What made you want to keep going?

[Jonp219]

After a break-up what gave you the will power to continue living? A lot of people are probably not going to be able to relate to this thought process but here goes...

 

After being with the love of your life for a significant amount of years, and for all that to just come to an end (text messaging, talking, dining, getaways etc), how did you find the will to continue living?

They break-up with you, they tell you it's over, they tell you to move on, and you try. However, those 'good morning' messages are gone, the 'how was your day' messages are gone, the occasional 'you want to hang out after work, I miss you' call is gone, their warmth, they're guidance, their love, their presence is gone ALL GONE! How the hell did you find it in you to say, "I'm going to be OK"? How did you find it in you to say, "I'll find someone better"?

 

The fact that one day she's going to be doing and saying all that to another man makes me want to...I don't even want to say it. I know I should be saying, "You know what it's her lost, i'm a great guy", but I can't, because I'm not great. I'm losing 200x more than she ever lost breaking up with me. I can't even look at a women and smile, I feel like i'll just scare her away. She'll see the same thing my ex saw in me 3 months ago, nothing. Everything looks absolutely horrible, my mind is cluttered with hateful dialogue and disturbing scenarios. I just don't feel one with humans anymore.Currently I'm outside walking to get lunch with thousands of tourist all around me, and yet I feel like I'm in a secluded area.

 

Anyway, I rambled on too much. Back to the initial question--What made you want to keep going?

Edited May 16, 2015 by Jonp219

[Itspointless]

After a break-up what gave you the will power to continue living? [...] After being with the love of your life for a significant amount of years, and for all that to just come to an end (text messaging, talking, dining, getaways etc), how did you find the will to continue living?

I wish I could say that I had that for years, but I can't and I am a lot older than you. For a part that is because I was a depressed mess in the beginning of my twenties. Then my mother just had died due to ALS, that was before I turned 20. Those years before with her illness were very stressful. Always try to be grateful for what life is offering you at that particular moment, nothing lasts. Be thankful for what your had already and trust that some good moments will come again, they will.

 

What gives me power: pride. I know I am stronger than the circumstances that I am placed in, even though I know that depression is something I have to avoid as I am always leaning towards it.

[TaraMaiden2]

Because without them, I had the Will before.

 

After them, I called back on that Will.

 

Nobody is worth stopping living over. I'm worth a lot more than that.

 

It's just a break up, and in the "grand scheme of things", they happen all the time, I'm not unique.

 

Sod it.

That's over. And on.....

 

"Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, start all over again."

[NopeNah]

Simple...My life and love for living it, is greater than any love I ever had for any of my ex's. Pedestal is mine,not theirs!

[d0nnivain]

In college I did a dance marathon. . . danced for 48 hours to raise money for kids with cancer.

 

What I learned was that in my darkest moments when my feet were bleeding, when I was hallucinating, when I was so sore I thought I would never move again, after that came an amazing high. It was like a good bi-polar thing. But it taught me that things get better & the feeling of accomplishment I get from enduring is worth all the pain. It's a life lesson that has gotten me through A LOT.

 

 

This is but a blip on the radar of your life. You will get through it & come out stronger on the other side.

[aloneinaz]

I really suggest you go talk to someone about how low you're feeling. It's normal to feel some of what you're feeling but...you need to put things in perspective. It was only a relationship. She's only one of the BILLIONS of women out there.

 

I've been VERY, VERY low after one relationship ended. I couldn't eat, sleep or think for a couple of weeks. I basically couldn't function. I had all the "I'll never find someone as good, hot, sexy, etc" thoughts... It was rough. I saw her on a dating site a week after she ended it which made me feel like I didn't matter to her and she never loved me.. It hurt bad.

 

I finally got pissed at myself and said enough. Why give so much power to someone who doesn't want you in their life? F-them. There's millions of women looking for the same as you. You need to say enough.. No ones worth feeling this way, especially someone who doesn't want you in their life anymore. You then need to start looking forward in your life and stay positive thinking that right now, your future love is out there. That's what I did. I met my now 20 month GF who lives with me 3 months after my ex dumped me. I didn't think I'd ever get over my ex the first few months. I then had the pleasure of telling her NO THANKS when she came back after me 6 months after we broke up.

 

So, this should tell you that MILLIONS have walked the same tunnel you're on now and came out the other side HAPPIER than they were when they were w/their ex.

 

Keep your chin up. Get some therapy, help if you're not feeling better soon. I promise you will feel better.

[Jonp219]

Simple...My life and love for living it, is greater than any love I ever had for any of my ex's. Pedestal is mine,not theirs!

 

Because without them, I had the Will before.

 

After them, I called back on that Will.

 

Nobody is worth stopping living over. I'm worth a lot more than that.

 

It's just a break up, and in the "grand scheme of things", they happen all the time, I'm not unique.

 

Sod it.

That's over. And on.....

 

"Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, start all over again."

 

These are things that I just can't bring myself to say or feel.

 

When I go through a break-up it's ALWAYS a big deal. I'm 25, I've only dated casually 5 times in my life and 2 of those became relationships (only 2 I ever had). I don't really count the first because it was a LDR but that girl broke my heart too. However, this break-up feels like absolute hell, and I feel like I've reached the point of no return. Too many people think break-ups are no big deal, but to me they're everything. If I even think of making you my girlfriend, I'm really sizing you up for marriage. I don't date for fun, I date for companionship and love. I was with the last one for 4 years and I was planning on proposing next year. Next girl I'm proposing after only 2 years I can't let that one get away.

 

"Because without them, I had the Will before." <--- This is a funny one. Because before her I didn't have the will. I was a depressed, unemployed, a delinquent, and a college dropout.

[na49]

When I realized that I'm not alone/unique in my situation. There's a reason why songs about the loss of love are so popular. (because everyone's been through it). If it's so bad, then why hasn't everyone killed themselves after their first love broke up with them? My first girlfriend ended up not being the one I was going to marry/grow old with/die with. I was convinced that I would, but I was wrong. I think that's pretty normal. I have days where I wish that I was dead, but dying won't fix anything really.

 

If you are going to a therapist, maybe you should go to a different one if you aren't feeling any different. It's okay to do that.

 

You need to make a choice to get out of this sh*t hole you are in. Your next girl is NOT going to knock on your door, take her clothes off, f*ck your brains out, marry you, and give you the ending you want. You need to work to make that happen. I think you need to get away from LS for a little while. Coming here every day, writing about how miserable you are/how much you miss your ex isn't going to help you feel better.

[fireflywy]

After a break-up what gave you the will power to continue living? A lot of people are probably not going to be able to relate to this thought process but here goes...

 

After being with the love of your life for a significant amount of years, and for all that to just come to an end (text messaging, talking, dining, getaways etc), how did you find the will to continue living?

 

Simple. By realizing that even for all of mistakes, that this isn't the end of the world. That I have power to change who I am, that I get better each time I'm given the opportunity to have a person in my life, and that I will have future loves which may or may not last and even if they don't last, then they weren't right and that my quest for the right one continues.

[NopeNah]

These are things that I just can't bring myself to say or feel.

 

When I go through a break-up it's ALWAYS a big deal. I'm 25, I've only dated casually 5 times in my life and 2 of those became relationships (only 2 I ever had). I don't really count the first because it was a LDR but that girl broke my heart too. However, this break-up feels like absolute hell, and I feel like I've reached the point of no return. Too many people think break-ups are no big deal, but to me they're everything. If I even think of making you my girlfriend, I'm really sizing you up for marriage. I don't date for fun, I date for companionship and love. I was with the last one for 4 years and I was planning on proposing next year. Next girl I'm proposing after only 2 years I can't let that one get away.

 

"Because without them, I had the Will before." <--- This is a funny one. Because before her I didn't have the will. I was a depressed, unemployed, a delinquent, and a college dropout.

 

Sounds like you have some codependency issues..If you can't be content with your own life, how can you expect your partner(s) to be? Talk to a counselor a few times and figure out what the underlying issue is, would be my suggestion.

[DJOkawari]

After a break-up what gave you the will power to continue living?

 

 

Here's the thing...I don't know what sort of situation you're posting from but you're posting on an online forum about the "will power" to keep living so it appears to me you have a certain standard of life where you aren't worried about physical safety, food, water, and shelter. I've found that in situations like that, aside from illness, accidents, and old age you don't really need much willpower to keep living. You'll just do it.

 

Don't worry about doing anything, just take care of the things you have to take care of and you'll reap the benefits of this situation.

 

 

Currently I'm outside walking to get lunch with thousands of tourist all around me, and yet I feel like I'm in a secluded area.

 

Hey! I did this/felt like this today too. All those happy and laughing people. All of those guys with girlfriends that remind you of her? Yeah it sucked. Nothing else to really say about that, except this:

 

“When I am with you, we stay up all night.

When you're not here, I can't go to sleep.

Praise God for those two insomnias!

And the difference between them.”

― Rumi

 

You're living life. You're part of the human experience. This heartbreak will be a positive memory for you eventually. Years from now, when you're much older you'll remember the time you were this heartbroken. Through all of the time between then and now you'll relate to all of the books, music, poetry, paintings, etc. that have been made through history about this. It's one of the strongest human emotions you could ever feel. Imagine living a life without feeling it? That person missed out.

[Jonp219]

And one last question Jon....

 

Did you TELL your therapist these thoughts?

 

To answer your question from the other thread Fly, no I have not. I'm too ashamed. He was so happy with my progress I don't have the heart to tell him where I have fallen into.

[TrevorDia]

After being with the love of your life for a significant amount of years, and for all that to just come to an end (text messaging, talking, dining, getaways etc), how did you find the will to continue living?

 

 

I guess I knew that I lived long before she came along, and though it royally SUCKED that she was gone, I'd have to find a way to live without her. Though she meant the world to me, the way she feels is not unique, and if she can love me, so can another woman - one who will love me for who I am. After all, I'm not a terrible person - I'm not a murderer or anything.

 

"When the skin burns, you can't unburn the skin. It becomes scarred, but does the skin not work the same as before?"

 

How the hell did you find it in you to say, "I'm going to be OK"?

 

Because I'm out of a toxic relationship. She's a great person. Heck, I'd even say she's my favorite person in the world, but it doesn't change the fact that she no longer loves me. That's just the way life works. Nobody ever said it was fair, but we can't give up. And the next relationship I'm in, perhaps the woman will love me for me.

 

How did you find it in you to say, "I'll find someone better"?

 

Haha, I still doubt this one. To me, she was my soulmate - I'd planned my whole life with her, I didn't want to spend my life without her ever again. But life had other plans. The children we'd planned, gone. The house we were going to move into, sold to someone else. The holidays, cancelled. But I guess everyone thinks the person they loved were the best person in the world. Like, if I met your ex, I would still swear my ex was better and there's nothing you could do to convince me otherwise - and if you met my ex, you would still swear your ex was better and there's nothing I could do to convince you otherwise either. But both our exes, who are "the best" exist. And I'm pretty sure there are more people like that in the world, in fact, if there aren't, I will let you hold me personally accountable. You will find someone better.

[Jonp219]

I guess I knew that I lived long before she came along, and though it royally SUCKED that she was gone, I'd have to find a way to live without her. Though she meant the world to me, the way she feels is not unique, and if she can love me, so can another woman - one who will love me for who I am. After all, I'm not a terrible person - I'm not a murderer or anything.

 

"When the skin burns, you can't unburn the skin. It becomes scarred, but does the skin not work the same as before?"

 

 

 

Because I'm out of a toxic relationship. She's a great person. Heck, I'd even say she's my favorite person in the world, but it doesn't change the fact that she no longer loves me. That's just the way life works. Nobody ever said it was fair, but we can't give up. And the next relationship I'm in, perhaps the woman will love me for me.

 

 

 

Haha, I still doubt this one. To me, she was my soulmate - I'd planned my whole life with her, I didn't want to spend my life without her ever again. But life had other plans. The children we'd planned, gone. The house we were going to move into, sold to someone else. The holidays, cancelled. But I guess everyone thinks the person they loved were the best person in the world. Like, if I met your ex, I would still swear my ex was better and there's nothing you could do to convince me otherwise - and if you met my ex, you would still swear your ex was better and there's nothing I could do to convince you otherwise either. But both our exes, who are "the best" exist. And I'm pretty sure there are more people like that in the world, in fact, if there aren't, I will let you hold me personally accountable. You will find someone better.

 

I don't even know what life was like before her. My life was in turmoil four years ago. I don't even know how I had time for a relationship with everything that was going on. All I know is that I've changed a lot since then. I went back to school, I got a good job, and all for the sake of creating a better future for US. Even though i always told her I was only thinking about me in reality I was thinking about our future, so much that I wasn't focused on what was right in front of me.

 

My relationship was toxic too. I didn't know if I really wanted her anymore. I guess maybe because we were each others first so I didn't want to live my life saying, "What If?" all the time. Now I regret having those thoughts, I should of been more grateful, and less insecure. At the same time she was the one I eventually wanted to marry, I guess because I was so comfortable around her. The sex was amazing and she was open to doing anything with me, I doubt I'll find a girl like her to severe my sexual appetite, but that's a another story.

 

I don't believe i'll ever find someone better than her. I think I should of just been content with what I had. All these girls that I see on dating websites look like they go on a cruise every weekend. They look like they've been around the world and back, twice. I don't have a problem with people traveling, that's fine, but I'm scared of planes. Last time I left the country was over 10 years ago and that was by bus (Canada). I won't be able to keep up with girls like that, both financially and adventure wise. Everyone wants to do so much and I was a relationship were we did so little. I should of been more satisfied knowing that I was getting what I NEEDED.

[SLee]

This is a little long, but here it goes.

 

The first thing I did was allow myself to grieve. I took a good week to cry and wallow and write crappy poetry and did whatever I could to get the feelings out. Keeping my feelings in and pretending I was okay would have made everything worse.

 

The next thing I did was go out with friends and family. The last thing I wanted to do was socialize, and I probably drank way too much a couple times, but being out consistently really showed me that there is a world outside of my ex. It's a big one and there's a lot I have yet to do that I don't need to be in a relationship to do.

 

I'm not going to lie here, the small hope I had/have that my ex and I could reconcile helped keep me going, and sometimes still does. Not like a scheming, planning, kind of hope. Just that having a little hope motivates me to do things to better myself and build the future I want, if that makes sense. It'll likely fade in time. Already has quite a bit.

 

I looked forward to the things I have in the next year: my birthday is this summer, mini road trips with friends, I'm doing theatre this summer, I have a theatre internship in fall, I'm going to start applying to graduate schools and taking those steps. Things like that.

 

Initially post break up, I put all my value on him. The whole "I'm nothing without him" stuff. As the weeks went on, I realized that all my love was still in me. I was still pretty, smart, funny, caring, skilled/talented, loving, etc. The biggest help was that I immediately opened up completely to the people I'm closest to. I didn't hold anything in or hold back, which for me is HUGE, because I have a learned personality flaw where I tend to shut down when stressed and upset, opening up to people is hard. Opening up so fully and completely surrendering to my feelings is a huge step in my development as a human being.

 

I think now about all the great qualities I have that just make me more of a good person than my ex, not that he's an evil bad guy. I'm more noble, I'm stronger, I don't quit on things at the first sign of it being hard, I'm more mature, I'm a bit smarter (that one is more for my own ego!), etc. He doesn't have those qualities to the same degree. It helps me know I can get through this.

 

The other big thing was to take him, the ex, off a pedestal I had put him on in my head. Especially after the break up, I made an idealized version of him in my head that he was the most intelligent, most handsome, most loving, most amazing man in the world and there's no way that I will ever be able to be with another guy. But really looking at his words and actions post break up, and just before hand, I started to see him as he really was: an insecure, drained from stress, mentally exhausted, shut off, immature dude who likes to justify his behavior and rationalize his feelings so he doesn't have to feel guilt over anything he does. It's sad to watch, but that's how he is right now. I do hope, for his sake, he can get better someday.

 

Knowing that he's deteriorated so much helped me realize that NOTHING between us is going to work out when there's all this hurt and emotional monsoon stuff going on. We both need to be away from each other, whether we reconcile someday or not.

 

Hold on as best you can. In summary:

1. Grieve when you need to. Don't hide your feelings.

2. Make sure to be out and about in the world as much as you can manage for yourself, it's a big world out there.

3. Take care of your physical and mental health, it's huge.

4. Take action to improve your life by doing things you always wanted to do.

5. Look forward to events in the near-future. Birthdays, trips, music festivals, etc.

6. Don't put all your value as a person on your ex. Everything you had before you even started seeing them and before you broke up is still in you.

7. Think of all your great qualities, especially ones that set you apart from the ex. Hold on to them. Remind yourself of them in your lowest moments.

8. TAKE YOUR EX OFF A PEDESTAL. It was a HUGE epiphany for me, so I can't stress it enough, hence the capital letters.

9. Don't hold in your feelings. It'll make you feel more lonely.

 

If you're not ready to think about finding someone better, don't. Don't let that stress you out. Right now, it's about you. Not about finding someone else at some point in a future that you can't predict. I'm sure you WILL find someone better, but you'll drive yourself crazy stressing out about it.

 

I know I'm going to be okay because I'm still here. I know myself. I have myself. It sucks, it hurts, it's incredibly painful almost daily, but I'll be okay.

 

I also read a book called "Love" by Leo Buscaliga. It was real big in the 70s so it's a bit outdated in some respects, but it's really good and stresses some very important thing about love in all varieties. I'd recommend it, if you're into that kind of thing.

[Ruby65]

Dude, I don't expect you to believe me, but that girl wasn't the Love of Your Life.

 

She was probably your first big significant relationship -- but you're going to have relationships that far surpass what you had with her.

 

Not to minimize what you're feeling and going through right now, but if at all possible it's really helpful to hold onto a bigger picture perspective.

 

You loved her, it didn't work out.

 

You WILL love again, and it'll be every bit as powerful and significant.

 

Moving forward, getting yourself back, working on improving yourself and your life... these will help you get to a place where you're ready to meet your future new way-better girlfriend.

 

Keep going, you're doing great.

[TunaCat]

Did it suck when he dumped me out of nowhere? Absolutely because it meant that he no longer loved me.

 

However, just because he no longer loved me doesn't mean that no one else will ever love me.

 

Just because it didn't work out with him, doesn't mean that it won't ever work out with anyone else. In fact, I truly believe that there is a better match for me out there.

 

The ex and I were very serious. We were talking marriage, moving in together, the whole enchilada. We loved each other when we were together.

 

You need to keep moving forward Jon. One foot in front of the other.

[BC1980]

There were many days when I felt that I didn't have the will to keep going. But I couldn't let him break me like that. After everything he did and said to me, I couldn't let him do me in for good. I couldn't let someone who was so awful to me be the reason I gave up.

[guest569]

"Because without them, I had the Will before." <--- This is a funny one. Because before her I didn't have the will. I was a depressed, unemployed, a delinquent, and a college dropout.

 

Well that says it all. You hated yourself before and hate yourself now. So really nothing has changed. She made you happy for a while, but she has also made you pretty damn miserable. And you clearly didn't need that. You don't need her. She is not the source of your misery, although she was perhaps the last straw. So what is the source? What will make you happy and proud?

 

I don't know, you just keep going. You set goals no matter how big or small and focus on those. What are some goals you would like to achieve? Do you want to finish school, get a job? From memory you have a job now? Please give this some serious thought.

 

I'm mainly still here because my family would be pretty annoyed and upset if I killed myself. I also went on medication when things got really out of hand. That saved my life. I am finishing school, I was a dropout too. I got a couple of promotions, a gorgeous cat and I enjoy my hobbies my own company.

[Satu]

What kept me going was my basic interest in life and in other people.

 

Other people are awesome.

[BC1980]

What kept me going was my basic interest in life and in other people.

 

Other people are awesome.

 

Yes! Other people are awesome. I totally agree. I didn't spend nearly enough time investing in my friendships and family members. Won't make that mistake again.

[Jonp219]

Well that says it all. You hated yourself before and hate yourself now. So really nothing has changed. She made you happy for a while, but she has also made you pretty damn miserable. And you clearly didn't need that. You don't need her. She is not the source of your misery, although she was perhaps the last straw. So what is the source? What will make you happy and proud?

 

I don't know, you just keep going. You set goals no matter how big or small and focus on those. What are some goals you would like to achieve? Do you want to finish school, get a job? From memory you have a job now? Please give this some serious thought.

 

I'm mainly still here because my family would be pretty annoyed and upset if I killed myself. I also went on medication when things got really out of hand. That saved my life. I am finishing school, I was a dropout too. I got a couple of promotions, a gorgeous cat and I enjoy my hobbies my own company.

 

Wow, that's so true

 

You know, that's something I've never been able to figure out. Why am I so unhappy all the time? I don't know, I really don't. No matter how many therapist I see, people I talk to, books I read I still keep falling back into this mode. It's almost as if nothing is life is ever enough for me. I'm graduating from college, I have a good GPA, I have a small loving family, but nothing really fulfills me. There's nothing in life that really makes me say, "I can't wait to go do that!" I also tend to never finish anything I start. Normally I say I'm going to do something, I start it, and then I put it back down. This is why I'm so selective when I date, because I already feel bad about myself so I don't someone else coming and making me feel worst. It's like a curse has been bestowed upon me.

[HowMightI-live]

Because theres something bigger out there for me, i can feel it, i just havent reached it yet. I believe that to be true with anyone going through a break up or anything for that matter; life is pulling you in another direction, so cry, grab a tissue, and then get moving.

[Jonp219]

What kept me going was my basic interest in life and in other people.

 

Other people are awesome.

 

I suppose I need to work on not being a misanthropic prick.

[NopeNah]

I suppose I need to work on not being a misanthropic prick.

 

Had to google that word ,but YES you should! That's where your focus needs to be...on yourself.