So many things went wrong

[SugarAzn]

You know,

 

I've posted a lot of questions regarding the same person on here.

And I've gotten a lot of insightful advice.

But at the end of it all, all the advice I've been given and all those that I've applied just didn't work out.

 

I held onto the notion that all the struggles a couple goes through is supposed to make them stronger. That's the type of relationship I've grew up learning from other adults in my life. It's hard when you can't talk to your own parents about advice on love interests. It's hard when you can't ask other older couples what do to when they tell you conflicting things about relationships and family values. It's hard when you're left by yourself to figure out everything because all you want to do is make the relationship last. I just wanted everything stay.

 

I'm tired of lying to myself every night how much I'm NOT hurting.

I'm tired of having moments to myself that I wish I could share with the special someone.

I'm tired of being like a part of me is missing.

 

There's something to be said when someone can look into your eyes and make you feel "seen".

When their arms have that particular warm, protectiveness to them.

When their their giggle and laughter is music.

 

For the first time, someone had actually managed to make me feel safe enough to drop my guard and say "i love you" subconsiously.

Someone has finally made me feel safe enough to "feel"

Someone finally taught me it's okay to be happy and go get what I want.

 

I never learned how to cope with an intense amount of stress.

I never learned how to communicate what I wanted with people

I never had anyone that really "listened" to me

and uplifted and supported me

 

I grew up being taught that I'm not allowed to say what I want or how I feel.

 

I ****ed up a good thing by not learning some of the soft skills people learned from their parents because mine were never around.

 

I ****ed up bc I didn't have a support system to help me shuffle though all the emotional chaos within me and help me keep my head straight

 

When I first signed up for this site asking for advice if I should fly to meet my SO across the US almost 2 years ago, it was honestly the scariest and the happiest day of my life.

 

Having a positive experience from this site, I automatically just took the common reoccuring answers instead of hypothetically applying them first.

 

I was desperate because I was going through some personal things that I didn't want to burden my SO at the time with. That was me reverting back to how I grew up being taught that I'm not allowed to be my "true self" with someone.

 

My SO made me feel like it was OK to be weird.

It was OK to be angry

it was OK to demand for respect

 

My SO taught me what it was like to fall in love with a best friend.

He taught me that it is possible for someone to actually take a piece of you.

 

I've never cried so hard other then for our first christmas and new years when I didn't have enough money to fly to Florida to him and do the "traditional" quirky holiday things couples did even though neither of us really celebrate christmas. I cried so hard when I wasn't there for him when he got so sick that he had to go to the hospital and nobody could take him there. I remember staying up all night watching my phone like a hawk waiting for his call.

 

We've officially been broken up for a couple months now.

 

He sometimes reads old stuff i've posted questions here and tbh, I was hasty. I sometimes wish I didn't ask for advice on those certain things.

Maybe I was being a drama queen bc I felt like he wasn't "hearing" me anymore.

idk

I wish I had the patience I had when we first got togetehr.

 

I wish we were still high off of being in love and goofy together.

 

It hurts so deeply that I hurt him by trying to seek help ...

 

I'm trying to cope.

 

I'm going through another rough patch now. My mom and sister were just hospitalized for some stomach bug thing. My little cousin who supposedly was done fighting cancer, had to go to ICU again a couple days ago.

My docs and lawyers regarding a year old auto accident are giving me and my mother the run around.

 

I'm in constant pain physically because Im not getting the proper effective treatment. I have to contemplate getting shots in between several places in spine to reduce inflammation or risk surgery which im not going to do.

The shots also come w the task of finding a doc with the availability I need because i need them 1x a week or every other week.

 

Im confused what I'm going to do with my college since I've had to be excused a bunch of times due to going to court and medical examination during the semester. How much more physical strain I can handle with my science labs.

 

I never thought I would reach this point in my life again where I feel sort of "dead" inside.

 

I'm still remorseful for my part in the ending of my relationship but I still fight to be his friend.

It's just hard when he brings up old stuff...

Its hard enough that I messed up and wasn't good enough of a SO for him to stay together so all the old relationship stuff I wish he'd just leave alone an bury..

It's like someone rubbing salt on an half healed wound.

 

I chopped it up that that's his way of coping? but it just hurts me the more and more he reminds me of our old relatinship.

 

I just want a TRUE NEW start.

Whether that be a new friendship or whatever.

 

I just want to learn and grow from it.

I know these pains will take time to heal but that doesn't mean I can't still work to be a better person and get my "best friend" back no?

Edited April 22, 2015 by SugarAzn
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[Ruby65]

If your "best friend" is your ex, then no -- you shouldn't be working to get him back.

 

Let it go. Your future new (way better) boyfriend will be your new best friend.

 

If you try and stay friends with an ex who you still have strong feelings for, you're basically asking to be hurt.

 

You can't control many of the elements in your life right now, but you can work to eliminate unnecessary suffering -- and staying in contact with an ex is only creating unnecessary drama and suffering in your life.

 

Work on yourself, work on healing and getting stronger and solving your issues and being there for the people you love.

 

When you're in a better position yourself -- when you *want* to share your life with someone, not *need* someone to help you through -- you can AND WILL find love again.

 

And love shouldn't be something you have to "fight for"..... it should (and will) be easy.

[SugarAzn]

Ive already come to terms that maybe we weren't good relatinship partners for eachother at that moment in time but we sure as hell good people to eachother bc we could relax one another, be able to vent to eachother, and make each other laugh with out bickering sometimes.

 

so then what do you have to say about those who are or have managed to be friends with their ex?

 

I thought every relationship needed to be built on a strong foundation meaning ya'll had to be friends before lovers?

[SugarAzn]

and it's not a matter of NEEDing him

I genuinely still WANT him to be a part of my life

but I do understand that if neither of us can't grow by still being involved with one another than I guess I can't do anythign about it?

[Ruby65]

I would very much like to hear a happy friendship story between someone and their ex. If it exists, I've never heard of one. Maybe after many years have passed.... but immediately after a breakup? Never happens. You're fooling yourself.

 

You're only causing yourself uneccessary pain and suffering by trying to stay "just friends". Focus on YOU, on healing yourself.

 

In time, you'll have a much better partner, hard as it is to imagine that now.

 

[RoseHeart]

One common factor I see in people struggling to move on and coping is the fact that they are usually still in contact (however much or little) with their ex's.

 

If it was physically possible for us to be friends with our ex's but fully heal and move on then I can promise you ALL of us would be doing it because cutting off all contact with someone you love is probably THE most difficult thing to do. There's a reason we are going NC and sticking to it and that is that we want to move on for our own good. We aren't doing this to be cool, unique or to have fun... nope. To the contrary we are doing it because we know it's the best way to heal even though it hurts and is painful.

[darkmoon]

what if he gets a girlfriend, do you think you will be happy to know him? how might she feel about you?

 

you chose to dump this guy, as if his feelings were not your concern, so you could not have loved him, or you would have held onto him, but he was not good enough, you deemed him to be in the wrong

 

so why hold out for his friendship?

Edited April 23, 2015 by darkmoon

[SugarAzn]

Darkroom

 

First of all, I did not dump him. He dumped me. I only acknowledged my part in his conclusion for the breakup.

 

There is a part of me that wishes he had stayed and fought longer but I cannot and will not force myself unto someone that doesn't want an intimate relationship with me.

 

I never "deemed" him as "wrong". I only stated what I did and what he did that eroded the relationship.

 

if he gets a girlfriend, and she brings him joy and happiness and helps him become a better man, who is to say I should object to such a thing? Of course it would hurt because I would not be the one doing so but I still fell in love with for who he was when I first met him.

As for his future gf's opinion on me, that's up to her discretion. Am I suppose to fight someone's opinion on me when I already it going to be somewhat bias b/c she's dating my ex and she knows I'm his ex? And on top of that, if my ex and I could get along and maintain a healthy platonic friendship, why would another woman object to that? Bc even though I'm his ex, he would still choose to be w his new partner.

 

I don't know how someone would want something negative to happen to someone you were formally naked with in all aspects of the word. ( physical, mental, emotional )

 

At the end of the day, I asked people on how to cope with this heartache.

[quattrob]

SugarAzn, correct me if I'm wrong but since you guys have broken up it sounds like you guys kept in contact? If that is true then I feel like that maybe one of the reasons why you still feel the way you felt. You kept him in your life without actually healing/letting go of all the poison/sadness.

 

 

You should've set yourself apart from him completely until you got over him and can actually see him without him hurting you with words or reminding you things that makes you upset/breaks you down. You never did no contact to heal, to make yourself ready to be friends with him...

 

 

It is ok to want to keep him in your life but you need to be ready for it first. And in your case there needs to be a certain period of time where you need to do no contact, I'm not saying this is the only way but clearly what you're doing or did isn't working for you.

[Ruby65]

if he gets a girlfriend, and she brings him joy and happiness and helps him become a better man, who is to say I should object to such a thing? Of course it would hurt because I would not be the one doing so but I still fell in love with for who he was when I first met him.

As for his future gf's opinion on me, that's up to her discretion. Am I suppose to fight someone's opinion on me when I already it going to be somewhat bias b/c she's dating my ex and she knows I'm his ex? And on top of that, if my ex and I could get along and maintain a healthy platonic friendship, why would another woman object to that? Bc even though I'm his ex, he would still choose to be w his new partner.

 

His new girlfriend will resent you being in his life and your new boyfriend will feel the same way.

 

You're romanticizing your post-breakup relationship if you think that, once he has a new girlfriend, you're still going to hold that role of "special friend" in his life. His new girlfriend will be his best friend, they'll be sharing that special connection, not you.

 

It's for this reason that people don't stay friends with exes after a breakup. Because it's too painful to watch them move on and become more attached to someone else.

[darkmoon]

Darkroom

 

First of all, I did not dump him. He dumped me. I only acknowledged my part in his conclusion for the breakup.

 

There is a part of me that wishes he had stayed and fought longer but I cannot and will not force myself unto someone that doesn't want an intimate relationship with me.

 

I never "deemed" him as "wrong". I only stated what I did and what he did that eroded the relationship.

 

if he gets a girlfriend, and she brings him joy and happiness and helps him become a better man, who is to say I should object to such a thing? Of course it would hurt because I would not be the one doing so but I still fell in love with for who he was when I first met him.

As for his future gf's opinion on me, that's up to her discretion. Am I suppose to fight someone's opinion on me when I already it going to be somewhat bias b/c she's dating my ex and she knows I'm his ex? And on top of that, if my ex and I could get along and maintain a healthy platonic friendship, why would another woman object to that? Bc even though I'm his ex, he would still choose to be w his new partner.

 

I don't know how someone would want something negative to happen to someone you were formally naked with in all aspects of the word. ( physical, mental, emotional )

 

At the end of the day, I asked people on how to cope with this heartache.

 

ok, but you have had sex with him, but sex or not, if his new girlfriend feels upset by yout presence, will you stop contacting him?

[DarylC]

Maybe you should tell your ex all the things you post on this website instead of acting like nothing is bothering you. You ever thought that 1 of the reasons he broke up with you is because you say your gaurd is down but he still has to find out how you truly feel through a damn website. Ever thought that he broke up with you so you can actually get your **** together and be the person you said you'd be. Because after all he broke up with you but he's still hanging out with you and having sex with you. Did you ever mention to people on here that the day you posted about breaking up and getting rid of me was on my birthday? My birthday that you spent the whole day with me fake smiling and acting like everything is all good but posting about breaking up. There's 2 sides to a story. But you know me well enough to know that I would break up with you but stil be intimate with you. We never broke up I'm just getting sick and tired of your bill**** and trying to get you to be the woman I love. We've been together for 2 years and I have yet to meet a single friend of yours or your parents. So when the last thing you told me is that you're going to the Dr and then stop answering my calls forget about how worried I am about you. These are the things you put me through and we both know this is the tip of the iceburg. And you care so much to tell me you're going to the dr and then disappear off the face of the earth. I'm calling hospitals to see if you're ok. I know none of your parents or friends to contact To find out if you're dead or alive. I'm tired of you talking about me on here like I'm the bad guy. I moved across the United States to be with you. Took a demotion at my job to be with you. You wanted a dog and I got 1 and flew across the U.S. to be with you. I gave you everything and you know what you reearded me with but I wont put all your business on here. So thank you for everything. You need to tell them the things you did to me. I hate myself for loving someone like you. Because you will never apreciate the sacrifices I've made. I haven't slept in 2 ****ing days because I don't know if you're dead or alive. You honestly think I would want to me with another woman after everything you put me through??

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Maybe you should tell your ex all the things you post on this website instead of acting like nothing is bothering you. You ever thought that 1 of the reasons he broke up with you is because you say your gaurd is down but he still has to find out how you truly feel through a damn website. Ever thought that he broke up with you so you can actually get your **** together and be the person you said you'd be. Because after all he broke up with you but he's still hanging out with you and having sex with you. Did you ever mention to people on here that the day you posted about breaking up and getting rid of me was on my birthday? My birthday that you spent the whole day with me fake smiling and acting like everything is all good but posting about breaking up. There's 2 sides to a story. But you know me well enough to know that I would break up with you but stil be intimate with you. We never broke up I'm just getting sick and tired of your bill**** and trying to get you to be the woman I love. We've been together for 2 years and I have yet to meet a single friend of yours or your parents. So when the last thing you told me is that you're going to the Dr and then stop answering my calls forget about how worried I am about you. These are the things you put me through and we both know this is the tip of the iceburg. And you care so much to tell me you're going to the dr and then disappear off the face of the earth. I'm calling hospitals to see if you're ok. I know none of your parents or friends to contact To find out if you're dead or alive. I'm tired of you talking about me on here like I'm the bad guy. I moved across the United States to be with you. Took a demotion at my job to be with you. You wanted a dog and I got 1 and flew across the U.S. to be with you. I gave you everything and you know what you reearded me with but I wont put all your business on here. So thank you for everything. You need to tell them the things you did to me. I hate myself for loving someone like you. Because you will never apreciate the sacrifices I've made. I haven't slept in 2 ****ing days because I don't know if you're dead or alive. You honestly think I would want to me with another woman after everything you put me through??

 

I can't tell if you are her most recent ex, or not,

What I can tell is that you're angry and distraught,

The problem won't be solved if you continue in rage,

Maybe try to address this like someone would in old age?

 

Or talk to each other, not through a forum like this,

It's best to speak to each other if you both have feelings amiss,

There IS 2 sides to every story, even when the worst is being told,

You both deserve happiness instead of turning to each other to scold.

[DarylC]

Just to let everyone know. She was cheating with her ex the whole relationship. Emailing him and telling me she had no contact with him. She went out of town and he posted pictures of them both on his instagram. What a joke. I would always ask her why is this guy posting pics on his FB of her and she would say she doesn't know and she hasn't talked to him in years. It's over as over can be. Don't fall for her sad stories. She's heartless.

[crimsontactics]

Sorry to say Sugar, there is no such thing as a "true new start" in the world.

 

There are only three options from here on:

 

1) You move on and find someone new.

 

2) Your ex comes back to you because you're his/her safety net.

 

3) Your ex comes back to you because he/she realize how awesome you are.

 

And we all know that option 3 have the same odds of happening as winning the PowerBall jackpot.

 

Stay strong!