Tough situtation!

[Dave83]

Hi, Really looking for some help and advice please. I'll try to keep it as short as possible!

 

Met my ex about 11 1/2 years ago. She had a son who is now 13. Since we got together I have always raised our son as my own, and to this day he believes I am his biological father. We knew the truth would come out at some point, however the older he got the harder it was to tell him.

 

Around 4 weeks ago we had a petty argument. She said she wasnt happy, needed space to clear her head and packed her and our sons clothes to stay at her mothers. Due to the timing, out sons birthday was in a few days time, so I contacted her a few times, saying I understood she needed space, but we need to sort a few things out such as his birthday arrangements. She ignored me for a few days, but in the end said I could see him and take him out.

 

Also the timing was that a week after this happened, we was supposed to be going on a surprise holiday, all paid for by her dad as a surprise for he mother. In my head I knew that I wasnt going, but on my sons birthday, he broke down and told me his birthday wish was that I was still coming on holiday so we could do the fishing trip we had planned. Not wanting to let him down, I looked into booking separate flights and other accommodation so I could make his wish come true. In the end, I ended up flying out with her family and my ex, but did stay elsewhere.

 

The day prior to the fishing trip, she apparently came down to see me, but as I was laying outside listening to music, I didnt hear her call me and apparently she ran back to her apartment in tears because she thought I was ignoring her. We did have a chat a little later and we both agreed that recently we had been stuck in a rut and this is something we were both unhappy about.

 

Anyway, we did the fishing trip and the very next day I flew home alone.

 

Since then we have had a small amount of contact. We both agreed where things had gone wrong, but she still said she needed space. For the past week I havent been in contact with her. It seems to make the process of getting over her a bit easier. That was up until Thursday.

 

It was our sons parents evening, and he asked her if I could come along and she said no. The very next day she put me on the "no contact list" so the school wouldnt even talk to me. Her mum spoke to her about this and apparently she got very upset and emotional and said she did it because I was ignoring her.

 

During all this, I have been spending a lot of time with my son. He finds it easy to open up and talk to me about how he is feeling. When I tried to talk to my ex prior to NC, I tried to advise her how hard he is taking this but she said "Nothing to worry about, hes absolutely fine".

 

He stayed with me Friday, Saturday and Sunday and I dropped him off at a friends on Monday. She spoke to him at 1800hrs on Friday and then had no contact with him until 1000hrs on Sunday when he had to pop in where she is staying to get a couple of bits. This is totally out of character. On Monday he left her a note explaining how he is feeling, as he said he couldnt face doing it face to face. After she read the note, she got in touch me with saying "I dont understand why he thinks im stressed, everyone has commented on how happier I am and I certainly feel happier. If he wants to spend more time with you at home, then it can start tonight" So she has basically booted him out. Since then she hasnt contacted him to speak to him about how this is affecting him or anything. He is taking this really really hard at the moment.

 

Shes like a completely different person, someone ive never met or seen before. How can any mother push their son away from them when they tell them how upset they are?

 

Any advice greatly appreciated.

[sandylee1]

Could she be having an affair?

Prior to the argument were there any other issues with the two of you?

 

Are you married? If not, is this her not wanting to? Sometimes women get upset when long term relationships don't result in marriage. Has she ever indicated wanting to get married?

 

I think the most important thing here is your son. He needs to be told the truth before he inadvertently hears it from someone else.

 

Her actions are damaging to 'your' son and if she ultimately wants to break up, then perhaps the two of you could have a mutual arrangement about visitation. The problem is that you actually have no legal right to see him. If she just decides to cut you off completely, there's nothing you can do, but or may well be worth seeking legal advice.

 

If you do speak with her and she refuses to tell him that you're not his biological father, I think you have to consider the damage it will cause the longer you leave it.

[Ruby65]

Okay, you can take this the wrong way but I have to say it anyway.

 

You're PUSHING too much about the boy.

 

Look, obviously you love him as if he's your own. But he's NOT your biological or adopted child and you don't have a legal right to see him.

 

You have an EMOTIONAL and moral right to see him.... and I believe in time your ex is going to respect that. But if you come right out of the gate calling him "my son" and pushing for lots of visitation and making demands.... it's going to have the opposite effect.

 

You have two issues you're dealing with, I suggest you recognize the differences and act accordingly.

 

One -- you want to get back together with your ex. This is a romantic concern.

 

Two -- you want to preserve your relationship with the boy you've raised and consider to be your own. YES, it's best for you and the boy to preserve this relationship, no matter what happens between you and his mom.

 

I'm just saying.... please DON'T make the mistake of using your moral rights to see this child as an excuse to push yourself into the family unit. To in essence shove yourself down your ex's throat because you're coming from the moral high ground of what's best for her son.

 

What matters most here? Your relationship with her son.

 

What's the best case scenario for you? Reconciliation.

 

In my opinion, this is a catch-more-flies-with-honey situation. Walk away, give her space to miss you. Stop pushing your way into her life and her son's life. Let them both experience YOUR ABSENCE.

 

Just my two cents.

[Dave83]

Thanks for your reply, however I do have to disagree with most of it.

 

He may not biologically be my son, but for all other purposes he is my son. Both me and the ex have always called him my son and she still does to this day. Ive been in his life for over 11 years and raised him as my own.

 

At the moment the only way for me to cope is to get into my head its over. Im not trying to get back into the family unit, im just looking out for my son during this difficult period.

 

At the moment, the ex has walked out of the house, left me, left her dog and is now pushing her son away. I can get my head around her not wanting to see or speak to me, but doing the same to your own son just baffles me.

 

He wants to be with me because in his words "shes like a different mum".

[mammasita]

Agree with Sandylee.....are you married? after 11+ years why not?

[Ruby65]

Seriously, I'm a mom and I'm telling you -- right now, your best move is to back off, give this some space and DON'T try to push for parental rights.

 

I believe you'll get those rights, but if you insist on combining your romantic breakup with your rights to see her son, you're putting yourself in a losing position. It's only going to make her angrier and more resistant.

 

Of course HE wants you in his life -- why wouldn't he? But if you make an issue of this to her, she's going to become more defensive, more rigid, and more likely to walk away and keep you from him for good.

 

Anyhow, best of luck to you! I hope it works out.

[Dave83]

Sorry, but I think things are getting confused here.

 

Im not pushing for parental rights. Due to the situation a court wouldnt grant PR's anyway as were no longer together.

 

 

As for the romantic breakup- In my mind its over and im not pushing that, in fact, ive been NC for 8 days. Personally I think shes having an affair and seeing if the grass is greener.

 

My son said to his mum that he wanted to spend more time with me. Her reaction was to tell him to come and live with me then, which he did. Im happy about that, hes happy about that, I just cant work out why a mother would cut him out of her life though.

 

As for marriage, we were engaged. Due to get married this year however we spoke last year and both decided to postpone the wedding and use the money we had saved to get a new bathroom and kitchen.