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Litmus test...


SheleftmeforMichael

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SheleftmeforMichael

I haven't viewed and posted on this forum in awhile. So I thought i'd check in and give a story of success to those who are still coping/trying to get over a recent or long breakup.

 

My backstory is that my ex, Jenn, who I had been with for 3 years had broken up with me a week before this past Christmas (which destroyed me at the time). During this time or maybe before the breakup (i'm not quite sure), she had lined someone up (coworker/friend who was giving her emotional and physical support/Michael) and began a new relationship/fling with him while she still lived with me post breakup (she moved out in March) within a few days. She never came clean about this with me. I had to find out the truth on my own. It was painful and not really the closure I was seeking/expecting.

 

In the beginning of this year, I was really hurt. I was lost. And to a degree, I even became obsessed on finding the truth on their relationship and what they were doing. It was a time and place in my life which I was not very proud of and care not to ever return to again. I tried NC, and broke it several times as I still had hope I could fix/reconcile with her. It all ended in me pushing her further away and losing dignity and respect in her and my eyes and coming across as a very "needy" person. My heart was still running/in control of my body and not my mind.

 

But there did come a point after she moved out that I just grew tired of lamenting over the loss. I had to take a good look at myself and ask myself if it was really worth my time and energy in hoping she'd come back. Was it really worth it in trying to play in to her wishes and be her friend like she wanted while she continued on with this other guy and make me feel like a doormat. The answer was a resounding "NO!" So this time around, I really wanted to get over this. I wanted to get better, I wanted to improve and focus my time on myself and my life rather than what she was doing with hers. This is when I really committed to strict NC. I really wanted this. I believed that in order for me to get through this and if I even wanted to remain friends with her, the feelings within my heart needed to die/be expelled. I needed to have my mind be in control of things and not my heart. You can't be friends with an ex if you still have romantic feelings for them. It took time and i found being alone was more difficult than I thought it would be. I kept myself busy, explored new places, surrounded myself with close friends to keep my good mood stable and reconnected with friends that I had lost in the past, picked up new hobbies and rediscovered the things that I liked allot that I had put aside because my ex just didn't share the same taste for them as I did. I even did therapy. I did it all alone. There was real strength to be found in rebuilding myself back up again. I'm still rebuilding even now. From this strength and time of healing came the acceptance, the mentality that she's not coming back and even if she did, I would not entertain any second chances until I was improved better person and ready...and being okay with that. I was very bitter at the time that she jumped into a new relationship so fast to help her get over our failed relationship while I was left alone to figure how to pickup the pieces. She had a support structure already in place while I was just left blindsided...but you know what? I'm glad it turned out this way now because it really proved to me that I could move forward and do this...on my own. There was allot of strength to be found from that.

 

This past weekend, I broke NC and met with my ex. I had to as I owed her money and I'm a Lannister when it comes to paying debts. Our meeting was civil and friendly and strange at the same time. We had fun and even shared some laughs. She even noticed that I wasn't as "emotionally charged" compared to our last meeting. I looked at her very carefully and realized that while I do care for her as a person and have love for her, I no longer loved her as I once did. The person I did truly love was long gone. This person I chose to spend time with was a different person now. Her telling me that she didn't even really think of me or the past we shared as she had been focusing more on recent problems going on in her life also solidified that thought in my head...and I was okay with that. I didn't even flinch or get hurt about it. It would bother me so much when we still lived together post breakup and we'd spend time together and she's openly text "that other guy" in front of me or hide her phone if I got to close. It wasn't much of a surprise to me that she still did that now when I spent time with her...but I was okay with that. We spent our time "catching up", sharing stories and trading pictures. I even gave her my phone while sharing pictures and she tried to backtrack through my photo album. I think she was hoping to see if I had taken any photos with another girl to confirm if I was truly dating again. I found it highly amusing as she was still selective as to what she would show me from her phone (no trust)...and it didn't bother me at all. I asked her if she and Michael were "official" and in a confirmed relationship now. She didn't admit to it just like before which made me chuckle inside. I remember when I did ask her that in the beginning of the year and I knew the truth that it would drive me up the wall when she wouldn't admit it. Now...not so much. I just moved on to the next topic. It was interesting to me that her life had taken a turn for the worse to be a bit more drama filled because of her own doing while mine had become more stable without her. I felt sad for her, but not for myself this time around.

 

There definitely was an underlying feeling of indifference in our meeting and I was really pleased with that. I was pleased that I'd reached that point. Again...I will say that I do still care about her as a person, but it was nice to be able to confirm as I looked at her more closely, studied her face and body and listened to what she had to say that this Jenn was not the person for me...and I was finally okay with that.

 

I hope my story imparts hope to those that read it that with time and correct procedure taken seriously (aka NC), we all can heal, get better and improve. We all can overcome the slump we had to go through when the breakup was so fresh. We have to...but the change starts when we really want to get better / when we really want to commit to it. We may have friends, family to support us during this tough time of breakup, but I believe that in the end we have to choose to pick ourselves up and rebuild...and do it alone. No one else is gonna do it for us. It has made me stronger when I did it this way. Of course, there is gonna be times where we slip and fall during this process and find ourselves back at square one. I'm guilty of falling back into the slumps just as any other trying recover, but I kept going forward and I hope you all will find your way and will be able to do the same.

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Thanks for sharing man! Your story is a pretty quick turn-around but contains hope for others. Be blessed.

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