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Trying to cope, but my heart is breaking. [updated]


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I'll try to keep this short. I just needed to vent. I'm sick of crying. I tried to be strong, but then the dam broke and I've been flooded with tears for days now. I don't think I have any tears left to cry. Guess I spoke too soon...

 

Anyway, I've been in this position many times before. Figured it would be easier or I'd be used to it by now, but that's not the case. I'm so damn fearful of getting involved with anyone because I'm so afraid THIS will happen again and it always does.

 

I've been seeing this guy for seven months now. I was overly cautious and it took me months for me to agree to even go on a date with him. I was just so afraid of being hurt again. Well I got attached and things were going really great. I had fallen for him. We hit a rough patch awhile back as he was having some issues with his health and became distant, but we got past that and things were fine again...better than fine. All of a sudden out of nowhere he went silent on me. It's been 20 days since I've heard from him. I mailed him a card the other day just to say I was thinking about him, but I got nothing. I broke the silence tonight and sent him a text against my better judgement to see if he was ok? Still I got nothing back. This is the longest we've ever gone without contact. I fear that it's finally over and it hurts like hell. More than anything it hurts not knowing what happened or what I could have done to make him change his mind about me? I told him if he ever lost interest in me to just tell me and be upfront about it...that he didn't have to be afraid to tell me. I've had too many guys pull the silent treatment on me and just fade away. I told him I didn't want that. Well it looks like that's happened. I know he's still alive and well because he's been active on facebook.

 

It just hurts and I'm tired. I can't keep doing this. I think I'm becoming bitter towards the whole concept of finding love. I'm 32 years old and all I've ever wanted was to fall in love with someone, get married and be a mother. I've never been in a successful relationship and wonder if I'll ever find one. The idea of starting over and dating new people again just makes me nauseous. I really feel for all of you going through something similar or even worse because this really does suck! :(

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brokengirl85

In your other post you said you met him in January, that's 4 months...from what I read, your dates mostly consisted on hanging out on each other's houses, and you and him being intimates (5th date). No plans, no meeting his friends or family...I honestly don't see a relationship there. You were more like a friend with benefits...

I wouldn't worry too much about him disappearing. He owns you nothing. And guys are cowards by nature. He's probably found someone else to have sex with. Block him. No need for closure, him ignoring you is your closure. I'm sorry you're suffering. You sound very naive too.

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I never said what we had was a relationship. I've known him for 7 months, but we went on our first date in December. I don't understand how it could be a friends with benefits though? I've had one before and this was very different. Our first few dates were actually out at public places. Yes, we slept together on our 5th date, but I don't regret that. Yes, most of the time was spent at each others houses, but we did not sleep together each time. We had dinner, watched movies, played board games and talked for hours. We may have not had a relationship, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. Listen, I'm not trying to argue about the details or make excuses and I know whatever we had wasn't very long at all, but for some reason I'm still hurting over this. Maybe that makes me weak or overly sensitive. I'm certainly far from perfect and never denied being naive too.

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Well, it sounds like he's pulling a disappearing act on you. Lovely. :(

 

But regardless of whatever's going on in HIS head, you need to pull back and stop reaching out. A card and a text are more than enough. Anything else is just chasing him away.

 

It's understandable that you're disappointed but please don't give in to bitterness or cynicism about love. You still have so much time ahead of you to meet someone, fall in love, get married and have a child! I know the early 30's can feel like time is almost up.... but really, it's so not true. Try to relax -- I wish I had done so more at your age. :)

 

Work on yourself and doing things that feed your soul and make you happy. Like attracts like and if you want a great partner, you need to be a great partner.

 

Maybe take some time off dating and work on some new goals for yourself? The happier and more fulfilled you are on your own, the easier it is to ride out the ups and downs of dating.

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I don't know why so many guys just disappear like that...

Lately i've seen many stories on here about guys pulling the Houdini act. They date for acouple of months and everything is going swell, until one day they just stop responding to the girl. No response, no explanation, they just disappear. I think it's the most cowardly **** i've ever heard, but I guess this is why most women prefer to be single. Frankly, I can't blame them.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, but this not the kind of man you want in your life. You deserve better than this POS.

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Thanks for the kind words. I'm definitely taking a long long break from dating. I just can't handle another heartbreak in the near future. I wish I wasn't so sensitive.

 

He sent me a text this morning which read "I'm not doing well. My health is suffering as well as work. I need time to myself to get through this..." I'm not dismissing the fact that he's going through a rough time with his health. I believe that he is, but I don't feel that that's the reason he's cutting contact with me. I truly feel that he's lost interest. I just don't understand why it's so hard for him to tell me that especially since a few weeks ago I point blank asked him if he was still interested in me? And then proceeded to tell him if he ever did to please just let me know. I guess I'll never get that response and will just have to take a hint and move on. Apparently he can still communicate with people on facebook, but he's too ill to communicate with me.

 

I just feel so foolish. Guess I'm still living and learning. Regardless of everything, I pray he is able to overcome these health issues and hope that he finds someone who truly makes him happy. I miss him and will continue to I'm sure, but life goes on whether you're ready for it or not.

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Miss Clavel

it's over. let.it.go. move on.

 

he's a pig. a pussy. a coward.

 

he can't even end it with you, in person.

 

i understand it's the style now to end it in a text or on facebook but that is the low class chicken **** way. and not acceptable to any woman with a working sense of self.

 

leave him alone.

 

and sweetie, i know it hurts. i know you're confused, baffled, let down. but, unfortunately there is not a damn thing you can to about it. well, not if you want to keep your pride.

 

there's a plan, there is someone for you, and when you meet them, you are going to be so fing happy this guy left.

 

 

good luck.

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Yeah -- based on his text I'd say his disappearing doesn't have anything to do with his health OR work. That's code for he's checking out someone else.

 

He's disappeared because this way he keep you as a Plan B without having to explain every day why he's not dating you.

 

Shame on him. :(

 

It's time to BLOCK this guy on your phone. Walk away -- for real.

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brokengirl85

Hi Cora how you doing today? I agree with other posters, he said that to you because guys would never say to your face that they don't like you. Because they don't want to hear you cry or get mad at them, so they just ignore or answer some silly excuse: I'm busy, I'm sick, I'm leaving the country, my mom is sick, my friend is sick...whatever. Silly excuses.

 

If the guy is into you, they would want to see you, make you happy, communicate with you in every form and shape, be with you!! Make you laugh...

 

Just block him. Not worth your time or tears.

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Hi Cora how you doing today? I agree with other posters, he said that to you because guys would never say to your face that they don't like you. Because they don't want to hear you cry or get mad at them, so they just ignore or answer some silly excuse: I'm busy, I'm sick, I'm leaving the country, my mom is sick, my friend is sick...whatever. Silly excuses.

 

If the guy is into you, they would want to see you, make you happy, communicate with you in every form and shape, be with you!! Make you laugh...

 

Just block him. Not worth your time or tears.

 

I'm pretending to be ok. It was so hard to keep it together at work today when all I wanted to do was cry. I did manage to keep it together though up until I got in my car to come home. That's when I couldn't hold it in any longer. It's difficult because no one knows about him...well except for my brother who met him once and my mom who did not meet him. My brother and I are really close so we pretty much talk about everything. My mom only found out about him because she is nosy. My brother knows how much this is hurting me because I talk his poor ear off about it, but I'd never let him see me cry. I make it a point not to ever cry in front of anyone. Not even family. My mom keeps asking about him though, but I don't dare tell her what's going on. I'd rather not discuss it with her. I just wish she'd stop mentioning him. Everyone else I have to keep it together in front of because they don't even know he exists. I make it a point not to tell anyone about who I'm dating (with the exception of my brother) unless it becomes really serious which hasn't happened yet with anyone.

 

I know it gets easier with time..I know this because I've been through it before, but today was just really hard. After tomorrow I leave to go on vacation. It just sucks that I'm going to be depressed on my vacation. I'm trying to remember what life was like before I ever met him, but it's hard. I hate this feeling so much which is why I'm so afraid of getting involved with someone. All I want to do is sleep because when I sleep I'm not aware of the pain. It wouldn't be so bad if he didn't pop into my mind 24/7. I don't know why it's so hard for me to get over people. It seems so easy for other people. I didn't even know this guy for that long, but when he came over to my place he'd stay for hours and would usually end up spending the night. So I have nothing but reminders of him here. Some days I wish I had never met him. My life was perfectly fine until he came into it. I just want to forget...erase all the memories from my mind. Like he never existed. It hurts too much to think about...replaying everything in my mind over and over again and I can't seem to stop it. :(

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I still just can't get over the fact that he could do something like this. He never gave off any red flags that I could remember. He was always a very respectable guy or so he appeared. When we went out he'd always pay for my meal, he'd always text me to make sure I made it home safely, he cooked for me and when I cooked for him he insisted on doing the dishes. Just little things. He always made me think he was into me. He was also 9 years older than me and I figured he'd be more mature and not do something like this. He did tell me though when we first started dating that he was hard to get close to. He is divorced though so I don't know if his marriage really affected him. He was also in the marines and would always tell me stories about it and his buddies, one of whom recently died. I know that messed with his head because he was depressed about it for awhile. I felt bad for him, but I could not help him because he would not let me in. Not saying that I could help him, but I truly cared about him so I at least wanted to try.

 

Anyway, all that's water under the bridge now. Somehow without me knowing he lost interest and felt as if he could not tell me that and instead just drifted away. I will never understand and I think the confusion hurts the most. I don't mean to keep venting. It just feels better to get out...

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brokengirl85

M sorry about your pain.

 

My ex also was adorable and showed he really care. I will never understand as well, how he let me go. But it's his loss. I gave him a chance to have me, he didn't care, so I said goodbye and proceed to block him. No second chances. I got tired of him.

 

At the end, it just doesn't matter. Honestly, it's their loss. Some people are not ready for us. We should find someone who appreciates us and don't let us go. Otherwise, life grasping for appreciation is really miserable.

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I'm so sorry to hear this, Cora. :( He sounds like a huge coward, doing the fade like that instead of manning up and being honest with you.

 

Do take care of yourself, pamper yourself as much as you can these few days. There WILL be other men out there, ones who actually have functioning balls.

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Thank you Elswyth! I know it's true...that there will be other guys. My mind knows it. I just have to convince my heart.

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I've been thinking a lot today. The thing is the fact that he lost interest or found someone new or whatever the case may be.....that's not what hurts the most. What hurts the most is that he felt like he couldn't be honest with me about it. He thought he had to just go silent and drift away and then lie about it. After all of our talks and all we've shared with each other he felt he couldn't be honest with me. Thought I couldn't handle the truth. I was there for him through all of his health issues and then he felt he had to use his health issues as an excuse to leave me. I bet he thinks I'm so gullible...sad even.

 

I'm here wracking my brain trying to figure out how long this had been going on. How long it had been since he knew he didn't want to be with me. Maybe he stayed with me longer out of pity. Perhaps he was never truly into me and was only with me out of boredom. Just using me until someone better came along. I'll never know and maybe it's best that way, but it still doesn't prevent my curiosity from running wild. I analyze things to bits.

 

Don't people know that going silent or lying and having no closure is the worst kind of pain? My ex from several years ago left me that way and the one before that did as well. I understand that they don't want to create drama or whatever, but the person they are leaving has a right to know. My most recent ex from several years ago did eventually tell me the reason he left, but only after I kept demanding for an answer. He finally told me he met someone else and did not want to hurt me. Little did he know that disappearing without warning hurt so much more. I did not even blow up at him. All I said was "thank you for being honest with me, but you could have told me sooner. Take care." That was all I said. There was no drama, pleading, sobbing or yelling. I mean we are all human. We all tire of people, lose interest or find someone new...it happens. If only people could be upfront then they wouldn't have to put up with the other person nagging them with calls and texts demanding to know what happened? Just rip the band aid off already and get it over with. I'd like to think I have more dignity now so I wont text or call this guy to demand an explanation. I don't want to look even more pitiful than I already do. So I will just accept it and move on silently like he did. It's not as if I have a choice anyway.

 

I know I'm going to encounter more heartache in the future...it's inevitable, but I just wonder how many more guys I'm going to meet, fall in love with only to have them walk away silently into the sunset without me...no goodbye, no explanation...nothing?

 

I told myself I wouldn't cry today, but I did...a lot. I just miss him and have no idea why? How can I miss someone who treats me this way? This confusion hurts the most too. I feel so empty and depressed. Tomorrow I leave for my 6 day beach vacation and I'm not even happy about it. Haven't even packed yet...I just don't feel like doing much of anything except sleeping this pain away...:(

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I feel for you. I had a guy do the disappearing act many, many years ago. He literally left town and didn't tell me. I was devastated for three months, until I fell in love with someone else.

 

He came back grovelling two years later. I should have learned my lesson. I didn't.

 

Then he had the nerve to come back a THIRD time, and years later, msg me on FB. I never responded.

 

People who do this are complete and utter sh&ts. You have my sympathies. It does get better. Promise.

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I've been thinking a lot today. The thing is the fact that he lost interest or found someone new or whatever the case may be.....that's not what hurts the most. What hurts the most is that he felt like he couldn't be honest with me about it. He thought he had to just go silent and drift away and then lie about it. After all of our talks and all we've shared with each other he felt he couldn't be honest with me. Thought I couldn't handle the truth. I was there for him through all of his health issues and then he felt he had to use his health issues as an excuse to leave me. I bet he thinks I'm so gullible...sad even.

 

 

 

Sweetie, I honestly think you're thinking of this all wrong.

 

I think the reason he went silent wasn't because he didn't think you could handle it.... or that he couldn't be honest with you.

 

He went silent because if he told you the truth, you'd never be his Plan B and take him back.

 

He disappeared to PRESERVE YOU as an OPTION.

 

He can't tell you the truth because it's something you wouldn't forgive. Like, he met someone else he wants to pursue. Or, an ex came sniffing around and he wants to see where that leads. Or, he just realized he's not over an ex and wants more time to heal.

 

I guarantee you that your train of thought is incorrect -- it's not a judgment against you that he isn't being honest.

 

It's against HIM, it's him being sleazy and dishonest and wanting to keep you as an option, I'm almost certain. It's HIM wanting you to keep thinking of him as "a good person" so if he decides to pursue you later, you're still open to dating him again.

 

What if he WAS honest, would you still consider going out with him again?

 

If he told you "I met someone new and I want to see how it goes, but if it doesn't work out I'd like the option to start dating you again".... is that something you'd consider for even a second?

 

No, of course not. No sane person with any self-respect would agree to that.

 

So, he feeds you this b.s. about work and health, blah blah blah, and makes sure there's no communication so you can't ask him any questions and he doesn't have to explain anything further.

 

Really, this is about HIM -- not about you or your shortcomings.

 

You know, breakups trigger all kinds of deep-seated abandonment issues. There's a great book about breaking up and healing called "The Journey From Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson that really helps with recovery -- maybe you should check it out? It's on Amazon.

 

Also be sure to check out this free site that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

Good luck to you! :)

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Cora, please do your best to go on your beach vacation and forget this guy! It's just what you need, some R&R with friends. :) It will get easier, I promise.

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I feel for you. I had a guy do the disappearing act many, many years ago. He literally left town and didn't tell me. I was devastated for three months, until I fell in love with someone else.

 

He came back grovelling two years later. I should have learned my lesson. I didn't.

 

Then he had the nerve to come back a THIRD time, and years later, msg me on FB. I never responded.

 

People who do this are complete and utter sh&ts. You have my sympathies. It does get better. Promise.

 

I'm sorry you has that done to you. It really sucks. I could never do that to someone. Just leave with no goodbye. Thank you for your reply.

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Sweetie, I honestly think you're thinking of this all wrong.

 

I think the reason he went silent wasn't because he didn't think you could handle it.... or that he couldn't be honest with you.

 

He went silent because if he told you the truth, you'd never be his Plan B and take him back.

 

He disappeared to PRESERVE YOU as an OPTION.

 

He can't tell you the truth because it's something you wouldn't forgive. Like, he met someone else he wants to pursue. Or, an ex came sniffing around and he wants to see where that leads. Or, he just realized he's not over an ex and wants more time to heal.

 

I guarantee you that your train of thought is incorrect -- it's not a judgment against you that he isn't being honest.

 

It's against HIM, it's him being sleazy and dishonest and wanting to keep you as an option, I'm almost certain. It's HIM wanting you to keep thinking of him as "a good person" so if he decides to pursue you later, you're still open to dating him again.

 

What if he WAS honest, would you still consider going out with him again?

 

If he told you "I met someone new and I want to see how it goes, but if it doesn't work out I'd like the option to start dating you again".... is that something you'd consider for even a second?

 

No, of course not. No sane person with any self-respect would agree to that.

 

So, he feeds you this b.s. about work and health, blah blah blah, and makes sure there's no communication so you can't ask him any questions and he doesn't have to explain anything further.

 

Really, this is about HIM -- not about you or your shortcomings.

 

You know, breakups trigger all kinds of deep-seated abandonment issues. There's a great book about breaking up and healing called "The Journey From Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson that really helps with recovery -- maybe you should check it out? It's on Amazon.

 

Also be sure to check out this free site that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

Good luck to you! :)

 

Yeah, you may be right. Just being an option to use later at his convenience hurts too...maybe even more. Just the fact that he lied to me hurts like hell. I know that I'll be ok...my head knows that at least. I'm just trying to tell my heart that. I will definitely check out that book!! And as for that site, I'm reading it now. Thank you so much! :)

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Cora, please do your best to go on your beach vacation and forget this guy! It's just what you need, some R&R with friends. :) It will get easier, I promise.

 

 

I am at the beach now and it is lovely! He really hurt me, but I wasn't going to allow him to ruin MY vacation which I had planned long before he came into the picture. Little things that I'm experiencing or see that remind me of how life was before he came into the picture makes me have all these mixed feelings. Like on one hand it reminds me of how I was ok before he came along, but on the other hand it saddens me because he didn't exist in my life then and now I'm forced to go back to that life that he did not exist in. I'm not sure if that even makes sense. Anyway, thank you Elswyth.

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He sent me a text tonight. "I checked my mailbox for the first time in over a week. Thanks for the card. It made me smile for the first time in a long time!" I didn't know how to respond. I just said you're welcome.

 

Now I'm just back to trying to enjoy my vacation. Despite everything, I truly hope he can find a girl who makes him happy. Obviously, I'm not that girl. I wish him all the best. I just need to move on with my life. It hurts too much to try to be in a relationship. To give all that you have only to be disappointed. I'd just rather be single for a long long time. Avoid the pain. No matter how good a relationship is there will always be pain somewhere. Perhaps trying and failing repeatedly is a sign that I'm meant to be single. For years I thought I had my life all planned out. I knew I always wanted to find the man of my dreams, get married and have a couple of kids. My dream was to always be a mother. But life isn't a fairytale and perhaps I'd make a horrible mother and a terrible wife. It's just selfish thinking on my part. It would kill me inside to know I brought children into this world for my own selfish need. Just because people want children doesn't mean they should always have them. Right now I need to re-evaluate some things in my life. I want to find a better job. That's top priority right now. I'd love to eventually go back to school and get my masters. Been a dream I've been putting off for far too long now. Oh and I want to start going back to the gym again pronto and get back into shape! No more focusing on men. I need to shut them out of my life for a long time. I don't want to fall in love. Love or what I think is love makes me do stupid things. Time to wise up and stop living in a fantasy land!

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I know this is an old thread. I've just had a difficult past few days. A week after he sent me the text thanking me for the card I could not take it anymore and I asked him to please just be upfront with me and let me know he's no longer interested instead of just keeping me hanging. Of course I did not get a response. Then on June 4th I sent him a text wishing him a happy birthday. Please know I am not proud of this and cringe when I think of how I handled this.

 

Anyway, the day after his birthday he sent me this text:

 

"Thanks for the birthday wish! This is my first day at work. I'm only here because I have used all my sick and vacation time and have no choice.

Dr. (I went to a different one) says I may have a brain tumor which is causing my headaches. There is a lot that I have to deal with right now...

I too, have grown fond of you, but I don't think it is fair to drag someone I barely know through it with me. Do your thing. See other people. When I get through this, I will say 'hi.' "

 

I felt awful that he was going through such a rough time with his health. I told him I would give him his space and that was the last time I've spoken to him.

 

It's been a little over 2 months now since we last spoke and I was doing ok until about a week ago. I found out he is back on the dating website we met on. I'm not upset that he's looking for women to date as we were never in anything exclusive so I have no right to be upset over that. Also, he is free to move on with whomever he chooses. Apparently it's over between us anyway.

 

What angers me, makes me feel so hurt and so stupid all at the same time is the fact that it looks like he lied to me. I mean he may really be sick...who knows at this point...I don't know what to believe anymore. But even if he really is sick...he said he needed time to get through this and didn't think it was fair to drag someone through this who he barely knew. So why is he on a dating website? I guess he doesn't mind dragging another new girl through it.

 

I just feel so stupid for feeling so bad for him through these health issues. He probably got a good laugh at my expense. Maybe even pities me. I still miss him terribly, but on the other hand I feel foolish for missing him and I feel foolish for hurting. I shouldn't be hurting. Some days are just harder than others...like tonight.

 

Just needed to vent and get this out. That is all. I know it's 100% over now. It was always 100% over, I just did not want to believe it before. I believe it now. There is no hope left.

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Many, many hugs, Cora. Take care of yourself, and I hope things pick up for you soon. It's normal to have setbacks in coping, but I think for your own sake you really need to go NC and block his number.

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