When does it stop hurting?

[TrevorDia]

The short version of my story is that about 3 and a half years ago I met a silver-tongued demon who knew exactly what to say to use my dignity as a doormat to get off any shreds of my manhood that was stuck to her boot.

 

We started off as just friends, and for me, that's all I wanted - she was far away and I just liked having someone to talk to when I was bored. Falling in love with her was never part of the plan. In truth, we were only formally "dating" for about 6 months, and we ended things about 2 years ago - after some cheating, some arguments, some white lies, and the realisation that the long distance just wouldn't work out. It was her that ended it - I mean, I also wanted to end things, but I didn't want to lose her. So I posted on here a few years ago about what I should do next. The advice was unanimously "GO NON-CONTACT". I did NOT do that - I went the "let's stay friends route". We were friends with benefits for a while, but after the dust settled, we both started going out with other people, but we still stayed friends and talked every day, and I was still very much in love with her. It absolutely crushed me every time she told me she'd slept with a guy (I think she used to tell me just to see what kind of reaction she'd get). I always used to react in a very bitter way - and it wasn't indicative of my feelings at all - she was only just 19 and she was sleeping with 2 or 3 guys a week. It broke my heart. But she had a hold of me and I couldn't get rid of the feeling that I needed her... every time I thought of just deleting her number and blocking her from social media, she knew just what to say to get me to stay.

 

Anyway, for the next 2 years, we both stayed platonic friends (mostly... there were a few hookups, but very few and far between). I thought that I didn't need to go non-contact - I thought eventually my love would stop - but even through my subsequent relationships, I've not been able to shake the feeling that I still wanted to be with her. I've only just got out of a relationship (2 month relationship, not much), and she's not sleeping around as much anymore. Don't get me wrong, her 'number' right now is in the triple-digits and the number at the front isn't a "1", but she's dating someone now - and I hate it.

 

I made the executive decision that it was time to put things to an end. I deleted her number, and every shred of existence of her from my computer, social media, phone. But that girl... she's not just any ex to me, she's the only girl I've ever felt "in love" with - if that ever makes sense. And that feeling hasn't changed since the day I first felt it. The difference is, when I first felt it, it made me feel euphoric. But now it's just a daily reminder of my own foolishness. And this is going to sound as cliche as it gets, but I've been afraid to love anyone since she broke up with me. Of course, I'd tell her that, but I wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing she destroyed me. I simply told her we couldn't be friends anymore and she didn't exactly put up a fight.

 

I'm not looking for any particular advice here. I know I've just got to keep pushing through it and hopefully something will grow from this. But it doesn't stop it sucking now. I keep thinking how I know she's with him right now, wondering how she could so callously throw me to one side just to be picked up whenever she wants something, wondering if she ever thinks about me, wondering what I could have done differently, hating her for making me feel something I never wanted to feel in the first place, then for using it against me to turn me into... this. For all my qualifications, I very much doubt my ability to just keep away from her...

 

Anyway, if you've read all this - kudos. I think it was just cathartic to get what was on my mind out of my mind (if that makes sense) and into text.

[Mr Scorpio]

So I posted on here a few years ago about what I should do next. The advice was unanimously "GO NON-CONTACT". I did NOT do that - I went the "let's stay friends route".

 

This is your problem. Stay strong. Stay away.

[Itspointless]

she's not just any ex to me, she's the only girl I've ever felt "in love" with - if that ever makes sense. And that feeling hasn't changed since the day I first felt it. The difference is, when I first felt it, it made me feel euphoric. But now it's just a daily reminder of my own foolishness.

Oh yes, she is the only one you really felt it with. I know that feeling When does it stop hurting? When they do not have a hold on our everyday lives, hopes, dreams and memories any-more. Yes, take can take a very long time and unfortunately it seems you only have just begun on that journey.

 

Not that it is of importance here, but the fact that she is sleeping with that many people also does say a lot about her.

 

Like Mr Scorpio said: Stay strong. Stay away.