Ex lives two houses down. Having a hard time. Venting...

[jdids247]

This is mostly a venting post, so excuse it for being long winded.

 

I'm 29 and she's 30. Dated for two years.

 

She was a year or so removed from a abusive divorce where she was with him for 8 years. He was unfaithful and verbally abusive. The classic *******.

 

I dated someone for 6 years. Was engaged. She had a miscarriage and everything went to **** after that. Says she didn't cheat but her behavior proved otherwise.

 

I met her since she's my neighbor. I bought a house and she bought one down the street from me a few months later. It started off fairly slow...we both knew of our pasts and we actually bonded by it and became friends. Somewhere along the line we started to have a fwb situation that blossomed into something pretty great.

 

5 months into the relationship, it was the best thing I've had. Extremely affectionate, loving, and caring. It was the exact opposite of my last relationship. We were both smitten, but it ended up too hard too fast. She started to get distant. After about a month of this, I'd had enough and ended the relationship. 3 weeks go by and she reaches out stating it was hard not talking to me. We patched things up and went another year and a half.

 

Things were always rocky after that, and I ignored all of the red flags. The affection and loving was very sporadic. Her insecurities were drowning me. She began to get extremely impatient and controlling. Nothing I was doing was good enough. My family and friends weren't good enough either. There was always an issue with something. She would flip over some of the weirdest things and wouldn't hesitate to yell and degrade me in front of my family and friends. I began to pull away because I didn't feel appreciated or loved. If I did one thing wrong out of 99, she'd focus on the 1 thing and forget about the other 99 things I've done. After a year and a half of being beat down and telling her I didn't appreciate her attitude, I stopped trying to fight. She was never going to see that what she was doing to me wasn't working.

 

We basically lived with each other for the past 8 months of the relationship, but we eventually moved in some of my things to her place after she pushed and pushed for it to happen. I figured moving in would smooth over some issues she had. After she had a meltdown in the grocery store and sobbed the entire way home after she asked if I wanted strawberries and I said no, I knew it was over. I went to her house and packed my stuff.

 

After a week her sister in law sends me a text wanting to know what happened. She says my ex is an idiot that can't see what's in front of her and she treated me like ****.

 

Fast forward 3 weeks. I caved and sent her a picture of us stating I missed us being happy and some other sappy ****. She doesn't respond until the next night. We talk it out and cry and cry and agree to give it another shot. I talk with my mother and state that I want them to figure out their issues and she agrees. I tell my ex this and she completely blows her lid and chews my ass out in front of our neighbors and causes a scene. I told her I'm not tolerating her behavior and abuse and she rolls her eyes at me. Right then and there I realized she doesn't get it...she can't see how she is causing the problems because she feels her attitude and behavior is warranted.

 

Her sister in law stops over and once again says my ex is an idiot and needs to get her head out of her ass. Says she's not going to have any sympathy for her anymore since she threw away a good man.

 

After a few weeks, her father stops by my house. Says he doesn't know what's going on between his daughter and I, so I told him it wasn't working out. He starts to get teary eyed. Says he loves me and he couldn't live with his daughter either. Asks if we're done and I say yeah. We both have things we need to work on by ourselves.

 

Her brother shoots me a text thanking me for a gift card I gave him for helping with a house project.

 

Anyway.....this is just a venting session. I'm having a hard time. She treated me like ****, yet here I am feeling like I lost a one in a million. In reality this was never going to work yet we both held on for dear life. It doesn't help that her family still is popping up and unfortunately I can't get away from them since we're neighbors and I am in a sports league with her brother.

 

It also doesn't help that her family is on my side and sees how she contributed to the demise of the relationship. I know I wasn't the perfect partner, but my ex felt entitled for the perfect partner after her divorce (her words, not mine). They loved me like I was part of the family and would tell her she needs to get a grip and stop being so brash with me. This is probably the hardest things for me. I makes me feel like if she'd just snap out of it, it would work...but that's wishful thinking and it would be like trying to squeeze water out of a rock.

[brokengirl85]

Omg, looks like she has some serious issues. Probably a case of borderline. Why would you want to be with a woman like her? I'd run as fast as I could!!

 

Also, that abusive ex...really? My guess is that she was the abusive pne and the guy is free and happy. That woman seems to be very problematic and horrible. Please run!!!

[Downtown]

She began to get extremely impatient and controlling. Nothing I was doing was good enough. My family and friends weren't good enough either.... She would flip over some of the weirdest things and wouldn't hesitate to yell and degrade me in front of my family and friends.

JD, I agree with BrokenGirl that the behaviors you describe -- i.e., event-triggered irrational anger, controlling behavior, strong insecurities, trying to isolate you from friends and family (who "weren't good enough"), rapid flips between Jekyll and Hyde, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Moreover, the repeated cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is another red flag for BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD.

 

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

As BrokenGirl advised, your best course is to run and not look back. Yet, if you ever feel inclined to take your exGF back, I would then suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with. If you're interested, you may want to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join BrokenGirl in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid repeating a painful experience -- i.e., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you left (if she has strong BPD traits). Take care, JD.

[jdids247]

I appreciate the feedback.

 

What I meant by insecurities was she has some body issues. She didn't receive affection well after our honeymoon period, and unfortunately for me, affection is my love language. Her's is acts of service. I always felt like there was never anything I could do enough for her.

 

Funny thing is, she's a social worker and deals with young children going through issues. You'd think that someone of her caliber would be able to apply what she learns at her job into her personal life.

 

I'm not so sure it's a BPD thing...I think it's a control freak mentality. Her father had an affair but her mom took her back, so after her divorce, I think some deep seated issues popped back up and prolonged into our relationship. She wasn't one to deal with pain. She'd immerse herself in her job or take on part time work to "heal". Her need for control was her only way of feeling secure. She always said she didn't feel safe in the relationship and was deathly afraid of being vulnerable, and I can never understand why she felt that way as I gave her no reason to *not* feel safe. I am someone who is very emotionally accommodating and understanding. I can feel how people are feeling and can adapt to them. But when we would get in fights and I would voice my concerns, she would shut down and not say anything. She'd try to say something, then state that I wouldn't understand. I always told her that I'd understand if she'd just communicate with me calmly instead of chewing my rear end!

 

She'd mention she'd want to be a team and do things together, but she'd get so impatient and crabby over the weirdest things. We'd have a fight about something and I couldn't understand where the reasoning even came from. I felt like I was going crazy.

 

I can't say I was a saint. I'm very laid back, go with the flow and her mentality is very Type A (lists, calendars, having a set way of doing things and ignoring other methods...) and this caused more issues than I can shake a stick at.

[Downtown]

I'm not so sure it's a BPD thing.

Nor am I. As I said, JD, I cannot answer that question because I've never met her. Did many of the 18 BPD Warning Signs sound very familiar? If so, I believe it would be helpful if you would tell us which ones are very strong.

[ToOldForThis]

WOW!

 

 

Jdids247,

 

Your story was my life and sounds almost exactly like the relationship I had with my ex for 3.5 years. We live 3 blocks from each other and started the same way you did. We also started off very slow; 3 months of a friendship, then….fast and hard once we realized our attraction. I have even described our beginning as “smitten” by her to my friends.

 

Literally almost the same patterns and behavior as you are experiencing. She pulled away and exhibited red flags after 5-6 months of honeymoon, so I broke up. She returned a week later, I took her back. Over and over again for the next few years. I was the affectionate one; she loved it but did not return the gesture often. Nothing I did was good enough then she’d flip and I was the most amazing man there ever was. Then back to devaluing me. She never took responsibility for anything she did or her part in the demise or the relationship. She had frequent blow-ups over the strangest things. Became very insecure etc. Caused public scenes’ in front of neighbors, friends and family. She became violent during our fights. Did your sex life become much less frequent, strained, and did it become a controlling tool for her? Mine did. Did you ex ever get violent with you?

 

My ex is borderline. I knew nothing about this condition until my sister (a physiologist) met her and spent some time with her socially. Then I find out the ex’s mother is severely borderline and spent time institutionalized. Here is the nasty part; I still kept coming back for more, and almost 4 months after the final break I am still not over her. These type of woman (and I have no idea if your ex is actually borderline) are a special breed of intoxicating addictive fuel for guys like us.

 

I have learned so much about myself these past few months. Mainly, why did I stay, and keep coming back? My gut kept telling me to run, my break-ups with her were because my brain was screaming to get out, but my heart was always too weak to listen. I am still struggling with all of this and have been told by professionals that borderlines are magical creatures. They can be amazing woman; smart, dynamic, exciting passionate loving but ultimately full of drama and craziness. Black and white blamers who project as a coping skill. They carry a façade to the rest of the world as being wonderful and very together in their professional life but a train wreck on an intimate level. Many of her friends thought it was me, how could the stories of their sweet loving friend be true?

 

In the end, what made the break-up “stick” was that she found someone else to fill her void and totally lied. And once that happened, I was discarded like a piece of garbage. It was like I never existed. Me the “love of her life” who she expressed to over and over again that she never loved anyone as much as me was no longer of value once her new BF appeared and was plugged into her life. She lied about that and dozens of other things I later found out.

 

I guess my best advise for you is to really take a very honest look at yourself and what you did or didn’t get from the relationship. Ask yourself why you thought you deserved to be treated so poorly and thought that was okay. Think about what true love really means to you and were you receiving that our just giving it. Make a pros and cons list and hang it on the wall. Read it every day and add to it as you remember things.

 

Read what downtown has written and follow his links. He seems to understand this very well.

 

This has been the most difficult break-up I have ever experienced and after almost 4 months I am finally breaking free of all the pain it has caused me. Sad thing is, if she came back begging…..I still question my strength and rational decisions making as to if I would kick her to the curb, or welcome her with loving arms. I hope for my own sanity and personal growth I have done. that the former would without hesitation be my choice.

 

Good luck and please feel free to share more of your story if you feel comfortable. I am unfortunately, a bit of an expert on this type of relationship and woman.

Edited May 21, 2015 by ToOldForThis

[Strength in Healing]

I would need to meet her to diagnose her but I'm putting my money on borderline.

 

Anyways, sorry brother. I've been through this hell before too. It gets better. The girl probably is one in a million, just in all the wrong ways.

[jdids247]

Literally almost the same patterns and behavior as you are experiencing. She pulled away and exhibited red flags after 5-6 months of honeymoon, so I broke up. She returned a week later, I took her back. Over and over again for the next few years. I was the affectionate one; she loved it but did not return the gesture often. Nothing I did was good enough then she’d flip and I was the most amazing man there ever was. Then back to devaluing me. She never took responsibility for anything she did or her part in the demise or the relationship. She had frequent blow-ups over the strangest things. Became very insecure etc. Caused public scenes’ in front of neighbors, friends and family. Did your sex life become much less frequent, strained, and did it become a controlling tool for her? Mine did. Did you ex ever get violent with you?

 

Yes, less frequent sex. Very giving in the beginning but wouldn't initiate or be responsive to me initiating after the honeymoon stage. She was very self conscious of her body and I'd always have to be in a position where she wasn't on top. She once said that she doesn't get in the mood like I do (just being horny) but that she needs things done for her...almost like a princess complex. I couldn't believe the words that came out of her mouth so I stopped trying for a few months, then all of a sudden she's worried about it and says it is very concerning to her that we aren't having it anymore. I told her that what she said months ago is the reason I stopped and she denied saying it. Yet, she never tried to change the problem...it was always a double standard with her.

 

She was so guarded all of the time. That was the reason we split the first time. She was terrified of being vulnerable and it was a very big issue for me in this relationship. I felt if I did more then she'd let her guard down and we could become a couple who could understand each other.

 

We'd have fights where she'd bring up things, and I'd ask for examples, then she'd get mad and state that it was a theoretical example. So we're fighting about something you made up in your head? I can't count how many times where I was getting yelled at for something I didn't even know I was doing wrong. It was almost like she was paralyzed by her anxiety of someone doing something different than her.

 

One of the most ironic things was that she'd cry and say she wanted things to start to get easy when in reality she was causing the majority of the issues. I don't understand how she wasn't self aware enough to realize that.

 

I say all of these things that make her painted in a bad light, but she was a good person...just not to me or people she cared about. I think that's one of the reasons why I was clinging on for dear life. I always thought if I would just do all of these things better, she'll finally let her guard down and be vulnerable with me....that was wishful thinking at best.