Acceptance & depression

[brokengirl85]

(No contact 2 months. He's blocked everywhere)

 

I guess I get to the acceptance point. I now know that there's nothing else I can do, that my best option right now is to keep him blocked forever, that I'll never be friends with him in the future either, that he's not the person I believed he was.

I came to the realization that it was toxic, that he treated me like a toy, that he never loved or cared about me, and he just stringed me along.

That he lied to me not one but numerous times, that he manipulated me to made me believe everything I want to, that I was a yo-yo for his convenience, and that he used the fact I loved him to get more ego boosts and more sex.

 

I cannot possible be friends with him. Not now nor ever! there's no point on unblocking him, because he'll never love me. He'll use me until he gets bored.

 

I cannot possible be friends with him ever. I thought he was perfect, yet I was only one of his supplies, available for his convenience.

 

I cannot possible be friends...All my hopes are gone. I feel used, I feel depressed. there's no hope for him and I.

 

Realization of all this came with an enormous amount of sadness. I feel extremely sad and depressed. What will come next?

[Ruby65]

Congratulations and good for you for sticking to No Contact for two months! The worst of your healing is behind you.

 

As for what lies ahead.... there are the five stages most people go through when grieving a loss to get to a place of having recovered.

 

There's Bargaining and Denial -- which I think are the most insidious phases, because that's when you've still got hope, you're still trying to negotiate your way back in and still seeing your ex through rose-colored glasses.

 

There's Anger and Depression.... and finally Acceptance.

 

People can cycle back and forth through these stages and not everybody experiences all of them.

 

I'm guessing these next few months you'll continue to feel better for longer and longer periods until you're finally feeling good most of the time.

 

To hell with him and his "friendship" -- you don't need friends that cause you so much pain. Your can -- and will -- do SO MUCH BETTER.

 

Keep it up -- you're doing great!

[jen1447]

To hell with him and his "friendship" -- you don't need friends that cause you so much pain.

And you'll find that you actually start to feel that eventually, not just tell yourself that. When that happens you'll be turning the corner, and the whimsical sensations will be dead and buried, leaving only his true identity left in your mind. That's when you find peace.

[Tone Loc]

You carry that sadness, that sorrow, you carry the weight of all these negative emotions on your shoulders. Let the sadness consume you, let it guide you, let it run its natural course. It's good to acknowledge your emotions and to become aware of what you're experiencing. You've taken a huge step by realising the truth and accepting the reality. It's probably the toughest time in your life, but I guarantee you it's only a temporary phase. You will get better, that is a fact. But it will take time. Not just a few days, not even a few weeks...it could take a month or two, maybe more. But eventually, the feelings will become less intense and the sadness will subside. You never know what's around the corner, there's always a new opportunity...perhaps you'll discover a new hobby, perhaps you'll develop stronger bonds with your friends and family, perhaps you'll meet someone new sometime soon, someone to make you feel happy and loved. Perhaps you'll turn things around completely and become a much stronger person. You've shown a great deal of strength and character by sticking to two months of no contact and becoming aware of the reality of your situation, that's a huge thing. You've made a lot of progress, you're on the right track. Put your faith in time, let this phase run its course. In the meantime, the forum is a good place to vent and seek some support and advice. And I'm sure you've heard it a thousand times already, but make sure you don't neglect yourself. So you should be spending a lot of time on hobbies and activities that you enjoy. You should be spending time with family and friends and socialising, being around people. And whatever you're doing in this world, whether you're working or studying or anything else, make sure you don't lose focus on that aspect of your life.

 

It's very sad to accept the end of a relationship. I'm unable to accept my situation, I'm still not sure what to make of it. But you've already figured out what's going on, you know it's over and there's no going back. The only way to go is forward now. Sorry for the endless clichés but I do believe in this. Can you honestly imagine your self being back with this person? Be honest with yourself here, can you imagine letting him back into your life after all that has happened? I'm guessing the answer is a resounding no. Use this knowledge and understanding to your advantage, use this negative experience to drive you forward. Search for happiness, aim for success, seek out a better life, find yourself a better future partner at some stage in the near future...You'll get there. For the time being, you and you alone are the centre of the universe. I know it sounds selfish, but you must take care of yourself. Do you have hobbies? Perhaps you like sport, perhaps you're into music. Perhaps you like to party and go out with friends to have fun. Or perhaps you're the type of person who likes to relax in front of a movie or watch something on the telly, or maybe you like browsing the net... Whatever works for you, you should indulge yourself in that activity. Keep busy! Eat a good, clean diet and drink lots of water. Do some light exercise. And don't feel bad if you're having a hard time of a difficult day, it's okay to acknowledge that you're not at the highest level of happiness right now but this is okay. Remind yourself, this is temporary. It's a phase. You'll look back on this experience one day and be proud of yourself for moving on and sticking to no contact.

 

I've gone off on a tangent here with this post. But I sincerely hope things get better for you, I'm confident they will. You're not alone in this journey, many of us are going through the very same thing. We're hurt, we're not happy with where we are right now but we WILL get better! Things will get better. Every moment that you're distracted or occupied with something is a moment when you're not thinking about your ex! Remember that. I'm not saying drown your sorrows in alcohol/sleep/tv/music/food whatever, but it does help! Everything in moderation, don't overdo it...take it easy, go easy on yourself and give yourself some time and space if you need it. Go out for a walk, even for ten minutes. Go to a cafe, sit down somewhere...maybe go to a park and sit on a bench and admire the beauty that surrounds you, I find this helps.

 

Well...take care, and remember that this is temporary. Time will heal your wounds.

Edited May 27, 2015 by Tone Loc

[OldRover]

Tone Loc,

 

Very good post.... lots of good thoughts in there.

 

BrokenGirl,

I'm in exactly the same spot that you are... two months out, and occasionally have a hard time or so. However, my mind has excepted the end, as you have. Im focused to get over this and things are progressing well, and my goal is to have this totally behind me in another month or two. I also have great support.

 

Keep the head high, and we will get through this.

[erklat]

What you described is not acceptance. You just stopped being in denial.

 

You're on a good route. Press forward.

[Satu]

Acceptance is a bit further down the road.

 

A bit further off than the anger you will go through.

 

Let the healing process continue.

[Cora]

Good for you! You should be very proud of yourself! I don't know you, but I'm proud of you. You've shown great strength to get to this point. You'll no doubt make it. I hope to someday make it to where you are. Right now I'm still struggling. It's been tough...

[brokengirl85]

thank you all for your words.

I miss the way he made me feel. I realized I miss the excitement, and all the feelings and sensations associated with him.

 

I'm trying to understand that it is not him the one I miss, but myself when I was with him.

 

I'm having a hard time today, I had a rough day, a lonely and sad day. and here I am, missing him again. Despite the fact that I now understand how he used me for his convenience, despite that he hurt me with words and with his acts, he lied, cheated for his convenience, sent me texts only when he was bored and lonely and ignored me when he had other options (better options I'd say), I still miss him.

 

curious thing is the brain. Very curious. One realizes how toxic and useless is to continue remembering and longing for the ex yet still, my heart aches.

 

I'm glad he's blocked everywhere. I wish I could only forget about him, forever. Like he never existed. I wonder when I'll be OK again, I wonder when he will only be a blurred memory...