Feeling pathetic

[Van Norden]

Okay, no need to bump my other threads, since I think it deserves an honorable mention apart from the "how am I coping today?", since it seems like it's a general feeling now that doesn't depend on the day.

 

Truth is, I've crossed the 4 month mark since BU. My relationship didn't even last 6 months. In a month I'll be knowing that girl for one exact year. And still I am feeling at day ****ing one.

 

Done all that I needed to do. Remained NC. Worked out heavily. Gained weight. Visited new places. Met new people. Made out with different women. Tried different hobbies. Done meditation. Composed music. Recorded music. Studied hard for my exams - some passed, some failed. Went to therapy. Done the homework. Became a nicer self to my work mates and gym fellas...

 

... and still I'm at day ****ing one, missing her voluptuous curves behind my back while she sleeps and feeling bitter and corrosive to my relatives out of contempt for the unfair situation I'm living.

 

Could it be that luck is just an illusion? Am I wrong when I say that anything that doesn't involve her coming back would be conforming? Or are those just word games? Am I just too stubborn to even consider being "compassionate" to myself?

 

As I'm writing this I think I've "ran out of hopes" of her coming back after these 4 months in which she seems to have been doing so well that she hasn't even given me breadcrumbs. I've known different women, but they all lack of something. Even when I'm able to see an A+ looking one I still take into account she's so out of reach, and whereas mine wasn't perfect, at least she was "mine"...

 

... still, at the same time, the only thing that keeps me breathing is that tiny last piece of hope that unconsciously stands, that in fact I'm wrong when I think I wasn't enough for her, that it was just not the time nor the place. That she'll eventually realize, in some months or years, "how perfect I was" as she used to claim. Without that last one bit to cling with I feel so depressed and without strength to carry on.

 

Am I missing something? Am I really that strange to consider I'm immune to NC and I'm just not built to love? I've followed some updates on several users who have moved on in different ways, that seem to do fairly well and with a good attitude - even when their BU took place at the same time as mine. Still I am stuck at the first day, without even considering peeking at a picture of her without the sense of dread and stomachache of the very first day. How much more will it last? I'm fairly disappointed at my progress.

[ManyDissapoint]

1. Actually no reason to feel down because your ex was a vapid tart.

 

2. You are a cerebral biped, with a lot more going for you than she ever will.

 

3. I thought I'd never get a breadcrumb and I did and guess what--it's a tiny ego boost for another ride around the rollercoaster--even trade IMO.

 

4. Have faith in lethe. What goes up, must come down. What goes down must come around. Everything settles at the zero point. Your brain chemistry will accommodate your circumstances. It needs time.

 

5. My ex also made me feel like a loser -- mostly because I'm quite sure she left me for greener($) pastures and insulted my intelligence with a hundred smoke screens. You will see the forest for the trees in time my friend.

 

6. You possess a lot of acumen, and a visceral intake towards life's experiences. That's very rare and honestly it's tough titty if your ex couldn't appreciate that. She's not the only one with breasts.

 

EDIT: By the way my breakup was early November. I just found the courage to toss out her photos and block her on FB. Mostly because I was avoiding seeing them even for a moment--fearing that same sense of dread. Now she's blocked and every trace of her is gone.

Edited April 22, 2015 by ManyDissapoint

[fireflywy]

more time.

 

Look into Neuro linguistic programming. Check out the book "NLP: The Essential Guide to Neuro Linguistic Programming" by Tom Hoobyar and try and discover why you're stuck.

[Van Norden]

1. Actually no reason to feel down because your ex was a vapid tart.

 

2. You are a cerebral biped, with a lot more going for you than she ever will.

 

3. I thought I'd never get a breadcrumb and I did and guess what--it's a tiny ego boost for another ride around the rollercoaster--even trade IMO.

 

4. Have faith in lethe. What goes up, must come down. What goes down must come around. Everything settles at the zero point. Your brain chemistry will accommodate your circumstances. It needs time.

 

5. My ex also made me feel like a loser -- mostly because I'm quite sure she left me for greener($) pastures and insulted my intelligence with a hundred smoke screens. You will see the forest for the trees in time my friend.

 

6. You possess a lot of acumen, and a visceral intake towards life's experiences. That's very rare and honestly it's tough titty if your ex couldn't appreciate that. She's not the only one with breasts.

 

EDIT: By the way my breakup was early November. I just found the courage to toss out her photos and block her on FB. Mostly because I was avoiding seeing them even for a moment--fearing that same sense of dread. Now she's blocked and every trace of her is gone.

1. Hahahaha, have to recognize I laughed out loud at this. I don't know how can you make such statements without even knowing her, but kudos for your uplifting words anyway!

 

2. Not sure if I'm getting what you mean. Anyway, I'm not so sure I'll do better than she will - I refrain to my "coping with gender inequality" thread.

 

3. Well, at least it shows you meant something to her. How much did you wait for it? I don't even hope for anything after 4 months (well, if my birthday greeting was a breadcrumb, then it's been only 1, but I also greeted her after the BU - yeah, I know... -, so no big deal).

 

4. That's what I'm dreading. Accomodation. I just want more and more, I don't want a B side of what I had. I want the same, or better. And I'm too stubborn to even consider there are better options.

 

5. Man, you're not a loser.

 

6. Thanks for the compliment! Shall I infer you take it from my previous posts or only for this thread? I'm not sure, once again, that my outlook towards life can be positive at all with interpersonal relationships, though. As for breasts, well, there are more, but not that large. Seriously, I'm literally obsessed with that rack. She was the one, indeed.

 

Firefly, thanks for the recommendation! Will look up for it, but once again, I hope it doesn't have to do with "approaching things a different way". That's all I get from therapists, and I'm not buying it. I mean, I need results. I've been doing my homework without noticing any improvement! Hope it's only time and not a matter of obsession - since I cannot let her go off my mind, sincerely.

[embeu]

I feel your pain Van Norden. Me and my ex were together for just about 6 months as well, she ended it late november last year. I was very much in love with her, almost to the point of too much in love. I invested too much of myself in the relationship and it never crossed my mind that it would not hold. When she broke it off it was like a freight train hitting me dead on.

I was not as disciplined as you and I broke NC 3-4 times sending her emails (ofc nothing bad), got nothing back. Not even a "leave me alone" (which would be better than nothing at all). She gave me NO breadcrumbs, not even a "how are you" the first few days after dumping me. I felt disposable, like a used tampon or even something worse.

 

I still miss her, and even more I miss what we had together. I miss the sex and i miss being part of a duo. I dont fall in love easy so that makes it even more complicated for me because i know it will take me a long time to fall for someone else again.

 

I had absolutley NO PROGRESS for the first 4 months. I still miss her and a part of me still loves her, but in the last 3-4 weeks I have come to realize that the feelings she had for me (if she ever had them) is non existant. This is hard for me to swollow because i was always good to her and we had great chemistry. It kind of feels unfair.

 

What made the 4 month mark a turningpoint for me is because that was when i blocked her on facebook. Every time i logged in to facebook i hoped that she had sent me a message to apologize for behaving so cold, but it never came. So i extinguished the hope myself, I blocked her. It feels so good logging on to facebook not hoping the little red light is a message from her. It feels so good to not have to see her photo everytime I search for something that starts with the first letter in her name (which for a strange reason always showed her profile at the very top of the list). The only place I cant block her is from my email account. For some reason it is not possible to block people there, but I have to accept the things I can not change, and maybe one day there will be an email from her in my inbox but i will not wait for that to happen.

 

I still think about her daily, but i dont have "bad days" like i had just 3 weeks ago. Sometimes I have a couple of hours feeling low, but they pass. What i miss the most about her is the sex and her great body. The sex is always good when you make love to someone and not just f*ck them.

 

What i dont miss about her is her somewhat shallow way of thinking (i am a very reflected person) and her lack of experience in life (she was younger than me). In 2-3 years time her body wont look as good as it does now. Luckily for us men we can have great bodies till we hit 40 years.

Try to find the things that didnt match so well between the two of you because one day you will meet someone else. She might not have the "great rack" your ex had, but she might have other things lacking in your ex. And even if her breasts are smaller she might give you the best sex you ever had.

 

Always look for the positive in the next girl you meet, and start to think about the negative features your ex had.

 

Sorry for the bad english, it is not my native language.

Edited April 22, 2015 by embeu

[fireflywy]

Naw. Its not really pyschology or therapy; its a way of changing your thought patterns through various visualization techniques.

[Van Norden]

Great mistake. Last drunken night asked a common friend to see her FB profile and saw there's absolutely no replacement there, or at least nothing visible. Zero. Her female friend posting stupid links and joking at her wall. She doesn't post anything, but she didn't for the few months I got her on social media anyway. I should feel calm down thinking that there's no one better than me, but that means that actually I'm a worse option than loneliness for her. Big ego downfall. And missing her like crazy during the last days, moreover when I keep on getting rejected by other women and the ones who seem interested in me do not follow my pace of approach nor do I know if I will eventually get to attract them. Oh, and yeah, I've absolutely ran out of hopes to ever reconcile with her. 4+ months without breadcrumbs = no interest at all. She took a great burden off her back and does not even regret a thing.

 

Now you can say I'm feeling pathetic and lonely. BTW, ordered that book, thanks for the recommendation.

[dyna85]

Omg, Van Norden, I think I love you.

 

I'm so jealous of this girl you love.

[embeu]

Van Norden, you are obviously a very good man and boyfriend (we are just the same). The end of your relationship is a loss for you both, and in time I think your girlfriend will look back at what she had with you and start to think "what if...".

 

I hope when that day comes you are over this girl and that you have found happiness with someone else. You are the kind of man a woman would love to be together with so you just have to have patience and wait for the love of your life to come knocking at your door. It will happen when you least expect it.

 

Best of luck to you, and hope you get better soon!

[Itspointless]

Four months is not long at all, well at least not in my world. It will be better.

[Van Norden]

Omg, Van Norden, I think I love you.

 

I'm so jealous of this girl you love.

 

Hahahaha, seriously? I can't really see how would you love me after reading myself utterly debased and destroyed in front of all of you..., but cheers to that!

 

Thanks to all of you for the words of encouragement. Much appreciated in these days of turmoil that don't seem to end.

[dyna85]

Hahahaha, seriously? I can't really see how would you love me after reading myself utterly debased and destroyed in front of all of you..., but cheers to that!

 

Yes, seriously. I just love your way of writing and your analysis of your situation. You're so poetic and I can't help but marvel at your insights & your use of the written word.

 

Is that corny? Oh well...

[Van Norden]

Yes, seriously. I just love your way of writing and your analysis of your situation. You're so poetic and I can't help but marvel at your insights & your use of the written word.

 

Is that corny? Oh well...

Well, that's actually sweet and uplifting to read! Guess I've read a lot of Henry Miller through my hard times and that's somewhat distilled in my way of winning, losing and actually living this often prosaic life. And wish I had met you instead!

[fireflywy]

I should feel calm down thinking that there's no one better than me, but that means that actually I'm a worse option than loneliness for her. Big ego downfall.

 

Mine has a new man she met within 3 weeks of the break up after being together for a year and half. No breadcrumbs in the last 3 months. ZERO.

 

Feel BETTER knowing there is no one "better" then you which she is giving her attention to. The alternative HURTS. lol

[Van Norden]

Bump for the extra patheticness of feeling even worse day by day. Just saw a pic of her hanging out with a friend of her, with a gorgeous cleavage delivering the goods and just remembered how much I loved her and how much she turned me on. Now she's there, enjoying the ride, maybe made out with another men, had some sex. If not now, she will. And still here I am, unable to even jerk off without remembering how great the sex was and getting limp. Seriously, I feel I'm better off dead. Life works in cycles, or so they say, and that's the only thing that keeps me alive. But I guess sooner than moving on I'll get some more stuff I don't like, and this makes me want to definitely call it quits. Call it lack of balls or whatever you like, thing is that I'm unable to move on and now, with summer coming close and all that it means, I feel like **** being unable to pick up new women to have fun with, freely and without comparisons.

 

BTW, the only thought that kept me moving on is long gone. I don't hold onto the tiniest piece of hope that she will ever come back. Short relationship, long mourning and she hasn't even looked back for other breadcrumbs than the birthday ones. Even knowing I'm on meds and having the harsher times ever. Even when she said that I was "oh, so perfect" and that she hadn't much more experience than me and felt the same pain as mine during the BU. Life sucks, work sucks, losing sucks, I truly wish I was never born.

Edited May 7, 2015 by Van Norden

[Itspointless]

BTW, the only thought that kept me moving on is long gone. I don't hold onto the tiniest piece of hope that she will ever come back.

This is in my experience the beginningpoint of healing, as you eventually will turn to yourself again. Keep moving on dude, you will get there!

[crimsontactics]

Here's a tip.

 

Whenever you feel pathetic, you place $1 into a box.

 

At the end of the week, you donate whatever you have in that box to a charity or a homeless guy or something...

 

You just made a positive difference to someone's life, do you feel pathetic about it?

[Van Norden]

Here's a tip.

 

Whenever you feel pathetic, you place $1 into a box.

 

At the end of the week, you donate whatever you have in that box to a charity or a homeless guy or something...

 

You just made a positive difference to someone's life, do you feel pathetic about it?

Hah, thanks for the tip. I'm not that charity type dude, though...

 

Update to state some news. A friend of mine kinda lost it this morning when we were drunk and yelled to me some cruel stuff like I may have lost her due to my insecurities that were reflected in the way I treated her - when truth is that, yeah, I vented to him when I felt the relationship started to go downhill, but NEVER acted in accordance to such feelings with her. That after all, my "timing is wrong" and "GIGS" theories for her case are completely wrong and trying to hide the truth. That she WON't EVER look back and wouldn't I be so insecure I'd still be with her. That, unable as I am to take her off the pedestal, I should talk to her to gain some knowledge on the case in order to really understand how less she cares for me and move on.

 

Thoughts on this? I'm feeling utterly devastated. I was kinda secure thinking that my relationship didn't fail because of me, but now this shadow of a doubt has risen and makes me feel suicidal again. And the certainty with which he pointed out that she'll NEVER EVER want to get back, "since she was my oh so special first one and I was just another one", scared the hell outta me.

[NopeNah]

Hah, thanks for the tip. I'm not that charity type dude, though...

 

Update to state some news. A friend of mine kinda lost it this morning when we were drunk and yelled to me some cruel stuff like I may have lost her due to my insecurities that were reflected in the way I treated her - when truth is that, yeah, I vented to him when I felt the relationship started to go downhill, but NEVER acted in accordance to such feelings with her. That after all, my "timing is wrong" and "GIGS" theories for her case are completely wrong and trying to hide the truth. That she WON't EVER look back and wouldn't I be so insecure I'd still be with her. That, unable as I am to take her off the pedestal, I should talk to her to gain some knowledge on the case in order to really understand how less she cares for me and move on.

 

Thoughts on this? I'm feeling utterly devastated. I was kinda secure thinking that my relationship didn't fail because of me, but now this shadow of a doubt has risen and makes me feel suicidal again. And the certainty with which he pointed out that she'll NEVER EVER want to get back, "since she was my oh so special first one and I was just another one", scared the hell outta me.

 

Sounds to me, that you're friend is trying to "smack some sense" into you. He/she is tired of hearing you moan and groan about this and wants you to accept it at face value, it is what it is,type thing. Own up to whatever and get past it and on with your life.

[Itspointless]

Hah, thanks for the tip. I'm not that charity type dude, though...

 

Update to state some news. A friend of mine kinda lost it this morning when we were drunk and yelled to me some cruel stuff like I may have lost her due to my insecurities that were reflected in the way I treated her - when truth is that, yeah, I vented to him when I felt the relationship started to go downhill, but NEVER acted in accordance to such feelings with her. That after all, my "timing is wrong" and "GIGS" theories for her case are completely wrong and trying to hide the truth. That she WON't EVER look back and wouldn't I be so insecure I'd still be with her. That, unable as I am to take her off the pedestal, I should talk to her to gain some knowledge on the case in order to really understand how less she cares for me and move on.

 

Thoughts on this? I'm feeling utterly devastated. I was kinda secure thinking that my relationship didn't fail because of me, but now this shadow of a doubt has risen and makes me feel suicidal again. And the certainty with which he pointed out that she'll NEVER EVER want to get back, "since she was my oh so special first one and I was just another one", scared the hell outta me.

Hey man, let this not get to you. Sometimes when people are drunk they can say things a bit to blunt. As he is your friend I am guessing he probably felt impotent as he could not help you the way he wanted to. Unfortunately our friends and loved ones get irritated with us at some point. It most often is because they want to save us. It really is frustrating for them when they notice that they cannot do much to help us feel better. It is easy to forget that the people close to us invest a lot of energy into us trying to help us. I think he just wanted to help you by taking another approach. It sounds like he loves you enough to want you to move on. I do not know your story, but I doubt talking with her will get you closer to forgetting her.

 

I do not know if it is a consolation for you but I am still thinking about my ex 18 months after she ended it. It has become normal, but still I cannot shake it off and entirely move on. Let not get this to you and walk on the way you are going. You are going strong.

[Jonp219]

Hah, thanks for the tip. I'm not that charity type dude, though...

 

Update to state some news. A friend of mine kinda lost it this morning when we were drunk and yelled to me some cruel stuff like I may have lost her due to my insecurities that were reflected in the way I treated her - when truth is that, yeah, I vented to him when I felt the relationship started to go downhill, but NEVER acted in accordance to such feelings with her. That after all, my "timing is wrong" and "GIGS" theories for her case are completely wrong and trying to hide the truth. That she WON't EVER look back and wouldn't I be so insecure I'd still be with her. That, unable as I am to take her off the pedestal, I should talk to her to gain some knowledge on the case in order to really understand how less she cares for me and move on.

 

Thoughts on this? I'm feeling utterly devastated. I was kinda secure thinking that my relationship didn't fail because of me, but now this shadow of a doubt has risen and makes me feel suicidal again. And the certainty with which he pointed out that she'll NEVER EVER want to get back, "since she was my oh so special first one and I was just another one", scared the hell outta me.

 

These are questions only you can answer....

 

Was there any truth to anything he said?

How did you treat her?

How was the break-up? (was she fed up, angry, sad etc.)

Do you believe talking to her will do more harm than good? (I think it will)

 

These are issues that YOU have to come to terms with on your own. You need to be brutally honest with yourself about these things. If you do speak to her, it's highly likely that she will sugar coat the reasoning behind the break-up; especially, if she knows your emotions are fragile. DO NOT set yourself up for that world of pain, I know it's tempting, but don't. The only truth that will set you free is the truth that lies within you.

[Van Norden]

These are questions only you can answer....

 

Was there any truth to anything he said?

How did you treat her?

How was the break-up? (was she fed up, angry, sad etc.)

Do you believe talking to her will do more harm than good? (I think it will)

 

These are issues that YOU have to come to terms with on your own. You need to be brutally honest with yourself about these things. If you do speak to her, it's highly likely that she will sugar coat the reasoning behind the break-up; especially, if she knows your emotions are fragile. DO NOT set yourself up for that world of pain, I know it's tempting, but don't. The only truth that will set you free is the truth that lies within you.

In fact, I know I was very much available to her. My friend told something in these lines. Maybe I overwhelmed her, something she denied back then when told me that "she overwhelmed me as well because she wanted to", therefore it was a natural reaction. I may have scared her providing her so many affecton when she hadn't really healed from the previous relationship (just sorting out things, I don't have a real clue).

I treated her like a really caring boyfriend. Even when she felt alone in her own problems and sadnesses, I managed to steal her furtive smiles. One of the last messages she texted me before the BU was "thank you for caring so much for me". Just a few days before she texted me that "please forgive me for my ups and downs, I really like being with you". Maybe I should have acted more distant. Maybe if not I'd be wishing I'd acted otherwise.

 

She was definitely sad during the breakup. Almost heard her cry through the phone line. Not that I trust a word or a thing now.

 

Indeed, it would do more harm than good. My friend is just not the best love counselor out there, and I know it darn well. Everybody knows. But sometimes his words sound so cruel that they even sound real.

[Van Norden]

Quick update to say I'm actually feeling better, less clingy and definitely moving on. I don't feel the same urge to stalk her on social media and I dont't dread the same way she could be making out with other men in the meantime.

 

Sad thing is that attraction is still there. And I want her back SO BAD. One single visual remembrance, a smell or a hint of her voice still moves me to tears. Worst part of the deal is that I feel hurt in my pride, as I've been dumped for treating as priority someone who saw me as an option and prefers to hang out with people who don't give a damn for her. Hope she'll see the light sooner or later. Good God, make her regret her decisions some day.

Edited May 22, 2015 by Van Norden

[Itspointless]

Yeah, the attraction is something we have to ignore. That is the hard part.

[Van Norden]

Thought it would be nice to vent again...

 

How come a 6-month relationship can be so hard to forget? It doesn't even make sense after almost 9 months of silence (no total NC, since we met for a couple of times this year and had something like a chit-chat for 5-10 minutes, which depressed me a lot more).

 

Last Friday I banged the first woman after her, after some one-night irrelevant makeouts, and I felt too bad for the new one. According to my close friends, she is damn gorgeous and by far much more attractive than my ex - and after sex I left even more desperate and sad.

 

Also, the fact that she doesn't approach yet speaks volumes. But still I wish she gives a rat's ass when I decide not to. If we cannot be in a romantic relationship, at least I'd love her for an occasional bang and a cordial friendship. I miss her a lot and it seems the feeling won't go away.

 

Sorry for the irrelevant post, but thought someone could hold me down in this somehow. You know, the usual "that's how it works" here and there.