Weighing in the issues in my previous relationship

[Jonp219]

So lately I've been recapping my previous relationship and thinking about what went wrong. I came up with a list of issues that plagued our personalities and by the looks of it, it doesn't seem like it would of lasted any longer than it did.

 

Here's the list I came up with:

 

Me

-Took advantage of her kindness

-Scared of the fact that I was her first boyfriend.Made me paranoid because she was more inclined to leave or cheat (in my head).

-Never introduced her to my friends

-Didn't allow her to hang out with any guys

-Her slow/weak vocal communication skills frustrated me

-I wasn't much of a gift giver (like her). I was more affectionate it's the best way I can show my love.

-I didn't like being at her house her family was too conservative (We have more freedom in my families house).

-Sometimes I would yell and call her names when we fight (heat of the moment).

-She reminded me of her mom (extremely anti-social and emotionally abandoning).

 

Her

-Couldn't keep up with current event/social issue topics. Seemed like she only liked talking about pop culture.

-We could never travel anywhere outside of the country or really far from New York when we went on getaways. She was afraid of what her parents would say.

-When we argued about something small it seemed like she had a hard time letting it go (I had this issue too, I forgot to mention it).

- She started her first job in December, but other than that she has nothing else going for her.

-She never liked discussing her passions with me (for some reason).

-She was sweet but a doormat in my eyes (due to her relationship with her parents).

-Incredibly indecisive

-She couldn't cook for the life of her (This one is a joke, but in Dominican culture it's looked down upon when a girl can't cook).

 

Yes, so this is what I came up with during my days of recap.

 

The only good thing was we had the same goal in mind. Move-in together and get 2 dogs for our apartment (when we eventually buy one). Has anyone does anything like this before, and if so did it help you?

By the way, what do you think of my list? Does it scream ncompatibility?

[Jonp219]

Any thought?

[Mr Scorpio]

I wonder why you entered into a relationship with this woman in the first place. You didn't have many nice things to say about her. That isn't to say that you're a bad person. Rather, it just doesn't sound like she had qualities you are after (ability to discuss current events/being decisive/being autonomous from parents).

 

So, it seems to me that what went wrong with your relationship is you picked the wrong person.

[Jonp219]

I wonder why you entered into a relationship with this woman in the first place. You didn't have many nice things to say about her. That isn't to say that you're a bad person. Rather, it just doesn't sound like she had qualities you are after (ability to discuss current events/being decisive/being autonomous from parents).

 

So, it seems to me that what went wrong with your relationship is you picked the wrong person.

 

I'm trying to be objective here. This is just what went on most of the time and she's not the only one who's in the wrong. Clearly I am too. However, I appreciated her company, and she was very supportive of me. I did love her, but we were each others first, and because of that I think we weren't mature enough to be together. However, like I mentioned in the post, these are just OUR bad qualities, I never mentioned her good ones because that's not what the thread was intended to be directed towards.

[Jonp219]

I can also talk about the good stuff in our relationship but I don't think that's going to help me. These are just the issues we brought to our relationship, the stuff that would lead to arguments and annoyances.

[Bito]

It's good to try and think objectively when your thinking about relationships.

 

Most people don't. So +1

 

Sounds like you already know you were overly controlling. If someone is going to cheat then they're going to cheat. Nothing you can really do unfortunately.

 

Also at the end of the day relationships depend on compromise and full engagement from both parties. EVERYONE you will date will have things that bug you. Overlooking and even learning to love some of those "faults" can be benifitial.

 

I'm sure you'll be fine.

[Jonp219]

It's good to try and think objectively when your thinking about relationships.

 

Most people don't. So +1

 

Sounds like you already know you were overly controlling. If someone is going to cheat then they're going to cheat. Nothing you can really do unfortunately.

 

Also at the end of the day relationships depend on compromise and full engagement from both parties. EVERYONE you will date will have things that bug you. Overlooking and even learning to love some of those "faults" can be benifitial.

 

I'm sure you'll be fine.

 

Yeah I know, I was controlling. The whole cheating aspect I understand now you can't stop people from doing what they do. I somehow thought I knew what I was doing, boy was I stupid. Reason why 3 months after the break up I still haven't forgiven myself. I don't know if I will ever be able to do that. Anyway, we'll see. Thanks.

[Auspecial]

Yes, it all screams incompatibility.

 

If your main goal is to play house and get two dogs, I think there are some video games and apps that do that.

 

You don't respect this woman at all. Why would you waste her time, and your time by staying together and armchair analysing the demise after breaking up?

 

I'm sure there were some things that convinced you to stay for awhile, but you don't respect her. It would have become a disaster, for both parties.

[Jonp219]

Yes, it all screams incompatibility.

 

If your main goal is to play house and get two dogs, I think there are some video games and apps that do that.

 

You don't respect this woman at all. Why would you waste her time, and your time by staying together and armchair analysing the demise after breaking up?

 

I'm sure there were some things that convinced you to stay for awhile, but you don't respect her. It would have become a disaster, for both parties.

 

*sigh* Once again like I told the first responder these are the ISSUES.

You want me to list out the good things I would be more than happy to do so. It was better to list out the bad because my mind was trying to get the answers to what drove us apart when I first wrote this thread.

 

Like I said, ISSUES. This is not the whole picture.

[Auspecial]

*sigh* Once again like I told the first responder these are the ISSUES.

You want me to list out the good things I would be more than happy to do so. It was better to list out the bad because my mind was trying to get the answers to what drove us apart when I first wrote this thread.

 

Like I said, ISSUES. This is not the whole picture.

 

So, is your question about wondering if your points were valid as far as compatibility?

 

I know I haven't heard all the great stuff yet, but it does seem the things about her you didn't like is fairly long to support a r-ship of any real duration. Plus even on your "my bad " list, there are two that you also looped into fault with her (you were frustrated with her weak, slow communication, and you didn't go to her place much, but it was b/c of her fault, that her family was too conservative.)

 

I'm not knocking you at all. IJS.

 

Maybe it shows that you have tenacity that you hung in there so long with this many faults on both sides.

 

The bottom line is I feel like its good that you are reflecting on this and chalk it up to a new relationships, both people are learning (we all are, even us experienced peepahs!!)

 

Maybe look at your list and put number of importance on each one. Then in the future, be sure to avoid women the top five least-desirable traits. As in, conservative parents you can live with, but can't live with having to wait for her to decide what to say. (For Example....)

 

 

[Jonp219]

So, is your question about wondering if your points were valid as far as compatibility?

 

I know I haven't heard all the great stuff yet, but it does seem the things about her you didn't like is fairly long to support a r-ship of any real duration. Plus even on your "my bad " list, there are two that you also looped into fault with her (you were frustrated with her weak, slow communication, and you didn't go to her place much, but it was b/c of her fault, that her family was too conservative.)

 

I'm not knocking you at all. IJS.

 

Maybe it shows that you have tenacity that you hung in there so long with this many faults on both sides.

 

The bottom line is I feel like its good that you are reflecting on this and chalk it up to a new relationships, both people are learning (we all are, even us experienced peepahs!!)

 

Maybe look at your list and put number of importance on each one. Then in the future, be sure to avoid women the top five least-desirable traits. As in, conservative parents you can live with, but can't live with having to wait for her to decide what to say. (For Example....)

 

 

 

I don't even know why I got mad, I'm sorry.

 

It's all my fault either way. I don't know if I'm being melodramatic, I don't know if I made all of this up to make myself feel better, I don't know.

 

Even my therapist told me it's OK to blame her for everything as it will help me cope, but it hasn't. Because deep down I feel like I'm living a lie. I feel like a monumental failure at the end of it all.

[jphcbpa]

Not compatible. This is why you date so these can surface.

 

Also just keep focused on your list about you and add more to it as thoughts come up. This will help you work on you for your next partner.

[Auspecial]

I don't think its being melodramatic at all. Its perfectly normal, especially since you did have feelings for each other. Its normal to feel attached to people we care about and then feel out of sorts when it doesn't work out and we have to do a "forced" detachment for the good of both people.

 

I'm not a counselor, but advice like that would not have worked for me, even if it was my first r-ship. I don't see the sense in completely slamming another person and making something entirely their fault. We are all dynamic human beings. I say, call a spade a spade.

 

To me, the way you are handling it makes sense, you are putting structure to all the ideas floating around and hopefully figuring out what your deal breakers are, aside from the usual things like not abusive, doesn't smoke, whatever....And you are being accountable for things you may like to change about yourself in a future r-ship with someone else who doesn't have the same deal breakers that your recent one had.

[na49]

Even my therapist told me it's OK to blame her for everything as it will help me cope, but it hasn't.

 

Your therapist really told you that? I think that's very silly. You should definitely be taking responsibility for at least 50% of your failed relationship. You blame yourself a lot for this, and I think you should work on it instead of pretending that it's all her fault. You honestly would be living a lie if you believed that.

 

I agree that there are a lot of things that you didn't like about this girl, but you put up with them anyway. People "put up" with things, but if she liked pop culture, and you liked current events, or her parents were too conservative, those weren't going to change. That's when you chalk it up as incompatibility.

[Jonp219]

Your therapist really told you that? I think that's very silly. You should definitely be taking responsibility for at least 50% of your failed relationship. You blame yourself a lot for this, and I think you should work on it instead of pretending that it's all her fault. You honestly would be living a lie if you believed that.

 

I agree that there are a lot of things that you didn't like about this girl, but you put up with them anyway. People "put up" with things, but if she liked pop culture, and you liked current events, or her parents were too conservative, those weren't going to change. That's when you chalk it up as incompatibility.

 

Conversations just didn't flow well. It's really not about her being into different things than me, because I could talk about pop culture too (and I really don't mind), but vocally she wasn't every communicative. Its like we had to work hard to have an in depth conversation. She just wasn't passionate about many things, there's nothing she would talk about that would make her light up, you know? Its like when you talk to a friend or a family member about a specific topic, you KNOW exactly what really matters to them. I couldn't tell a general topic from an important one when talking to her. She was missing...purpose.

Not that I'm any better lol. Difference with me is there are so many things I want to do that I get discourage about only being able to pick one.

And I'm not trying to knock her, I think she knows it too.

 

Our relationship was 95% sex and body language 5% verbal communication.

 

I remember shortly after breaking up she wrote on her Twitter that she needed to find a "guiding principle" in her life and to find who she is.

Edited May 20, 2015 by Jonp219