Final Words to STBEH

[DinnerForOne]

It’s such a shame that the marriage ended the way it did. And I suppose in a way, whilst going through the stages of grief I am trying to find closure. I was hoping that we could sit down and talk civilly about the events that lead up to the decision to divorce, but to date, 8 weeks later, you have not shown any interest in doing that and you have lied to me about your affair. So I have decided to close things off for myself. Life is too short to cling on to a hope that will never materialise or to a man that never existed. Life is too short to cling onto the past. It is time that I put things behind me and move on with my life.

 

In doing so, whether you read this or not, I have a few final words.

 

When we got married, and even before, there were extenuating circumstances in the form of a vicious ex-girlfriend (ex GF 1), a fragile little girl (Daughter 1) and a husband who to this day suffers from Guilty Dad Syndrome. I had no idea what I was in for. Yes I knew the ex GF 1 was pretty damn awful, but what I did not know is that I had an unsupportive husband. One who would put his EX GF 1’s desires, whims, threats, and craziness ahead of our marriage purely because you were so afraid that she would continue to play games, withhold access to your child and continue to alienate your child.

 

Truth is, whether you actually had my back or not, she would have still continued in her campaign to undermine you as a father and our marriage. But you took the easy way out and never stood up for me or for our marriage. Not with your child and not with ex GF 1.

 

I never ever dreamed that I would not have a loving relationship with Daughter 1. All I wanted was to be a good role model and support for her. But as the years went on, and the balance between your two priorities in life became overly weighted in your child’s favour at the expense of the marriage, I withdrew.

 

Withdrawing was not easy and I silently suffered feeling totally alienated, like an “outsider” in my home and in what was supposed to be my family. This gave birth to resentment. For the longest time, even though I deeply cared about your Daughter 1, I felt resentment towards her. Little did I know that I was aiming my resentment in the wrong direction. You were the one that should have been held accountable. You were the one that failed as a supportive, loving, respectful husband by your inability to balance your priorities in a healthy way.

 

My efforts to “protect” myself and my heart backfired. You eventually ended up going out several times a month with your mate, drinking to such an extent that you could hardly stand when you eventually returned home. I would be told that you wouldn’t be long, it’s just a quick drink and you would stumble in hours later, plastered. I remember having a conversation with you about it, a few years ago. I said that if I am unable to trust what you say in the “small things”, how could I be expected to trust you in the “big things”?

 

It never ever changed anything, in fact it escalated to a worrying degree and slowly but surely my trust in you started to erode. You showed complete and utter disrespect for me. You made drinking with your mate a priority at the expense of me and at the expense of the marriage. Even in a crisis you would choose to hang out at the pub instead of being with your wife, who needed you. And if I ever called you out on your irresponsible, dangerous behaviour, you would gaslight me and make comments like; I’ve got no right to place a curfew on you. Who am I to tell you what to do? I’m overreacting. You would blame me for your transgressions. You would blame me for getting upset over not being able to believe in your words.

 

Enter ex GF2 into the picture. That was about a year ago I believe. The moment she decided she wanted you back and waltzed back into your life, daughter in tow, things got worse than ever. I had a gut feeling something was up. I asked you on several occasions what was going on and instead of being upfront and honest with me you lied; for months.

 

In fact the only reason you agreed to marriage counselling (the session we had with Psych 1) was because you knew you were hiding a gigantic secret from me. Yet you sat there, making out that I have some emotional deficit. That “emotional deficit” is called a 6th sense. Even then you did not come clean with me about the fact that you and ex-GF2 were talking again and that her child of then 14 was actually your child.

 

Everything went downhill fast from there. You were never committed to marriage counselling with Psych 2; the fact that you sat there lying to him and to me is evidence of that. You had no intention of working on this marriage.

 

It is apparent that you and GF 2 have unresolved feelings for each other. Let’s face it, there is just under an 11 month age gap between your two daughters. GF 1 was an obvious rebound from your relationship with GF 2. You never resolved your feelings for GF 2, instead you jumped straight into bed with GF 1. And as for GF 2, well yes, she was already in bed with somebody when you parted ways, someone she married thinking the baby she was carrying was his when in fact it was yours.

 

GF 2's intention was to lure you back and you fell for it, hook, line and sinker; just as I predicted. You deserted me, moved out without discussion so you could spend more time with her, the home-wrecker. You cheated on me with the very woman who cheated on you. I have no intention of competing with a woman like that. There is no competition.

 

I had suspicions that you were cheating, especially when I found Libido tablets in your car, in your lunch box, in your toiletry bag and in the bedroom you were sleeping in alone whilst I was sleeping on the floor amongst dust and filth during the home renovations. You made up some pathetic excuse, but I never believed you. I knew something was up.

 

Then I discovered the *** Lodge receipt, charges for a single room two people sharing. The Lodge was on GF 2's doorstep. Coupled with the seamen stained underpants from that weekend tryst, my doubts were confirmed. I was in denial for a time, but if I put all the facts together, I know you have been unfaithful. I would be an idiot to deny it anymore.

 

Your life is completely dysfunctional STBEH. It will continue to be so because of your narcissistic and misogynistic traits. The people who ultimately have to pay the price for your mistakes are your girls, especially Daughter 1. My heart aches for her. You are very far from a good example as far as a husband or father goes. You parent out of guilt. You showed your daughters how they can expect to be treated by a husband. Their mothers have shown them how to be cheating, lying, irresponsible, home-wreckers.

 

And there you sit in your tower of “self-righteousness” living life un-authentically. The fact that you have never ever apologised to me for your wrongdoings is just another sign of your narcissism. You are incapable of accepting responsibility for your own failings and apologising for anything is impossible for you because then you would have to acknowledge that you are not perfect.

 

What a catch! Father of 2 girls (just under 11 months difference in age) with 2 different baby-mommas and a 3rd woman (me) who is your STBEW.

 

I deserve better than you gave STBEH. No amount of therapy can help you. You are a carbon copy of your father. So cliché – the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree; well you are living proof of that.

 

And that is that. I’m getting on with my life as a single woman of 46 with no baggage. Now that’s a great catch! There is someone out there that is worthy of my pure love and commitment. There is someone who is willing to love and respect me the way real men do. I thought you were that man, turns out, I married an illusion; that is the man I mourn today, not the man that you have turned out to be.

Edited June 29, 2015 by DinnerForOne
Added paragraphs

[Itspointless]

I am sorry you had to go through that and very sorry for his children. I do not know the man - so you must know better - but he does not sound narcissistic, he just sounds WEAK. The way those woman play(ed) him, that does not sound like a man who presents a grandiose self-image, a man who just uses. Woman 1 probably played him like that out of resentment, as he apparently couldn't be alone after woman 2. Again, I do not know him, so I could be way off with what I get from your text.

 

I hope you are in therapy, being lied to like this for such a long time isn't healthy.

Edited June 29, 2015 by Itspointless

[DinnerForOne]

Thanks for your response. I am in therapy thankfully as I really have had a difficult time coping.

 

My therapist went through the "text book" definition of a narcissist (sp?) with me and she agrees that he is not "pathalogical" but from what I have shared with her about him, there are certainly some worrying traits and behaviours that are present in narcissists that STBEH exhibits.

 

I agree that he is weak. It has taken me 10 years to open my eyes, stop idealising him and see who he actually is. I didn't want to face it, I hid my head in the sand, I was in denial, but eventually I had to face it.

 

I am in deep mourning for the man I idealised. I have deep disgust for the real man.

[TaraMaiden2]

Have you sent the above letter, or is it just for personal release?

[DinnerForOne]

Have you sent the above letter, or is it just for personal release?

 

I did send it. A slightly longer version though.

[TaraMaiden2]

was it done with the co-operation or agreement of your therapist?

Does she know you wrote/sent it?

If so, what was her input or response?

[DinnerForOne]

was it done with the co-operation or agreement of your therapist?

Does she know you wrote/sent it?

If so, what was her input or response?

 

No, she doesn't know.

[Itspointless]

Thanks for your response. I am in therapy thankfully as I really have had a difficult time coping.

 

My therapist went through the "text book" definition of a narcissist (sp?) with me and she agrees that he is not "pathalogical" but from what I have shared with her about him, there are certainly some worrying traits and behaviours that are present in narcissists that STBEH exhibits.

I am happy to hear that you are helped by a professional. I understand what you say, it makes the picture even more complicated.

I agree that he is weak. It has taken me 10 years to open my eyes, stop idealising him and see who he actually is. I didn't want to face it, I hid my head in the sand, I was in denial, but eventually I had to face it.

 

I am in deep mourning for the man I idealised. I have deep disgust for the real man.

Some people make such a mess of their and the lives of others. I am really sorry you have to go through this. It is good that you feel anger right now, it makes you powerful. Try to use that to turn around some things for you. 46 does leave some things out of the picture, but you still have the opportunity to continue with a more fulfilling life.

[TaraMaiden2]

No, she doesn't know.

 

I didn't think so.

Had you revealed your intention, I am pretty darned sure she would strongly have advised you to not send it.

And I would have done the same.

 

Absolutely no good can come of having sent such a letter to such a narcissistic person.

Because if he replies - and he well might - he will totally shift every ounce of blame right back onto you, and so skilled is he at projecting, that you might even see a point to his accusations - or even if you don't, they'll hit home and hurt.

 

He doesn't care two hoots - no, ok, three - how you feel, how this has affected you, or how you see him.

You're just wrong, on all counts, that's all. Is what he will think.

 

You honestly think that if he had a single ounce of honest remorse or conscience, he would have done any of the things he's done, without so much as a sidelong glance?

 

He did them because he wanted to, and that's all that mattered.

Justification, if needed, comes later, and the justification will always be that 'someone/thing made him do it'.

 

 

When did you send it to him?

[DinnerForOne]

I am happy to hear that you are helped by a professional. I understand what you say, it makes the picture even more complicated.

 

Some people make such a mess of their and the lives of others. I am really sorry you have to go through this. It is good that you feel anger right now, it makes you powerful. Try to use that to turn around some things for you. 46 does leave some things out of the picture, but you still have the opportunity to continue with a more fulfilling life.

 

I feel very concerned about his daughter. This whole mess is bound to complicate her life more. I wish I could be there for her, but she does have a mom.

 

Yes, 46! I feel a bit old at the moment, won't have kids, but I am back in the gym, have already lost 4Kgs and I am feeling a sense of "release" by writing my "closure" letter to STBEH. I feel that it has helped me move past the "anger" stage. Yes, I am still angry, but I can start to let it go and not let it consume me anymore. I've said what I wanted to say.

[Itspointless]

On the other hand she said what she wanted to say, there is healing power in writing those words and knowing he knows those words.

[DinnerForOne]

I didn't think so.

Had you revealed your intention, I am pretty darned sure she would strongly have advised you to not send it.

And I would have done the same.

 

Absolutely no good can come of having sent such a letter to such a narcissistic person.

Because if he replies - and he well might - he will totally shift every ounce of blame right back onto you, and so skilled is he at projecting, that you might even see a point to his accusations - or even if you don't, they'll hit home and hurt.

 

He doesn't care two hoots - no, ok, three - how you feel, how this has affected you, or how you see him.

You're just wrong, on all counts, that's all. Is what he will think.

 

You honestly think that if he had a single ounce of honest remorse or conscience, he would have done any of the things he's done, without so much as a sidelong glance?

 

He did them because he wanted to, and that's all that mattered.

Justification, if needed, comes later, and the justification will always be that 'someone/thing made him do it'.

 

 

When did you send it to him?

 

Just after I made the thread so about 45 minutes ago.

 

Tara, I get what you are saying, I really do. I really appreciate your concern.

 

For once I did something because I wanted to. I really do not care about his response if he chooses to respond. I think I am getting to grips with the kind of person he is. He is the master at gaslighting. He will never ever ever ever, take responsibility for his actions and you are right, he will try and justify and reationalise his atrocious behaviour. Quite honestly, if that's how he does respond (if he chooses to respond at all) it just affirms my commitment to getting out of the marriage and on with my life.

 

You are so right. He will not have a single ounce of remorse because he cannot find it within himself to be accountable. Honestly, that's his funeral.

[Itspointless]

I feel very concerned about his daughter. This whole mess is bound to complicate her life more. I wish I could be there for her, but she does have a mom.

 

Yes, 46! I feel a bit old at the moment, won't have kids, but I am back in the gym, have already lost 4Kgs and I am feeling a sense of "release" by writing my "closure" letter to STBEH. I feel that it has helped me move past the "anger" stage. Yes, I am still angry, but I can start to let it go and not let it consume me anymore. I've said what I wanted to say.

Yes, that must be hard, knowing that you cannot do a thing for her. It shows that you are a good person. Perhaps in a couple of years when she will be an adult you can contact her, although that also might bring back certain elements back in your life that you do not want.

 

Good for you! I see that I made an educated guess as to the effect of the letter by you. Ignore his answers, you have said what you wanted to say, that is what counts.

[TaraMaiden2]

On the other hand she said what she wanted to say, there is healing power in writing those words and knowing he knows those words.

 

Yes, but it's temporary.

Venting like this is great, if you then purge yourself of the burden of your thoughts.

 

Sending it to the intended recipient puts one in a state of suspense.

You expect a reaction, you wonder as to the effect.

 

If you hear nothing, you're kind of left in limbo, wondering what their thoughts are, how they took it, what they did with it....

If they reply (as I suggested he might, though of course, who can be sure?) then the response can be doubly devastating and simply open the wound wider....

[TaraMaiden2]

Just after I made the thread so about 45 minutes ago.

 

Tara, I get what you are saying, I really do. I really appreciate your concern.

 

For once I did something because I wanted to. I really do not care about his response if he chooses to respond. I think I am getting to grips with the kind of person he is. He is the master at gaslighting. He will never ever ever ever, take responsibility for his actions and you are right, he will try and justify and reationalise his atrocious behaviour. Quite honestly, if that's how he does respond (if he chooses to respond at all) it just affirms my commitment to getting out of the marriage and on with my life.

 

You are so right. He will not have a single ounce of remorse because he cannot find it within himself to be accountable. Honestly, that's his funeral.

 

Thank you.

In a nutshell, knowing how effectively he slowly destroyed your soul and self-worth, I merely worried as to the effect this would have on you.

That's why you're in therapy.

This may be utterly cleansing for you. I just fear the shockwaves.....

 

Be well, with much Metta....

[DinnerForOne]

Thank you.

In a nutshell, knowing how effectively he slowly destroyed your soul and self-worth, I merely worried as to the effect this would have on you.

That's why you're in therapy.

This may be utterly cleansing for you. I just fear the shockwaves.....

 

Be well, with much Metta....

 

Thank you Tara. I really value your advice. Maybe I am in denial about the shockwaves. I do still feel fragile but I've got to a point where I am not giving him permission to hurt me anymore. Nothing he says matters to me anymore. I'm so done. I have nothing left to say to him. I have nothing left for him. It's gone.

 

All that matters now is the divorce settlement which can be handled by our respective attorneys.

[Itspointless]

Yes, but it's temporary.

Venting like this is great, if you then purge yourself of the burden of your thoughts.

 

Sending it to the intended recipient puts one in a state of suspense.

You expect a reaction, you wonder as to the effect.

 

If you hear nothing, you're kind of left in limbo, wondering what their thoughts are, how they took it, what they did with it....

If they reply (as I suggested he might, though of course, who can be sure?) then the response can be doubly devastating and simply open the wound wider....

Yes that is possible. She sounds she fed up with it that I hope she can stick with that.

[DinnerForOne]

Yes that is possible. She sounds she fed up with it that I hope she can stick with that.

 

I am. I know it's only been 8 weeks, but I have a feeling that the mourning started in January (maybe even years ago) when I found out about his other daughter.

 

It was not just the news that he had another daughter that I found difficult to digest, it was the way he handled the situation. It was because he denied me a biological child. It was because of what happened with his first daughter and how he handled those circumstances. Learning he had another child just seemed to double the "trouble". Because along with another child, comes another woman to deal with.

 

I have never met his other daughter.

[DinnerForOne]

I know that I cannot look to him for the answers I'm looking for. I know that I have to find my own answers within myself. I know that this process is still fresh and new and that I will go through varying phases of mourning, sometimes all phases will happen at the same time.

 

I know this too: I will emerge out the other side of this divorce a stronger woman with renewed resolve. It may take time and I cannot rush things. The consequence of loving someone deeply and investing in them for many years is when that love is "lost" pain will invade your every thought, feeling, word, your whole being. But that too is temporary. It will pass in time, I have to give myself that time, be kind to myself and work on things I wish to improve in my life.

[Itspointless]

Try to stick with this this energy! I think you are right; that you started mourning already a long time ago.

Edited June 29, 2015 by Itspointless

[DinnerForOne]

Hi DFO,

 

OK, DFO, I've pretty much heard all this before, so I'm not quite sure what the point of sending me this is. Not every marriage works, ours is one of them, and yes it is always a shame when a marriage does not work out, I agree, but it is better to move on when this happens.

 

I wish only positive things for you and will have some good memories of our time together, Barcelona, Scuba Diving, Sailing, England together,

Working together on getting your business up and running online, you making a special dress for DD1, being able to chat to you about all sorts, and get some good advice from you when I needed it (quite often usually ) sharing a retirement dream, seeing at times that you were caring and very helpful to DD1 and I believe she does respect you, to name a few of the good memories I have. You have many good qualities and I will consider myself fortunate to have met and known you.

 

I think you've made it very clear that from your perspective, I'm the reason the marriage didn't work, and I fall short of your expectations, so I do hope that without me, you will be much happier and go forward in strength and confidence.

 

I have no regrets and ill feelings towards you, It is a pity our marriage ended up where it has, but that is what it is I guess.

 

All the best DFO, I wish you well.

 

Regards

 

STBEH

[TaraMaiden2]

What an A1 first-class turd.

Condescension dripping from every word.

 

Acknowledges criticisms but doesn't admit to them, or make any apology.

 

Focusing on all 'the good stuff' which doubtless you should be grateful for, completely ignoring the fact he orchestrated every bit of heart-ripping pain that went with it...

 

Curt, short, peremptory and frankly, dismissive.

 

As I said.

 

Turd.

[DinnerForOne]

What an A1 first-class turd.

Condescension dripping from every word.

 

Acknowledges criticisms but doesn't admit to them, or make any apology.

 

Focusing on all 'the good stuff' which doubtless you should be grateful for, completely ignoring the fact he orchestrated every bit of heart-ripping pain that went with it...

 

Curt, short, peremptory and frankly, dismissive.

 

As I said.

 

Turd.

 

Completely....... everything you said. As we agreed his is incapable of any true feeling or empathy. This just proves to me that I am sooooo much better off without him.

 

And yes.... that's a sigh of relief you hear.