Will I ever trust again ?

[SLee]

I've posted a lot here recently, and I'm genuinely grateful to everyone for all their help. It's brought me so much sanity and clarity.

 

Here's the full (long) story, if it helps: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/524909-3-5-later

 

I'm posting here because I've accepted that my relationship is over. Even though I'm still in love with him, I'm in no position after all this fresh hurt to dive into anything with him or anyone else at the moment.

 

I'm on the right track with my thinking. I'm working on me and all the things I have to do to improve myself and my life. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but I can't help it, I'm worried about the future.

 

My ex told me all these things, such as:

-"I'll never leave you."

-"I want to marry you."

-"I'll always be here."

-"I want to build a life with you."

 

And the like.

 

I know he meant them when he said that, and now, after 3.5 years, he's throwing it all away. Now I'm scared that I'll never be able to trust anyone in the future when they say the same things. Do promises mean anything? Does loyalty mean nothing? I'm just confused and scared.

 

Has anyone been through something similar? Is anyone currently going through this and can relate?

 

Like I said, I'm not going to get into anything with anyone, casual or otherwise, anytime soon. I'm in no place. But I'm a worrier, and all this hurt that my ex has put me through is just so fresh and deep, I can't help but feel like I'll never be able to trust anyone again. And I don't want to turn into someone I'm not over it.

 

Any help, kind words, hash words, perspective, advice, etc. is very much appreciated.

[Twigyy]

I don't think you trusting people is something to worry about for now. I think all you need to do is to focus on healing and that's it. One day another person will come into your life and you'll be okay. Haven't gotten there yet but I feel that it will be like that.

[Mr Carson]

SLee

 

I'm sorry you are going through this I know it's hard. As a older man I can tell you men say a lot of things they don't really mean especially younger men. They don't always think long term the way women do, they say what they think you want to hear. Maybe there kind of sincere but in the back of their mind they know it's not for real. This has nothing to do with you or flaws you think you may have, it's about immaturity and selfishness. Time is the best healer and I know for certain that you can find someone you can trust and love and it will be reciprocated...just don't try to find it Saturday night at the bar.

[Popsicle]

You will trust if you let yourself trust. Don't sell you life short by miserably mistrusting.

[ballycastle]

SLee

 

I'm sorry you are going through this I know it's hard. As a older man I can tell you men say a lot of things they don't really mean especially younger men. They don't always think long term the way women do, they say what they think you want to hear. Maybe there kind of sincere but in the back of their mind they know it's not for real. This has nothing to do with you or flaws you think you may have, it's about immaturity and selfishness. Time is the best healer and I know for certain that you can find someone you can trust and love and it will be reciprocated...just don't try to find it Saturday night at the bar.

 

Dear Mr Carson thanks for your honesty on this matter from a male perspective. I am exactly the same position as the poster only difference my was in his 50's so you would think maturity was on his side. Clearly not. I am a year later not ready to trust any one intimately I have a long way to go, but glad to understand why someone would say things they don't mean esp something as serious as love.

 

Going forward perhaps listen to what people say, they give you clues we tend to ignore. Mine repeatedly told me of his terrible string of failed relationships, how his own mother told him he was 'rotten to the core' and how he laughed about when younger mercilessly dumping women. I thought with him being so lovely and caring that I would be different. Not so. I have learned my lesson. I have also embarked on hypnotherapy to rid myself of negative image and self esteem. I am no where near better but hopefully in time will trust again.

[SLee]

Twigyy, I definitely agree with you. It's still worrying though. It's going to take a lot of healing and time, I know. But I'm just worried, even if I am just getting ahead of myself in my own emotional state.

[SLee]

Mr. Carson, thank you for replying!

 

I mean, I think he meant it when he said it but we're both pretty young still (Early twenties) and were each other's first love and first everything. I think he maybe meant it, or thought he meant it when he said it. Or maybe he was just saying things, I don't know. It just sucks, because I don't know what those mean anymore. Did they mean anything? If so, how can he just toss it away on practically a whim? Is it worse if he meant it? Is it worse if he didn't mean it? How does this apply to the future, whatever outcome?

 

So many questions that I may never get answers too. The uncertainty is awful.

[SLee]

Popsicle, that's my fear. I want to be able to trust, desperately so. I just don't know when I'll know I'm ready or able to after all this hurt and scorn. How can I put faith into any promise? I guess "Trust" means keeping the faith, without knowing the future, but I don't know if or when I'll be able to. I don't want to be miserable and completely cynical, but I just don't know.

[SLee]

ballycastle, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. That sounds just dreadful.

 

I see what you mean about looking for signs. Mine was harder as he had never been in a relationship before me of any kind, so I had literally no idea. But maybe there were signs, specifically in how he handled fights. Looking back I could tell how he was super flighty emotionally. Someone like that isn't someone who should be making such huge promises unless they're grounded in themselves. So there is something to learn there. That's a valuable insight that I haven't thought of before, so thank you.

 

And as Mr. Carson, I have no intention to look for love in a bar, as he says! haha. I'm solid enough in myself where I know what I want out of my life and in a partner, so there's an advantage there. I'm in no position in my healing to look for anything with anyone right. No desire or intention!

[Mr Carson]

The good news is your young and you have time. Please please please don't give up on love and trust.

 

When I was in my twenties I had a love break my heart also, I thought I would never recover. Months went by and I was still a mess, but a pretty face came along and suddenly the pain began to diminish and I was on to the next.

 

Just don't ever forget there is no happy ever after. I know this sounds bad but that's not to say you can't find love and happiness. It just takes lots of work and there will positively be ups and downs you just have to work hard at it. And even if it fails you have to keep trying, life gives us lots of chances we just have to have the courage to keep swinging.

 

You are a good person some guy will be lucky to have you for a wife.

[erklat]

The pain of unrealized expectations is the worst.

 

Instead of learning to trust again I learned myself not to give a damn.

My nonchalance is so strong that I can't be provoked.

[SLee]

Mr. Carson, thanks so much for replying. You're very kind. I truly hope you're right. For right now, as I've said lol, I can't imagine being with anyone else, but I'm still caught in a heartbreak fog. He and I are so compatible and want the same things out of life. Part of why this break up makes no sense to me. But there's nothing I can do about it now. I think the pain will diminish over time, but it will take a long time. We shared our entire lives together, knew each other inside and out and everything. Sharing that again with someone at the risk of losing everything again sounds like emotional torture to me right now.

 

I definitely don't want to give up and love for whatever outcome. As I said, I know what I want and am a lot more sure of myself than I was when I was 18-20. It doesn't sound bad AT ALL and I've never expected fairy tale endings. There will always be hard times, and times when you're not completely "feeling the love", so to speak due to a lot of factors, and I tried explaining that to the ex logically (no begging or pleading). I told him that no matter who he's with, there will be times where that does happen and you can't just bail as soon as it gets hard, which is what he's doing now.

 

I want to always keep trying no matter who I'm with. I'm not a quitter at all. I don't give up easily on thing, almost to a fault sometimes. But, as you said, that requires courage, and as for right now, I don't know if I have that strength.

 

Your last sentences are so kind. Thank you! I will definitely take that to heart.

[SLee]

erklat, that is definitely some good advice. That expectation of mutual trust and loyalty was something I trusted completely and wholeheartedly. And then it shattered. It's an awful feeling.

 

I'm trying to tell myself not to care as best I can, even if I have to "Fake it until I make it", as they say! Thank you for your advice!

[Popsicle]

Popsicle, that's my fear. I want to be able to trust, desperately so. I just don't know when I'll know I'm ready or able to after all this hurt and scorn. How can I put faith into any promise? I guess "Trust" means keeping the faith, without knowing the future, but I don't know if or when I'll be able to. I don't want to be miserable and completely cynical, but I just don't know.

 

There is no benefit to being untrusting, miserable and cynical.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

There is no benefit to being untrusting, miserable and cynical.

 

The benefit is securing your current state of mind. This is why people who are guarded do not seem to be bothered by anything. This only seems to happen to people that have been kicked to the ground too many times and put up these boundaries so they don't fall any deeper into a dark place.

 

It's healthy directly after a traumatic event, like a breakup.

[SLee]

For now, I want to protect myself from the hurt, so being guarded works at the moment. But that's a dangerous track for someone like me who, in the past, has had trouble opening up to people.

 

I'm just worried for myself. I want to be a more transparent person. I'm just scared after all this hurt and emotional trauma I won't be able to open up again to a partner or close friend as well or at all out of fear.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

For now, I want to protect myself from the hurt, so being guarded works at the moment. But that's a dangerous track for someone like me who, in the past, has had trouble opening up to people.

 

I'm just worried for myself. I want to be a more transparent person. I'm just scared after all this hurt and emotional trauma I won't be able to open up again to a partner or close friend as well or at all out of fear.

 

 

You will always have some sort of guard up. It's your defense mechanism, human nature. You'll be more guarded immediately after the breakup (right now) but eventually some of those walls will start coming down. Your heart will retain defenses that reflect your past heart aches and experiences.

 

I wouldn't worry about this, honestly, it's natural. You've opened up here about your fear of losing the ability to trust to complete strangers. That in itself shows you retain the capability to open up to people.

[Loveless86]

I had exactly the same off my girlfriend " i love you"

" i need you in my life " " im going to marry you " " ill never leave you" we even discussed our future childrens names.

 

Then she decided it wasnt working and is now in another relationship 3 weeks after we split ( she apparently met him the night we split ). I dont think i could believe someone who says those things again, how could i.