' Mehran. Good guy.

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Good ol' Mehran. Good guy.

 

Yes, his videos bring me comfort. Every time I watch them I feel like i'm going to be alright.

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Yes, his videos bring me comfort. Every time I watch them I feel like i'm going to be alright.

 

Yep. I actually wrote him a letter and befriended on him on Facebook. Hes a very friendly, happy, fellow.

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ballycastle
seems to me that you need a new therapist , no matter how old you are you can always start over that's a fact .. I don't know how old you are , but I am 32 and coming out of a 3 year and I plan on moving in and having another relationship .. So for you to say it's the end is just bull ..

 

 

I am in my late forties. For the past 20+ years all my relationships have ended with absolutely zero commitment from the men despite duping me into believing they did. I just can't do them. Need to accept that...I would have loved it if someone wanted me in their life for 3 years! That has not happened for over 15 years.

 

 

I have stopped therapy. It was solution focussed and after 6 months I feel no better. I have also been in therapy on and off for around 30 years, tend to know more than they do, so I think I'll stop going. It gets kinda lonely. I am a single parent with no one to really talk to, my family aren't near/supportive.

 

 

I am just burned. When I was 32 I was still hopeful. Now I am not. And those who persistently say you WILL love again I find so patronizing. I know you are trying to help but how do you know? That's like saying when you are in the throes of love: you WILL break up in six months.

 

 

We don't know any of this. We can't predict what will happen.

 

 

Suppose none of us ever meet anyone again.

 

 

what then?

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I am in my late forties. For the past 20+ years all my relationships have ended with absolutely zero commitment from the men despite duping me into believing they did. I just can't do them. Need to accept that...I would have loved it if someone wanted me in their life for 3 years! That has not happened for over 15 years.

 

 

I have stopped therapy. It was solution focussed and after 6 months I feel no better. I have also been in therapy on and off for around 30 years, tend to know more than they do, so I think I'll stop going. It gets kinda lonely. I am a single parent with no one to really talk to, my family aren't near/supportive.

 

 

I am just burned. When I was 32 I was still hopeful. Now I am not. And those who persistently say you WILL love again I find so patronizing. I know you are trying to help but how do you know? That's like saying when you are in the throes of love: you WILL break up in six months.

 

 

We don't know any of this. We can't predict what will happen.

 

 

Suppose none of us ever meet anyone again.

 

 

what then?

 

How old are you if I may ask?

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Being able to acknowledge your tendency toward codependency is a good. Many aren't so honest with themselves. I'm codependent in my own way as well. Often thought having a strong sense of self and faith in my own badassness meant this was not the case. Or my tendency to react to things with anger instead of whining. But no, there was serious codependency. If not I wouldn't have been so affected by her actions in the relationship, or have felt such intense withdrawal symptoms. I've wondered, can one become not codependent ? In any real way ? Getting your life together, achieving your goals, and having things that are important to you going on certainly makes you more self sufficient, and stronger in relationships, but I'm not sure any amount of life-success can fully keep one who's prone to it from "depending" on their partner emotionally, to some extent. There's a ubiquitous idea in eastern philosophy that the more attachment there is in a relationship, the less "real" the love is. Which always made sense to me in principle. But realistically ?? Will you or I ever find ourselves in a relationship with some one worth our time yet somehow stay detached/indifferent ? Seems farfetched. I suppose the only option is to be the optimal version of yourself to minimize codependency, and not let that codependency show itself in sh*tty ways. But I suspect it's not something one ever truly overcomes. It's a waste that a Romeo & Juliet kill themselves over each other, but that doesn't change the fact that they felt compelled to.

 

I also don't know if anything I'm writing makes sense :), ****'s pretty fresh for me too and I'm on little sleep.

 

It's definitely a problem to fixate on a past girl while with a new one, and no doubt you should be present, appreciative and giving your full attention to the girl you're with. "Anything worth doing is worth doing well". I guess I just mean that if you've yet to think of a partner as more than "that person I'm currently dating", they're not worth being so attached to. Which is fine. Cause there are potentially deeper, "soul" level connections to be had and the ups and downs of that will be much rougher.

 

But honestly I look forward to being in some relationships that aren't intense romances. Being able to think of my girlfriend simply as "the girl I'm currently with" sounds f*cking great. This type of love where you feel like you're bleeding for the person hurts too much.

 

Anyway. I think you're gonna be doing fine before long. Where are your thoughts at today ?

 

I've always hated the term "codependent" as it seems like a catchall term when things domt work or someone pushes you away. "Oh, you would like to develop a relationship with someone to not feel alone in this world and let them feel the same,l, feel like you're loved and valued and give that gift to someone else, worry about their well being and happiness and sometimes do so at the expense of your own, forgive them in tough times, and make commitment with it and have it returned? You must be codependent!"

Not saying you're doing this. I just don't think it fair to people to have this term pinned on them for wanting a strong adult attachment.

Ugh. Lol

Edited by fireflywy
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RogerWallace111
I've always hated the term "codependent" as it seems like a catchall term when things domt work or someone pushes you away. "Oh, you would like to develop a relationship with someone to not feel alone in this world and let them feel the same,l, feel like you're loved and valued and give that gift to someone else, worry about their well being and happiness and sometimes do so at the expense of your own, forgive them in tough times, and make commitment with it and have it returned? You must be codependent!"

Not saying you're doing this. I just don't think it fair to people to have this term pinned on them for wanting a strong adult attachment.

Ugh. Lol

 

Haaa ! Well said. Yeah I mean what's the alternative ? Apathy ? Some Beyonce "Irreplaceable" type of attitude ? I don't think a relationship with someone whose contribution to your life wouldn't be somewhat painful to lose is necessarily one worth having. Leave them as a f*ck buddy.

 

Now that I think of it, the few times I've heard "codependent" used in what seemed like an appropriate way, it's described a relationship where both partners had enough personal unhappiness/frustration with life that they came to place too much pressure on each other for distraction & fulfillment.

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Haaa ! Well said. Yeah I mean what's the alternative ? Apathy ? Some Beyonce "Irreplaceable" type of attitude ? I don't think a relationship with someone whose contribution to your life wouldn't be somewhat painful to lose is necessarily one worth having. Leave them as a f*ck buddy.

 

Now that I think of it, the few times I've heard "codependent" used in what seemed like an appropriate way, it's described a relationship where both partners had enough personal unhappiness/frustration with life that they came to place too much pressure on each other for distraction & fulfillment.

 

I've heard that too but isn't life ultimately about seeking pleasure or peace somehow? We travel as a distraction, we go to movies as a distraction, we hike, hunt, fish, etc, as a distraction because it brings us pleasure to be away from the mundane of certain other experiences. Vikto Frankl talks about meaning in "Mans Search for Meaning" and he said sometimes people find reason and fulfillment in a spouse or a family which keeps them going in the face of other tough trials.

 

I don't think that's bad, except for pressure part. That's not good. Lol

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