LastBluejay Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Hi all - first time poster here. The site has been so helpful for me with my recent break-up. I just don't get people - or maybe I'm different. My ex and I were together for 6 years, engaged, and about 2 months ago after a somewhat mutual separation she decided to end things for good. Now I'm finding out that she's already seeing someone else/physical intimate with some tool (first guy to hit on her) from the gym she goes to. I just don't get it - is this her poor coping mechanism? I can't imagine the thought of being with someone else until I've worked through the break-up, and I can't imagine that she has worked through it either. Just 3-4 weeks ago she was telling me how much she was struggling with things, asking for my help, wanting to talk. Now it's like a switch flipped and she's "so happy" - doesn't have anything to say to me anymore, etc. Sometimes I feel so out of place when stuff like this happens. I'm not the only weirdo that thinks it's important to work through things, get to a good place and THEN start seeing other people right? I just don't get how people "move on" so quickly (if they really truly move on vs. just need a crutch). Link to post Share on other sites
ColdandLonelyinAK Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 I was shocked when my ex "moved on" a week after our breakup, then the first time we saw each other in person post-BU, he completely fell apart. You don't know what she's thinking. She could be crying herself to sleep at night for all you know. A new person will only put off any hurting she's having for awhile, but if she's not feeling any pain right now then she definitely will after the "newness" of this new relationship wears off and she's left having to feel everything she put off. Also, remember that things aren't always what they seem. She could seem serious with this guy when that might not be the case. Trust me. Link to post Share on other sites
Leximom15 Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 She hasn't "moved on". He is a rebound and yes it is rather quick but that is how some people do it. They don't give themselves time to heal before they wreck someone else's life or hurt themselves more. It could be too that she checked out of the relationship long before you did and she is mons ahead of you in the healing process. That's what happened to me when my husband left. He moved on quickly too. He left me mentally long before physically. Ive not caught up with his healing point yet and it's been 4 months. You aren't the weirdo for taking time to heal! It's the best move for you and your future relationship and the finding the real "right one". Maybe you're still hurting and missing her or maybe you're hoping she's gonna comeback. We all go through this but no matter what you're feeling about her, you take all the time you need to heal and grow from this. The next girl will thank you for it! Breaking up is hard damn hard especially when one moves on so quickly and you think something's wrong with you for not moving on so fast or because she did. She will face the pain too one day. She will have to go through all you are too. She's just trying to mask the whole thing right now. She may even be happy right now and appear to be living it up but don't be fooled by that. It might not be next week or next month but she will have to take time to heal one day. I absolutely don't think someone can switch off so fast and it be healthy for them or their new partner! Somebody's gonna get hurt! So take your time. Not too much but you'll know when you're ready! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LastBluejay Posted May 27, 2015 Author Share Posted May 27, 2015 ColdandLonelyinAK and Leximom, thanks so much for your thoughts. I can't tell you how much they help. It's not my first serious relationship that has ended and not the first time that an ex has jumped to another guy so quickly, but I guess I would have expected differently from her - especially at our age (early 30s) and with all the stuff she was saying about how she wants to be alone for a while and work on herself, etc. But I'm sure she's not the first girl to be so committed to bettering herself only to crack under the first hint of any pressure. To some extent, I feel her pain - it's hard and we all have our battles - I have tried to remain kind. But when someone is so inextricably interwoven into your life, it's hard not to think, "seriously - this is how you want to act now?" I want her to be happy, if it's with this guy then so be it - but I really doubt it. She went from a mess to "I'm fine now" in a matter of a week or two - I knew something was up before I found out definitively. I hope she can find true happiness - wherever that may be, but God, sometimes you just want karma to come by swiftly and with a vengeance :-) It's difficult to have to come to terms with the seeming emotional immaturity of this person I loved more than anything else and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Link to post Share on other sites
FortunateSon Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 I thought I was reading about my ex for a minute! After our 6 year relationship/engagement ended, for the first couple months of limited contact she told me how heartbroken she was, had nothing to look forward to, and didn't plan on dating for a LONG time. Around 4 months post break up, she makes a point of telling me she is now in a serious relationship, but is struggling to like the new person because of our history. I block all contact after hearing this. Close to a year post break up, she some how finds out about girl I was briefly dating, stalks her, and sends her a bunch of unsolicited messages about what a "heartbreaker" I am and that I am a bad guy(I am not). I am tempted to address this with her, but I remain NC. Earlier this year an acquaintance told me she is now engaged to the same guy. She has now been engaged twice within two years. The moral of the story is that it could be a rebound or it could be her future husband, people deal with things in different ways, you never really know what someone else is thinking. She tried emailing me a couple times and even sent me some momentos in the mail, I am guessing right after she was engaged. I ignored these attempts. The best thing that I did was block her in everything and stayed out of any contact with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Zetec Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Wow, my story is so similar (except I was only with my ex for 2.5 years as opposed to 6). About a month before she split up with me she started acting cold towards me, spending all her time on her phone and seeing 'friends'. When I questioned her about a guy she was texting - she said he was just a friend, and didn't actually find him that attractive. A few weeks later she breaks up with me, and got into a relationship with this guy a few days after I left. wow, 2.5 years for that. I completely understand how you must be feeling - it is hard, and readers of this forum know that I am struggling to come to terms with her moving on so quickly. By the sounds of things he is a rebound. She may appear 'happy' because she is in the honeymoon stage but it wont be long before that fades, and I'm sure then she will realise what she has lost in you. By then though, you'll be in a better place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LastBluejay Posted May 27, 2015 Author Share Posted May 27, 2015 Thanks Zetec and FortunateSon - reading your stories definitely helps, although I'm sorry that you have both gone through something similar. It definitely sucks big time. FortunateSon - geez your ex sounds all over the place (kinda like mine). I feel those people can be so tough to deal with and can become really manipulative because they're SO emotionally labile. Sounds like going full NC helped - that's what I'm trying to do now. One thing I wonder and get scared about is whether I'll be able to trust someone fully again. She didn't cheat on me but I think her poor communication, especially towards the end of our relationship really hurts. It seems that she just held so many things inside and let them build resentment instead of talking about them with me. I'm worried that with any new relationship, I'll always wonder now if that is going on behind the scenes. I.e., I wonder if I'll always be very suspicious that they're not communicating things to me. I definitely don't want to be suspicious and I don't want to bombard them with questions every day trying to pry "communication" out from them to appease myself. Have any of you found this to be an issue with future relationships and do you mind if I ask how you've dealt with it? Link to post Share on other sites
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