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For those two years after the break up and over - state where you are currently


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Time after the break up

- 6 years

 

Brief info about break up

- dated for 5 years four months -

- I left her because she was hanging out with a another guy - it felt weird - I let her hang with whoever but she emotionally was drifting here

- 3 days after I left her she gets in a relationship with him - they're now together for over 6 years

- I left her because I feel it wasn't going anywhere she was a high school drop out, never worked. Even now she's on welfare with the guy she's with. Both just having fun off welfare playing videogames all day.

 

Achievements since then

- got promoted at work

- Went to Europe, LA, New York

- Completed 5 creative passion projects that earned me money

- graduated college - received a $28,000 grant that I don't have to pay back

- Currently earning the most money I ever have

- Quit drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes

- Dated - briefly 3 other girls since then - to the point of sex - one was a Yoga instructor

- in no debt, money in my bank - no outside help I did it

 

Where I am now

- I am working, but not in the field I graduated school for

- I have a list of 7 girls I really wanted to date - tried to the point of asking them out and they all rejected me - this is over the 6 year period

- The last 3 girls I asked out stood me up - the last one said she would go out with me sunday - didn't reply all week - so I let it go - responded yes the day before - I got excited with no contact the day of

- I am 33 have no kids, never been married - I have seen divorces, and friends paying child support. I'm grateful my break up wasn't severe as it could have been and I walked away from it in tact with lessons learned.

 

Things I learned about my healing and what I'd do different

- I used to preach to take as long to heal as need be and yes I agree

- but not where I randomly check up on my ex after 6 years

everytime a new relationship fails - I think back to "How easy it was" when I was in my long term relationship and then I check her fb -

- I did ultimately heal within the first 2.5 years I'd say - but I learned even years later in curiosity can come back

- I would never go on online dating profiles again - I only met one girl off there in 5 years of trying

- I'd recommend long term healing - cry your eyes out everynight and write your emotions out for the first 2 years - but try to mourn a break up for no more than 3 years. Again - I too healed - it's just triggers that pop up every now and then that get me

- I would also recommend talk therapy that can be free in your city, that's what I did

 

Where I want to be in the future

- Continue my passion projects

- work, save money, be healthy

- find a girl who actually loves and respects me

- go for all my goals - spiritual, physical, career, etc

- I have my 5 year goals - that's pretty much what I live for

 

What advice would you give to someone in a break up/divorce based on what you learned?

- Cry your pain out as much as needed

- write your pain out

- exercise

- stay away from drugs, alcohol and rebounds

-Limit your healing to maximum 3 years if possible - but don't listen to people telling you how long it should take you to heal

- do not snoop on facebook - social media has added a new challenge no one has fathomed before

- enjoy your life everyday and focus on your own growth - rebuild your life

- read the book "Rebuilding after your relationship ends"

- Keep busy with work and school or your hobby

- This is great cause it'll show you how to deal with a major loss and bounce back better then before!

 

 

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You can copy and paste your responses to these:

 

Time after the break up

Brief info about break up

Achievements since then

Where I am now

Things I learned about my healing and what I'd do different

Where I want to be in the future

What advice would you give to someone in a break up/divorce based on what you learned?

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Not 2 years, but still relevant.

 

Time after the break up

- 1 year 4 months

 

Brief info about break up

- dated for 3 years from age 17 - 20 -

- I was dumped because I lied about smoking weed

- 2 months later she gets into a relationship with someone she is still with today. (even though she cheated on him with me 3 months post break up)

- She was my first love and I was her first love. We lost our virginity to each other.

 

Achievements since then

- Baptized

- Graduated College

- Landed a brilliant job in the heart of an amazing city

- Quit dipping

- Learned how to be single

 

 

Where I am now

- I'm kind of on a dry spell with girls now but I know this will change soon.

- I'm moving to a new city and opportunities will start to open up.

- At the stage where she is wondering and asking questions about me, but I don't want to talk to her.

- Learning how to be confident in myself

 

Things I learned about my healing and what I'd do different

- It's hard to not check in on someone who was such an important part of your life. I wish I would have stopped looking much sooner.

- I joined OKC online dating and hooked up with two chicks. I've been on dates or hooked up with 15+ girls since the breakup but nothing is the same.

-You'll be fine one day, the next you'll be obsessing again.

 

 

Where I want to be in the future

- Completely free of all thoughts of her

- Making bank and living in my new city

- find the girl that I am very attracted to.

- Get super fit

 

 

What advice would you give to someone in a break up/divorce based on what you learned?

- Once you rebound, you feel a ton better - Kind of cocky to a point.

- The faster you are able to stop checking up your ex online, the faster you will heal.

- Healing takes a long time. I'm still not completely over it and it has been a over a year since I last saw her (aka had sex with her).

- Keep busy with work and school or your hobby!!!! (VERY IMPORTANT)

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Time after the break up

 

1 year

 

Brief info about break up

 

Rocky LDR, but very intense also when local. I broke up with her for the nth time, took her back, a few days later she breaks up with me. This time we go through with it. Reasons: she being depressed, no end in sight for ldr.

 

Achievements since then

 

Supported my parents during the last six months of my father's life. I landed an excellent job. I went on a great vacation. I got a few ok dates. I went to to practice two times a week every week.

 

Where I am now

 

I'm still trying to consolidate my work and educational situation. I'm a happy single. No butterflies but I think they'll be back at some point. I am in no hurry. I date also for distraction.

 

Things I learned about my healing and what I'd do different

 

Not that much. NC discipline can always be better. I doubt I'd have healed much faster even if there would have been absolutely zero contact though. It is a lengthy process in any case. Get more busy sooner.

 

Where I want to be in the future

 

No more LDRs. A less technical job, something where language and people are more important.

 

What advice would you give to someone in a break up/divorce based on what you learned?

 

Keep NC. Go out a lot. Work out. Validate yourself a lot. Be realistic.

Edited by umirano
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Time after the break up

2 years and 3 months

 

Brief info about break up

On and off for 8 years, never formal until two months before the BU. Long distance and one small misunderstanding became huge and a week later he met a girl, went official within days and she moved in with him.

 

Achievements since then

Moved abroad, traveled, experienced life in a new and exciting culture, made money, found love and a long-term stable relationship, we lived together. My biggest and least noticeable achievement is actually overcoming the heartbreak I was in and the consequent depression.

 

Where I am now

Moved to my own apartment in one of the biggest cities in the world, have new friends, a good job and I'm single now.

 

Things I learned about my healing and what I'd do different

I was very cynical for most of my life, up to my late 20s... I never felt anything very deep for anyone, sometimes I would wonder why but it also felt nice not to get caught up in cheesiness... bringing someone into my circle of friends or family gatherings sounded too much so I would avoid that, the idea of babies was so not for me, marriage was just nonsense, living together unnecessary. I was on and off with this person for so long and always in the middle of other meaningless relationships mostly because I just didn't find him good enough for me and thought he was too sentimental. I was very sure all of this was who I was and that was that. Little did I know. I fell head over heels all of a sudden and wanted everything I never even thought of... so yeah I ended up learning that you never really stop learning about yourself and that nothing's set in stone. And when the BU came and he rebounded, I had been through death of loved ones before but this type of loss was brand new for me and it cut me in half, because the person didn't die, they just exit your life burning everything on their way and they're still out there as you try to somehow get back on your feet. I didn't know how profound such wounds could be, how you lose another dose of innocence while at it, and all the physical pain which is very real (I really feel for people just going through a BU now!), I also learned that even when the pain is so deep and the person is still out there, unlike the death of loved ones (which can still make you cry when you remember the little things they'd do), one day you just leave the pain behind and become more indifferent to this person, and smitten with a new one and life moves on.

 

I wouldn't do anything differently to be honest, even a year after the BU I regretted my last emails... all attempts to work things out and get through the crisis. After a while I thought I had been bargaining and I was so embarrassed and wanted to never even remember them again. After we got back in touch later and realised he leaves all of his relationships at the beginning of a crisis and that I have been able to pull through them in my other relationships and continue in good terms with my exes, I realised I was actually doing what I was taught to do... which is communicating and getting through hard times. So I wouldn't do that differently and I wouldn't do much differently in regards to my recovery process because it was SO HARD! I made mistakes (broke NC etc) but I honestly look back and feel proud of myself and how I walked out of it clean (unlike him!).

 

Where I want to be in the future

I want to make more money! I want a baby and a good and fun partner.

 

What advice would you give to someone in a break up/divorce based on what you learned?

Be very disciplined... if you have to resort to 'for dummies' methods like I did, go for it!. I wore a bracelet to remind myself not to snoop or break NC. I set reminders on my phone, I had a calendar. Go out even when that's the least appealing thing to do. Allow yourself to mourn but don't pamper yourself for too long or make pity parties, maybe that works for some but the moment I treated myself like I was in some military boot camp and started using harsh words to get me out of bed, things started to look up!. Also discard the first 5 months, I see a lot of 'it's been 4 months, I want to break NC!' '2 months later I want to write a letter' '3 months and the pain is gone'... I think 5 months of recovery, some soul searching and being single are completely manageable things and it's important to try that, it really clears up your view.

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HeartOfAPhoenix

Time after the break up

 

About 4 years

 

Brief info about break up

 

3.5 year relationship. I don't know the reason for the breakup, just that I got a whole slue of "it's not you, it's me", "I need to find out who I am", "I need to be alone right now, but maybe we can get back together in the future"... pretty much every excuse you can imagine.

 

Achievements since then

 

Finished college

Quit a job that I absolutely hated

 

Where I am now

 

Still think about the relationship; although, not in the same way. Just remembering the good times and thinking about how much I've changed since then.

 

I've had a few jobs that were not in my field of study. 2 contract jobs, a temp position, and the job I recently quit because I couldn't stand it.

 

Things I learned about my healing and what I'd do different

 

I learned that although I am extremely introverted, hanging out with friends from time to time really helps. Exercise and a good diet also really goes a long way to recovery.

 

I wouldn't have taken to drinking as strongly as I did. I never initiated contact after the breakup, but drinking as heavily as I did really set me back... until I pretty much quit drinking 9 months later.

 

Where I want to be in the future

 

I would really like to be self employed. I feel I have learned a lot from the two contract jobs I had, even though they were nothing impressive. I have a few ideas that I've been planning out. But I would also like a job in my field of study, so I guess I have options.

 

What advice would you give to someone in a break up/divorce based on what you learned?

 

Don't take to drinking, or any substance, as a way of coping. It takes away the pain in the moment but it's not progress. Also don't go overboard with hanging out with friends or staying in solitude pondering the breakup. Find a balance that works best for you.

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OldBrownSquirrel

Time after the break up

 

3 years

Brief info about break up

 

Divorced after ten years of marriage. Two kids. NC isn't practical when you have kids, but I'm over the relationship, so that's not really a problem for me.

Achievements since then

 

I'm not dead yet. Seriously, that's a meaningful achievement.

Where I am now

 

Buried under a mountain of debt. Post-divorce depression cost me my job, and I was out of work for a year and a half. I've been employed for the last three months, and the job is going well, but I have a lot of work ahead of me to shore up my finances. I lost my apartment and had to put nearly everything I own into storage while I couch-surfed. I now rent a tiny room in a tiny house.

Things I learned about my healing and what I'd do different

 

Therapy is good and useful.

 

If I'd known what was going to happen, I would have started off living in a tiny room in a tiny house, just to save some money.

Where I want to be in the future

 

Creditors placated, eventually debt-free. My own slightly-less-tiny place again, with much, if not all, of my stuff out of storage. Dating is effectively on hold until all that's resolved; I'm too clearly a mess at this point.

What advice would you give to someone in a break up/divorce based on what you learned?

 

Unless you had a lover before you split up, you're going to be romantically untouchable for at least a couple of years after your divorce. To start with, anyone who's been divorced longer than you is going to assume that you have more baggage than they do. You may as well sit out dating until most of the dating pool your age is more recently divorced than you are. Once you're at that point, you'll be in a better bargaining position.

 

If you have kids, you may as well not bother dating until they go off to college. If you have young kids, well, be prepared for a really long dry spell. You might be able to date someone whose youngest kid is younger than yours, but if you waited until relatively late to have kids, there won't be many people close to your age matching that description.

 

Try to keep your debt to a minimum. If you're the one moving out, furnish your new place with cash, not credit, even if it means you have almost no furniture for a long time. Even if it means living on a mattress on the floor until you can afford to pay cash for a proper bed, that's fine. Nobody else is going to be paying much attention to your bed for a few years in any case.

 

Also, the fortysomething dating pool is dominated by people who are demonstrably bad at relationships, myself obviously included. People who are attractive, interested, and good at relationships almost never find themselves single at that age. Proceed with great caution.

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  • 5 weeks later...
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Wow, the updates on this are awesome!

 

I'd love to hear other's inputs as well. This is empowering and shows a cross section of what happened, long term healing and future plans!

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Time after the break up

 

18 months

 

Brief info about breakup

 

Together 7 years, he is a gambler, liar and cheat.... we had no trust in the relationship, he went to work overseas and i had a gut feeling he was having an affair and it was confirmed 2 weeks after he left.. so i ended it.

 

Achievements since then

 

Supported my mother when my father became very ill and died in November last year.

Became a voluntary worker for CAB

 

Where am I now

 

Apart from becoming a volunteer, Ive got fit, lost weight... but still struggling to get over the relationship.

 

Things I learned about my healing and what I'd do different

 

Never to snoop and try to find out what he's doing, keep busy and try and make new friends to cope with the loneliness.

Getting Therapy has helped me to tey and change my way of thinking.

 

Where I want to be in the future

 

Working full time, to be able to trust again and most of all not make him the centre of my world.

 

What advice would you give to someone in a break up/divorce based on what you learned?

 

Never snoop, leave the past in the past, look to the future how ever hard it is, never give them the satisfaction of knowing you are grieving, the worse possible thing that can happen. Also if they contact you, never ever reply because they may be having a bad day with their GF and missing you for the wrong reasons, but also to find out if you have moved on with someone else... while your still single they think you could be the fall back if their current relationship doesnt work.

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loveiswar101

Thanks for time putting these up. Certainly interesting and more than helpful with my healing.

 

Thanks You

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Arieswoman

Time after b.u.

 

20+ years

 

Info about b.u.

 

LDR that turned into marriage - no kids. I relocated. Married 7 years then husband cheated with employee. Threw him out and divorced.

 

Achievements

 

Learned to play a musical instrument and took up playing another two again.

Got my Yachtmaster Qualification.

Bought my own house totally on my own.

Bred dogs and won at Crufts

Learned shorthand & typing and became IT literate.

Opened my own business in healthcare.

Went back to Church.

Became a total vegetarian.

 

Where I am now.

 

Remarried 6 years to an great guy.

 

Things I learned about healing.

 

NC is the way to go.

Therapy/counselling is good.

Time is a great healer.

You don't have to forgive if you don't want to.

 

Future

 

Planning to retire by the sea with hubby in a few years time..

 

Advice

 

LDRs should be approached with care - time is the key

Never compromise your values/religion/principles/belief system for anyone else

Take time out to find out who you are and what you really want.

Have clearly defined boundaries - and enforce them.

You can't change people, only yourself.

Learn how to walk away

Learn how to say "no".

 

:)

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Oh boy

 

 

Time after the break up-

2-ish years? I actually stopped keeping track. I see this as a good sign

 

Brief info about break up-

He dumped me, we were together for 6 years, he treated me like garbage pretty much the whole time. His official dumping speech was "I feel like I'm just going to waste your time." (Something I wish he'd told me before we were together 6 years)

 

Achievements since then-

Oh. So many to count. I've lost 70+ pounds, am mentally healthy, got promoted at work, have learned that I'm not as crazy as he liked to make me out to be.

 

Where I am now-

I still think about him every day. Every single day. Sometimes good memories sometimes bad. I'm still not ready to date (haven't dated anyone since him) and unless a wonderful guy gets thrown into my arms, I really don't plan on dating any time soon.

 

Things I learned about my healing and what I'd do different-

I am one bad*** b****. I really am. I never deserved to be treated the way he treated me (though at the time I did). Depending on where you were before the relationship, what kind of relationship it was and how long (or how much you loved them) a break up can REALLY change you. It hurts. Every day it hurts. I'm torn between wishing I never dated him in the first place to wanting to shake his hand and thank him for the garbage. I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for him.

 

Where I want to be in the future-

Relationship-wise, I'm smart enough now to look for the bad signs. I hope someday I can find someone who'll love me as much as I do him, who can communicate, and I can equally share my life with. But if it doesn't happen *shrug* it ain't so bad being on my own. I found out I'm pretty cool.

 

What advice would you give to someone in a break up/divorce based on what you learned?

NOTHING is permanent or forever. Neither good times or bad.

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