I needed my best friend

[ephemeralme]

I hope you are all coping as best possible TODAY.

~~~~~~~~

....it has been about 2 months since he BU with me - we were engaged.

it was 5 weeks NC

I sent him a letter ( there were no expectations from it) it was for my benefit only.

Heard from him twice .. we spoke briefly and we talked about "talking".

he agreed to digest what we spoke about and get back to me about meeting but he wasn't ready to talk now.

 

I could hear some anger in his voice initially...

but, basically and the greatest irony of life is because he walked away... I went to therapy and there have revisited a painful truth of my life...

childhood sexual abuse ( the details not needed) but suffice it to say.. my sis, he and the therapist are the only ones who know. I NEVER spoke in detail about it with him.

Uncovering this hurt has been not only the grief of loss of the R, but the grief of my childhood... and the loss of my father last year as well.

 

Really, feels like more struggle than I can bear.. but am bearing as best I can.

I am now understanding WHY, just WHY, I have been, behaved and reacted all these years... I am seeing how the abuse actually effected my entire life..... I literally, stopped for a while this week and just cried... mourning the little girl me... and what my potential could have been in life.

I know I am not a victim, I know I have actually been strong and accomplished so much in my 53 years but, I have always had trust issues,

self esteem issues and minor control/responsibility ( always being so) issues.... but now I get it.

 

He has been my best friend... for all these almost 7 years and truly the closest I have been to a good, kind, honest, faithful and caring man. While he has issues, ..we all do. I have lost so much in losing him. It wasn't my fault.... I just never realized how hard I was working to keep a balance in my life all the while, THIS past hurt was just creating havoc within and in my capacity for a healthier R. Goodness knows, I am a good person, with so much love ... but that just isn't enough.

 

yesterday I lost it ..all day, I couldn't get past the knowing of my past and how it hurts.... how it hurt my life....

and there aren't people I can just go to and say, hey by the way, this is what happened to me , this how I hurt today and i so need a hug and someone to hold me and just love me a bit through the grief and the heartache.

 

I called him crying, he didn't pick up ... twice and I left him a message ...in my sobbing tears of how this all hurts, how I just need support and how he has been my BF and just so need support.

He never picked up, never called me ... no message....

silence.

nothing

 

days ago I sent him a document about what partners or people experience with survivors of CSA.... it is almost text book of who I have been all these years... but how optimistic it is that with therapy we can heal .... with support.

 

not sure where his compassion is, not sure where his heart is.

 

I don't think I could ever turn away from him if he were to come to me for support....

 

all this hurts so much.

I just needed to put this someplace today.

I so needed him to hold me, be my best friend...

and he isn't.

 

**Love can only flourish between two strong individuals...** saw this today, it spoke to me.. maybe it will for someone else too.

[Ruby65]

I called him crying, he didn't pick up ... twice and I left him a message ...in my sobbing tears of how this all hurts, how I just need support and how he has been my BF and just so need support.

He never picked up, never called me ... no message....

silence.

nothing

 

days ago I sent him a document about what partners or people experience with survivors of CSA.... it is almost text book of who I have been all these years... but how optimistic it is that with therapy we can heal .... with support.

 

Oh, honey.... I'm so sorry for what you're going through!

 

It sounds really rough -- and to have to go through a breakup on top of it, I can't imagine how hard that must be.

 

The thing is, it's not a good idea to be looking to your ex for comfort right now. He's not going to be there for you -- contact with him is only going to bring you pain right now, not comfort.

 

You CAN find comfort and support -- with your friends, with your therapist, in survivor support groups and online support sites.

 

But not with your ex-boyfriend.

 

That's why he's not taking your calls... he wants you to accept this, he doesn't want to lead you on.

 

Please don't use this as a way to try and pull him back into your life. He's not having it and it's only going to bring you more pain, the longer you try!

 

 

Focus on working through this, on strengthening the other relationships in your life.

 

But the sooner you can stop expecting him to be there for you, the sooner you can remove at least one source of pain from your life.

[ephemeralme]

Oh, honey.... I'm so sorry for what you're going through!

 

It sounds really rough -- and to have to go through a breakup on top of it, I can't imagine how hard that must be.

 

The thing is, it's not a good idea to be looking to your ex for comfort right now. He's not going to be there for you -- contact with him is only going to bring you pain right now, not comfort.

 

You CAN find comfort and support -- with your friends, with your therapist, in survivor support groups and online support sites.

 

But not with your ex-boyfriend.

 

That's why he's not taking your calls... he wants you to accept this, he doesn't want to lead you on.

 

Please don't use this as a way to try and pull him back into your life. He's not having it and it's only going to bring you more pain, the longer you try!

 

 

Focus on working through this, on strengthening the other relationships in your life.

 

But the sooner you can stop expecting him to be there for you, the sooner you can remove at least one source of pain from your life.

 

 

Thank you Ruby65!

I appreciate your good thoughts and words ....

 

it is as painful to read this: That's why he's not taking your calls... he

wants you to accept this, he doesn't want to lead you on.

 

Please don't use this as a way to try and pull him back into your life. He's not having it and it's only going to bring you more pain, the longer you try!

 

NOT because you wrote it, but because I can't believe that he would, knowing what he knows now has lost compassion, understanding and forgiveness. I certainly never behaved or did/didn't do anything because of ill intent. I certainly wasn't an ogre in his life.... there was much goodness, love and joy btwn us ( and he was my fiance; not just a Boyfriend. ) he was my best friend... particularly knowing all the events in my life/my family's life ( so many struggles in the past year) that were all incredibly hard, challenging, emotional and distressing to say the least.

 

I am as hurt at his silence as I am of his lack of integrity to commitment, not upholding to a promise and what in some ways seems selfish... when my life was upside down and it was apparent that I was a bit of a mess.... rather than ask, communicate or look at the big picture he bailed.

therein is the tragic irony.

without him leaving , I would not have gone to the therapist ( or anytime soon) to unravel this hurt within me .. but when I need my best friend the most for support... he isn't there.

 

I have even apologized remorsefully for how I have hurt him... recognizing and understanding what, why , how the abuse in my past actually created an imbalance in my trust, self perception etc.... I truly am sorry, because I never meant him any harm, hurt or sadness. He said he ended up putting up walls in the end ( mostly after my year of ext family struggles--because we became so disconnected and I was searching for reassurance, support) the more I did, the more he backed away. The more he backed away, the more he triggered my sense of mistrust...and so on.

I hurt him in the end by not trusting him.

For this I asked him to forgive me.... because.... I do love him with my whole heart and truly know he is a good man and never gave me reason to mistrust him ( it is triggers.... not the person)....

 

when we spoke briefly he said he forgave me ...but I think forgiveness takes some time to process and assess everything... i don't think it is just a knee jerk response to the request. So, I don't think he has forgiven me.

 

Now, ........ I feel most alone, I am thankful for a few good friends, my family and a very very supportive therapist. But I am alone, in this pain, this struggle and it is not only frightening, deeply painful but also feels so hopeless....

 

my future............? I am not a loner, I love companionship and sharing joys of life and love.... but to what .... I cannot imagine another man let alone finding another good man... in my life who won't up and leave me .

 

sigh, there is a giving up I feel.

giving up on some hope, giving up on him....

giving up on a belief that he would be there for me as I have always been for him.

giving up believing he has the capacity to be a stronger person and find forgiveness, understanding and willingness .

Love, LTRs, require commitment, forgiveness, communication, will, strength, honesty, openness and effort to persevere when things get rough.

At least I know I have that within me. ... but what good is it? alone.

...

[Ruby65]

Sweetie, we're all alone... together. That's the human condition.

 

Your ex -- any ex (boyfriend, fiance or husband) -- is allowed to end a relationship, no matter if it's been going on 7 years, 15 years, 30 years or more.

 

He's allowed to change his mind and decide to end it and it doesn't make him heartless or cruel, it just means the relationship isn't working for him anymore.

 

It would be MORE cruel for him to continue to stay in contact with you, hold your hand, and give you false hopes that he wants to reconcile. By cutting contact, he's actually showing you kindness, compassion and understanding.

 

What he's doing now is the best and healthiest course of action -- for both of you.

 

Lean on the other people in your life. Join a survivor's support group. Work on yourself through therapy.

 

But of course you'll recover from this breakup.... and I'm sure you'll find love again and another partner when you're healed and ready to move on.

 

[ephemeralme]

Sweetie, we're all alone... together. That's the human condition.

 

Your ex -- any ex (boyfriend, fiance or husband) -- is allowed to end a relationship, no matter if it's been going on 7 years, 15 years, 30 years or more.

 

He's allowed to change his mind and decide to end it and it doesn't make him heartless or cruel, it just means the relationship isn't working for him anymore.

 

It would be MORE cruel for him to continue to stay in contact with you, hold your hand, and give you false hopes that he wants to reconcile. By cutting contact, he's actually showing you kindness, compassion and understanding.

 

What he's doing now is the best and healthiest course of action -- for both of you.

 

Lean on the other people in your life. Join a survivor's support group. Work on yourself through therapy.

 

But of course you'll recover from this breakup.... and I'm sure you'll find love again and another partner when you're healed and ready to move on.

 

 

 

painful perspective.... hits hard

and while I suppose intellectually I appreciate what we as partners are allowed to do.

I think it says something about a person when they choose to leave a R, to which they made a promise, to which they didn't work to communicate more honestly and openly BEFORE it got to a point of ending.

 

regardless, he has walked away from his marriage, the ex GF who is a closet alchoholic and cheated on him and now me.. ( and I am going to go on a limb to say, likely the most loving partner he has had).

 

He losses in the end, as well because with perseverance and the commitment to each other is where growth occurs. NOT by starting over and over again and again...

 

( his actions may be healthy for us both-- hopefully one day I will see it that way)

 

for now, I see it as short of compassion, short of understanding and short of integrity to commitment, and the hard work of a relationship.

 

I know I am ranting......... its the hurt, the disappointment and the sadness in actually seeing him as just a human.. weaknesses, issues and failures as well.

 

Thus why I feel myself giving up.

can't count on someone who can't be counted on.

.. it sucks, but it is real.

 

 

thanks Ruby for your support ..

[Ruby65]

Sweetie, I don't mean that his breaking up with you is necessarily the healthiest choice...

 

I mean that his refusal to stay in contact with you after the breakup is actually the most compassionate thing he can do for you now.

 

You need time to heal and recover from this breakup. That can't happen if you keep him in your life. Any contact is only going to make it harder on you -- not easier.

 

Have you read this guide? It will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

[ephemeralme]

thanks for the reminder link... will go back to it. I looked at it weeks ago.

had a different kind of strength then... before the inward view opened up..

 

 

there have been so many hurts in the past year to present, that my insides are on the outside and every nerve and fiber of my being is trying to get through each moment, day, night and daily effort. Losing my best friend and partner has left me so deeply sad and pained...wishing for just his hug or reassurance...

 

 

NC has been hard these past 2 weeks... but I have --at least for the sake of telling myself to-- given up and am doing what I can to keep to NC.

 

 

thanks for your support Ruby........

 

 

it is much appreciated, needed and helpful!