Reached a new hurdle

[DJOkawari]

Hey guys and gals. You've really helped me so far but I'm struggling a lot now.

 

It's been a while since my break up. 60 days of NC have come and gone and I don't plan on breaking it. I've followed the wonderful advice here and it has helped. I can easily admit I'm better for the break up.

 

Unfortunately I still think about her all of the time, but I can handle that now. The problem is that I cannot move on or even socialize any more without immense pain. Whenever I go and meet new people or a new girl I immediately relate it to her. I imagine her meeting all of these new people. All of the girls who show interest in me...I imagine her showing that interest in other guys.

 

I can't really pinpoint the reason but I guess it's because her life doesn't involve me and everything we had...she has it with others now. Every social situation, every new experience is me living life without her and obviously the opposite is true too and I think both of those truths hurt me.

 

The sadness kills the mood for me in these social situations, and so I oscillate between going to events and avoiding them.

 

Going sucks but avoiding leaves me in pain as well. I end up weighed down by loneliness, boredom, low self-esteem, losing friends, the guilt of actively wasting my youth. And of course, she's still out there, having a ball I can still imagine that too.

 

I'm just dying slowly. The pain is constant and sharp, I'm almost always on the verge of tears (I've tried to cry, it just doesn't work). And so that's how I live...it feels like a nightmare.

 

I thought things were getting better but this seems a whole lot worse. I'm just a shell of myself. I've felt like this for a few weeks now I think, it doesn't really seem like it is going to pass. She's never coming back and either way what we had is wrecked.

 

My life is better off for it too: I've developed and I've achieved a lot that the pre-break up me couldn't have. On the other hand it was only possible because I just mindlessly complete tasks and pray for my next distraction. This is worse than when I began NC. I really think I could sum it up my saying it's the same feeling of pain as when I began NC without any of the hope or motivation that things will get better. Anyone been here? Any advice? Thanks for reading.

[na49]

I know how much it sucks to compare every girl to your ex, but it's pretty normal, especially if she was your first girlfriend. Even if she wasn't, she is your most recent girlfriend, so your brain will default to her (I think). Obviously continuing to go out and socialize is a better idea than staying home, because you're more likely to meet your next girlfriend out there than inside. It sucks not being able to share anything new in your life with your ex, but it's the harsh reality of being broken up.

 

My counselor compared thoughts of my ex to a stray cat. The more you feed it, the more they come back. Don't feed the thoughts (the cat) and the thoughts won't come around as much. Okay, maybe the example is silly, but it really helped me. You should try to get out of your head when you are out, and be in the moment. Don't be discouraged if you can't do it the first time, but catch yourself when you notice that you are drifting into that sadness. I find that when I'm just going with the flow in social situations, I enjoy myself much more than when I am not 100% there because I'm thinking about my ex.

 

I hope that helped. I feel the same way as you do, feeling like I'm destined to feel miserable over this forever. I have contemplated suicide because it just seems like my best option at times. You're not alone. There's no magic spell sadly we just need to push through this.

[OldRover]

Hey guys and gals. You've really helped me so far but I'm struggling a lot now.

 

It's been a while since my break up. 60 days of NC have come and gone and I don't plan on breaking it. I've followed the wonderful advice here and it has helped. I can easily admit I'm better for the break up.

 

Unfortunately I still think about her all of the time, but I can handle that now. The problem is that I cannot move on or even socialize any more without immense pain. Whenever I go and meet new people or a new girl I immediately relate it to her. I imagine her meeting all of these new people. All of the girls who show interest in me...I imagine her showing that interest in other guys.

 

I can't really pinpoint the reason but I guess it's because her life doesn't involve me and everything we had...she has it with others now. Every social situation, every new experience is me living life without her and obviously the opposite is true too and I think both of those truths hurt me.

 

The sadness kills the mood for me in these social situations, and so I oscillate between going to events and avoiding them.

 

Going sucks but avoiding leaves me in pain as well. I end up weighed down by loneliness, boredom, low self-esteem, losing friends, the guilt of actively wasting my youth. And of course, she's still out there, having a ball I can still imagine that too.

 

I'm just dying slowly. The pain is constant and sharp, I'm almost always on the verge of tears (I've tried to cry, it just doesn't work). And so that's how I live...it feels like a nightmare.

 

I thought things were getting better but this seems a whole lot worse. I'm just a shell of myself. I've felt like this for a few weeks now I think, it doesn't really seem like it is going to pass. She's never coming back and either way what we had is wrecked.

 

My life is better off for it too: I've developed and I've achieved a lot that the pre-break up me couldn't have. On the other hand it was only possible because I just mindlessly complete tasks and pray for my next distraction. This is worse than when I began NC. I really think I could sum it up my saying it's the same feeling of pain as when I began NC without any of the hope or motivation that things will get better. Anyone been here? Any advice? Thanks for reading.

 

Yes, I'm basically in a VERY similar situation.... been just about two months since we parted. I left her because of an insurmountable problem that was unlikely to be solved, however loved her dearly and really didn't want to leave. Other than the problem, we were very compatible, enjoyed each other, had lots of fun, etc, etc. and we were basically honest with each other and no cheating or doing things that the other did not approve of. We both knew it wouldn't work, however.

 

The first few weeks were awful.... horribly painful and I dearly missed her.

 

I made up my mind to totally eliminate her from my mind and activities as best I could, don't do or look at things that reminded me of her (which is almost impossible....). I've arranged to not see her at places where we might be at the same time. Fortunately, she feels the same and has worked well. We have been NC, except she simple texts me when she's going to a place where I could be and I simply avoid it. No emails, no phoning, no seeing each other, no other texts.

 

I have some great support friends, that give me encouragement when I get down, and I'm basically getting better a bit every day, with an occasional low spot. I also have a very supporting lady that I've been involved with before that has helped greatly. However, she knows the issue, but we don't discuss it and more.... she simply supports me when I'm down and brings me up. I am careful with details because we are headed toward rekindling things and expecting a LTR. She has also had some issues in the past that I can be supportive for her. Working well.

 

Another thing, I'm trying to stay more active. Get up and get going in the morning. Exercise is VERY important. Do a project or two is great. Hanging with good friends is excellent.

 

Keeping my head screwed on right is important and I've set a goal of trying to totally get this out of my mind in anther two months.

 

Perhaps you could pick up a few ideas from this.... hope the best for you.

[DJOkawari]

Hey guys, thanks for the responses!

 

I just want to clarify a few things. I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone now. I'm not looking for that. I just want some peace. I'd like to get over this and live my life. I'm not thinking "I'll never meet someone again", I'm confident in myself in that sense. I just want to stop feeling miserable.

 

So, yeah this was my most intense relationship so far and that's probably why I'm having so much trouble. We talked about "happily ever after" fairly often. My ex and I tried reconcile twice, which is how I got to see her kind of "move on" even though she was the one coming back each time. It was a hard time for me because she would come back crying, apologizing, promising, and things were good for a second and then she'd leave again.

 

She did this twice and each time she had moved on more. I could tell, but I just liked her too much. So, what I meant earlier by "Whenever I go and meet new people or a new girl I immediately relate it to her" I meant I relate my experiences with her's. I saw her move on and I saw how she acted as she did, so when I move on I can suddenly relate to her actions. So for example, if I meet a cute girl and we hit it off, I think of my ex having a similar experience to this new girl - meeting a new guy and hitting it off. The more intense my experience, the more intense my pain. I was with a girl recently and it was getting physical and suddenly I had to deal with the visions of my ex being this way with another guy. This new girl's facial expressions being my ex's with that other guy...etc. All the compliments my ex gave me, all the particular things she said and did when we were intimate, they all came back right then...she was saying them to other people now. It was extremely painful. This just repeats any time I do something social. I guess it doesn't change your advice, I just wanted to clarify.

 

 

I'm definitely going to try to stop being in my head so much. Hopefully, I can stop feeding that stray cat. That was a very astute observation, na49. Obviously this thread goes against that principle but I'm going to try this starting tomorrow...I have nothing else to attempt.

 

This ties in with what OldRover was saying, I have been doing my projects, I work out every day, I have had zero contact with her except checking her facebook once over the last 60+ days. In a weird way this is the most attractive/successful/healthy/put together I have ever been. Everything is progressing smoothly except for my mental state. I just don't know what else I can do. Maybe the fact is I'm just not having any fun. Everything is a coping mechanism, I haven't smiled or laughed honestly in a long time. Though to be fair, I haven't cried or screamed either. I don't I've been "excited" this entire time. I'm just morose.

 

Time is passing but this feeling isn't and I feel like I've done everything. In fact, I'm tired of doing all of these things. I'm tired of coping. I'm tired of treating myself. I'm tired of working on my projects, frankly I'm tired of succeeding, and I'm tired of socializing because I feel like crap.

 

I have this horrible set of events each day: I'm sleeping, I'm having a dream, I start to wake up, my eyes open slightly and to my horror reality begins to set in and I think "not this **** again". I'm literally happier incoherent in bed. I'm not thinking of harming myself but I can definitely agree, na49, it'd be a lot easier than doing this every day. I have too much pride and I'd hurt too many other people if I harmed myself though. Hopefully you have found your reasons too.

 

Sorry to vent like this, I just did everything with her. We enjoyed everything good in life together. I bought an apartment while we were together and we filled it with furnishings and memories together. I still live there I've thrown/boxed a lot of stuff up and I've rearranged the furniture but the conclusion remains the same: I cannot do a single thing without thinking of her. Now, a week shy of 7 months since the break up, 3 months since our last reconciliation failed, I'm at my wits end.

 

Now I will go workout at the same gym we used to go to. It's down the street where I live, I'd consider changing gyms otherwise.

 

PS: She's moved from this neighborhood or is about to so I have a 0% chance of running into her, so there is no danger in anything like that. She's blocked on social media and I've lost her phone # as well. It's entirely in my mind now.

[Friggia]

It's been two months of no contact for me as well, after he didn't respond to the last friendly message I sent. I know what it feels like to keep busy and keep going about as if your day is normal, but to still feel like your heart weighs as much as a bag of sand. And somewhat like you, ironically, the only thing that is going surprisingly right in my life at the moment is my work and financial situation (which oppositely used to be the main source of grief in my life). That gives me some kind of hope that things can be better in the future, even if I can't see it now...

 

Have you tried traveling or taking a vacation, or at least doing something entirely new that you would have never done? One thing that helps me a lot is imagining myself going somewhere entirely foreign and just wandering around for an extended period of time, because I know it's something my ex would be jealous of me for. He has this romantic notion of being a nomad, so me being one (and I actually am) feels like sticking it to him a little.

 

Hope this helps.

[Friggia]

Also, you wouldn't think it would help because it sounds so cliche, but telling myself that it is "their loss" takes a lot of the burden of regrets off. You have to do it combined with living for yourself and striving to make your own life as awesome as possible, though. They say that living well is the best revenge, and I think it's the truth and it serves dual purposes.

 

Hope this helps.

[DJOkawari]

It's been two months of no contact for me as well, after he didn't respond to the last friendly message I sent. I know what it feels like to keep busy and keep going about as if your day is normal, but to still feel like your heart weighs as much as a bag of sand. And somewhat like you, ironically, the only thing that is going surprisingly right in my life at the moment is my work and financial situation (which oppositely used to be the main source of grief in my life). That gives me some kind of hope that things can be better in the future, even if I can't see it now...

 

Yeah, it's exactly the same for me. I bet she remembers me as someone who was concerned with money...I'm free from that now. It's funny how that works. In the same way, a lot of the problems we had in the relationship that caused it to end have been resolved, from my end and her's. I guess my biggest frustration is that the break up when it happened was actually a good thing. The reconciliations failing was also a good thing, but now I really feel like I've reaped those benefits. I'm in a better position in life, I'm more mature, I want to remedy my mistakes with her and make something better...and well the first two things on that list describe her too. That's what makes me especially sad.

 

I just want to be happier day to day. Single, with her, I don't care. I just feel stuck.

 

 

Have you tried traveling or taking a vacation, or at least doing something entirely new that you would have never done? One thing that helps me a lot is imagining myself going somewhere entirely foreign and just wandering around for an extended period of time, because I know it's something my ex would be jealous of me for. He has this romantic notion of being a nomad, so me being one (and I actually am) feels like sticking it to him a little.

 

Yeah, I took a vacation right after the initial break up and I'll be going on a family trip in two weeks. She also was envious of how much I was able to travel and so she's taking her chance now (we'll both be in Europe at the same time actually). I promised her I'd show her around the countries I had been to before her, she promised me the same. Obviously that's not happening now, but there was only 1 country for her to show me...it's the one that my family has chosen to go to first, naturally. It's just a coincidence I guess but I'm going to think about her while I'm there.

 

It may just be my low self-esteem that makes me feel this way but I don't think I can "stick" anything to her. She just doesn't care. I could do anything and it wouldn't impact her. I honestly believe that. I also think that, that is a healthy way to think.

 

 

Also, you wouldn't think it would help because it sounds so cliche, but telling myself that it is "their loss" takes a lot of the burden of regrets off. You have to do it combined with living for yourself and striving to make your own life as awesome as possible, though. They say that living well is the best revenge, and I think it's the truth and it serves dual purposes.

 

Hope this helps.

 

I agree with everything you wrote. Could you explain this part better to me: How does it being "their loss" take the burden of regret off me? I would love to shed that burden.

 

It's just, all of the advice people give you the actual conclusion is: it's no one's loss. It's just a learning experience, it doesn't actually have meaning beyond that. You'll both find happiness in the future. I don't really see how I could see it as her loss. No matter how awesome my life is...it doesn't really impact her.

 

But, anyway if I imagine my life as someone else's I really think it is pretty awesome. I had a really eventful day yesterday. I wake up and my first thought is about her and suddenly I'm here again, distraught.

 

I guess it's like you're saying there's nothing to do but just keep on going. Life is good...objectively. My big question is really just, I remember a time when I was single and decently happy. I just want to get there again. A lot of people advise me to start dating again (and I have been,actually) but is this just how life works? Now that I've had this sort of intense, "You're perfect, I want to spend forever with you and share my life with you" type relationship, I'm forever stuck chasing that feeling? That would suck. I refuse to believe the world works that way. I'm not sad or envious that other people are in relationships any more. That stage is long gone. I'm envious of people who wake up and think "Hey! Today is going to be a good day!"

 

 

Also, Friggia, we're both in the same city, at the same point of NC, if you ever need someone to chat with in person (I'm on LS because I've exhausted my friends) about this stuff just shoot me a PM. I think it could be helpful for us to talk to someone face to face (in a public place obviously).

[Jatli]

I am 1 year 2 months post BU and it hasn't gotten any easier for me. I still hurt every single day. I have gone out on a couple of first dates but it never went any farther because I just couldn't. I don't have it in me to date. I still think of him all the time and I still miss "us" very much

[DJOkawari]

Earlier today, my Ex's mom sent me two messages over facebook. I did not click to read them yet. She's been nothing but wonderful to me, so I can only presume it is a nice message. She believed a lot in our relationship. She also bothered my Ex about reconciling for a while. I can't imagine the content being something I'd like to read but I doubt she'll be insulting me or anything like that.

 

I'm not even sure I want to find out what it says. On the other hand I'm so excited that it'll say something I want to read that my heart has been beating faster ever since. I couldn't block my Ex's mom because this person has been amazing towards me. She has gone well out of her way to help me and support me and even the break up hasn't changed the level of her feelings. She only stopped sending messages when I explained I was in a lot of pain over the break up and reading her messages hurt me. She still sent a couple but it has been a little while since then.

[DJOkawari]

I am 1 year 2 months post BU and it hasn't gotten any easier for me. I still hurt every single day. I have gone out on a couple of first dates but it never went any farther because I just couldn't. I don't have it in me to date. I still think of him all the time and I still miss "us" very much

 

That's very intense, do you believe it will get better? Is there something that you are doing or a plan you have regarding this? I'm lost just like you.

[na49]

Earlier today, my Ex's mom sent me two messages over facebook. I did not click to read them yet. She's been nothing but wonderful to me, so I can only presume it is a nice message. She believed a lot in our relationship. She also bothered my Ex about reconciling for a while. I can't imagine the content being something I'd like to read but I doubt she'll be insulting me or anything like that.

 

I'm not even sure I want to find out what it says. On the other hand I'm so excited that it'll say something I want to read that my heart has been beating faster ever since. I couldn't block my Ex's mom because this person has been amazing towards me. She has gone well out of her way to help me and support me and even the break up hasn't changed the level of her feelings. She only stopped sending messages when I explained I was in a lot of pain over the break up and reading her messages hurt me. She still sent a couple but it has been a little while since then.

 

Personally, I would just read the messages. You can either read them, and feel crappy for a few days, or have your mind race for weeks wondering what she said. You don't need to respond, and it doesn't really matter if she knows you saw the message or not. It's not disrespectful not to respond if you don't want to either. Your ex's mom can understand that you're broken up now. It isn't the same as it was when you were together.

[Jatli]

That's very intense, do you believe it will get better? Is there something that you are doing or a plan you have regarding this? I'm lost just like you.

 

I am trying very hard. I have taken up new hobbies. List almost 50 lbs ( my best friend tells me I look the best I have in years). I work 2 jobs 70 hours a week just to keep me busy but I am still so very sad. I portray a happy person on the outside but inside I am dying. My heart physically hurts every day and I don't know how to stop it. I know just by the way that I that I truly love this man. After all he has done I have forgiven him. I just couldn't hold onto any anger towards him. People say it gets better and people on here say to just move on. This is why I haven't posted on here for awhile because I can't move on and I just don't want people judging me and berating me for this.

 

It is very hard and I would love to say that I have no feelings toward him but we had a great relationship, we never argued in 4 years we laughed all the time and even his kids said they never saw him happier. I know we just fit together and it is so hard to be apart.

[dyna85]

Hell yeah, been there. Now I'm a bit over 5 months NC and feeling ever so slightly improved. I don't want him back anymore because my vision has cleared greatly. However, I still hurt and get upset and there are things I used to do that I avoid doing, because they trigger the pain.

 

I know what you mean about mindlessly completing tasks and praying for the next distraction though and I still find there to be just way too much time to think and can feel myself spiraling downwards a lot, but if I look back to the first weeks and first few months, I definitely see progress and am more hopeful about my future than I was.

 

Keep going. You've achieved things in this 2 month time frame. This is good. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and cry if you feel the need for that release. It's healthy and cleansing, so do it if you can. It will help relieve some of the pressure you're experiencing.

 

I know it's hard. I would say I was pretty much at death's door at month 2 and even though I do sometimes feel like I'm not making any headway, I notice the subtle improvements.

 

You will get there. Stay strong.

[Jatli]

It's been 1 year and 2 months.

[darkbloom]

Have you tried yoga or meditation?

I take hot yoga 4x a week and that is my peace. It's the one time I do not think about him and I allow myself to focus on my breathing. I needed something to focus my obsessive energy on instead of him. I still think about him when I go out and sometimes I wish he was still here.

[dumbass2]

Earlier today, my Ex's mom sent me two messages over facebook. I did not click to read them yet. She's been nothing but wonderful to me, so I can only presume it is a nice message. She believed a lot in our relationship. She also bothered my Ex about reconciling for a while. I can't imagine the content being something I'd like to read but I doubt she'll be insulting me or anything like that.

 

I'm not even sure I want to find out what it says. On the other hand I'm so excited that it'll say something I want to read that my heart has been beating faster ever since. I couldn't block my Ex's mom because this person has been amazing towards me. She has gone well out of her way to help me and support me and even the break up hasn't changed the level of her feelings. She only stopped sending messages when I explained I was in a lot of pain over the break up and reading her messages hurt me. She still sent a couple but it has been a little while since then.

 

Let us know what your ex's mom had to say.

[Twigyy]

I find the two month mark pretty interesting. One hour you feel empty, and the next you might feel angry, and maybe the next hour you will start crying. As someone who reached 5 months, I feel that it is the stage where you would try to accept that it is over. Every single day you should tell yourself that you're okay, and it is not a problem, comparing to stuff like cancer. Find things that make you happy, or anything that you would like to do. Believe that you will be happy again, and you will be happy again

[OldRover]

I find the two month mark pretty interesting. One hour you feel empty, and the next you might feel angry, and maybe the next hour you will start crying. As someone who reached 5 months, I feel that it is the stage where you would try to accept that it is over. Every single day you should tell yourself that you're okay, and it is not a problem, comparing to stuff like cancer. Find things that make you happy, or anything that you would like to do. Believe that you will be happy again, and you will be happy again

 

Geeze.... I'd HATE to have to wait 5 months to get over someone. My goal was three months, but it does take some effort. I'm at two months now, and there is a significant difference, however, I'm not ready to see her again, nor talk to her. And, like more, I will always remember her... all the good times, etc. But want the romantic feelings to totally end. I may care for her, and even love her, but only as a friend... not as a relationship. That may or may not ever happen, but there's no doubt in my mind that the "being in Love" with her will end.

[DJOkawari]

I am trying very hard. I have taken up new hobbies. List almost 50 lbs ( my best friend tells me I look the best I have in years). I work 2 jobs 70 hours a week just to keep me busy but I am still so very sad. I portray a happy person on the outside but inside I am dying. My heart physically hurts every day and I don't know how to stop it. I know just by the way that I that I truly love this man. After all he has done I have forgiven him. I just couldn't hold onto any anger towards him. People say it gets better and people on here say to just move on. This is why I haven't posted on here for awhile because I can't move on and I just don't want people judging me and berating me for this.

 

It is very hard and I would love to say that I have no feelings toward him but we had a great relationship, we never argued in 4 years we laughed all the time and even his kids said they never saw him happier. I know we just fit together and it is so hard to be apart.

 

I really feel for you. I can relate to a lot of those feelings. My idea is that with time they'll fade but obviously you've given it time. At that point I would turn to therapy. Have you considered that? I don't know what type of therapy...I don't really have any answers but that's where my mind would go. It would also give you someone to talk to about it as well.

[DJOkawari]

Have you tried yoga or meditation?

I take hot yoga 4x a week...

 

I meditate but not in a group setting. I've always wanted to try hot yoga so maybe I'll give that a shot.

 

Let us know what your ex's mom had to say.

 

Basically, she had messaged me a long time ago, a few months after the break up to explain that she was coming to D.C. for her daughter's graduation. It seemed like we would reconcile then so it made sense.

 

She was just following up on that, as that time just happened. In a quick summary:

 

- She's sorry for not meeting up with me as planned, it was because they were so busy, etc.

-She wishes me the best and will always think highly of me forever.

 

 

Normally, she shares a lot more of her life so this seemed like a "good-bye forever" type message. Which makes me sad...it kind of puts an end on this whole situation...but I suppose that's what was coming. I don't really know what the think highly part is about. One thought is that her and my ex talked about me and my ex emphatically explained the finality of this situation to her...so she's just saying good bye in her own way.

 

The other thought it gives me is that maybe my ex tried to contact me (I haven't been able to get into my school email for a bit and I was phoneless for about 3 weeks) and it appears to her that I ignored her. Oh well. I'll get access to the email soon. I don't know if it is worth the effort to find out if she had texted me during that period, considering she could've reached me over facebook message (I've only defriended her). In the end it seems like an actual end to any possibility of any contact with anyone related to the situation. So, I'm sad it seems more "final" than ever. Given, that it was final before, I don't really know what that means.

 

I responded with a polite "I understand, wish you the best" type message.

Edited June 3, 2015 by DJOkawari

[DinnerForOne]

I am 1 year 2 months post BU and it hasn't gotten any easier for me. I still hurt every single day. I have gone out on a couple of first dates but it never went any farther because I just couldn't. I don't have it in me to date. I still think of him all the time and I still miss "us" very much

 

This scares me so much! My break-up has only been 1 month and one week of NC - am I really still going to feel like this in two years time?

 

I've still got to get through the divorce which could take months.

 

I want it over, I want it over and I want the pain to stop, it's too sore. Please give me hope that it isn't going to take YEARS.

 

And OP...... mine hurt is still so fresh...... and I relate to a lot of what you are saying, I wish I had the words to lessen the pain.

[OldRover]

This scares me so much! My break-up has only been 1 month and one week of NC - am I really still going to feel like this in two years time?

 

I've still got to get through the divorce which could take months.

 

I want it over, I want it over and I want the pain to stop, it's too sore. Please give me hope that it isn't going to take YEARS.

 

And OP...... mine hurt is still so fresh...... and I relate to a lot of what you are saying, I wish I had the words to lessen the pain.

 

Dinner,

 

At one month, you have a start. Hope the divorce goes amicably, without fighting or heavy costs.

 

No, it will not take years, but will take "some" time. It really depends on your attitude and mind set, and how well the divorce goes.

 

My divorce process took about three months, however, the time and agony prior to was at least two years, during which I knew it was imminent and took a few unsuccessful stabs at trying to solve problems. That was the worst. The divorce was friendly, no fighting and we settled it ourselves, with a rather complicated bunch of stuff to split. Actually receiving the final divorce decree was a real difficult knife through the heart, but I survived easily, as most of the pain had long gone. We always remained friends, and communicated openly, without issues.

 

Today, after some huge changes, we are back together..... and feels like a honeymoon.....

 

Good luck.

[DJOkawari]

So it's been about two weeks since I posted this thread. I think I'll just continue posting some updates here.

 

Through the smallest of cracks, a thin beam of light has begun to shine. This dimly lit world is blindingly bright by comparison to the other recent realities. It appears that I'm reaping the benefits of staying on this meandering path. There were many detours I could've taken: drugs, travelling, girls, breaking nc...none of those are bad but in my state, I wouldve been reckless. Sometimes I doubted how slow and intermittent the healing was and sometimes I strayed but thanks to some luck and the belief that "I must explore my darkness to make progress"... I have made quantifiable progress.

 

As much as any of us believe we're here because of our Exs, the extended sorrow appears to come from within.

 

The light that began to shine for me was a smidgen of self appreciation combined with some self belief. I've always assumed my accomplishments would occur. I never took a moment to appreciate them or appreciate myself. It's a small ray of light. I don't love myself yet. I don't feel proud of myself yet. Maybe I will if I continue to walk this path.

 

My social interactions have been good recently. I don't think of my ex while I'm having them. I don't have a problem with groups or interacting any more. There are a lot of friendly people in the world. I don't feel guilty about "wasting" my youth any more.

 

Thinking about my ex still makes me sad but it doesnt take up my whole day now. I'm approaching 3 months NC and she hasn't reached out either. It's been clear for a long time but it just struck me...how completely indifferent she feels towards me. That thought really makes me feel low. She's travelling now. I haven't heard about her or been to her Facebook but I "know" her life is filled with her happiness and new people and experiences. Mine isn't. I will be travelling tomorrow too but I won't have as much fun. This figmentary comparison is juvenile but it still makes me very sad. I really wish I could spend time with her.

 

So as you can see my world is still awfully dark but maybe it is getting better. I'm still sad about her a lot. I know logically it would probably suck but I still want her back. When I don't think of her, I just have a general overarching sadness. My goal is to love myself and love my life. Everything else will fall into place if I can do those two things. I truly believe that. I just have no idea how. Up until a few days ago each day was a Sisyphussian nightmare but with this small bit of positivity that has entered maybe there is hope.

 

Edit: Maybe it is just the way I am right now but I haven't met a girl who I cared for enough to pursue. I also think if I had someone new it would just distract me from dealing with my issues and I would have to deal with them later. But that might just be me in denial of the idea that my previous relationship wasn't that special.

 

Thoughts?

Edited June 11, 2015 by DJOkawari

[NopeNah]

So it's been about two weeks since I posted this thread. I think I'll just continue posting some updates here.

 

Through the smallest of cracks, a thin beam of light has begun to shine. This dimly lit world is blindingly bright by comparison to the other recent realities. It appears that I'm reaping the benefits of staying on this meandering path. There were many detours I could've taken: drugs, travelling, girls, breaking nc...none of those are bad but in my state, I wouldve been reckless. Sometimes I doubted how slow and intermittent the healing was and sometimes I strayed but thanks to some luck and the belief that "I must explore my darkness to make progress"... I have made quantifiable progress.

 

As much as any of us believe we're here because of our Exs, the extended sorrow appears to come from within.

 

The light that began to shine for me was a smidgen of self appreciation combined with some self belief. I've always assumed my accomplishments would occur. I never took a moment to appreciate them or appreciate myself. It's a small ray of light. I don't love myself yet. I don't feel proud of myself yet. Maybe I will if I continue to walk this path.

 

My social interactions have been good recently. I don't think of my ex while I'm having them. I don't have a problem with groups or interacting any more. There are a lot of friendly people in the world. I don't feel guilty about "wasting" my youth any more.

 

Thinking about my ex still makes me sad but it doesnt take up my whole day now. I'm approaching 3 months NC and she hasn't reached out either. It's been clear for a long time but it just struck me...how completely indifferent she feels towards me. That thought really makes me feel low. She's travelling now. I haven't heard about her or been to her Facebook but I "know" her life is filled with her happiness and new people and experiences. Mine isn't. I will be travelling tomorrow too but I won't have as much fun. This figmentary comparison is juvenile but it still makes me very sad. I really wish I could spend time with her.

 

So as you can see my world is still awfully dark but maybe it is getting better. I'm still sad about her a lot. I know logically it would probably suck but I still want her back. When I don't think of her, I just have a general overarching sadness. My goal is to love myself and love my life. Everything else will fall into place if I can do those two things. I truly believe that. I just have no idea how. Up until a few days ago each day was a Sisyphussian nightmare but with this small bit of positivity that has entered maybe there is hope.

 

Edit: Maybe it is just the way I am right now but I haven't met a girl who I cared for enough to pursue. I also think if I had someone new it would just distract me from dealing with my issues and I would have to deal with them later. But that might just be me in denial of the idea that my previous relationship wasn't that special.

 

Thoughts?

 

Looks to me that you're going through the motions of a breakup quite well. Continue doing your thing..

 

Also...Bang her mom.

[OldRover]

So it's been about two weeks since I posted this thread. I think I'll just continue posting some updates here.

 

Through the smallest of cracks, a thin beam of light has begun to shine. This dimly lit world is blindingly bright by comparison to the other recent realities. It appears that I'm reaping the benefits of staying on this meandering path. There were many detours I could've taken: drugs, travelling, girls, breaking nc...none of those are bad but in my state, I wouldve been reckless. Sometimes I doubted how slow and intermittent the healing was and sometimes I strayed but thanks to some luck and the belief that "I must explore my darkness to make progress"... I have made quantifiable progress.

 

As much as any of us believe we're here because of our Exs, the extended sorrow appears to come from within.

 

The light that began to shine for me was a smidgen of self appreciation combined with some self belief. I've always assumed my accomplishments would occur. I never took a moment to appreciate them or appreciate myself. It's a small ray of light. I don't love myself yet. I don't feel proud of myself yet. Maybe I will if I continue to walk this path.

 

My social interactions have been good recently. I don't think of my ex while I'm having them. I don't have a problem with groups or interacting any more. There are a lot of friendly people in the world. I don't feel guilty about "wasting" my youth any more.

 

Thinking about my ex still makes me sad but it doesnt take up my whole day now. I'm approaching 3 months NC and she hasn't reached out either. It's been clear for a long time but it just struck me...how completely indifferent she feels towards me. That thought really makes me feel low. She's travelling now. I haven't heard about her or been to her Facebook but I "know" her life is filled with her happiness and new people and experiences. Mine isn't. I will be travelling tomorrow too but I won't have as much fun. This figmentary comparison is juvenile but it still makes me very sad. I really wish I could spend time with her.

 

So as you can see my world is still awfully dark but maybe it is getting better. I'm still sad about her a lot. I know logically it would probably suck but I still want her back. When I don't think of her, I just have a general overarching sadness. My goal is to love myself and love my life. Everything else will fall into place if I can do those two things. I truly believe that. I just have no idea how. Up until a few days ago each day was a Sisyphussian nightmare but with this small bit of positivity that has entered maybe there is hope.

 

Edit: Maybe it is just the way I am right now but I haven't met a girl who I cared for enough to pursue. I also think if I had someone new it would just distract me from dealing with my issues and I would have to deal with them later. But that might just be me in denial of the idea that my previous relationship wasn't that special.

 

Thoughts?

 

DJO,

 

You might consider dating a bit... get through the "I'm comparing my date to the ex". You don't have to get serious, but you might find someone that's fun that will take your mind off your ex.

 

There's a lot of thoughts about who to see or date after a breakup. Some suggest just living alone and get your head clear without any involvement. Some says date, and get to know new ladies. I lean 100% toward finding someone new... I was alone for awhile and I hated it, much more depressing. Even dating someone that isn't all that attractive I feel is better, you don't have to move fast to just enjoy some good times.

 

Also, I've found mingling with lots of friends helps a lot, too. Spend time with them... find activities with them.

 

I recently went on an all day fishing trip (thought it would be boring). Turned out great and totally cleared my mind. Then grilling fresh fish for my lady (new) was wonderful. Also, took her on a trip to a quaint town a few hours away, spent two days doing touristy things. Another great time. I had a few flashbacks of the ex GF because we did a lot of trips like that, but got through it.

 

Everyday gets a bit better, but still a few setbacks.... We just gotta get through them.... Time will heal.