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She's Gone And I Have To Cope


jalapeno86

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I've been posting here for a few months. We've broken up too many times. Of course I would get back with her. I still love her. But, I know it's not healthy. At this point. She went NC with me. Last time we talked we had a small argument and she kicked me out of her place. We texted the next few days, and she kept saying how she can't be with me. Then, I showed up at her place unannounced because I thought she was sleeping with someone else. Maybe she is. I don't know. She looked shocked at me being there. From what I could tell, it looked as if she stepped out for a few minutes. I totally missed it.

 

I was parked out by her place. The gate was closed. Then, I went to Taco Bell, came back, the gate was open. I almost decided on going inside (I have an extra key) and seeing if I could see any evidence of her sleeping with someone else. Then, I see her walking back to her place. I have 10 seconds to hide, but freeze and she sees me. I say sorry a thousand times, I leave, she texts me that it's done and to leave her alone.

 

I texted a few times after that. I said things like '**** you'. I begged her to still be my friend. And, to top it all off. I said I was leaving town. She hasn't answered me. Not once.

 

I really can't leave town, I have classes to finish here. Even though they're online. I think I have a group presentation I have to do. But I do want to leave.

 

But, I know, the only reason I would leave is to make her feel bad. Because she always came back. If I leave, she couldn't. And, on top of that, I DON'T want to pass by her house. EVER.

 

Everything hurts. I've been drinking for the past 5 days since we split up. I didn't even drink when we were together. I've just been drunk, because in that way, I don't care, I can't even think or remember things.

 

But, I wake up super hungover, and I feel sick. And then I drink again, and feel good again. But, it's dangerous. I don't even remember most of the night.

 

Weed really helps. It doesn't get rid of the anxiety but what it does, is that I realize how creepy I'm being. Once I smoke weed, I would never pass by her house. So it's good in that way.

 

I need help coping.

 

I know there are people with worse situations than me. People dying from cancer and so on. But, I just lost my best friend. We were together all the time. She used me, led me on, lied to me, pushed me away, and made me look crazy. I'll always be the 'crazy' ex... and shes friends with all her exes. I don't want to be friends with her right now.

 

Actually to be honest. I'd give anything to just be friends with her right now. To just see her. Hang out. Not even be sexual. But, I ruined those chances. Maybe we become friends down the line. But I know it will hurt me if it's too soon.

 

It has to be like 2 years. By then I'm sure I'd find someone else. My ex is super mean.

 

Are all girls mean?

 

Please someone tell me I won't be in a relationship with someone who's going to put me down?

 

I have no idea if there is a sweet girl that exists. They all seem to be nagging, criticizing, and negative.

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I just texted her asking "what about after a year, could we talk then?"

 

I realize I shouldn't be doing any of this. I wanna fake an injury even. It's like I'm doing anything to get her back. But, I'm not gonna get her back. It's not gonna work. She's a horrible person to me. I don't deserve this.

 

I want to leave town. Is this a good idea?

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I'm sure if I incessantly texted her, or called her. She would answer. She would probably just say things I don't want to hear. She'll probably tell me to leave her alone. She'd probably tell me that going back to Miami is a good idea. Or, she'll tell me that it's stupid and she doesn't care.

 

I've been so drunk these past few days, I'm starting to not understand the sequence of events. Saturday was when I showed up at her house.

 

That's when she said it was done. Then that night I wrote

 

"I still got your heart"

 

she wrote back

 

"I hope you weren't drunk"

 

then I wrote "**** you" which was really harsh, and I apologized over and over for it, begged for a friendship. And, she still hasn't answered.

 

I wish I could just erase her memory.

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Read this over and over again.

 

I know there are people with worse situations than me. People dying from cancer and so on. But, I just lost my best friend. We were together all the time. She used me, led me on, lied to me, pushed me away, and made me look crazy. I'll always be the 'crazy' ex... and shes friends with all her exes. I don't want to be friends with her right now.

 

 

Get a grip, face the reality.

 

Either you pick yourself up or you can choose to continue pity yourself.

 

By the way, not every girls are mean.

And if any nice and sweet girls see your behavior now, trust me, they will stay faraway from you.

 

Why destroy yourself? It's your life, you have responsible for your own life.

 

Stop drinking, man up and start moving on!

 

P.S. Seriously, if I'm staying near your vicinity, I most likely would shake you until you wake up.

Edited by Fufu
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It's not gonna work. She's a horrible person to me. I don't deserve this.

 

Keep reminding yourself of this. Why do you want to be with someone who you admit is horrible to you, when you admit that you deserve better. You know it's not going to work, so the truth is that you need to put YOURSELF first, stop chasing her, and put her on the pay no mind list (Go NC!).

 

Stop contacting her, focus on yourself and on putting her in the past. Don't let someone treat you horribly and continue chasing them. It's nothing but an ego boost for them and puts you in a horrible position, even if she did say she would try again, you'd be right back in this same position some time in the not too distant future. Do yourself a favor and walk away and don't look back.

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Yeah you're right. I'll stop the drinking. I'm done with that.

 

The pain comes and goes. It will get easier.

 

But I really do want to know. My last 2 long-term relationships, over the span of 6 years now, they both were really controlling.

 

Both would put me down, or tell me to change. They would make fun of me. It was verbally abusive. I just want to see evidence - I want to know. Do all girls do that?

 

My friend is going through the same problem. His girlfriend is so mean to him, it makes him go crazy too.

 

I used to think it was just me, and I'm too sensitive and emotional, but I don't think so. There has to be a nice girl out there for me.

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Yeah. It just sucks to see. I posted here maybe 2 months ago. When I thought we really broke up. Then we got back together. I almost forgot I even ever posted on here. I wish I would never have to come back and be a mess like I am. It's so not fair. Whatever.

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Yeah you're right. I'll stop the drinking. I'm done with that.

 

The pain comes and goes. It will get easier.

 

But I really do want to know. My last 2 long-term relationships, over the span of 6 years now, they both were really controlling.

 

Both would put me down, or tell me to change. They would make fun of me. It was verbally abusive. I just want to see evidence - I want to know. Do all girls do that?

 

My friend is going through the same problem. His girlfriend is so mean to him, it makes him go crazy too.

 

I used to think it was just me, and I'm too sensitive and emotional, but I don't think so. There has to be a nice girl out there for me.

 

 

Get to know the person first before rushing into relationship. There are nice girls out there :)

 

Never date anyone who used physical or verbal abuse on you. No body deserve this kind of treatment from their partner. You should be glad you are outta this.

 

I believe you will know what to look out for in your next partner. Meantime, just focus on your self-recovery, you will be fine :)

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Do all girls do that?

 

No.

 

There has to be a nice girl out there for me.

 

There is, but this one's not it. As hard as it is, your only good option is to cut off contact and focus on moving on. Every other path is only going to hurt you more.

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I think that the only positive you can take at the moment, is that you have hit rock bottom, so the only way is up. You've got 2 choices:

 

keep drinking, keep smoking weed, keep obsessing over her and looking like the desperate needy weak ex.

 

Or

 

Use this experience as a kick start to a better you. Sober up, give up the weed, stop contacting her, see friends and family, finish your school work and get on with your life.

 

When you split up, it seems you were irrational, and made every mistake in the book. Look at what you did (going to hers to try and catch her, begging via text, getting drunk) - how do you think that made you look in her eyes!?

 

Start NC. Focus on you, and getting yourself back on track. Yeah its hard and I appreciate that, but you've got to think about it rationally and know that you are going to have to start to move on at some point.

 

It does get easier, trust me. With time, and NC, you allow yourself to grieve the breakup with a clear head. It will also give her chance to think things over, and initiate contact with you again if she wants to. She's never going to do that at the moment in your current state.

 

Good luck man, we're all here for you.

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I liked your original plan of leaving the state and moving back home.

 

You're not doing yourself any favors by hanging around that town. I think a change of location, closer to family and old friends, might do you good and pull you out of the self-defeating cycle you're in.

 

Just handling the logistics of packing and moving and relocating will give you something to focus on other than your ex and getting wasted and feeling miserable.

 

Change it up!

 

:)

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Thank you guys. Everyone has been so sweet yesterday by the late afternoon, I really stopped thinking about her. It was good. I met a girl on Tinder. We are supposed to meet up tomorrow, and we have nothing in common.

 

Anyways. I don't want anything serious it just feels nice to get to know someone who's attractive.

 

So, I blocked my ex's number. I deleted all my social media. Everything was good, for a day. Then she emailed me. :/

 

She says (I'm paraphrasing) -

 

One time has passed I would like to meet up and talk about everything. I'm hurting and I miss you too. You think I don't care about you but that's the opposite of the truth. I love you and I want us both to have clarity about what happened. I hope you're OK. I think about you nonstop. I'm so sorry for anyway I attributed to your negative emotional moments over time. I know youll be OK though. Right now I'm just trying to cope too. I think time will do us good.

 

Love

 

J

 

.... Jesus Christ guys. If this was me yesterday I'd respond, and I'd read into what she was saying, I'd beg her to see me.

 

Thing is, I don't think I can make the move to Miami yet. I still have to finish a presentation in class. I've got things good here. I wish I had more friends, and as long as I don't drive near her part of town I shouldn't get all worked up again.

 

Anyways. Guess I'm just writing it here, because I'm erasing it from my email. I'm not replying. Oh god. I hate her. I feel like she shouldn't have emailed me if she pushed me away. She just wants to meet up down the line to make me feel worse. She wrote the email at 8:30 am she's usually at work at that time. It was the first things she did today. Even last night she emailed me late asking for the password to Amazon to return something, that I bought her. Thing is, I bought her that thing a few days ago. So, I would understand why she was confused and didn't want it. It's just a fanny pack she has sitting in the shopping cart on Amazon for like 3 weeks now. I erased the email from last night too.

 

Anyways. I'm erasing the email. Not answering.

 

I hope this other girl is down to meet up. It would be nice to go out with a pretty girl and feel good about myself. Gym today, study, haircut, I'm seeing my psych - I'm actually a little scared I might break down in front of him today. But, let's see. Thanks for all the advice. You guys are wonderful.

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Omg I feel so bad for anyone stuck in a situation where they have to see their ex.

 

****. I shouldn't have invited this new girl to my ex's favorite bar. Yeah, it would be cool to get her to see I moved on, but I can't handle seeing her AT ALL. I wouldn't be able to handle talking to her.

 

And I'm NOT talking to her unless she clearly says she wants to get back. Other than that, it's just chatter. She's over it.

 

But, I just check my calendar. I guess we shared a calendar I was subscribed to on my phone and all of a sudden I could see her schedule something names 'Mudra'. I totally freaked out and thought it was a night club or something. Really, I looked it up, it's just some kind of form of meditation. Or maybe she's seeing that guy she knew who did marital arts. I don't care. I can't care. There was a part of me that wanted to keep the calendar. I just unsubscribed from it. I didn't wanna delete anything she put up there because she's see that I did it.

 

Oh god. Just had to write this out to someone, it got easier for a bit, I hope nothing else pops up.

 

I'm not drinking, but the weed is helping. I definitely don't try and contact her now.

 

I'm going to the gym tonight, that should be good. I've got a date tomorrow.

 

But, I'm so behind in school. I need to put in so many hours. I don't do adderall anymore. It's smart not to. It messes me up emotionally. But, I'm gonna push hard to study. I'm gonna do it stone-cold sober. Wish me luck.

 

I'll update my progress here. I need to Ace these classes.

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I got out of work kind of late, I had a few drinks. But, nothing like I did those first 4 days we broke up. I'm here, laying in bed, about to go to bed. I don't feel as confused as I did. I'm still a little rattled by her email. If anyone knows how to block emails, let me know, but, I'd like to have the ability to unblock her after at least 6 months. Ultimately, whenever I feel I'm over her.

 

Thank god for the link to the breakup recovery guide. It said some important things like - if she contacts you, but doesn't say she wants to get back together, then you shouldn't answer her. You don't owe her anything. She left you, let her be alone. And, it's true, she will get over me way faster than I will get over her. But, there are some good things coming out of this.

 

I'm meeting a girl tomorrow. I have no idea how it will go. We have like nothing in common. She likes country music and basketball. I like hip-hop and comedy. Who knows tho, we might just hit it off. Anyways on top of that I realized something else, and maybe this can help other people who have been plagued by negative relationships.

 

Sure, maybe, my ex was a real *********, but I started looking up how to "not be defensive". And, a lot of things started to make sense to me. I'm not doing this to get back with her. Actually the only thought in my mind is how in 8 months I could show her how I got over my defensiveness. But, it's a faint thought, I think it will go away.

 

Anyways, point is, I think defensiveness destroyed my relationship. I think that if I learn how to manage that kind of reaction I won't have this issue again. I'm 28. I fell in love in high school 3 years later. done. I fell in love at 21, 2 years later. done. I fell in love at 26 - this is my most recent ex. done. 3 girls. Huge heartache. Horrible memories of how it ended. Horrible emotions, the whole nine. Sure, maybe she was too much of headcase and I could find someone who doesn't make me feel as bad, but also on my end, I think there are 2 things I need to work on. Better yet, 4.

 

Health, Career, Curing Defensiveness, And Choosing a Women Wisely. My health I'll fix by working-out, drinking less, quitting smoking, and eating well. I'm on track with those. With School - it's my lifeline. Curing defensiveness will be a side project that I'll accomplish by reading, studying, and getting close to people that might eventually criticize me and re-learning old reactions. And finally, the choosing women wisely part, I've been suggested too many times a book by David Shade, named - Choose Women Wisely. That should help. I have a lot to look forward to, and even though I think of her a lot, I'm sure she thinks of me too... it's just that, she can get over me, so I have to do a good job getting over her too.

 

I'm a little tipsy now, nodding off. Oh, check out Chris Delia's comedy special on netflix, he talks about dealing with a girl that wants to argue. I'm right there with him. But, I think I can not only find a girl who's delightful, but also learn to deal with criticism way differently.

Edited by jalapeno86
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Damn, you know you're really obsessed with someone when you just realized that there is another girl you know that is down to chill whenever. And she has great tits and tattoos. Come on man. How can you forget? It's like I'm all caught up in reading about how to be "not defensive" .. I have to stop lying to myself. I'm just doing that, because I know it would make her happy (my ex)... **** that. Even everyone at work, all we do is talk about my ****ty relationship. **** that. I saved the notes I made about learning not to defensive. But, even that. I think is something I need to save until after I'm over her. Or, idk... I'm all over the place. How about this. I'm just gonna save the books I planned to buy. And wait, a LONG time before buying them. I don't need to study to learn how to be a better communicator. I need to focus on ME, and what I want. Next, after that, I'll focus on defensiveness, but not with the intensiveness that was influenced by "love"... anyways... Thanks for reading, if you did.

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She still uses my HULU and Netflix. Should I delete her there too?

 

Dammit, I don't want her to see I deleted her, but also I don't want to see what she is watching because both service show 'recently played', its been real nice watching Netflix. Maybe I should just find another viewing service. Oh yeah, I have Amazon Prime. I'll use that.

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You know. I was doing good today. I just studied for 2 hours. You guys don't have to read the previous posts. I'm progressing. But I fell behind, I feel.

 

I watch TV on Amazon prime now, because it would kill me to what she recently watched. The I go on snapchat, and see she posted a short clip in her "Story" ... it was nothing really, she was playing with the dog, and she saw a dog that looked like it was driving a car.

 

She's going to see that I viewed here. I deleted snapchat. Just then, I started crying, listening to Kid Cudi "Man on The Moon".

 

I just need to post her, I don't want to post on facebook, ya know. Aww damn, okay. I got a date tonight, get it together.

 

I'm not gonna lie guys, taking care of yourself, cleaning up, feeling good, getting a haircut and new clothes. It really helps.

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She is toxic, you are toxic, and your relationship was toxic.

 

You really need to sober up and get some clarity.

 

Don't be dating other girls until you've done some sustained work on yourself.

 

No booze, no weed, just a long look at yourself.

 

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

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Thank you man. But guys, I need one more piece of advice. Please help me.

 

I know I shouldn't contact her while I'm not over her.

 

But a week ago (the BU) I said I was leaving to Miami. Now, I'm not. She emailed me saying ... "Are you really going to Miami?"

 

What do I say?

 

I don't want to respond, but I don't want to be a liar.

 

Should I just say "no"

 

Maybe after some time?

 

I really don't want to contact her back for a year at least unless she's ready to fix things. But even if we were to just 'be friends' I would still need my space to work on myself.

 

I've been better. Getting there.

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Hey.

 

 

you are thanking members for their advice, but are you really taking it on board?

 

 

Read Satu's post again for your answer about contact.

 

 

Good luck.

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Thank you man. But guys, I need one more piece of advice. Please help me.

 

I know I shouldn't contact her while I'm not over her.

 

But a week ago (the BU) I said I was leaving to Miami. Now, I'm not. She emailed me saying ... "Are you really going to Miami?"

 

What do I say?

 

I don't want to respond, but I don't want to be a liar.

 

Should I just say "no"

 

Maybe after some time?

 

I really don't want to contact her back for a year at least unless she's ready to fix things. But even if we were to just 'be friends' I would still need my space to work on myself.

 

I've been better. Getting there.

 

Don't think about doing anything until you've done a body/mind/spirit detox.

 

At least one month of no booze, no weed, and no women.

 

Then you'll have some clarity, and can make some sensible decisions.

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Ok. You're right. No weed, no booze. Got it. Thanks guys, I just want to know I'm doing the right thing.

 

I definitely won't do weed and booze anymore, those things got in the way of my school work. But, I like this new girl, I think it might work out. Seriously. She's amazing.

 

The only problem I have now are these emotions. They hit me when I woke up. I should wake up earlier and just get out of bed and be active, right? Cause her f*ckin memories keep popping back up in my head. And I don't wanna cry, but it's making me cry right now. It hurts so bad. I feel like I can't breathe.

 

I hate this. Maybe 5 times today the thought of my ex came up. And then I started imagining what I would say to her if I saw her. I got memories of things we used to do. I wondered how she is doing, and how she thinks about me. I think about how she's not taking it well, but she's taking it better than I am.

 

Oh god. How do I stop the pain? Please, I want it to stop.

 

 

***update

 

I hung out with my roommate, I think it's important I'm around people now. I also have to make sure to study around people too. My psychiatrist said I should date other people, and remain no contact, until I'm over her. I'm taking steps in the right direction. He said if I binge drink again to see him, and that a little weed doesn't hurt, but I have to leave it for AFTER my studies. I think I should make an appointment to see him again.

 

 

p.s. Does anyone know how it feels once you get over someone?

Edited by jalapeno86
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