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Obsession with ex


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Hello all. I have postet a couple of times here before. I feel very lost right now and desperate for some advice and guidance. I will keep this short.

 

BACKSTORY:

My 22 year old girlfriend broke up with me 5 months ago because she lost her feelings (I am 29). Our relationship was long distance the last 2 months, total length being just 6 months. I really loved her and went out of my way to please her and gave her all i could. She was the one who wanted to make the relationship official and she was very eager on making the long distance work. I was too. Then suddenly things changed VERY fast after she moved to study in another country.

 

MY PROBLEM

When she dumped me I was devastated. I guess i should have noticed the red flags (less and less contact from her side, very reserved) and behaved accordingly. Instead i was a doormat.

When she moved away for school and we went ldr i really made an effort to find things in my life to remind me of her and i think i made a picture of her in my head of being absolutely perfect, like a fantasy. I figured if the we were going to survive the ldr and keep the excitement and love strong this was important. When she broke up we never got to have the final break up talk with, it was just a short text and that was that. I asked her to talk about it but she did not want to.

 

I have the usual mistake of sending her a few emails. I did so because i could not just let go of not getting closure or her reasons behind the loss of feelings. What did she think and feel, did she realise this is not what she wanted.. I did not get any respons from her. This made me feel ignored and worthless. I think part of my problems is the lack of respons (even though i dont regret sending her the emails) and the fact that i have been "waiting" for a respons that never came. I have blocked her everywhere not so that "hope" is now gone.

 

After this long time i really dont know what i feel, what i want from her (if anything) or why i feel this way. I think some part of me wants to know that what she once felt was real, that i mattered. I dont know if she thinks of me as ugly, needy or if it was just the distance that caused the break up. Not knowing these things have really made me question my self worth. I feel lost and alone, as if i am in a dark room searching for an exit. I am working out, hanging with friends and doing good at work. But for some reason I am always thinking about this when i have nothing else to do, reading LS posts like crazy trying to sort things out.

 

There are so many things i would want her to know without telling her. Every day i keep asking myself these questions:

1) Did she ever love me?

2) Was it something with me or something i did that drove her away?

3) Why did she refuse to give me the respect and have a decent break up talk?

4) Is the real problem here my self esteem?

 

If there is anyone that have experienced this or can relate to my situation i would really appreciate your input. I am very scared that i might not ever get over this. I want to find myself again, I want to go back to the person i was before, I want to find my confidence again and forget about her. I want to stop thinking about what happened and why she behaved so cold after she broke up.

Edited by embeu
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6 months relationship and she broke up with you? That really shows how "much" she is really into you.

 

1) Did she ever love me?

I'm not her can't really say about her feelings. But based on the timeline, I think it's more like infatuation than love.

 

 

2) Was it something with me or something i did that drove her away?

Nothing about you. Even so, we are humans, no one is perfect. Please do not over-dwell on this. If a couple wants to stay together, both individuals will be able to live with one another's faults and not simply just leave the relationship.

 

 

3) Why did she refuse to give me the respect and have a decent break up talk?

Some dumpers choose not to talk because I don't think they want to face meeting the dumpee again. And what is called a decent break up? Usually, it is hard to come by as more or less dumpers may get emotional on the sudden break up.

 

 

4) Is the real problem here my self esteem?

You are only suffering from a heartbreak, it does take time to heal and move on. 3 years relationship with my ex, it also took me about 3 years to fully move on. However, you don't have to take this long. The first thing you need to do is to start accepting this as a reality. She's gone, and now it's all about you only

 

You should be glad she behaved cold after a breakup, at least she is firm in her decision and doesn't to string you along. I have heard too many stories where the dumper lures the dumpee into this trap, befriending them, giving them false hopes.

 

Picture this image in your head and choose.

1) After x months - Do you want to continue dwelling over this long gone relationship. You look haggard, tired, no smiles in your face, everything in you looks listless.

 

or

 

2) After x months - You look happy and confident. You enjoy your time out with friends having drinks or gym or watching movies. Whether that time you have a gf or not, doesn't matter. Basically, you are happy and you are carefree.

 

Make the choice yourself.

Edited by Fufu
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You should be glad she behaved cold after a breakup, at least she is firm in her decision and doesn't want to string you along. I have heard too many stories where the dumper lures the dumpee into this trap, befriending them, giving them false hopes.

 

^^^^this^^^^

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Thank you very much for taking your time to answer my post, i really appreciate your inputs.

 

I must say i do not agree with you on the point that i should be glad she behaved cold. I think there is a big difference between acting cold and stringing someone along. My point is not that i would have wanted breadcrumbs or for her to hold my hand the entire time. What i miss is the final conversation where you break up, shed some tears and telling eachother that you still care and that you only wish them the best in the future.

 

I may be in the wrong here. This is just how i think break ups should be handled, and this is the way I have always done it. Furthermore i am very picky when meeting girls and there are some traits i look for in a potential girlfriend. One of them being a nurturing and caring personality. Its hard to know you misjudged their character. Or maybe i just need a realitycheck.

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Simon Phoenix
Thank you very much for taking your time to answer my post, i really appreciate your inputs.

 

I must say i do not agree with you on the point that i should be glad she behaved cold. I think there is a big difference between acting cold and stringing someone along. My point is not that i would have wanted breadcrumbs or for her to hold my hand the entire time. What i miss is the final conversation where you break up, shed some tears and telling eachother that you still care and that you only wish them the best in the future.

 

I may be in the wrong here. This is just how i think break ups should be handled, and this is the way I have always done it. Furthermore i am very picky when meeting girls and there are some traits i look for in a potential girlfriend. One of them being a nurturing and caring personality. Its hard to know you misjudged their character. Or maybe i just need a realitycheck.

 

There's no "right" way to break up with someone. You can be "mean", "cold", "nice", the result is just the same. No dumpee has ever said "Well, even though you completely shattered my heart, thanks for dumping me in a really nice way!"

 

In fact, I think it's better to be mean or cold because it gives the dumpee no false hope. Let's be real, it not a matter of her "doing the right thing" by granting you a final conversation that upsets you. You're upset because you were hoping that conversation would allow you a chance to try to convince her to reconsider that decision. She doesn't want to reconsider it, she doesn't want to deal with you trying to make her reconsider, and she certainly doesn't want to share tears and memories (which I don't blame her on). She simply wants to be done. She's not giving you false hope.

 

Had she granted you this final conversation and shared feelings and tears, you'd be on this site saying "well, she must still love me because she wouldn't cry about it otherwise, right?" That's the problem with nice dumpings -- in trying to let a dumpee down easily, you can confuse the hell out of them, therefore you'll have to dump them multiple times until they get the hint. You need to take the hint and walk away with dignity.

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What i miss is the final conversation where you break up, shed some tears and telling eachother that you still care and that you only wish them the best in the future.

 

I think that may be only in Hollywood or very rare.

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I agree, I believe that if you truly loved someone you should break up in way that will not not devastate them. Let them down easily, if you ever really cared. and then go NC.

 

I still do not understand how people can hate their ex? How can you so easily hate what you once loved. I think too many people get infatuation mixed up with love. Because love cannot be cold.

 

I think people who dump being cold and heartless never truly cared about you in the first place. They were using you and when you were no longer what they needed they threw you away like a piece of trash.

 

And thats how you know the breakup was the best thing for YOU in the long run. You don't want to be with someone who never really cared about you in the first place.

 

Try to move on - she is not a good person.

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I agree, I believe that if you truly loved someone you should break up in way that will not not devastate them. Let them down easily, if you ever really cared. and then go NC.

 

I still do not understand how people can hate their ex? How can you so easily hate what you once loved. I think too many people get infatuation mixed up with love. Because love cannot be cold.

 

I think people who dump being cold and heartless never truly cared about you in the first place. They were using you and when you were no longer what they needed they threw you away like a piece of trash.

 

And thats how you know the breakup was the best thing for YOU in the long run. You don't want to be with someone who never really cared about you in the first place.

 

Try to move on - she is not a good person.

 

I fully agree with you. In my case however it is not hate that is making her do this (she has no reason to hate me). I think its her fear of conflict and to see other people hurt. In my opinion she handled herself very cowardly and that is something i struggle with from time to time. Did she not understand how her cold shoulder would affect me. She was bullied when she was younger and i would have hoped that someone that had been rejected by others would show more care in the period of break up.

As many might think she is not the kind of girl to sleep around, and i dont think she cheated.

 

But all that is water under bridge. I spent 3 full months thinking about this day in and day out. I still think about her and the break up, but i do not know what I want or what I need. Something is nagging me about this whole thing but i cant point my finger to where it hurts.

 

I am afraid this hole break up and period after have made me loose my confidence, and this is something i will need to work on

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Its the closure. You NEED the closure. But you may never get it.

 

Its been three months also since I was coldly dumped, but he had someone else so maybe that is why it was easy for him to be cold.

 

His thing didn't work out for him which gives me some satisfaction but I still have the same hole as you.

 

I too believe he was a coward. It was also his first relationship and maybe he handled it wrong, he's human and we make mistakes. I think once he realized how much he f &*^)*&) **** up he did not know how to come back from it. To admit he was wrong or maybe he was trying teach me a lesson but he ended up schooling himself.

 

I think in time we will speak again. It takes time. But I don't EVER want him back, I did at first because of the rejection and the way it made me feel, like what you are going through but if he truly loved me he would not have ended it like that. Because I never would have done that to him.

 

Stop asking why, it is only hurting you. There are a thousand scenarios as to why she did this and you will go crazy trying to figure it out.

 

Try to focus on you. Force her out of your mind when ever she pops in, she does not deserve your thoughts.

 

She is a careless selfish person.

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I agree, I believe that if you truly loved someone you should break up in way that will not not devastate them. Let them down easily, if you ever really cared. and then go NC.

 

I still do not understand how people can hate their ex? How can you so easily hate what you once loved. I think too many people get infatuation mixed up with love. Because love cannot be cold.

 

I think people who dump being cold and heartless never truly cared about you in the first place. They were using you and when you were no longer what they needed they threw you away like a piece of trash.

 

And thats how you know the breakup was the best thing for YOU in the long run. You don't want to be with someone who never really cared about you in the first place.

 

Try to move on - she is not a good person.

 

Bang on there mate I totally agree.

Someone who could treat you so cold like this really could not have had any true feelings for the person they claimed to love. Had the same cold cut out of my ex from her and her sons life. They talk a great deal of love and all the sweet nothings right up until the end then suddenly go to the other extreme. Very scary really that there are such decieving people out there.

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Its the closure. You NEED the closure. But you may never get it.

 

Its been three months also since I was coldly dumped, but he had someone else so maybe that is why it was easy for him to be cold.

 

His thing didn't work out for him which gives me some satisfaction but I still have the same hole as you.

 

I too believe he was a coward. It was also his first relationship and maybe he handled it wrong, he's human and we make mistakes. I think once he realized how much he f &*^)*&) **** up he did not know how to come back from it. To admit he was wrong or maybe he was trying teach me a lesson but he ended up schooling himself.

 

I think in time we will speak again. It takes time. But I don't EVER want him back, I did at first because of the rejection and the way it made me feel, like what you are going through but if he truly loved me he would not have ended it like that. Because I never would have done that to him.

 

Stop asking why, it is only hurting you. There are a thousand scenarios as to why she did this and you will go crazy trying to figure it out.

 

Try to focus on you. Force her out of your mind when ever she pops in, she does not deserve your thoughts.

 

She is a careless selfish person.

 

Thank you for sharing.

I feel it can be hard to seperate "if he\she ever loved me they would not behave this cold" and "he\she is a coward that doesnt have the guts to front their decision". And wondering which of these two are correct can be very hard and it takes so much energy. But like you said, the only way to do it is to just dont give a damn. But when struggeling with some low self esteem due to the breakup it is easy to fall back to bad thinking habits.

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Regardless what sort of break up it is, the reality is she decided to move on without you.

 

Breaking up is sad, and most of the time unexpected for the dumpees.

 

Give yourself sometime to grieve and then move on. Do not dwell on it for too long.

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