Struggling could use encouragement

[SLee]

I know emotional set backs are inevitable.

 

I'm really struggling tonight in coping with the fact that he doesn't love me anymore.

 

He was the nicest, kindest, loving, most intelligent, understanding person I ever met and he left me.

 

After everything we had and had been through, he still left. I know it's not my fault, but I'm reeling right now with what I did to deserve this. Am I crazy? Am I doing something wrong?

 

I can't stop crying. I know I'm in love with who he was, not what he is now. I know he's treated me like complete crap and that he's not a nice person right now. But I want him back so bad.

 

I'm doing everything I can to give up hope. I'm trying so hard. Right now I'm struggling to get over what he did to me and with the fear that he'll never come back.

 

I feel so pathetic and stupid. I just want another chance. I know it's impossible right now, and I don't want that. But I can't stop thinking about the future. It's horrible. I just want to go back in time to when things were amazing. I just want to escape and have him again.

 

I'm sorry for how pathetic and lame this all sounds. I could just use some strength and encouragement if anyone has any.

[thekarmacist]

you are not pathetic or lame. breakup pain is the worst; worse than a death, i think. there's no negotiating with death.

 

he should want another chance with you, not the other way around. he treated you poorly and hurt you. he ought to be begging your forgiveness.

 

how do you know he doesn't love you? whenever we try to get in to somebody else's head, we will ALWAYS be wrong.

 

take a deep breath, and post. i'm here for you.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

He was the nicest, kindest, loving, most intelligent, understanding person I ever met and he left me.

 

He's not any of those things. He was the first person with enough of those qualities for you to notice, I highly doubt he was at the top of every quality though. Especially with how he has been treating you.

 

You voice just about every concern I had though, at multiple points in my healing. I think looking past all the pain and into what you have become is the best advice I could give. What if coping was easy? You wouldn't analyze your entire life, question your existing morals/character, make positive changes motivated by your emotional pain... even making a few mistakes to learn from along the way.

 

Alright, I'm walking my punching bag over there right now. See you in about 6 months.

[Simon Phoenix]

He was the nicest, kindest, loving, most intelligent, understanding person I ever met and he left me.

 

Dude, this guy has been emotionally abusive and has physically blocked you from leaving your apartment. If that's the "nicest, kindest, loving, most intelligent, understanding person" you've ever met, either you know some really awful people or you are really, really being delusional right now.

 

Honestly, everything you've typed about him, even to defend his honor, makes him sound like a prick. I get that breakups are hard, but you are literally typing out things that aren't true in this thread, at least by the normal definitions of each of the words that I quoted.

 

Wake up. This probably isn't the "positive reinforcement" you were looking for, and for that I apologize, but god damn, look at what you typed.

Edited May 21, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[SLee]

you are not pathetic or lame. breakup pain is the worst; worse than a death, i think. there's no negotiating with death.

 

he should want another chance with you, not the other way around. he treated you poorly and hurt you. he ought to be begging your forgiveness.

 

how do you know he doesn't love you? whenever we try to get in to somebody else's head, we will ALWAYS be wrong.

 

take a deep breath, and post. i'm here for you.

Thanks for your reply!

 

Thank goodness I'm past the begging/pleading/negotiating crap. I know now that if we were ever to reconcile, it would have to be way down the road and things would have to be way different. Just dealing with the pain now is what's awful.

 

He straight up told me he doesn't love me, which really sucks. Like in a matter of a couple months he managed to just throw everything away. I know most of the advice goes against over analyzing things, but for me stepping back and looking at things as objectively as possible did help me see things more clearly. But getting inside his head is the worst idea since my own head is such a mess!

 

Again thank you.

[SLee]

You're probably right, HeartOfAPhoenix. I guess I was just thrown back to the early stages of the relationship and I did think very highly of him and admired him as a person. Like in the beginning he was Mr. Loyal-Dedicated-Ultimate-Boyfriend-Dude and then everything just deteriorated last summer. That's why how he's treated me post break up makes no sense to me and I guess I just go into shock over it at times.

 

That's a really good way of looking at it that I haven't considered before. I'm definitely taking that with me.

 

And I'll see you when you get here!!

[Tone Loc]

Sorry for what you're going through.

 

Let me tell you that you are better off without him in your life, that is a fact. Once your head clears up (this may take weeks or months) you'll come to the realisation that this break up was a good thing. You're probably wondering why that's the case. Well, he did you a favour by breaking up with you because he's not right for you. He's not willing to accept you, sadly he does not want you anymore. But this is a good thing, because after this initial period of emotional turmoil you will eventually start to feel better, that's guaranteed. It won't be quick, it won't be easy at all but you will get through this. You will pick yourself up. You will find a better man, someone who's willing to accept you and all of your flaws, needs and qualities.

 

You must never let a person ruin the rest of your life for you. You have a long way to go yet, life goes on and you must move forward now. That's the only way, there's only one direction in which to move. Forward and never backward.

 

It's hard to accept losing someone who meant so much to you, I can completely relate to what you're going through. But we must accept it. Acceptance paves the way for moving on. Without acceptance, you'll be stuck with thoughts of idealising this 'perfect' partner and that's nothing but trouble.

 

It's over. He is moving on and you must do the same. Take some time to explore your thoughts and feelings, let it all out on here, let it out to the people who are close to you, the people in your life who matter to you. It's okay to be feeling sad and heartbroken but it is a phase. You have to weather the storm and you will come out the other side a better person, a brighter person, as long as you take the right steps. I won't tell you to try to erase the memories or to try to force yourself to stop thinking about him. That accomplishes nothing. The main thing you have to do is to accept that it's over, and understand that your happiness is not determined by a former lover. You create your own happiness. You have to work towards that, become a better individual for your own sake and you will become happier.

 

This probably isn't helping, but be assured that it's okay to experience these emotions. It's temporary, always keep reminding yourself of that. There are brighter days ahead, in the not-too-distant future. Take care of yourself. Good food, good music and good company are just a few things that may help, I'd highly recommend those.

[TunaCat]

This guy treated you like dirt. Why oh WHY would you want this guy back?

 

He did you a favor by leaving you. He's emotionally abusive and he blocked you from leaving the apartment!

 

Grow a backbone and tell yourself that you deserve better.

 

I'm not going to apologize for being harsh because I'm hoping you'll open your eyes and realize you deserve better.

[SLee]

Simon, I always appreciate your replies and honestly giving it to me straight is something that I probably really need, so thank you for replying!

 

I purposely used the past tense to describe what he used to be like and right now I'm struggling most with what I did to make him deteriorate or to deserve how he's acted towards me. I'm just upset and confused.

 

This is not to defend him or his actions at all, but he was practically the definition of perfect boyfriend unless he got angry or frustrated or something, then all hell would break loose. Which is probably why I feel so dumb and conflicted. But I'm seeing now that it was a cycle. Be the perfect guy, than something would set him off, I'd get upset, he'd apologize and be a model citizen until the next time.

 

Like I said, I know it's really stupid of me and I feel really stupid for still wanting to be with even with all the crap he pulled, especially recently. I'm just hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Again, thank you. I really do value your input as it helps me see clearly.

[SLee]

Tone Loc, thank you for your reply and yes, it is helpful!

 

Accepting it's over is the hardest pill to swallow, and I'm moving that direction, but every time I do I tend to fall two steps back, which is really frustrating.

 

I'm at a weird middle ground where I'll be doing fine for a while and getting excited about things already set in place in the near future here, and then I'll fall back. It's never as bad as day one, but it stills sucks and is a different kind of "bad", if that makes sense.

 

What you said about it all being temporary is relieving. Knowing that this won't be forever and I won't be hung up on this in 10 years or something. That's an enormous help.

[SLee]

TunaCat, it may sound weird, but I completely agree with you.

 

I know he's treated me like complete garbage, especially with the break up, but I'm so angry at myself for still wanting to be with him. Me from 4 years ago would slap me in the face for thinking like I am now. So I'm sad and miserable, but also angry and frustrated for myself for feeling this way.

 

I'm trying to understand why I can't tell myself I deserve better and actually believe it. I'm working on trying to solve that puzzle. In a way too I feel like I was his "test run girlfriend" or something and he realizes all his mistakes and abusive behaviors and he's gonna have a wonderful relationship eventually and do everything right while I'm left with all the hurt. And even thoughts like THAT are completely ridiculous and just plain stupid for me to think about.

 

As I said before, I'm sad and simultaneously frustrated with myself for thinking like this. I just want the conflicting thoughts and emotional roller coaster to stop.

[Simon Phoenix]

Simon, I always appreciate your replies and honestly giving it to me straight is something that I probably really need, so thank you for replying!

 

I purposely used the past tense to describe what he used to be like and right now I'm struggling most with what I did to make him deteriorate or to deserve how he's acted towards me. I'm just upset and confused.

 

You didn't do anything. People just evolve into different things over time. I mean, I used to be 55 pounds heavier, but I'm not now and I don't have any intention on being that again. It had nothing to do with anyone else, it's just something I decided. Him during into a jackass has nothing to do with you. In fact, he was probably always a jackass but you had blinders on it until even Ray Charles could see what was going on.

 

This is not to defend him or his actions at all, but he was practically the definition of perfect boyfriend unless he got angry or frustrated or something, then all hell would break loose. Which is probably why I feel so dumb and conflicted. But I'm seeing now that it was a cycle. Be the perfect guy, than something would set him off, I'd get upset, he'd apologize and be a model citizen until the next time.

 

If he's acting like a loony bird when he's angry and frustrated, he's not the perfect boyfriend. And you are definitely defending him being a jackass.

 

Like I said, I know it's really stupid of me and I feel really stupid for still wanting to be with even with all the crap he pulled, especially recently. I'm just hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Again, thank you. I really do value your input as it helps me see clearly.

 

You need to get your self-respect back. He skillfully took it from you, which is why you are clamoring to lick dirt off his shoes. You have to somehow get yourself back. I doubt you've always been this defeated, and if you have, this is the perfect time to flip the script in your life!

[Shetland]

I understand Slee. What is confusing is that people aren't black and white. Your bf wasn't a "bad" person and in fact, for most of the relationship he was probably great to you. As much as he has treated you poorly, he has been a wonderful bf, so it is extremely confusing because the recent experiences don't neccessarily replace old memories, but instead, they stand side by side. So people like you and I are left to rummage through a mess of memories that leaves us dazed and confused. When people say "he did x,y,z TO you! why do you still like him?!" It is also because we are dealing with the memories of when they did "a,b,c,d,e,f,g" FOR us. I don't believe you lack self-respect, but rather, you lack a basis to rationalize what happened. And it's frustrating because love is irrational and human beings are irrational, and that's why it feels like your taking punches from out of nowhere and you don't even know which direction to swing back at.

 

What is mind boggling is how a "good" person could do something characteristic of a "bad" person and inflict so much pain

And since we care so much for our ex, the only logical explanation is that WE are the "bad" ones. And so we ask ourselves this question repeateadly:

 

"What is so wrong with me?" or "What did I do so wrong that motivated a great person to do something so terrible to me?"

 

I'm not trying to provide answers, I'm just wondering if what I wrote resonates with what you're going through.

 

I am struggling through a similiar process. My ex was absolutely wonderful to not only me but also to her family and her friends. She was always very considerate of other people's feelings. So it's so shocking and painful to see someone you love hurt you so deeply. It's unimaginable and I have spent months trying to make sense of it and I always end up blaming myself.

 

In conclusion, this is a sucky feeling.

[Simon Phoenix]

I understand Slee. What is confusing is that people aren't black and white. Your bf wasn't a "bad" person and in fact, for most of the relationship he was probably great to you. As much as he has treated you poorly, he has been a wonderful bf, so it is extremely confusing because the recent experiences don't neccessarily replace old memories, but instead, they stand side by side. So people like you and I are left to rummage through a mess of memories that leaves us dazed and confused. When people say "he did x,y,z TO you! why do you still like him?!" It is also because we are dealing with the memories of when they did "a,b,c,d,e,f,g" FOR us. I don't believe you lack self-respect, but rather, you lack a basis to rationalize what happened. And it's frustrating because love is irrational and human beings are irrational, and that's why it feels like your taking punches from out of nowhere and you don't even know which direction to swing back at.

 

What is mind boggling is how a "good" person could do something characteristic of a "bad" person and inflict so much pain

And since we care so much for our ex, the only logical explanation is that WE are the "bad" ones. And so we ask ourselves this question repeateadly:

 

"What is so wrong with me?" or "What did I do so wrong that motivated a great person to do something so terrible to me?"

 

I'm not trying to provide answers, I'm just wondering if what I wrote resonates with what you're going through.

 

I am struggling through a similiar process. My ex was absolutely wonderful to not only me but also to her family and her friends. She was always very considerate of other people's feelings. So it's so shocking and painful to see someone you love hurt you so deeply. It's unimaginable and I have spent months trying to make sense of it and I always end up blaming myself.

 

In conclusion, this is a sucky feeling.

 

Unless your ex became abusive, it's not really a comparable comparison. Once it goes to abuse, be it psychological or borderline physical like SLee went through, then it becomes "black and white". There's no way you want to spin that otherwise.

[na49]

I'm in love with who he was, not what he is now. I know he's treated me like complete crap and that he's not a nice person right now. But I want him back so bad.

 

Believe it or not, he was the same person when he was with you as he is now. He may have been on his best behavior sometimes, but don't tell yourself that he changed. He didn't change into someone different. His feelings for you are the only thing that changed.

 

Also stop beating yourself up for still wanting to be with him. You might find that you don't miss him as much as you just miss having a boyfriend. If he treated you poorly, you definitely shouldn't miss the abuse.